Big girl pants and Tinder Dates

[SillySausage1234]

Hi

How can I get over the nerve wracking thought of actually going out and meeting some of these guys that I match with on tinder.

A couple messages a sent back and forth and then they just jump straight in with meeting up for a drink and it fills me with fear.

I tend to make my pathetic excuses about why I can’t this week but deep down I know I’m going to have to get over this worry because it seems a lot of people are meeting this way now. Not that I’m blaming my mum but she has put things in my head after reading the awful stories you hear in the paper, but that could happen anyway.

It’s not that I don’t want to go, I do, I want to meet more people and widen my social circle and if you think about it then meeting someone in a bar is no different or less risky really.

Prob just add that I was in a long term relationship which ended a couple years ago, dated guys since but nothing serious, all my close mates are coupled up or married so night outs are rare. I’m loosing the enthusiasm in meeting Someone on the off chance and my closest mates all encourage me to try tinder...

Some tinder stories would be great just so I know I’m not on my own thinking like this.... maybe I am, that’s the issue?!?

Most people do want to meet up relatively quickly so they can see if there's any real life chemistry and whether you get on, and I think that's the best way, to be honest, wastes less time. But if you're not comfortable meeting until you've exchanged more messages or talked on the phone, that's fine - say you'd prefer to take things a little more slowly, and don't be afraid to say that you're new to OLD and want some time to get your bearings.

As to perceived risks - just be sensible. I'm a wholly subscribed member to the view that most people are decent people and aren't out to do you harm. I've used OLD (albeit not Tinder) for dating and hooking up for several years on and off and have never been dispossessed of this view (and I am a relative risk-taker, too.) Have never had a bad first date or met anyone who wasn't generally decent, if not what I was looking for. I'm pretty discerning about who I meet up with and block anyone who says something that I find crude or overly familiar or starts on the sexy talk before we've even met. You just need your self-esteem and your wits about you, and to listen to your intuition: if somebody seems a bit creepy or odd then they probably are, and you don't owe them a date simply because you feel flattered that they've shown an interest in you or whatever.

Thank you, the dating and social scene has changed so much and I’ve just got to get my head around it all .

Some of the guys I match with seem genuinely nice guys, it’s just my confidence levels that need to get over the supposed stigma ( even if it exists anymore) of online dating.

What are you worried about? What has your mum read in the paper? Them luring you into a back alley and strangling you or something? Like you say, could happen on any kind of blind date.

Just make sure that they don't know your name and address, meet up somewhere neutral with lots of people around, and be prepared for what you'll say if they offer you a lift home or suggest a walk down a dark alley!

meeting someone 'off the internet' is safer than getting chatted up in a bar, imho as there is a 'paper trail' and record of who they are, their IP etc and probably a social media trail so you can judge if it is a genuine person with a good set of friends and family

also, a lot of bars have a system where the bar staff will help if your date is not going well and you want to escape, see if you can research beforehand and meet

always only meet for 30 to 60 mins initially, then even if they are terrible in real life you haven't committed to long and can leave with no awkwardness. Have a reason to go as well (appointment of some sort) and make sure a couple of friends know where you are going. Don't think of it as a date at this point, it's a little friendly meet to see if you both fancy an actual date at some point. It functions on many levels, saving awkwardness if they are 20 years older than their pics and smell like brie, and if you DO have chemistry then it adds some nice rapport and the real life build up/anticipation that is missing with online dating.

all of the above wouldn't be happening if you got chatted up on a night out so don't listen to those terrified of what they don't understand and have never thought through in detail and never had these realisations

Positive story right here

Spoke to my now DH on Tinder for around a month, arranged a date, been together ever since - it will be four years this year and we married last Summer.

Get those big girl pants on, deep breath and get out there! My advice, treat the date a night out, not a date. Try to be chilled have fun, talk about yourself, ask about them and enjoy it as a standalone social occasion. Even if he's horrendous, you've not lost anything you can cut it short and be out of there, no problem. Just be brave.

😊😊😊😊😊

I know lots of MN'rs think Tinder is fully of sleazy guys wanting hook ups - well my dh is fricking lovely and gorgeous too, so yeh, don't buy into the negativity , dont take it too seriously and enjoy 😊

Smells of Brie 😂😂

Ahh thanks guys, a little encouragement goes along way.

I think it’s my own judgement that I lack confidence in...

I spoke with my DH for around 6 weeks on PoF before we met - I didn’t want to go through the hassle of an actual date unless we connected on key things. Here we are almost four years later, married.

Tinder's not so popular in the country where I live but there's a wide range of different online dating sites. The ones I've tried have all had a range of men, from the "just fancy a shag" to the "looking for a wife" types. The anonymity of online dating means that they can be pretty honest about what they want. More honest than in real life. The honesty could potentially make it look sleazy, but actually it's very useful. No faffing about trying to work out what they really want.

You could walk down the street and be raped, assaulted or even killed. There’s a minute risk every time you leave the house and I don’t think going on a date with someone from the web increases this. They are 99% of the time (at a guess ) just ‘normal’ every day folk like you are, not serial killers or rapists on the prowl for victims. You would have to be seriously unlucky for that to happen.

Just thought I’d add my experience of Tinder. I found myself unexpectedly single at the age of 56 ( husband had been hooking up with escorts). As a 2 fingered salute to my ex I decided to dip my toe into Tinderland.
In the last 9 months I must’ve been on dates with ten different men. As previous posters have said I weeded out ones that did any kind of sexy talk even if it was about kissing, cuddling or being “tactile “. I had a lovely time with all of them, great company and conversation. One ghosted me after the date but all the others asked for a second date. Unfortunately, I felt no chemistry for any of them so I’m still on and off Tinder.
I was extremely nervous on my first couple of dates but my confidence grew each time. You’ll be fine OP.

Hey hun, I've been single a year and used Tinder off and on in that time. I would say 90% of the guys on there are morons/after one thing. You really have to filter out and find the decent ones. To me, if anyone pressured me into meeting up quick, or didn't want to get to know me because they "don't want a pen pal", then that completely put me off. I want to get to know someone before I meet them, and that may mean lots of chat. If a guy is willing to chat and get to know you without pressuring you to meet up. They might ask about meeting, but you can say 'id like to get to know you a bit more first, as I'm not used to meeting strangers so quickly' - which is totally understandable.
I have been dating the nicest guy off Tinder for the last few months. We messaged quite a bit, and the conversation was great and he asked lots about me - no sex chat, or flirty messages - and so in the end I asked to meet him the following weekend. It was only because he didn't put any pressure on me to meet up, that I felt happy to do it quickly.

Best advice I can give you is go with your gut on every guy on there. Be ruthless, if someone starts being too much for you just unmatch them. Also, don't get your hopes up with anyone, and try and take each guy with a pinch of salt. Before the guy I'm dating now I had met up with two others, both whom I thought were nice guys - both asked me on the first date to have sex with them. So, sometimes you just don't know until you meet someone in person.

Hi SillySausage - I feel the same. Been single 18 months now and feel at some point it’s be nice to go on a date - but I’m not even at the stage yet of even getting myself OLD - probably be 5 years before I gear myself up . Go for it - I’m sure you’ll have fun. Then you can come back, tell us, and I might be tempted to try too....

The best thing is to not take it seriously, don't go with your heart set on some idea you've conjured up.... tinder dates are as breezy and easy as can be, one drink, done. Disappear into the night and take it from date 2, if applicable. Honestly, meet as many people as you can, don't get into weeks of texting it's totally pointless. Jus5 have a drink, no big deal.

I met a guy on POF 5 months ago now. Spoke for a week and liked him (he could spell and didn't ask me for rude photos which helped). I was absolutely shitting myself that night, first date in 17 years. Arranged to meet in a local bar which I knew would be relatively busy. He's a keeper so far and thought my nerves were charming! Have a drink first, deep breath and go for it you never know who you might meet

The best advice is don’t drink too much. Keep your senses. Don’t get pissed and you will make better decisions.

BT whilst I fully endorse that, I have to say DH and I got absolutely hammered together on our first date and slept together, woke up together with banging hangovers and been together ever since. So in short,,did everything that MN frowns on and yet here we are, happy and married. Its so random, you just have to play it by ear 😊

I don't think MN frowns on drinking lots on a first date, as if it was morally questionable. More that it's really not a good idea to put yourself in a vulnerable position with a man that you don't know at all. Sure, most men are not murderers or rapists, and you're statistically unlikely to be found the next day in a ditch, but why risk it at all?

I've been on about 6 tinder dates in the last two months and have not had any bad experiences. I echo everything Comtesse said. I felt no romantic connection with 5 of them but they were decent guys. The sixth one I've just had to knock things on the head after the third date, but he was a decent guy as well - my reason for knocking on the head would have been the same even if we had met IRL.

You could start off by dipping your toe in and see if any of the dates would do lunch or coffee rather than drinks/dinner?

But as long as you stick to public places and let people know where you're going you'll be fine. Once you've done the first one I'm sure it'll get easier.

Or you could try one of those Match.com singles nights if there's any near you, as it's a group so might be a bit less intimidating.

I've had a couple of periods of dating, and in both cases I went on 3 dates within a week or so, and liked one of the three. So two out of six dates went further. None of them sent me anything sexual (not really my thing), they were all polite and pleasant. The first man I had a relationship with was fun to be with but I couldn't trust him, he made promises he had no intention of keeping. But not a threat in any way.

The second man is not an obvious "catch" but turns out to be good fun, considerate, good in bed, a sociable type with lots of friends, good cook, doesn't think he's perfect, puts effort into the relationship - comes up with ideas for things we can do. Probably one of the men that some women would dismiss as not attractive enough from his photo - but in real life his looks are accompanied by a personality and a presence that are far more interesting. Worth meeting up with people who seem interesting but don't have an inspiring photo. Also worth finding out if they are dyslexic before you dismiss them for spelling errors :)

I dip in and out of tinderland and haven't had any bad experiences, I was nervous as hell on my first date from it and there wasn't a 2nd. I tend not to drink alcohol on a first date even if in a bar setting, I take my car so I definetely cant be persuaded to drink.

Coffee dates and walks are a good first step. I find I prefer to be walking around if I'm nervous or I start destroying stuff within reach.

I don't get nervous now when going on dates, most guys are nice that I date and I never meet up with anyone who alludes to sex before even meeting even if I am looking for a good time.

You kind of have to bite the bullet op and get past the initial nerves but don't rush into a date, agree to one you actually have enjoyed chatting with.

I have been on tinder since Dec (on and off). i have spoken to lots of nice people, had to block a couple and only 2 have developed into dates. Both nice guys, one I am still in contact with but we both agreed no chemistry, the other I will meet again hopefully.

Take it with an open mind, I do think it helps you narrow down a little bit what you are really looking for. Go and have some fun and just be sensible.

PS. Come to the dating thread ;)

I'm the same. Been single for 3yrs, been dipping in and out of OLD but never got as far as a date, but don't think I was actually ready for a relationship. I'm a bit more serious now and really feel ready to meet someone, but I'm dreading that '1st date'
I think I'd probably want to chat to someone for at least a few weeks first and maybe speak to them on the phone.

I met my current partner on Tinder (in my 50s). I did a fair bit of filtering first but he was my only date through Tinder. We've been together nine months now. We met first for a coffee in the afternoon and I had an excuse to leave after an hour or so. I must admit it was a little like an interview (both of us asking questions) but the next date was a little more relaxed. I'm not a very confident person and I must say I went on the date not caring that much if it worked out or not so I didn't make too much effort (didn't bother changing from my work clothes and didn't really put any make up on).