Am I right to consider a lie a betrayal?

[buddling1]

A couple of years ago I discovered my husband (an ex smoker) was using vaping cigarettes, he knew how much I hated them and so had been doing it behind my back but with other people knowing about it, needless to say I felt he was playing me for a bit of a fool and very betrayed. He promised it was a lapse in judgement and told me he would never do it again. A couple of months later while on holiday I found he had bought a vape device and had hidden it away where we were staying. Very angry and upset at having been betrayed again I confronted him. Yet again he said it was a huge mistake, he knew he had upset me and promised it would never happen again....guess what! Yet another few months down the line and I find another one and loads of the little smoking cartridges, not even well hidden! This was it for me, I was utterly devastated that he could again break his promise knowing how much it had hurt me. He said although he had lied it wasn't really bad as it was just about something small. I couldn't get across to him that it didn't matter what it was about it was a continued betrayal of trust and yet another broken promise. I am normally quite robust but this actually had me crying myself to sleep...he listened to me do it. So, a year and a half down the line and I see what looks like a charger for a vape device, in his office in fairly plain sight is the thing itself. I can't quite get my head around how someone who heard me cry myself to sleep could honestly break the same promise yet again. I am now a bit numb, I feel like there is no trust left. Yet again he has made the choice to betray me, go behind my back and do the one thing I literally begged him not to do. I have confronted him again and yet again he says it's not really serious as it's not like he is doing anything terrible or having an affair. He can't see that he has broken the same promise over and over, he says me being upset is overkill. Help me...is it me or am I right to feel that when he has promised so many times and broke that promise that a betrayal is a betrayal regardless of the content?

Well the lying is bad, no question. But I'm not really understanding why you've made vaping the hill you want to die on.

What do you do next - at this point you've got to realise he's never going to stop vaping on your request, demand or entreaty - so now what?

Bloody hell love, how are you going to react when he bangs someone else!?

Why are you with someone who wants to do something that you hate?

I think you're being really dramatic about vaping - but if that's your Big Thing - why are you with someone who vapes??

He's showing you v clearly with both actions and words that he isn't going to stop doing this thing that you hate - you need to accept reality and either let it go, or move on. Because you can't make him be what he isnt, or do what he already has shown you AND told you he believes he should be able to do...

Budding your DH does he have little spots on the side of his face? If so that's because your hen pecking him to death.

In the great scheme of things vaping is not serious, he could be a raving alcoholic, a womaniser, a gambler, hooked on class A drugs, then you would know what devastation is.

You sound spoilt, there are so many horrible things that can happen in a relationship but him vaping is not one of them.

Cut him some slack, betrayal is not vaping it's finding your husband having an affair with your best friend, it's gambling all his wages away so you have no money to feed your children.

Count yourself lucky he's doing none of the above, appreciate him and support him instead of making a mountain out of a mole hill.

Thanks for all responses so far. Yes vaping not a big issue, if I hadn't specified what it was he was doing though and simply said he had broken the same promise and betrayed my trust four times though would your responses have been different? The idea I am exploring is does it matter what it is about, is breaking one trust any worse or better than breaking another?

I understand the lying to you to to be honest he probably feels he has to lie or he will get grief from you. Maybe he’s addicted to nicotine and vaping is better than smoking. He’s an adult if he wants to vape he can If that is the only thing wrong with the relationship I think you are over reacting sorry

Why do you hate vaping cigarettes? Why do you consider it has an impact on you? There’s little evidence it’s esp harmful is there - so better than smoking? On the surface of it, my reaction is that you are inappropriately trying to control someone, and that your DH hasn’t had the guts to say this so has gone for a ‘there there of course not dear’ response - he’s prob quite addicted. So I don’t think that you can see the betrayal out of context

it's not really even a drug - why not let the poor guy vape?

I think the magnitude of the lie does matter, yes. If this is the only thing he lies about then it’s a bit of an over reaction.

I lie about the price of shoes....

Quit the drama. Stop being so controlling.

Put up with the vaping or end the relationship. Either way, problem solved.

I lie not just about the price of shoes but also after promising not to buy anymore I do, and then hide them from DP. He does not know there are 18 pairs hidden in my office, so yes it is a lie but is it betrayal? It's my money and I'm not harming anyone. If he found them he would have a rant, about I already have to many etc etc, but I love shoes, boots, sandals, trainers you name it if it can go on your feet I love it!

The fact of the matter is we all tell lies to our significant other, some tiny white lies and some whoopers. Lies are one thing but betrayal is a different matter, it's like a stab in the back from someone you trust to look out for you. We all have weaknesses, it's part of being human.

So it's not vaping? So all pp who have given advice on trust you are upset about broken promises over vaping, have just wasted their time effort and input?
Great.
All broken promises have different levels of seriousness.

DH always promises to put bins out when I've been ill. He never does.
That's a bit different from promising not to shag his colleague. And breaking the promise.

What did you gain from this, OP?

OP you do realise it is an addiction don't you? You can't make someone give up unless he wants to and presumably he was a smoker or a vaper(er) when you met each other?

I take your point about broken promises but using words like betrayal and crying yourself to sleep is very melodramatic and indeed manipulative on your part. You are so determined to get your own way that you are taking his addiction and making it about you. If concerned about smoke in your home, I would understand and I know there are health concerns about vaping too but from what you have written, it is akin to him promising to put down the toilet seat and not prioritising doing so resulting in you having a breakdown. You really need to put this into perspective.

I totally get where you are coming from OP. It's not so much the thing, it's the principle. I have a DP who has exactly the same habit of routinely redoing something that has caused massive disagreement/has been promised to stop etc etc. In his book it's neither a lie nor a betrayal to do it again, just 'forgetfulness'
And no, it's not vaping.

Vaping is grim , I couldn't he's with someone who did it and if I found out they did they wouldn't have to worry about lying to me about it as I'd gecso physically turned off them that a relationship would be completely untenable anyway.

This keyboard is a nightmare 😠

I wonder if there are other issues in the marriage. If you are reacting like this over him vaping then I'd advise him to divorce you because you're being melodramatic and unreasonable. Is this just about the vaping?

If I was your DH, and was addicted to nicotine and vaped over actually smoking - I would hide it from you as well. To an ex-smoker it's a welcome alternative.

I struggled to quit actual smoking when my DH was using standover tactics like you are, I felt he was telling me what to do, making it all about him , and being incredibly controlling and it made it so much harder if I lapsed. I couldn't share how I was struggling , so I hid any backsliding. It wasn't a giant "betrayal", it was weakness and fear of his disproportionate reactions.

Consider the level of drama you are bringing to the situation. "Very betrayed" " Crying all night?" " I confronted him again and again.".etc.

You cannot make someone quit an addiction by flinging yourself around all over the place and insisting he stop. Of course he promised to stop, he probably would have said anything to calm you down.

You seem to not be able to address this rationally, or talk properly to him about without making it about you and your feelings. He has no way of talking to you about this calmly, so of course he'd hide it.

I don't see the circumstances you describe as being a giant betrayal, I see it as a man badgered into hiding an addiction he can't stop.

You have more chance of him stopping if you don't make such a huge issue about it. The illicit nature of having to sneak around is just as attractive as the actual vaping.

I think in the scenario you described, promises made under duress don't count.

Bloody hell love, how are you going to react when he bangs someone else!?
Wtf ford?!?

OP, is this an investigation on the current broken promise thread regarding porn? Seems very similar, just reframed to cover gaping rather than porn watching...

Whatever, a repeatedly broken promise is a lie, as he obviously has no intention of keeping that promise, esp if he is secreting equipment away for later use. Doesn't matter what it's about, its a lie. Of you consider lying (repeatedly ) a betrayal of trust, then yes, it's a betrayal. It would be better for him to just come clean and admit he's addicted. Or enjoys it too much to give up.

Telling him he can’t vape is tantamount to telling him he can’t eat chocolate. It’s literally that rediculous.

You might not like it but he obviously does. I don’t agree with the lying but at the same time you seem like a difficult person to say no to. I suspect he just agrees to not do it for an easy life because I can’t see why he just wouldn’t say he likes to vape and tell you to deal with it.

Vaping isn’t great for you, but neither is eating chocolate.

Give the bloke a break. Tell him you don’t agree with the lying and to be truthful regarding the vaping in future. Tell him you don’t like it, but if he wants to do it, it’s up to him (which it is, you can’t dictate this) and leave it at that.

He isn’t cheating, gambling or worse, he lied yes, but not in a sinister way. I think if you relax about the vaping he won’t lie about the vaping.

OP, is this an investigation on the current broken promise thread regarding porn?

That would be interesting. Firstly the vaping. A promise extracted under duress, IMHO, is not a promise that has to be kept. Only promises given freely are valid.

And, as far as I'm concerned, porn is indicative of a moral mindset, considering the violence and suffering involved in the porn industry, So if my partner/husband still wanted to fuel that industry they would not be someone I would want to spend anymore time with.

Massive over reaction

Yes, I think the nature of the promise does matter.

I also think that how the promise was extracted matters (did he make an active choice or did you insist)

“Betrayed” is a emotive word to use for this situation, most people would be annoyed, frustrated or angry.

Crying ones self to sleep does not seem like a proportionate reaction.

It sounds from your post that he is promising because you are insisting that he does. That’s not really a promise. That’s control and manipulation on your part.

Now I don’t like smoking or vaping either but you married a man with an addiction to nicotine, it isn’t something that ever really goes away.

If this is really your line in the sand you need to decide how far you’ll go, because it doesn’t sound like your DH can manage his addiction.

His feeding that addiction isn’t about you.

Your choice is to accept it or not. Work with him to manage it if he is prepared to but stop using it as a stick to beat him with.