Struggling to cope with LDR break up - need some words of wisdom

[RubyN]

2 weeks ago: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3175741-Boyfriend-left-me-blindsided-I-am-heartbroken-dont-understand-it

Short version: we had been long distance (9 months total, we only had 3 months to go). We had both made the effort to visit each other quite frequently, had made plans to move in together later this year & he told me he viewed me as his long term partner. At New Year he was talking about our kids & saying 'you're as close to perfect as I'll ever find in this life. Its only a matter of time before you realise you are too beautiful and too intelligent for me.' He did a 180 after I started talking about moving in together and had now decided that our interests and vision in life was too different, even though this wasn't true.

He made me believe he was 100% committed but shortly after new year I noticed a changed in him. He was shattered all the time, falling asleep on Skype and had developed sensitivity to lights. All I could think was: Depression. When he came to visit he was crying & saying 'I don't know if I'm a good person.' A few months before that he said he was lost in life and didn't get the job he really wanted.

I went to collect my belongings from him a few days ago. He got me a cup of tea while I packed & was going out of his way to be extra helpful. We didn't discuss the break up at all, instead it seemed like a normal day as we discussed our lives as we always had. I knew that if I mentioned it I would just dissolve into tears & wanted to maintain my dignity. After I had been there nearly an hour he asked if I'd like another cup of tea, which I declined.

My ex accompanied me to get lunch and then came with me to the train station. He held onto me for a long time, saying 'oh Ruby...' & brushed the snow off my face. We kissed & when I told him he better go (feeling the tears coming) he reached out for my hand. I put my hand in his and he held and stroked it. Then he said goodbye and kept turning around to look at me as he walked away.

My family has been amazing but now i'm back in the country I'm working again for a few months. I feel so lonely without him. He was my best friend and not a day went by when I didn't hear from him. I don't know to survive this part even though I know I'm strong. Anyone been through this kind of heartbreak and come out the other side? I think I need positive stories...

Oh dear dear me. He's a player.

Others will come along to give you specific support. But I guarantee you the day will come when you skip with joy that you didn't end up shackled to him.

Oh dear dear me. He's a player.

^ What makes you say that?

Thanks for the

I'm sorry OP, he can come up with loads of reasons as to why he had a change of heart, we all could, fact is he has ended it, that says it all, if he wanted to be with you he would be, I am really sorry but I think he's played you a merry dance and yes possibly been seeing someone else and has now decided to follow that path instead.

He's not worthy of you, all the looking back bullshit, if he actually had feelings for you then why would he end it, exactly.

But why play me a 'merry dance'? Why include me in two family celebrations at Christmas/New Year and book not one, but TWO, holidays with me, less than a week before the break up?

I would be disgusted if it turned out he had cheated on me. He had his faults but I honestly would not consider that to be something he would've done.

So he had a change of heart - how on earth do I trust any man that says he is committed to me in the future? How do I know he won't have a 'change of heart' at any given moment? I've cried twice today because that is the pain my heart is in - but I almost feel angry at myself for wasting tears.

I would assume from his VERY sudden change of heart and the comment 'I don't know if I'm a good person', that he cheated on you. Probably ONS, but something happened to change his mind in the space of a week.

But why play me a 'merry dance'? Why include me in two family celebrations at Christmas/New Year and book not one, but TWO, holidays with me, less than a week before the break up?

I would be disgusted if it turned out he had cheated on me. He had his faults but I honestly would not consider that to be something he would've done.

So he had a change of heart - how on earth do I trust any man that says he is committed to me in the future? How do I know he won't have a 'change of heart' at any given moment? I've cried twice today because that is the pain my heart is in - but I almost feel angry at myself for wasting tears.

So was your relationship one which started out as long distance? How were you planning to be able to make the move to be together permanently?

Reality is that long distance relationships are hard. And they’re even harder when you’re in a position where one or the other is going to be expected to move to be with the other when you’ve only been seeing each other maybe every couple of months?

They can work, but IM it’s that permanency which often brings the doubts.

I’ve done all of the above. Been in a cross-continental LDR where truth be told there was absolutely no chance it would work out on a long term basis, have been in a LDR with now eXH when he was at uni, and am currently in a LDR with DP because he works in a different town, and actually circumstances have meant that we may actually never be able to live together permanently.

It can work, but it takes some power to make it work.

Also, all the lovey dovey stroking of hands and face stuff is just over romanticised tripe designed to not make you angry that he’s breaking up with you.

He may not have met someone else, but clearly this isn’t where he wants to be, so I would cut contact for now and leave him to his own life. It does get better I promise.

My first LDR rang me about eight weeks after the breakup telling me that he’d made a mistake, but when I suggested he come over to see me he wasn’t prepared to do that, so it was never meant to be. He’s now on his 5th wife, so I suspect I had a lucky escape .

It was 9 months and long distance; a person can spin plenty bullshit in that short period of time, esp if they are living elsewhere.

I think it's bloody awful how he has treated you OP, what exactly were his reasons for ending it, did he say he was not good enough for you, how you deserved better...blah, blah....?

'you're as close to perfect as I'll ever find in this life. Its only a matter of time before you realise you are too beautiful and too intelligent for me.

That would have been a red flag for me OP, declaring all that in such a short space of time and sorry but it also sounds like utter cack.

This is what happened:

We were together for one year before the long distance began. After lengthy talks we decided we wanted to make it work - my ex admitted he was scared at first but now felt confident that we would manage 9 months of long distance. He wanted me to take the career opportunity so that I would not be resentful later on.

In January, aware that I had only 4 months of my contract left to go, I brought up the topic of living closer together and as he initially said he wanted us to live together when I returned, I mentioned that again. Well now he froze up, tried to change the subject and rambled about how nice it would be to live alone!

It seems to be after this conversation that his feelings cooled. Three weeks later he flew out to see me and said he was worried we didn't 'share the same long term vision'. I asked if he was breaking up and with a big smile on his face, he said no of course not!

By long term vision he meant place to live: my ex was brought up on a farm & while he lives in the city now, when he broke up with me he announced the city made him feel claustrophobic and he was now moving to a cottage by himself in the countryside...but with friends living nearby. He said he didn't think I was cut out for a country life despite knowing fine well that I love rural settings. We compromised on a town we have both always loved 20 mins from the countryside - or so I thought. In the break up email he told me needed to live in the countryside NOW. I do think he might be having some kind of mental breakdown.

After the break up when I went to collect my things I couldn't help but feel sympathy for him. The neighbours upstairs had been throwing a raging party from 10pm the night before until when I arrived at 11am. I thought of how many nights he had spent alone in that hellhole of a flat & how lonely he must have been. It makes me tear up just thinking about. Originally I offered to stay with him and not take the job if it was what he wanted, but he insisted we would be fine for the 9 months.

Then during the break it was I'm no longer feeling the connection when apart...although I feel the same in person...

Ultimately when we were back together again I felt the connection was just as strong as ever. I couldn't help feeling what a waste it was of a valuable relationship. He told me he was 100% committed on making the LDR work and that I was his long term partner...he even said he had meant it 2 months ago, but then changed his mind.

He's a future faker OP, he told you whatever it was he thought you wanted to hear, believe me if a man and woman want to be together, they will live in whatever to be able to stay together; he was full of it right from the start, it's all talk, you should always look to someone's actions to judge them on how they are treating you.

I honestly have no idea why you feel sorry for him, he lead you on then basically dropped you.

He held onto me for a long time, saying 'oh Ruby...' & brushed the snow off my face. We kissed & when I told him he better go (feeling the tears coming) he reached out for my hand. I put my hand in his and he held and stroked it. Then he said goodbye and kept turning around to look at me as he walked away.

Yes, this would have annoyed me somewhat. It's like he's viewing himself from above in a film. Don't get sucked in to all that kind of nonsense.

Exactly in January he said he didn't care where he lived, 'I just want to be where you are.' So much for that!!

I feel sorry for him because I genuinely think he is going through a difficult time in life. He has been to the doctor numerous times and is seeing a counsellor. I probably shouldn't feel the level of sympathy that I do. But seeing him cry and tell me he feels completely 'lost' was heartbreaking because I loved him.

Well in terms of 'actions' I took his continuing to come out and visit me and calling every day to be proof of his continued commitment...

Have you got to the part with his huge strapping pens? You don't wanna be around when he starts writing with those.

He feels lost but not lost enough to give you up, sorry but I think he either is full of absolute bullshit or he has real issues, esp if he has been to the docs on numerous occasions and seeing a counsellor, what for exactly.......I just think he's a bit of a fantasist and was hedging his bets with you but I reckon he's moved on to someone else.

whatever it is, it doesn't matter cos he has ended it, don't twist yourself up trying to work out why, you are going to have to accept it because I honestly don't think he's the one for you. He fed you lines and then dropped you, get angry OP, that's not the actions of a man that is committed, at all.

I go between anger, deep sadness and feeling numb at the moment.

It's really done a number on my self esteem Adora. I feel like I have things going for me and that he appreciated me at one time, but ultimately decided he didn't want me. He even said he is still very attracted to me!

Not only that, at Christmas/New Year both our families were definitely under the impression that we were a serious item. He told me his mum was making a serious effort with me in a way she hadn't with previous GFs. I definitely think his family thought our relationship was becoming more committed as I did based on their treatment of me.

It's shit, isn't it, not a lot you can do though, you did nothing wrong.

Whatever the reason, he's changed his mind as he's a right to do and now you just have to process that and only look forward, which is excruciating particularly when all you want to do is pick apart where it went wrong etc etc . I have been the dumped and the dumped and of course it's always worse when it's done to you, particularly when you think all is well but life is about change. If I hadn't have been unceremoniously dropped like a hit stone by my ex by a note through the door after four years and knowing him for 20, I would not be blissfully married to my gorgeous husband now. Remember what they say, if someone walks away from you, let them go, their chapter in your story is over. Try to rationalise and realise nobody can give you a lifelong assurance of anything...life is fluid and everything changes, it has to, to grow. If you're not meant to grow with him, you're meant to grow without him and you will.

Thanks Les. I'm sure those are wise words. To think that everything can be fluid is a bit of a scary thought even if it is true. I am missing the 'team' mentality and protection of being in a loving relationship already.

The one thing I don't get is what he meant when he said he didn't feel the 'spark' anymore. The last time we were together the sex was off the charts, happened many times and my ex was talking repeatedly about how hot it was for weeks after.

Even when I was picking up my things we were bantering and he was definitely still flirting with me. So what do you think he meant by this?

I think he means he fancies you but (at present) cant move forward to the next stage of a relationship with you. Living together and merging lives is huge for most people and much more significant than love, sex and fun. You could argue if its not broke why fix it and maybe he felt that way, that he could happily carry on.the LDR but would not want it to change yet as it neared to living together. I married my husband last summer after two and half years living 60 miles apart. We still live 60 miles apart and will do for a little while yet. But we see each other 4-5 times a week...I love dating my husband more than I would love living with him full time at present.

I sense this might not be the end for you two, but I do think you would have to shelve living together to be with him, as he's clearly not ready yet (which is ok). If you could, would you go back to how it was?

I would not go back to how it was, no. How it was = me gradually feeling frustrated at his ambiguity & lack of desire to move the relationship forward. For him, he clearly felt overwhelmed/pressured.

If I had known how overwhelmed he was feeling in other aspects of his life, I would've shelved the conversation for a while. But I did not know because he didn't share his feelings with me until the last moment.

I asked him if he was sure about his decision 2 weeks ago and he said he was, that he needs to be alone for now and that he hopes I understand. As I plan to go NC I don't see any opportunity for reconciliation at the moment.

It's heart-breaking. I keep going to call him or I see something funny that was 'our' thing that I want to share, but I can't. I miss my best friend terribly.

Unfortunately, in my own experience and in my observations "wanting to be alone" , usually means "wanting to be with someone else", particularly when its presented as cut and dried. When it happened to me I was completely thrown by how being totally alone could be in anyway comparable to being with me who he said he loved two weeks previously. Of course he didnt mean he wanted to be alone, he meant he wanted to be free to meet someone else, but they never say that because its an awful thing to hear. I think NC in this case then is for the best

Last year he had an EA and I suggested that maybe he wasn't finished sowing his wild oats (which I was, but now I may reconsider...) and wanted to explore dating other women - he said absolutely not, you are the only person I want to date, etc, etc.

Seems I was correct after all Les

Its shit Rubes but it happens. If it makes you feel any better at all (it won't, yet) as I said earlier, if my ex had not "wanted to be on his own" I wouldnt now be happily married to an absolute treasure of a man who's perfect for me. My ex meanwhile just announced his engagement to his now girlfriend...who just happened to take over as bar manager of our local pub around the time ex needed his alone time...funny that. They are much better suited than he and I. They both spend their time in the pub and that's it 😁 whereas I genuinely feel I (got) moved on to better things. One day at a time , you'll be honestly ok and better than ever I promise.

Hi RubyN, I was on your previous thread.

He was not just a future faker, he sounds like an all round faker. It’s as if he’s got phrases and actions out of a romantic novel.

To say, “you're as close to perfect as I'll ever find in this life. Its only a matter of time before you realise you are too beautiful and too intelligent for me”...this is a bit saccharine, sickly-sweet, and there is a hidden warning there too.

People who really care about each other just care, they don’t come out with this dramatic stuff. Same with snow-brushing and hand stroking...it’s almost staged, and there is something insincere about it. When you are ending a relationship it is horrible, embarrassing: but he seemed to like making a drama out of that too.

I think he has played horribly with your feelings and messed you about quite badly. It really is going to hurt for a while, but in time you will find there are much better men out there.