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Boyfriend left me (blindsided). I am heartbroken, don't understand it.

(20 Posts)
RubyN Thu 22-Feb-18 18:36:41

Been together 2 years, LDR for 5 1/2 months with 3 months until we were in the same place again. For a period last year, I found the distance unbearable & he assured me that we could do this & we were strong. His strength really helped & I believed him.

On Monday we Skyped for an hour as usual & he talked about how excited he was for our Easter holiday that we booked a week ago. He told me how much he loved me & asked to talk again on Wed. On Tuesday night, he emailed me telling me the relationship was over, that he was 'attracted' to me but no longer felt a spark & was moving out of his place in the city to move to the countryside immediately. He said the advice of a counsellor led him to make this decision!

He said he was still in love & happy with me at Christmas/New Year which we spent with each other's families. He said he lost feelings right after & came to visit me late Jan hoping to 'rekindle' them :| During his visit I tried to initiate a conversation one evening about our future & ending the long distance, he tried to change the topic (the second time he had done this in a month). But I had to think about this because my contract and lease were up soon and I wanted to be near him again. He said me pushing him to have the conversation overwhelmed him sad

I just can't believe he has spent a month lying to me & saying he loves me, as that is when he tells me his feelings changed. By appearances NOTHING had changed - he was just as loving, devoted just as much time to calling & booked 2 holidays with me.

He also came up with a list of all the reasons we weren't compatible but they were completely made up & not reflective of the relationship we had had at all. For example: he wants to live in the countryside & said 'I know you were never happy when I took you to spend time in the country' - I loved every one of those visits and showed it/told him so at the time. During the break up talk he was rewriting every aspect of the relationship. How do I make any sense of this??

RidingWindhorses Thu 22-Feb-18 18:43:54

I reckon he's met someone else who lives in the country. He strung you both along til he made his decision.

RubyN Thu 22-Feb-18 18:52:32

RidingWindhorses - I suppose you could be right and I accept its a possibility.

But when he said 'I want to be alone' it sounded sincere. Like he was in deep pain (I have thought he seems depressed in recent months) & it was what he needed. Given that he has been working non stop & Skyping with me, and being very transparent daily about when he is spending time with friends etc...I struggle to see when he would have had the time. I need to collect my things from him next week but I don't know if it would even help me to know if he has met someone.

RubyN Thu 22-Feb-18 18:54:34

If he has met someone else, I almost blame myself. I was the one that took the job abroad for 9 months and he assured me we could both handle it. I was so miserable where I was & was handed a great opportunity/invaluable experience.

I am heartbroken to think if I had stayed we would still be together.

RidingWindhorses Thu 22-Feb-18 19:21:21

Don't blame yourself I may not be right and even if I am it's not your fault.

It's a just bit odd to randomly move to the country.

RidingWindhorses Thu 22-Feb-18 19:23:50

He may be in pain and depressed and this move is to try to alleviate that.

On the other hand he may be depressed because he's seeing two people and can't take the stress or decide between them.

Why would he need to be transparent about who he'd seen?

If he has he won't admit it. You won't know til further down the line.

Bluedoglead Thu 22-Feb-18 19:23:57

Does he think he’s Greta Garbo?

I reckon he’s met someone and you being long distance suitedhum but now he has to share up and make it real again and he doesn’t want to.

Sorry flowers but at least you know it’s over.

RubyN Thu 22-Feb-18 20:19:10

He grew up in the countryside and when I first met him he lived in the countryside. I treasured all the times spent there with him but after a while he said it was too lonely and he wanted to move to the city, where he spent much of our time as a couple. A month ago he applied for his dream job and did not get it. Now he's decided his dream job is now the one he is in (despite being miserable there recently) and is leaving the city to move back to the country closer to that current job. He's all over the place...

He actually broke down in tears saying he wanted to go home (his family home is in the country next to the sea) & therefore I spent time with him there over Christmas so he could stay recuperating as long as possible before going back to work.

I am going to see him briefly next week to get my belongings back. Do you reckon I should calmly ask if there is someone else? It might help me take the pressure/blame off myself if there is. So upsetting that he repeatedly reinforced his commitment, then simply threw me over to drown effectively.

RidingWindhorses Thu 22-Feb-18 20:31:21

I agree the country is lonely, it takes a long time to build up a new social network that's why I suspect there may be someone else involved. It would make the move so much easier.

On the other hand he may just be all over the place.

I don't think he'd be honest if there was someone else. It's something you'll find out in time.

RidingWindhorses Thu 22-Feb-18 20:33:14

So upsetting that he repeatedly reinforced his commitment, then simply threw me over to drown effectively.

I understand. Regardless of whether there's anyone else involved he was dishonest.

RubyN Thu 22-Feb-18 20:37:58

He is a people pleaser and said he didn't want to hurt me. Throughout the relationship he never brought up anything that bothered him and laid everything on me that ever had during the break up. I had no chance to fix things.

He has always liked living in the country and described enjoying the 'community' in his current place. He never mentioned any woman but he never would have. Whether he has met someone or not still doesn't take away the terrible pain and hurt I am feeling. Its still surreal having just happened 2 days ago.

RainyApril Thu 22-Feb-18 20:50:01

He wouldn't be the first person to keep a relationship going until he was absolutely certain that he wanted to end it.

You've been together quite a long time, and have made plans, and I'm sure he cares for you. He has been trying to keep things going until he was sure ending it was the right thing to do. There may be someone else, or he may just not be feeling it any more.

At least he didn't string you along any longer, or do that awful thing of keeping going until just after your holiday.

RubyN Thu 22-Feb-18 21:04:57

RainyApril there is truth in what you say I know.

But falling out of love in 3 weeks compared to a 2 year relationship? Three weeks ago he was telling me he wants not just a plan for this year, but a 5 year plan for us, etc. It's not as though he became distant over time so I could see it coming. How does that even happen?

RainyApril Thu 22-Feb-18 22:07:41

I guess it means that he was pretending for at least some of the time that you thought everything was fine. Maybe not in a malicious way, just trying hard to fix it or feel like he used to. The distance probably made it easier for him to do this.

You'll tie yourself in knots trying to second guess the reasons, and it still won't do you any good at all. I doubt he's made the decision lightly, and it sounds like he's tried to explain a little or answer your questions as far as he's able.

Anyone who's broken up with anyone will tell you that you try hard to spare their feelings, so that could be why some of his reasons don't quite add up.

I think you have to accept it : time and distraction now.

trackrBird Thu 22-Feb-18 23:01:28

That’s a very sudden switch: making holiday plans and grand 5 year plans, then suddenly it’s curtains.

I don’t think he has let you down gently, or shown much concern about your feelings here. If you’re going off the boil some distance will creep in. Some doubts. Not plans for x, y and z, then the next day it’s finished.

Dropping someone like that takes a little coldness.

Of course I don’t know what has happened. But my feeling is that he did not view the relationship in the same way you did. So don’t blame yourself for taking an opportunity and being away for a while. In my view that would not have changed anything. This day would have come anyway.

It’s going to hurt like anything for a while and you have every right to feel whatever you feel. You had plans for now, and for the future: you have to grieve about what you thought was there. You will recover though. flowers

RubyN Thu 22-Feb-18 23:17:10

That’s a very sudden switch: making holiday plans and grand 5 year plans, then suddenly it’s curtains.

Exactly how I feel trackrBird. Where you say 'If you're going off the boil some distance will creep in' - this is what I would have expected. But it wasn't the case, he was still just as loving, making plans and calling as much as ever. Just last month we were on a 10 hour road trip with not a quiet moment between us, during which time he talked about our 'kids' and the sort of role we would each play as parents. So, so sad.

The thing that made me very angry was sending me an EMAIL on a Tuesday night when I have to go into work the next day. A week today I had flights booked to see him in person & he said he just couldn't wait and face me/knew he would get tongue-tied and unable to get the words out. I wish he HAD waited so I could go and be with my family, who live close to him, immediately after. It's hard being in a foreign country without them to comfort me (although the phone is something).

RubyN Thu 22-Feb-18 23:19:14

The coldness is also what shocked me. Monday night: I love you so much and am really looking forward to our trip; Tuesday night: I will box up your stuff and you can come say goodbye sad

trackrBird Thu 22-Feb-18 23:45:08

Talking about future kids and your role as parents! shock That’s a few jumps ahead. All this behaviour has a name, I think it is ‘future faking’. Try this link (or google):

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/understanding-why-someone-fakes-a-future-with-you/

Maybe some of the material here might seem familiar to you. At least you can see that others have been in a similar, painful place.

I hope it will help you to avoid blaming yourself, and to recognise a better future awaits you, when you are ready.

RubyN Thu 22-Feb-18 23:57:23

I know. He was also talking about marriage during our last (sad) meal together which freaked me out to be honest. In relation to that article, I asked him why he said 2 months ago that he wanted to be long-term partners together as the real deal - he replied, because he meant it then.

He also said he wanted me to move in with him after we had a great trial run together, but then when I raised the topic closer to the time of it actually happening he shut down and started babbling about how it can be nice to live alone! Which is now exactly what he is going to do. He lived alone when we met and it made him miserable, so he moved in with a friend - now he's going to be alone again because he thinks that will make him happy.

The way he threw out grand sweeping statements about the future like they were candy was painting a picture of a future for me that was never going to happen. I find it really thoughtless.

Iflyaway Fri 23-Feb-18 00:04:26

I'm sorry you are going through this.

Thing is, with LDR they can spin any bullshit - got that t-shirt...

Time to pick yourself up, dust it off and become empowered within yourself instead of giving it away - to a relationship that is not happening, or a man who is not worth it.

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