Nc with siblings and Mother's Day

[chunkychopss]

How do you deal with Mother’s Day if you are nc with your siblings? Every year it seems my 2 sisters plan a nice day out with my mum and if I question it my mum says it’s not her fault they take her out every year. I have asked to spend the day with her before but they plan things so far in advance ie 11 months before that I don’t really have a chance.
I am pretty sure my mum prefers to go out with two of her daughters instead of one (me) as well. The last 5 years my mum has spent every birthday, Christmas and Mother’s Day with them. It hurts but I think this year I will just spend time with my own family and get on with it.

Your mother has played a large role in creating your family of origin's dysfunctional dynamic. It sounds like your role here in this family of origin anyway is one of scapegoat with your sisters being more favoured.

I would simply spend time with your own family unit instead. You do not owe your mother a relationship either.

Why would you want to spend it with your mother? If you have kids make the day all about you. Once you have your own kids it’s about you/them anyway. Your mother is encouraging this and knows it hurts you. Honestly see it as a win that you don’t have to spend time with her on mother’s day!

We have a sister who went NC with us after a bad marriage and we told her some things we had learnt about her husband. I sent it as a win that it mother wants to spend mother’s day with her as it frees us up.

Yes she does have a part to play. I’ve also noticed how the week before each occasion she stops contacting me. We normally speak everyday but she stops all contact with me a few days before. She hasn’t spoken to me since Friday. She also refuses to take calls from me when she’s with them. It can get so awkward.

Can't you just spend it with your kids if you have any? I never spend Mother's Day with my mum as my brother always takes her out.

Well I agree blubber and it is fine that they provide a day out for her. I just wondered what other people do who are nc because I feel so awkward mainly. When people ask if I see my mum I don’t really know what to say. Or worse when people say they’ve seen my mum and the other two out for a meal.
It’s probably just anxiety around the whole thing but it’s on Sunday and I’m already feeling crap that my mum has stopped communicating with me simply because she doesn’t want to tell me she is going out with them on Sunday even though it’s pretty obvious now.

Does it have to be mother days why not another day? Look at it from her POV she had her dds who are nc with each other? Two of her dd have already made arrangements with her it’s not her fault you all don’t get on. Why can’t you both go out the week before or after?

Out of interest why are you nc with both sisters?

You know what, it's just a day. Don't make it more than it is. I mean that sympathetically, and I've got my own Mother's Day issues as my Mum died when my children were babies, and it reminds me of that. The trouble it with these flipping days is that they make everyone - the woman who can't have kids, the bereaved woman, the woman with family issues - feel inadequate. Resist that being imposed on you.

If you'd like to see your Mum, just turn it into - 'Oh, I know you go out with my sisters on that day, so why don't we do XYZ in a couple of weeks?' There's so much strength in being the bigger person xx

So I suppose maybe I started this thread wrong, I was interested to see what other people who are nc with their siblings do for Mother’s Day. Perhaps nothing!

I don’t have to decide what I do as it’s decided for me by my mum agreeing to see them every year. And yes I do do things on another day sometimes but I can’t help but think my mum knows that’s going to happen so it’s easier for her to decide to put me last every year.

Crazyhead I’m sorry for your loss and thank you for putting things in perspective.

Most people don’t particularly make an big thing about Mother’s Day especially if they have a family of them. I do feel sorry for your dm though she can’t do right for wrong it’s not her fault your nc with your two sisters.

I see it as spending 5 years in a row with the same two out of three daughters as wrong but it’s interesting to hear other people’s perspectives. Now that I have dc I find it odd that my mum would always answer to the other two and allow me to only have a different day, not just for Mother’s Day but for birthdays and Christmas too.
We fell out because of something that happened when I’d just given birth to my dc and her bf kept messaging me long nasty texts and I said to stay out of it so she took his side and that was that. No matter how many times we tried to reconcile he got involved so I gave up and then out of the blue three years after that happened my other sister said she won’t be talking to me either if I didn’t make amends with sis 1. After 3 years of counselling I’ve accepted I am happier being nc with them. I am not so happy with my mum spending every occasion with them but this thread is saying perhaps I should have some sympathy with her.
FWIW I did ask my mum to sit with all three of us originally to help us sort it out but my mum agreed with some pp on here as it wasn’t her problem to sort out.

Yes it is bloody wrong.

Why are you letting her treat you like this?

Here's an idea. When she picks you back up again after Sunday is safely over and texts/calls as if it's aaallll back to normal- don't reply. At all. And then when she panics and asks what she wrong, text back - 'Sorry. Looks like it just stopped being easier for you to put me last, I guess. I'll get in touch when I'm ready.'

And then let her stew.

Nasty coward.

I don't mind not seeing my mum for Mother's Day but then we are not particularly close. I prefer to do something with my own kids.

It wasn't your mother's place to sort it out, but that doesn't mean she should always put you behind them.

I'm NC with my sibling and this sort of crap is why I don't bother. Even before we went NC my sister would make grand offers so my parents would be with her rather than spend time with me, only to drop out at the last moment. I stupidly kept jumping at the scraps but stopped after I had my own DC. My relationship with my parents is now very very LC as they've shown their true colours since I've stopped dancing to their tune. The disfunctional relationship between my sister and I is totally down to them, but too far gone to salvage.

I have my own days with my little family and sometimes ILS. My ILS are their own sort of special but they will split their time between their children and are totally rightfully too unapologetic about it.

Thanks.
I think some pp are correct here in saying I need to change my actions.
I don’t want to be in contact with my siblings but I don’t feel like I should be left to compete for my mum on special occasions every year. It would be different if in the last 5 years I was able to see my mum on her birthday/Christmas/Mother’s Day every couple of years but as it’s not going to change I need to.

I wondered what others in this situation do in the hope perhaps some people have dm who agrees one year on one year off with them and I could suggest that going forward but in the end I suppose I have to accept that’s probably not going to happen in my case.

It’s not up to your dm to sort this out no and low level contact with brother and Sil and sometimes I feel my dm doesn’t respect my choices due to certain behaviour for him and his dw.

Have you asked her in advance if she wants to come round for Christmas? Is there more to the backstory just I find it strange how your other sister went nc also?

It's not your mum's problem if you don't get on with your siblings. It's unfair to make her choose.

I wondered what others in this situation do

I would say that they probably do two things.

• They stand back from it and work out that actually, their mum is no better friend to them - and certainly no support - than the siblings. So they stop caring, and either go NC or lower contact with their mum, and spend Mother's Day (and indeed all important days) with the family that DO love and care for them. Far more emotionally healthy. - don't run round looking for scraps from someone treating you like shit.

• If they are a more aggressive, competitive type - they go apeshit. They make sure that it's just as much of a ballache for their mum to ignore them as it is to not dance to the siblings' tune. They DON'T allow their mum to get away with this - they make sure there are consequences. It's my turn next birthday/MD/Xmas - and if you put X and X first, you can fuck off and forget about seeing me or my kids again. Then Mum is actually forced to choose. Bit of a hollow victory - who'd want to fight to have someone spend time with you if she's only doing it to keep the peace?

Your mum is putting herself first actually - not your siblings. It's too hard to defend you. She can't be arsed with gettign involved, even if it means helping you (or indeed, helping all her children). So she takes the easiest path and throws your feelings to the wolves, as it's easier for her to do that than face two angry daughters on the other side. Fuck how you feel. Look at it that way - and if you can, employ approach 1.

You can be pretty sure by the way that your clearly more aggressive, needy sisters are employing type 2 tactics. Your Mum knows that while she could never tell them it's your turn this year without WW3, she can (hopefully, again) shit on you and you'll still come when she calls. Again, take option 1. Stop being that easy to shit on.

Walk away.

Actually fizzy I agree with your post.
I’m not making my mum choose anything. If I had that power, she’d spend one year with me. She doesn’t make a choice, she just goes with them because they book something first (or at least that’s her version of it when I’ve asked her)

I have asked every year. One year I asked in January re the next Christmas and apparently she’d already agreed on Boxing Day just gone to spend next year with them.

It’s good to hear different options though as when I posted this I thought my mum wasn’t right spending year after year with two out of her three dd when perhaps she is in line with some pp thinking on here that it’s not her problem and she shouldn’t have to choose so she’s ok to go with the same two dd every year and the third dd can just stick it and choose a different day.

My DSis and I are virtually NC with our brother because of reasons connected with our childhood SA, and he has serious MH issues. My DM sees him separately from us. It has to be like that anyway because we have young DCs and he can't be trusted around them, as he gets aggressive and shouty when agitated.

The only way is to arrange to see DM separately from him. She's not too bothered about Mother's Day, so that doesn't come into it. At Christmas there's time to arrange separate visits to him.

It's all about communication and compromise, but unfortunately it doesn't seem to be happening with your family, which is the problem. That's very hard.

Do you know how your mum sees the nc situation between you and your siblings? I was just wondering if she saw this as you being unreasonable?

I know that if I felt that one of my dc was being unreasonable in having nc with their siblings, I would prioritise seeing the siblings and tell the other dc that they could join us if they wished. I wouldn't pander to one of my children who I felt was being unreasonable (and therefore putting me in an awkward situation) by going nc. They'd have a choice - if you want to join us on family occasions you need to be civil to your siblings, otherwise I will see you on a diffferent occasion.

I'm not saying you are being unreasonable by going nc by the way. Just maybe that's how your mum sees it.

I wouldn’t mind if I was invited but I’m not, my mum says it’s not her place to invite me. My mum will only mention seeing them on these days if I ‘find out’ or ask if she wants to go out with me and she says she can’t make it. She stops contact with me about a week before because she doesn’t want to say no to my face.

She has agreed with why nc and (at least to my face) told me it’s stupid what my other sister has now said. But she continues to act this way. I think the no confrontation thing is true, they would definitely get more annoyed than I am if my mum didn’t go with their plans. Also in the first years of nc they used to have extravagant days out and more recently since I’ve given up the days out have got less extravagant. Last year my mum even lied to me about not going out for her birthday with them. One day she asked me to find a picture of something on her phone (she’s not so good with new phone) and I saw loads of photos of her out for her birthday with them.

Sounds like she’s struggling with the nc and that’s why she’s not telling you about meeting up with them. Tbh you have decided to go nc with them so utilmately you have put your mother in an awkward situation. You cannot go nc but expect to be invited out with them. Do you want a relationship with your sisters?

So say now Before mothers day that you want to see her next year. Dont let her get out of it. Say what you said on this thread. Be honest. Say yiu are fed up with situation where youve been frozen out by your sisters and shes going along with it.

Personally i think it is wrong that she puts the other two first. Its tempting to say go NC with her too but you value the relationship too much.

Is she ok in other ways? Or do you always do all the legwork?

Your mother puts you last in her list of priorities. Whatever the reason of your nc with your siblings and regardless whether she agrees with it or not, she’s not treating all of you the same. She doesn’t care about hurting you and you are basically at the bottom of her list. I will not even bother contacting her and when she contacts you after this Sunday, I will basically not be in a hurry to answer