What would you reply?

[cleoowen]

sorry it's been such a long time - I've been pretty snowed under recently. I applied for the position as xxxxxxx I got it, it's pretty manic once combined with home life too. I've also had news, my xxxx has been diagnosed with a very rare form of cancer, he has a brain tumour. Anyway, the last thing I want is to lose touch with you, I hope we can arrange to meet up really soon. Love always,

From who I thought was my best friend. Bit of background. Been friends since uni so 16 years. Used to be very close, nights out, holidays together and then with dh s. I supported her through a family member dying, attending funeral etc.

Over the years contact less frequent even though only 45 mins away. I accepted this as effort made both ways and when we did meet it was like we d only seen each other yesterday. However, since she had dc, 6 years ago, contact really went away. I began to be very one sided, phone calls unanswered and any meet ups initiated by me. As time went on we didn't seem to click when we met as before. Finally the last two years have pretty much been going to dcs parties and little contact in between.

She has no interest in my life. I texted her when pregnant with dd. Only reply was thought you would be. When asked why she said 'different lifestyles' I had dd two years after ds. When messaged her to say dd was to be a girl only got back that's nice! She didn't visit until I asked her to when dd was 6 months. No phone call/message asking how things are going etc. If contact her short answer, no effort to initiate meet up by her. I decided to not make the effort anymore so no contact for 6 months.

Out of the blue invited to family event. Unsure if should go but did. Arrive at event to find other two friends have key roles. Wasn't expecting key role, but realised all her other uni friends who she regarded as close friends have had key roles in two major events I her life except me. Was massive realisation that she doesn't see me as a close friend like I saw her. Reality check how one sided our friendship has been. How she only wants contact if something important/sad is happening in her life. Was upset and left directly after christening.

She did text to see if ok as didn't go to after party, looking forwards to seeing me, glad could come etc. I sent minimal replies.

No contact for another 10 months. Then I get message above.

Just say it's not a good time for you at the moment and you'll get back to her.

Then you can think about whether you actually want to.

I wouldn't bother replying to the latest one.

She seems keen to meet up again. Why? She hasn't displayed any interest in you, so I think you are right about her wanting to rebuild her network. Which I suppose isn't wrong of her, but I don't think your feelings should be trampled over.

You have previously spoken to her about how one sided you feel the friendship is, and she hasn't changed.

I'd honestly just leave it and not reply.

It's looks as though she sees you a a support role in her life when she has major problems and keep the fun things for the 2 other friends.

I have had this with 2 both of whom have off loaded to me over the years all their problems. Wanted my help and support with difficult times in their life.

The good stuff I didn't get asked to share no matter how much I tried to instigate contact and don't see them anymore as I was the helper.... known as "Old Faithful"!!!

I would just send a message back saying Sorry to hear your bad news and leave it at that. Hopefully she turn to her other 2 besties for the support she is looking for at the moment.

Yes don't think I am going to answer her latest text.

It's tricky as I guess she might be upset I haven't offered up any support and this is an opportunity to get close again I guess. If I support her through this maybe we would be close again?

I find her hard to support though. She doesn't ring me for advice/support or anything even when we're close. She's quite closed and has a get on with it attitude. When her father died I talked to her about it on her visit, went to the funeral. But if I tried to ring her the messages went unanswered. When I texted her they did too or were just generic replies. She's hard to be there for.

Dh thinks the other friends are closer as maybe she feels they were there for her more. I know one probably was. But I ve tried to be. She doesn't reach out to me about things. I don't think I am the sort of person people do reach out to as I find this with all my friends really.

No you are holding onto nothing. She has showed you time and again where you are on her list of priorities

How many times do you need it this happen before you actually realise?

Let it go whilst the ball is still in your court!

Your last up date totally seems to contradict your previous suggestions about her only teaching out when she wants you to support her.

I think it's very easy to lose friends and if there's anything worth salvaging here give it a go. Just make sure it isn't so one sided. Don't go totally out of your way for her. Suggest a time and place that is convenient for you and if she pushes for something that's inconvenient just say 'no that doesn't work for me'.

Cleo, don't reply again, you've said all you need to say, in your message.
She is trying to flush you out.
I think it would be in your best interests, to 'let this ship sail '.

I lost touch with old uni friend for over 10 years through life, distance, et al, I reached out when a major event happened and I was so grateful she responded.

People move through your life at different times and speeds. But if this relationship is causing you more angst than happiness then you need to think of yourself.

And not even a "Hi, how are you, it's been so long".

It's a difficult one, OP. But doesn't have to be.

Maybe msg her and ask her what made her get in touch (in a non-angry way).

I think it's quite telling that when you didnt initiate contact, ten months went by. She sounds very me-me, that is just some people's character. It seems that you are thrust into her life, but she doesn't want to venture into yours. I'd, personally, leave it.

I haven't answered. The Ball's in her court. If she does message again about meeting up I think I will ask her why she wants to meet. I think I won't hear from her again because I haven't been forthcoming to her problems.