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Original poster

What would you reply?

35 replies

cleoowen · 07/03/2018 21:59

sorry it's been such a long time - I've been pretty snowed under recently. I applied for the position as xxxxxxx I got it, it's pretty manic once combined with home life too. I've also had news, my xxxx has been diagnosed with a very rare form of cancer, he has a brain tumour. Anyway, the last thing I want is to lose touch with you, I hope we can arrange to meet up really soon. Love always,

From who I thought was my best friend. Bit of background. Been friends since uni so 16 years. Used to be very close, nights out, holidays together and then with dh s. I supported her through a family member dying, attending funeral etc.

Over the years contact less frequent even though only 45 mins away. I accepted this as effort made both ways and when we did meet it was like we d only seen each other yesterday. However, since she had dc, 6 years ago, contact really went away. I began to be very one sided, phone calls unanswered and any meet ups initiated by me. As time went on we didn't seem to click when we met as before. Finally the last two years have pretty much been going to dcs parties and little contact in between.

She has no interest in my life. I texted her when pregnant with dd. Only reply was thought you would be. When asked why she said 'different lifestyles' I had dd two years after ds. When messaged her to say dd was to be a girl only got back that's nice! She didn't visit until I asked her to when dd was 6 months. No phone call/message asking how things are going etc. If contact her short answer, no effort to initiate meet up by her. I decided to not make the effort anymore so no contact for 6 months.

Out of the blue invited to family event. Unsure if should go but did. Arrive at event to find other two friends have key roles. Wasn't expecting key role, but realised all her other uni friends who she regarded as close friends have had key roles in two major events I her life except me. Was massive realisation that she doesn't see me as a close friend like I saw her. Reality check how one sided our friendship has been. How she only wants contact if something important/sad is happening in her life. Was upset and left directly after christening.

She did text to see if ok as didn't go to after party, looking forwards to seeing me, glad could come etc. I sent minimal replies.

No contact for another 10 months. Then I get message above.

OP posts:
joopy79 · 07/03/2018 22:45

Sometimes life gets in the way of friendship. It's a nice message, I don't see the problem. She's reaching out to you, she's apologised, she's explained her absence.

backsackcraic · 07/03/2018 22:49

If you want to keep the friendship going put the ball back in her court and reply something along the lines of great to hear from you. Good about job, bad about cancer, let me know a date, looking forward to catching up. That way it's non commital and it's up,to her to make the effort.

1981m · 07/03/2018 22:50

I feel like it doesn't get in the way of her friendships with others and I feel like it doesn't get in the way when she needs me or something bad/something to celebrate happens in her life.

Notice after 10 months her message is very I,I, I. She hasn't even asked how I am. What's going on in my life, how the dc are. I am reluctant to get into contact with her again because I just get upset when I have to make all the effort. I don't feel like if the roles were reversed she would be there for me.

Growuphelen · 07/03/2018 22:50

I would do the so so sorry, much love, how awful reply, with a yes it would be nice to meet up reply.
But I am bitter about similar 'friendships'

1981m · 07/03/2018 22:57

I am not sure I want to meet up. We ve been here before. I ve been there when she s needed me, when I ve talked to her about her lack of effort she tells me she values our friendship, loves me, will make more effort, hasn't been in touch because of x,y and z. I end up feeling silly for feeling the way I do, happy for a bit, then friendship goes back to minimal contact, all effort on my part and none on hers. I get upset etc, etc. It goes round in circles. It's taken a lot for me to break contact, I think about her a lot. But I can't continue with a friendship the way it was before. The family event mentioned was like a sudden reality check, it hit me hard where I stand with her. I don't think the friendships going to change and I am not willing to be the one making all the effort with no interest in my life anymore.

Locotion · 07/03/2018 23:04

I'd tell her to fuck off and speak to one of the other friends she has been choosing over you. You will be dropped again as soon as you have suported her through her hard time.

Id prob drop a non commital noise about meeting up but not follow through. And send thoughts for xxxxx. Wouldnt mention her job, stealth boast.

ChickenMom · 07/03/2018 23:09

It’s not really a friendship is it? If it’s almost a year with no contact then really what’s the point of all the stress of it? The event you went to, I’m assuming other uni friends were made godparents so she must be spending time and effort on those relationships but for some reason she’s not that interested in you. I’m guessing she’s got a group thing going with the other uni friends and that’s her priority. She likes you but you’re not a priority. You’re B list not A list. I personally don’t see the point of carrying on effort and time with B list. Just don’t reply. Spend your time and energy building new friendships that will be there for you and you’ll see and hear from more than once a year!

AuntyElle · 07/03/2018 23:10

‘Sorry to hear about xxx.
All best wishes, Cleo’

Or don’t reply.

NotLinkedInSnowedIn · 07/03/2018 23:13

/do not tell her to ''fuck off''!

What a ludicrous piece of advice.

Reply kindly that you're sorry to hear that she's so busy and that her xxxxx has cancer. Nobody is going to force you to meet up with her or squeeze her back in to your life against your will but it woudn't cost you anything to just reply kindly with some friendliness. You don't even have to comment on whether or not you thought the pair of you had lost touch or whether or not you care about that etc..

MrsElvis · 07/03/2018 23:14

Got to agree, you're B list and probably were padding out numbers....

Her texts before that sound quite snippy .

in all honesty I think she's had the bad news about the relative and has fished around in her brain for who she can offload on and use as an emotional crutch and you're name has popped up.

BerylStreep · 07/03/2018 23:22

I think it depends a bit who has the brain cancer. If her DH, child, or close family member then I can sort of understand if she has been out of contact.

Having said that, she seems to have had the time for other friends, so I would agree with pp - you are on the B list, and they are the A list.

Up to you if you either don't reply, or give a non-committal answer such as 'sorry to hear about xxx and his / her illness'

I honestly wouldn't bother confronting her - what use would it be?

Labradoodliedoodoo · 07/03/2018 23:29

You’re not close so you don’t need to support her through things. However you can still be polite and send your love.

1981m · 07/03/2018 23:30

Mrs- exactly I think that's it. I think she may have looked around her in a hard time And wondered who she can look to for support. I think she's very, oh cleo won't mind, I can take cleo for granted.

It's hard to gage her friendship with the other uni/school friends. Last time I visited her she told me she hadn't spoken to her two bridesmaids for over a year. She told me she hasn't spoken to one of the uni friends who was a godparent for nearly a year and their lives have gone in different directions. Next thing I know 6 months later she's a godparent! Either she was lying to make the fact she never sees me better or she's looked around now she's going through a bad time and realised she's cut ties with people and doesn't have a support network. I don't know.

She's very good at making me feel like we re good friends with her words. It wouldn't be the same without you, love always, looking forwards to seeing you, we ve told no one but family, but this isn't followed through with actions.

One of my friends thinks I should tell her how I feel. I would be friends with her again but only if the friendship was more even. Perhaps that would happen if I told her how I feel? I think it Would go back to the norm.

I won't tell her to F off no. It's either tell her how I feel or just reply with sympathy along the lines of suggestions made here and nothing else.

ClareB83 · 07/03/2018 23:30

We all have B list friends who are still friends, worth being polite to and meeting up with when it suits you both.

You just didn't realise you were B list for this friend and you're understandably upset. You need to work out what you're prepared to offer in this new dynamic.

1981m · 07/03/2018 23:37

I know I am not prepared to carrying on feeling upset that we hardly speak and all effort is made by me. Or that she doesn't care about my life.

I guess this could be an opportunity for us to get close again and the only way I think the friendship could continue is if I tell her how I feel and changes are made. I don't know if I want to take the risk of this happening though.

I am always on the b list it feels. I don't know how to move to the A list.

I have other friends I am on the b list to and it's mutual so we re both happy. That's fine.

ferrier · 07/03/2018 23:45

Nice polite reply. Commiserate etc. Fill her in a bit on what you've been up to 'really busy etc etc and don't see that ending any time soon so not sure at the moment when we could meet up but it was nice of you to suggest it... '

RandomMess · 07/03/2018 23:47

I think you need to "move on" you said you don't click like you used to. I think you've actually outgrown her and being her crutch with nothing in return. Better to invest more in other "more equal" friendships. Thanks so polite and kind reply without getting sucked in because she needs you again.

AuntyElle · 08/03/2018 08:14

I don't know how to move to the A list.

You really can’t. She’s put you on her ‘B list’. You can tell her how you feel, but I very much doubt that will lead to you getting close again or her changing. (I’ve tried it myself.)
It is obviously really painful, but it’s happened over years now so perhaps it’s time to accept and move on. That’s the bit that’s in your control - you don’t have to be her go to for support and little else.

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 08/03/2018 08:48

Personally I wouldn't bother replying, save your time for real friends. I had one like this and was always down to me to arrange meetups etc. A relationship drama for her and I was a shoulder to cry on, life change for me last year and she 'was busy'. Since then she messaged once (positive she was eager for juicy gossip after seeing a fb post I put up) and I have not replied. We know how this 'friendship' plays out and I save my time on real, true friends now. Flowers

backsackcraic · 08/03/2018 13:23

Have you replied op?

donners312 · 08/03/2018 14:29

She doesn't make you feel good so what is the point.

I would reply "sorry to hear your news. XX"

1981m · 08/03/2018 17:25

No not yet. Not sure what to reply.

Yes that's how I feel. She doesn't make me feel good, I get nothing from the friendship. I don't see the point of six monthly meet ups for children's parties when we don't know what's going on in each other's lives.

I guess I hoping if I tell her how I feel it might change but from experience I know it won't.

1981m · 09/03/2018 17:56

So what about this reply

Hi

So sorry to hear about xxxx how horrible. We will be thinking of you.

Congrats on the new job. That's great, well done.

Cleo x or love cleo?

Pigglesworth · 09/03/2018 20:19

I think your suggested reply sounds good.

1981m · 10/03/2018 12:06

ThAnks. I sent it and got a reply about meeting up. Again, no how are things with you etc. Not replied to that yet.

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