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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He loves the gym more than me.

38 replies

Passmeanotherimgoingtoneedit · 07/03/2018 21:24

DH is obsessed with the gym/sport in general. He goes a minimum of 6 days a week. Every night he gets back late from work or the gym and then the night revolves around getting ready for the gym again the next day. Washing kit, meal prepping, talking about what he did etc. I go running a couple of times a week but don't harp on about it. He rarely wants to do anything in the evening, often will fall asleep on the sofa at 8:30. We are TTC but don't always have sex, because he'll fall asleep while I'm getting ready for bed. Help ! I know he is trying to keep fit, but I'd just like a little more time with him. I have asked him to cut back, but he won't as he needs it for stress relief and as he goes through the day at work says it's doesn't impact on our evenings - but it does when an hour is taken up with gym prep and he calls it a night at 8:30 !

OP posts:
PrizeOik · 07/03/2018 21:35

Has he always been this way?

If not, what triggered the change?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 07/03/2018 21:36

Is it worth another chat with him?

I mean; I'm him at the moment - I'm going the gym every night after work, for stress relief and to get fitter. I leave work; come home for my stuff, go back to the gym, and get back an hour or sometimes an hour and a half later. Then make dinner and we chat for a bit, usually, and go to bed a bit later. This week I've been shattered after the gym and I was chatting to DP in bed from 9:30 yesterday and probably asleep by 10.

If his tiredness isn't getting better, though, and he's not prioritising spending time with you - let alone TTC - I'd be worried. Is he usually like this? Is there any chance that the TTC has made him more stressed and worried; and he's using the gym as an escape?

Original poster
Passmeanotherimgoingtoneedit · 07/03/2018 21:44

He has changed jobs and the new place is a bit of a boys club ! Yes TTC is definitely stressing him out !

OP posts:
brucebogtrotter · 07/03/2018 21:50

Place marking as I also have a husband like this. Bear in mind that it grates on me a hell of a lot more now we have a child. I've tried to point out loads of times how he's missing opportunities for family time, but it's falling on deaf ears. I have no easy solutions and am currently really unhappy Sad

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 07/03/2018 21:54

I wouldn’t try to conceive with someone who is already so keen in spending more time at the gym than with you. It will be far worse with kids.

You know OLD... it is full of newly divorced/separated exercise obsessed guys who obviously put their hobbies well above their families (and are not showing any inclination to change either)

NearlyThirtyDad · 07/03/2018 21:59

Okay well if it's a bit of a boys club then it makes a bit more sense, also depending on his age and how long you've been together could also influence it but to me it sounds like what a lot of men go through and it's not to do with you or his feeling to for you but largely his own insecurities.

Original poster
Passmeanotherimgoingtoneedit · 07/03/2018 22:03

Together 10 years, early 40's .

OP posts:
NearlyThirtyDad · 07/03/2018 22:05

I wouldn't do anything over the top or believe some of the other posts I've read TBH. If you feel he isn't spending enough time with you m, I'd suggest you sit him down, firstly - tell him you find him attractive (help his insecurities, secondly - tell him your happy he's found a new hobby he enjoys (let's face facts it's better this than going down the pub every night wasting money and abusing his body) and thirdly - tell him how you feel that, that you need to spend more time with him, just the two of you, even possibly find a schedule ?. I think having an adult conversation would help and probably solve the issues and if not at least highlight any problems you need to fix.

NearlyThirtyDad · 07/03/2018 22:07

Ok make even more sense if he's in his early 40s as men's bodies need more work to keep aesthetically pleasing as they get older. Also I don't want to pry and it may be none of my business but when you are TTC is it purely mechanical or do you take the time to inject passion as if it's the first he may feel unattractive.

NotTheFordType · 07/03/2018 22:12

Gosh, nearly 30 dad, I feel so honoured that a man has stopped by.

Meanwhile back in reality...

NearlyThirtyDad · 07/03/2018 22:16

@NotTheFordType erm..... pardon ? I don't know what me being a man has anything to do with this. I don't think I've been sexist or "mansplained" anything I merely offered an opinion the OP can accept or reject as she sees fit as she can with anyone else's advice ?

AnyFucker · 07/03/2018 22:24

If you are in your 40's and ttc you have no time to waste on tiptoeing around his vanity

Since you seem to want to have a baby with this clapped out gym bunny (can't think why, but it takes all sorts) then he needs to get to it. Time's a wastin' (and so are your eggs)

Original poster
Passmeanotherimgoingtoneedit · 08/03/2018 07:36

I'm not in my 40's but thank you for that helpful insight @AnyFucker. @NearlyThirtyDad what difference does it being a boys club, why does that make sense ?

OP posts:
Changedname3456 · 08/03/2018 08:01

“clapped out gym bunny”? It’s one way of looking at it.

Of course I’m sure OP would much prefer a stresshead partner with a Dad-bod who spends his time playing poker with his mates, or down the pub, or golfing, or doing up cars, or any of the other umpteen billion “unacceptable” (to some women) ways to relax.

OP - are you actually sure he wants to start a family? He’s got to be aware of what a massive lifestyle change it’ll be, not to mention a cash drain. Who suggested it - you or him?

SD1978 · 08/03/2018 08:05

Have you reversed this from yesterday to see if it garners you more support?

Stormwhale · 08/03/2018 08:06

Dp is a gym addict. I would not take it away from him as he needs it for his mental health. However, after big discussions on how unfair it is to expect me to do far more parenting because he is going to the gym, he now goes after dd is in bed. I don't mind that at all, I can watch whatever I like, have a long bath, read in peace etc.

I think if you are ttc, you need to have a big conversation about how this needs to be once you are pregnant and need more support, as well as once the child is born. Do not accept being the default parent while he swans off to the gym all the time.

Heismyopendoor · 08/03/2018 08:12

Can he not go in the morning before work? That’s what my DH does

Joysmum · 08/03/2018 08:49

Excellent advice from NearlyThirtyDad

I’d just add that if he’s not got enough room in his life now for a good quality relationship, he sure as hell won’t have enough room in his life to be both a good partner and a good father.

NearlyThirtyDad · 08/03/2018 09:10

It makes a difference OP if he has moved in to a new workplace that's very masculine and if the other men are all younger or in better shape this could play on his insecurities ? Combined with the fact when groups of men get together the "banter" can be quite harsh and you need to develop a thick skin so if they've been joking around and saying stuff this could also effect his self-esteem, obviously I'm not saying this is what has happen but it's a possibility especially if this obsession has came from nowhere ? What I would say is some of the other comments here could be true regarding his actually wanting to start a family (I'm assuming this is your first together ?) but you will never know the truth until you actually have an adult conversation with him.

Joysmum · 08/03/2018 09:34

but you will never know the truth until you actually have an adult conversation with him

Another excellent post 👍

anyman99 · 08/03/2018 12:09

Classic . He is either avoiding home or he feels better at the gym. In either case , why?
Simplest solution, ask him. You might not like the answer but at least you can then deal with it.
Or even go with him some evenings.

TatianaLarina · 08/03/2018 12:22

Why are you ttc with someone who is never home and whose life revolves around himself when he is? He has no time for a baby.

You’re not thinking he’s going to change are you? Wink

NearlyThirtyDad · 08/03/2018 12:34

I really would advice not to over think this, just talk to him. Sometimes we can be oblivious to how we make others feel.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 08/03/2018 12:44

He is either avoiding home or he feels better at the gym. In either case , why?

That's not the case for me; as I said up thread. I'm not avoiding home; nor do I feel better at the gym. I need the release and I want to be better at the gym; so I dedicate a bit of my evening each day to do that.

It could well be the same for him. Or he could be avoiding TTC; or very stressed from trying and using it as his release too. Only he knows.

StarlightSparkle · 08/03/2018 12:55

If it’s annoying you now it will make you positively murderous when you have a child and you’re left doing all the childcare. Would he recognise his behaviour is getting obsessive if you pointed it out? Make sure he realises that he will have to change his ways if you have a child.

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