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Original poster

Ex wants to (sleep over) at my house when visiting the kids. YES/NO

37 replies

TaylaD · 08/03/2018 00:10

My ex left me 4 month after my family immigrated to the UK & went to live and work in another country. He was originally going to work overseas for a bit and commute to the UK, but then he decided to end the relationship 1 month after he found the job overseas.

Now he wants to stay at my house when he visits the kids. He could stay at his mothers house who lives 45 minutes away. Am I wrong to say no? He says he is not comfortable at his mothers house.

He pays for the house and expenses. We plan on getting a divorce after the mandatory 2 years seperation.

The problem is that I am battling to move on, and I feel I need my space. When he comes to stay at the house, I sort of go back into "Wife" mode, and cook and clean up after him, we chat and watch TV together, and carry on like normal, then he leaves again, and I fall to pieces every again. It has been now approximately 1 year and 3 months since the split. We were married for 14 years and have 2 daughters 17 & 13.

OP posts:
Cricrichan · 08/03/2018 00:12

Hell no! Stick to your guns. You've split do you live separately.

GreenTulips · 08/03/2018 00:13

Tell him no way! It's your home not his regardless who pays for it

Tough if he doesn't like his mothers - tell him to get a hotel room

Lucked · 08/03/2018 00:15

Say no. Can the kids stay over with him at his mothers? I wouldn’t want any of the visit to be in my home in your shoes

NoqontroI · 08/03/2018 00:15

If it doesn't work for you then tell him no.

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 08/03/2018 00:18

No, no and thrice no.

I did this and ex made a mess then took photos of mess in my house to use in divorce.

Do not do this!

Original poster
TaylaD · 08/03/2018 00:32

Thank you ladies, and yes the kids could stay with his mother too, although it would be a squash but they have done it in the past. The thing is tonight he called me and said " What must he do?" He says he feels he has financial responsibilities to me and I have no responsibilities to him. How can that be fair? " I feel I have all the responsibilities of looking after our kids, since he does not live here. I am basically alone, in a new country, I do not know (as a friend or family member) anyone in my area. And it has been an absolute nightmare this past year. Now he feels I should help "fix" this problem. But I never caused this problem in the first place.

OP posts:
Cavender · 08/03/2018 00:46

I’d be saying no. He can’t have his cake and eat it.

Your children aren’t little ones that need tucked in and bedtime stories.

He stays with his mother or somewhere else, not your issue.

Hmm at someone who unilaterally abandoned his family to live a single life abroad whining about your responsibilities to him!

OliviaBenson · 08/03/2018 00:48

It's confusing and not good for the kids to have him home when he visits. Stick to your guns!

LastOneDancing · 08/03/2018 00:54

No!
'what must he do' is his concern (and his own fault) not yours.

Or send him a link to airbnb. If you're feeling generous.

Lweji · 08/03/2018 00:57

I feel I have all the responsibilities of looking after our kids, since he does not live here.
Exactly
and
*But I never caused this problem in the first place.
Exactly.

If it's not working for you, then it's his problem. He caused it, and left your holding the children.
She should sort it out.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered · 08/03/2018 01:06

What "he must do" is sort himself out without making you feel uncomfortable.

What that entails is his problem.

He should have thought of all his discomfort when he created the problem in the first place.

Stick to your guns OP Flowers

Cricrichan · 08/03/2018 04:36

What a cock - you have no responsibilities to him?? Other than single handedly raising his kids he means??

AbsolutelyCorking · 08/03/2018 05:12

NO!

MadeForThis · 08/03/2018 05:14

He would feel uncomfortable at his mothers? Poor him!!
Why should you feel uncomfortable in your own house?

The kids are old enough that they won't want to spend every minute with him. So that essentially means that he will be spending time with you. No Way!!

Don't let him twist the story so he can feel sorry for himself.

You are responsible for the DC 24/7. He may provide some financial support but that's it.

Don't let him get away with belittling you.

Tell him to go to his mother or get a hotel. Not your problem.

ChickenMom · 08/03/2018 05:21

No. No. No.
He left. You get to say what you want now. He doesn’t get to Swan back in and have it all handed to him on a plate. Yes he has a financial responsibility to you. That’s the law. If he doesn’t like it, tough. You were abandoned and are raising the kids alone. That’s enough responsibility thank you!! It doesn’t matter what he says. Stick to your guns. You are not an ex husband hotel. He loves coming back over and being spoilt eh? Being waited on by ex wife? No way. He isn’t comfortable at his mothers? Well boo hoo on him. He should have thought about that before he did what he did. His comfort levels are not your problem anymore. He isn’t your problem anymore. You get to tell him no. He goes to a hotel or stays with his mother or doesn’t come. Stay tough. At their ages he could pay for his daughters to go visit him once a month? Do not cook and clean for him anymore. Such a lack of respect and boundaries from him. You say you came to the UK and have no family around. Could you go back to where you do have family? You get to decide what you want now

Sally2791 · 08/03/2018 05:21

I will never fail to be amazed at how some people twist reality and are always hard done by. It's your home. He chose to abandon you,you have no obligation to make that comfortable for him!

Fortunatelymine · 08/03/2018 05:24

No. He created the problem, he can sort it out. His financial responsibilities are towards his children. Twat.

HoppingPavlova · 08/03/2018 05:28

No way. Not your problem. You are more than pulling your weight in that you have full time day to day responsibility for the kids. He can stay at his mothers or failing that get a hotel room.

NurseButtercup · 08/03/2018 06:07

Just say no, keep saying no and don't offer any solutions or discuss how to fix this problem. Tell him to figure it out for himself using the same amount of brain power he used to figure out how to leave you and your children. Good luck

Vitalogy · 08/03/2018 06:20

Say no it wouldn't work. Does he know you're struggling to move on, if so, he's being cruel too.

SciFiG33k · 08/03/2018 06:34

I was going to say no way in he'll but then I read this.
He pays for the house and expenses is this instead of child maintenance or on top of. Because if it's on top of then it's still his house and therefore he has as much right to be there as you do.

abbsisspartacus · 08/03/2018 06:36

Do you work? Can you pay your own house and expenses?

picklemepopcorn · 08/03/2018 06:55

You and XH moved to the U.K., near to his mother's house. He then left the U.K., then left you, after 14 yrs of marriage?

Could you move back to where you used to live?

He's an idiot. No, he shouldn't stay.

Original poster
TaylaD · 08/03/2018 07:18

I do work, but I do not earn enough to pay for the house and all the expenses. So in essence he pays the "Lions Share". He is a "professional" with a decent job. I unfortunately lived with him in a foreign country for many years prior to coming here. I was a 'Housewife' and did not further my career due to various reasons, one of them being the nature of his work, took him all over the world, so I stayed at home to look after the kids. At one stage, while in that foreign country, I covered for a lady while she was on maternity leave, the place I worked at was impressed and offered me a permanent job, but he complained that he would need to help take the kids to school, and that the "money" was not enough for me to work. And there were a few other complaints, so I did not take that position. Which I now regret.

We have not worked out final "maintenance" yet, I guess because we are still in the process of getting a divorce, and every time we try discuss it, we cannot come to a clear solution. So he pays for the house and gives me a certain amount of money each month, which I add to with the money I earn.

When we left the foreign country, if I knew this was going to happen I would have returned to my home country, to be with my family, because as you can imagine I missed them terribly. But he wanted to come to the UK as there was no future for him in our Home country work wise. But now that we are here, and the children are settled, I feel this is a better choice for the kids, as my home country is a dangerous place to live in. And as much as I miss my family terribly, at the end of the day I have to put my children first.

OP posts:
bitzy12 · 08/03/2018 07:44

No. I used to let my ex come and stay at weekends as he had no where to go. It was awkward as hell and it confused the kids. He slept on the sofa. It was just weird and wrong.

Then we tried me leaving (I stayed at my mums round the corner) and him staying at mine....I used to come home to an absolute bomb site everytime. He used to do it on purpose too. May seem petty to some but it used to really get to me. Knowing he could go through all my things while I wasn't there. Hated it.

It's your home. Your rules. Absolutely do not let him stay.