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Original poster

What is important in a relationship?

27 replies

youngergirl · 05/03/2018 18:00

Hi everyone!

I'm 24 and not a mum at all, but looking for some completely objective advice from people with a little more life experience.

I have been in a relationship with a wonderful guy for about six years. In many ways, we have what might be perceived from the outside as a "perfect" relationship - he's very good looking, smart and successful, we have everything in common, trust each other completely and have a lot of fun together. We even survived 4 years of long distance without breaking a sweat.

HOWEVER: we took a small break last year, and I had a fling with another guy. I was shocked by how much I enjoyed sex with him. I had never LOVED sex with my long-term boyfriend but often assumed it was something to do with my body/a low sex drive. I now know this wasn't the case at all and suspect that he and I simply aren't very sexually compatible. I definitely think he is very goodlooking and he is generous and gentle in bed BUT i just don't feel turned on by him.

My question to mumsnetters is: is sex important enough to justify throwing away an otherwise perfect relationship?? I trust him completely and feel he understands me in a way no one else does. I see so many other adult relationships ending in disaster and wonder if I would painfully regret losing him. On the other hand, sex is important to me and it seems sad to lose that part of myself. What should I do??

OP posts:
category12 · 05/03/2018 18:07
  1. Can't be that perfect if you needed to take a break.
  1. Sex is important, yes. I wouldn't settle for dull sex for the rest of my life.

Have you tried spicing things up/experimenting together - or do you just not feel turned on/passionate about him in that way and there's nothing he could do to inspire that? If the latter, I think he'd make a better friend than partner.

QuiteLikely5 · 05/03/2018 18:11

There is no such thing as the perfect marriage.

You’ll always have to compromise somewhere.

In all honestly if you’ve got a low sexy drive anyway does it matter how amazing the sexy is

Sullabylullaby · 05/03/2018 18:17

She doesn't have a low sex drive, she just has a low sex drive with him.

I personally think it's indicative of other things wrong in a relationship, as it was in my case, but you say theoretically you've a perfect relationship, so I don't know.

HipsterAssassin · 05/03/2018 18:21

Why did you take a break?

demirose87 · 05/03/2018 18:29

Sex is important. I think if you're attracted to your partner and in love then sex is usually satisfying. It's not the main thing in a relationship but if you're enjoying sex with another guy but not your partner then it's a sign something is missing and all is not as it should be.
Secondly it's not all about how good looking someone might be. You also need trust, have similar outlook on life, similar sense of humour and things in common to be a long term partnership. You need to be able to communicate with your partner and talk about any issues that arise.

Original poster
youngergirl · 08/03/2018 09:06

We took a break because he moved to New York for 6 months and we couldn’t be afford to see each other, so although we were VERY tentative, it seemed like a good time to explore seeing other people. He ended up hating it, I ended up liking it a lot more than I expected.

OP posts:
Original poster
youngergirl · 08/03/2018 09:08

Demirose I totally agree with you about needing so much more than looks but that is kind of my point! We DO have all those things you listed - the only thing we don’t have (from my side) is sexual chemistry? So should I just sacrifice a satisfying sex life knowing that finding all those other things is rare????

OP posts:
ClickHip · 08/03/2018 09:20

Sex is important. Throughout my married life I was underwhelmed. I think it was indicative of how things were outside of the bedroom.

Divorced now. 5 years on. Have a loving and respectful relationship with lots of mutual consideration and care. And a brilliant sex life.

I believe if things are genuinely good out of bed they will be good in bed.

(Sometimes it can be hard to admit things are going as well as you tell yourself. )

thiswas · 08/03/2018 09:22

You are 24 and been six years together.

So this means you have started dating at 18.

Your life expectancy is about 85. Ready to spend 60 years with the same person?

PossiblySmile

ClickHip · 08/03/2018 09:23

Things are not going as well as you tell yourself. Sorry about that!

For me, lack of sexual chemistry = male friend.

Not sustainable in the long term. Accept your needs sexually and don't apologise for them. They are part of who you are Flowers

HipsterAssassin · 08/03/2018 09:40

You’re still so young! Six years is great but maybe now it’s time to move on to pastures new, discover more about yourself.

Don’t consign yourself to sixty years of not being turned on. That’s such a long time.

Honestly. He is NOT the one. At some point maybe when things are different with kids, drudgery, it will be a deal breaker.

I would say this relationship is comfy and familiar but nothing more.

Time to move on.

Minus2 · 08/03/2018 09:43

It’s not going to get better just worse.

Babdoc · 08/03/2018 09:53

I agree with the PPs. If there’s no sexual chemistry, he’s just a friend.
You got together very young, and presumably with little experience of other men to compare him with.
I had a similar thing - first relationship with lovely, kind, attractive boy from school, we even contemplated marriage. But at uni I met my future husband. He was shuffling about in a tatty old parka, hair down to his shoulders, ugly NHS specs- but he was the absolute love of my life, the chemistry was amazing, the sex ditto, he was an utterly loving and supportive soulmate, and we had 16 wonderful years together until his untimely death at the age of 36.
Please don’t settle for an affectionate brother. There is someone more suitable out there. At the very least, your fling has shown you you’re not ready to settle down just yet.

demirose87 · 08/03/2018 10:01

If you don't fancy him then it isn't going to work. You need more than just sexual attraction, but you also need that too. I've been in a relationship where I wasn't attracted and I became incredibly frustrated and unfulfilled. I've got a partner now who I really am attracted to and it's so much better. I think you're best off ending it and finding someone else.

demirose87 · 08/03/2018 10:09

What I meant by the looks thing was, he can be the most good looking guy but you might not click sexually. Or he may be an average guy but you might fancy the pants off him and have amazing chemistry.
My man is probably not to everyone's taste but to me he's the sexiest man alive. So looks don't matter in that sense as long as YOU find him attractive.

Djnoun · 08/03/2018 11:58

Before I even read your post, my immediate answer was going to be sex.

cakecakecheese · 08/03/2018 13:04

When I was your age I had relationships with lovely guys who were fun to be with etc but there wasn't a massive sexual attraction and also some flings that were all about the sexual attraction but not so much the feelings.

However it turns out you can actually have both! I can totally understand how you don't want to throw away a really good guy but I think there is more out there for you than what you have now.

NotTakenUsername · 08/03/2018 13:19

Why did you split up with the man who you had great chemistry with? Was it because the 6 months where up, or another reason?

NotTakenUsername · 08/03/2018 13:20

were

Original poster
youngergirl · 12/03/2018 10:11

Thanks so much everyone for your thoughts, this has been super helpful! Especially to hear from other people who've been frustrated in a relationship with someone they're not attracted too.

Sometimes you hear so much about relationships where one/both partners have lost interest in sex and I'd started to worry that that happens in all relationships eventually... so it's really good to hear that's not the case at all, and makes me think it would defs be a big deal to settle for less attraction.

OP posts:
Original poster
youngergirl · 12/03/2018 10:13

NotTakenUsername (great name btw) - it was complicated... I really fell for the fling guy and as a result was reconsidering whether I wanted the break with my boyfriend to be permanent... but then the fling guy slept with someone else. I was really upset because we had agreed for now not to see other people. After we ended things my boyfriend moved back from the US and we got close again.

OP posts:
Original poster
youngergirl · 12/03/2018 10:16

One last question.

cakecakecheese - I guess you answered the question I was REALLY wondering about when you said "it turns out you CAN actually have both". Do you think lots of people have achieved this or do you think it's quite rare?

OP posts:
snewsname · 12/03/2018 10:19

Not rtft but my instinct is respect, shared values and and an actual liking of being inn each other's company.

snewsname · 12/03/2018 10:27

Ok now I've read the thread, I think at the age of 24 you shouldn't be settling for just ok. It's time to have fun. When you are older then different things may become a priority but at your age you should be looking for the total package.
Well done for kicking the cheating bf into touch though. It's important not to get your excitement from a bad boy. There does lie the road to unhappiness.

MiniTheMinx · 12/03/2018 10:49

is it quite rare

I don't know. I only know it took me 40 years to find both in the same person.

One would assume that if you find someone sexually attractive that you are more likely to have good sex. One would think that you find good looks and sexual attraction to be linked. Further to that if you find compatibility in every respect with someone you find sexually attractive you would assume that it follows logically that sex would be good. It's obviously more complicated!

Is it rare? Yes I think it probably is. Should you settle? That's up to you, but in all likelihood you won't settle forever. Forever tends to happen when you have found this very rare thing. Life is long, you don't need to panic.

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