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Original poster

Is DH playing games?

58 replies

Allthesadness · 05/03/2018 09:19

DH announced a month ago that he wasn't sure about our relationship anymore and wasn't happy with all the arguments. I was devastated as I have loved this man for 15 years and we have two gorgeous DC.

It has really shook me to the core and although he has said that he's not talking about leaving, I'm not so sure and have gone into panic mode. I have completely backed off anything that might cause even the smallest disagreement, I have taken over all of the household chores and anything to do with the children, told him to go and relax, told him to go on nights out more frequently, started arranging a child-free weekend away for us as a surprise, etc

However, I feel like the more I'm panicking, the more he is acting cold towards me and has withdrawn affection unless I ask for it. Last night we were having a cuddle and chat in bed and he sat there so stoney-faced. I tried to cheer him up and at one point initiated sex, to which he said he didn't want to (which never happens) because I'd turned him down in the past.

On Saturday, I played it cool - was friendly but only spoke to him when spoken to and was busying myself with some tasks I'd been meaning to do for a while. It was quite noticeable that the mood changed and he started popping up all the time asking if i was ok.

I feel like he is playing games and because I'm making such a big deal out of this and panicking, he's doing it even more. Before anyone asks, yes, we have talked about this many times (daily) and it seems the more i tell him it upsets me, and break down crying the more pissed off he gets.

What do i do? Help!

OP posts:
AthenasOwl · 05/03/2018 09:25

Hi op I'm just wondering if he's done things like before, is he usually passive aggressive or controlling?
It sounds like he enjoys the fact that you're jumping through hoops doing things to make him happy, but then he starts to panic when you back off. It's very controlling behaviour, for example now you won't even raise legitimate relationship concerns for fear of an argument. That's not on.
If it's out of the blue I would start doing some digging into what's going on with him.

Joysmum · 05/03/2018 09:25

You’re overcompensating.

If this relationship isn’t good enough for him as a fair one then just think what example you are setting for your kids, as well as being a mug to yourself.

He won’t respect you for it and you’ll lose yourself in the process.

Original poster
Allthesadness · 05/03/2018 09:34

AthenasOwl It was out of the blue but I think he raised it and I panicked. If i had played it cool and not done all this i think it would have all gone away by now Sad

OP posts:
lils888 · 05/03/2018 09:40

He now knows how desperate you are to keep him, and that gives him power which he is either intentionally or unintentionally using.

You don't need to pander to him. With him or without him, you'll live.

Offred · 05/03/2018 09:42

Though I am obviously not saying this IS the case for you, please be aware that this kind of announcement is often made when someone is having an affair.

I think you could do with finding some assertive anger here. He doesn’t get to announce he’s ‘not sure’ about the relationship but he’s not leaving. How would you feel about saying ‘I can’t live like this so I am only prepared to continue this relationship if I am sure you actually want to be in it, which I am not at all anymore, we need to separate so we can each think about what we want’

SandyY2K · 05/03/2018 09:42

Have you thought about marriage counselling?

I think its nit do much playing games...but he got scared when you backed off ...in case you decide you've had enough.

Don't take on all the chores..it you'll be run ragged and become resentful.

SomeKnobend · 05/03/2018 09:42

I don't know about games, but he's being a real cunt. I'd suspect an ow with this behaviour.

SandyY2K · 05/03/2018 09:43

Typo

I think its NOT SO much...

Aprilmightmemynewname · 05/03/2018 09:45

Beware ow in the wings. He is playing you off against her you just don't know it. Who treats him best wins.

numptynuts · 05/03/2018 09:53

Sounds like push-pull to me.

Original poster
Allthesadness · 05/03/2018 09:53

So what should i do? Should i just play it cool, back off and resume normal life?

OP posts:
numptynuts · 05/03/2018 09:54

Sorry replied too soon. Him doing the push pulling. Mind games.

numptynuts · 05/03/2018 09:55

Yes. Play it cool, don't get stressed by trying to get affection from him. Anything else he does?

hellsbellsmelons · 05/03/2018 10:00

Oh no OP!
Please stop doing the 'pick me' dance.
He threw a grenade into your relationship and YOU are having to do all the work to keep him.
He's no prize.
He has another woman and to keep you, HE should be grovelling and doing everything to win YOU back.
Stop doing all of this.
He has no respect for you at all.
It's time now he do his own washing, cooking, cleaning etc.....
And of course, his fair share of child care.
Stop demeaning yourself - harsh I know but it's obvious and true!
You've allowed him carte blanche to go out and continue his affair with YOUR permission.
Madness.
Stop doing this to yourself.
Show your children than you are strong and independent and that we do not need a man. We do not have to become someones slave in order to KEEP them!
Show them that everyone deserves respect and that starts with YOU!

AthenasOwl · 05/03/2018 10:00

Personally I would back off and start watching his behaviour. Id probably call his bluff and say since he's not 100% sure of the relationship I don't want to be with someone who's not fully committed and he should leave...make the decision for him and take some of the control back.
His reaction and actions afterwards will tell you everything.

hellsbellsmelons · 05/03/2018 10:02

Hell no!
Don't play it cool.
Pack him a bag and tell him to fuck off to OW and you'll be in touch regarding maintenance etc....
He'll deny and back pedal.
If he does deny it all then ask to see his phone right there and then.
His response to that will tell you all you need to know!

Hellsbellscockleshells · 05/03/2018 10:03

I think you need to be yourself. One way or another what ever the cause he is taking the Mickey out of you and you are letting encouraging him to do this.
Go back to the usual division of labour in your household, don’t encourage him to go out on his own. Some couple time away from the kids I.e a night out might help but remember you can lead a horse to water but can’t make it drink.
He may or may not be having an affair or he maybe in a small dip or he maybe selfish or immature you can’t second guess him. Be yourself don’t go over the top and hopefully things will improve if not you maybe be better off without him and it might be better finding this out sooner rather than later. Good luck and take care you deserve better.

Firstworlddramas · 05/03/2018 10:04

Talk to him about the practicalities of separation, go through what would actually happen, who'd love where/ pay what exactly

If he responds with panic then talk to him about how you make this better together, not what do I need to do etc just together,

If he wants to go through those details about splitting then you know he is wanting out and at least you then know the practicalities

I suspect if he thinks you are serious and ready to control you and your life then he might have the shake up it sounds like he needs

Prettylovely · 05/03/2018 10:07

He doesnt sound very nice, Dont jump through hoops for him.

Offred · 05/03/2018 10:11

Oh god I wouldn’t be dramatically calling out OW or ‘playing it cool’ or explaining details of what separation looks like as though I’m his mother.

IMO it’s about you responding to the bomb of ‘I’m not sure about us’... Actually taking on investigating why this is or trying to fix it while he is cold and sulks around is going to destroy your soul and is unnecessary because fundamentally the issue at the heart of it really is that it’s not good enough to expect you to want to be with him when he is ‘not sure’.

You deserve more respect than that. If he thought his ‘not sure’ feelings were important enough to tell you then he can’t be surprised if you take that expression of feelings seriously and decide you don’t want to live under the guillotine of ‘not sure’ every day and that he needs to go away and decide one way or another.

Original poster
Allthesadness · 05/03/2018 10:14

Just to make it clear...there is no OW. He's just thinking the grass is greener and he can go and be responsibility free and sit on his phone, doing what he wants all day. He doesn't seem to understand that he will leave himself completely alone, no friends, his parents he doesn't get along with, and no one else. i shudder to think why he thinks that is the better option to family life with me and the DC.

OP posts:
Offred · 05/03/2018 10:16

🙄

letsdolunch321 · 05/03/2018 10:16

I agree with other posters who say “pack him a bag and tell him to go, you’ll be in touch etc”

Offred · 05/03/2018 10:16

That was at him BTW! I imagine it is because he is a selfish lazy manchild

Offred · 05/03/2018 10:18

Let him realise what it is like not being in the family.

He may end up being one of those who just doesn’t want to bother with his kids after separation. If this is the case it is outrageously frustrating but also better that you and DC find out sooner rather than later.