Is DH playing games?

[Allthesadness]

DH announced a month ago that he wasn't sure about our relationship anymore and wasn't happy with all the arguments. I was devastated as I have loved this man for 15 years and we have two gorgeous DC.

It has really shook me to the core and although he has said that he's not talking about leaving, I'm not so sure and have gone into panic mode. I have completely backed off anything that might cause even the smallest disagreement, I have taken over all of the household chores and anything to do with the children, told him to go and relax, told him to go on nights out more frequently, started arranging a child-free weekend away for us as a surprise, etc

However, I feel like the more I'm panicking, the more he is acting cold towards me and has withdrawn affection unless I ask for it. Last night we were having a cuddle and chat in bed and he sat there so stoney-faced. I tried to cheer him up and at one point initiated sex, to which he said he didn't want to (which never happens) because I'd turned him down in the past.

On Saturday, I played it cool - was friendly but only spoke to him when spoken to and was busying myself with some tasks I'd been meaning to do for a while. It was quite noticeable that the mood changed and he started popping up all the time asking if i was ok.

I feel like he is playing games and because I'm making such a big deal out of this and panicking, he's doing it even more. Before anyone asks, yes, we have talked about this many times (daily) and it seems the more i tell him it upsets me, and break down crying the more pissed off he gets.

What do i do? Help!

Why do you think there's no ow? Because he's said so? Because he "wouldn't have time"?

It’s totally horrible how he has got you behaving if that’s the case, poor you and DC. What a dick.

It’s easy for others on here to say tell him to pack his bags leave vs you actually doing it.

Unfortunately I agree with them though.
This sounds very OW involved to me. ‘Out of the blue’ ‘initiated sex and rejected’

I would definitely start from today at just playing it cool and investing your time making your life better and getting your ducks in a row just in case.

If he has got ow then you can safely slam the door on his face.
If he hasn’t, you can slam it in his face when he’s next being a complete dick and expecting you to grovel around him.
Which by the sounds of it will be quite soon.
Listen to pp on here. Stop playing the pick me dance and get your confidence together ready for whatever happens next.

To be honest, who knows what the hell he is acting out about? He's wanting to make you 'pay' for something.
But the feelings he is having are not just about you, they are about his life in general, his childhood, etc, and how he reacts to his own feelings. Some theories would say that if you wrote down the things he is making you feel - isolated, unloved, that there is a doubt over your 'lovability', etc, that would describe what he was made feel like when he was a child. So he is making you feel that now. Not your problem and nothing you can fix, except that his acting out is your problem!
What's important is that at the minute, your relationship is in a bit of trouble and you have no support, because your OH cannot give you that support. Have you thought of going to counselling yourself to try to work our how you feel? It is understandable that you withdrew and took over everything because you are trying to protect yourself and the kids.
You can decide if you are going to go all 'huffy' which is just reacting and getting drawn into his drama and the games.
He's playing a game with you, he's testing you - but really he's not acting like an adult is he? You don't have to play the game though. Just keep telling him he's an adult and 'we both have choices here' and 'maybe you are just angry at the minute but maybe I'm not the cause of it'.
My DH did this sort of thing a while back, when someone was very very sick in my family and I was being 'controlled' by that and very involved with siblings during it. My DH was clearly kicking off because my attention was taken away from him.

And if he’s the type to want a divorce and expect you to pick up all the pieces and raise the dc etc then I’d just book a holiday and fuck off on weekend leaving him to realise what you actually do on the understanding you are just giving him a nice break away from this relationship... good h don’t go around saying they’re not sure about a relationship. They also find ways of repairing what’s wrong. He’s got you right where he wants you op

Speaking of holidays, we've just booked two trips away with the children together over the past week. Which makes me think he has no intention of leaving at all.... Gah, why does he have to be so confusing? i've asked him to tell me straight many times and he's said he's not leaving but then continuing to act like he can't stand me.

You’re allowed to say to him that him not being sure means that he’s not meeting your needs anymore and that you deserve better so you now need to discuss what he’s going to do to make things better as you’ve been trying and he hasn’t.

It’s also ok to say to him that unless he’s prepared to bout as much effort in as you’ve been doing you need to talk about the practicalities of what will be apart as this isn’t fair on you.

Why would he leave when he has you exactly where he wants you?

Personally I would back off and start watching his behaviour. Id probably call his bluff and say since he's not 100% sure of the relationship I don't want to be with someone who's not fully committed and he should leave...make the decision for him and take some of the control back

His reaction and actions afterwards will tell you everything.

This ^ is exactly what I would do even if it rips out my soul.

I do agree with PP though, there’s usually someone else in the background. Even if they’re not the OW yet, he’s making the space for one by making it ok in his head first by treating you like shit.

Tell him to leave for a while so you can get your thoughts straight. This atmosphere is not good for your kids.

I think i'm appearing desperate and he's milking it for all it's worth. As soon as I back off (for example, what happened on Saturday), the behaviour stops.

I can't call his bluff, I can't pretend to leave him, as I would regret it forever.

Then you're stuck with him behaving like a tool because he knows you won't ask him to leave. If you're not prepared to make a stand here you have no leverage and he'll continue to play whatever game he's playing until he gets bored and leaves anyway.

He can threaten you and you panic but you can't do the same to him? Are you scared he will actually leave? If so then I'm afraid that man has you right where he wants you.

My bets are on another woman and I'm sorry OP but you sound like a doormat, he's going to stomp all over you

If you’re not prepared to call him out on his behaviour and tell him he needs to start trying too then you’re invited him to treat you like shit and he’ll continue to do so.

This to me in itself says he’s not a great person, despite the fact you love him. Despite you thinking so little of yourself to allowing w this continue do you can keep him at all costs, what is this teaching your children 😕

He’s using his words to control you... you’re in full on panic mode and doing everything for him and all he has to do is suggest he might not be happy and may want to leave.

Just be yourself and don’t do the ‘pick me dance’. If he doesn’t like you for who you are then you deserve to find someone who does.

Call his bluff. Tell him you’ve been thinking about what he said and he might be right. Suggest time apart, pack his bags and let him get on with it. As sure as eggs is eggs, he’ll either back track or go then come me begging back.

You’re worth so much more than some git playing with your emotions. Take back some control

He says he is not sure about the relationship but HE wants to stay.

Fine - if you have to put up with being in a relationship with this prize arse (because he wants to stay) then ask HIM what he is going to do to make the relationship better.

Or keep pandering to him with the occasional calling of his bluff by backing off when you don't really mean it and have a life time of game playing and insecurity.

Calling his bluff is not going to to make one iota of difference to the final outcome, because if someone truly wants out of a relationship they're going to leave anyway.
All you're doing atm is prolonging the agony.
Sit him down, ask him for he's serious and take it from there.
Not knowing is infinitely worse.
I suspect he's just being a miserable rotten sod tho and would turn to jelly if you made the decision for him.

FGS OP, call him out on his behaviour, do not run about after him like a sick bunny, he does not deserve your kindness or consideration, he's just dropped a bombshell on you and expects you to do what exactly?

I know what I'd be doing, I'd be shutting down everything other than a frank discussion about where you both go from here as living together does not seem feasible any more.

Stop being a doormat, he's treating you appallingly.

Everyone thinks there’s no OW until she turns up, but whether there is or there isn’t doesn’t really matter because he’s treating you like shit now. I think you need to gather up your dignity and make some decisions of your own, don’t just wait for your life to happen to you. Do you want him to stay? Would you prefer he left? Are you willing to work on counselling? Make your own decisions and then tell him. He doesn’t get to call all of the shots.

You mentioned briefly in your opening statement about how he's sick of all the arguments, but you've not talked about this at all. Is this the real problem with your relationship?

You've focused all on what he said and how he has behaved since, but if it went back to how it was before, are you just going to go back to a relationship of arguments again?

Just wondering if you are focusing on what the real issue is.

he's said he's not leaving but then continuing to act like he can't stand me.

If he knows he can continue to do this and you won't call time on the marriage...then you have no choice but to tolerate it.

Or....emotionally detach...and you won't give a damn.

@tiamariaplease. (And @OP). Listen to this. The underlying attitude from others is that it must be another woman or your husband's fault as you're perfect. Rarely is life so simple.

And if a man said "I offered to have sex with my wife but she refused" as if that was enough he would be excoriated. Why treat a man as if he can be fixed with some sex? Arguments can kill passion stone dead.

My thoughts echo TiaMaria. Something deep is up. He talked about it which is a good thing. He wants to stay but feels torn.

Counselling and some very trying times are ahead for you. Best engage and understand rather than listen to the hordes here who say "LTB" and "OW" and "you're perfect" whilst standing on the sidelines.

If the guy is worthy of your affection then he will, slowly, talk about things. If men were like women then marriage counselling wouldn't exist as they'd all talk about feelings all the time.

And to those saying "emotionally detach" it's as good as saying "leave him". Surely th first step is to work out what the problem is rather than abandon a long term relationship?

Poor you, OP. That doesn't sound very nice.

Whether there's another woman or not it is still unacceptable behaviour. You're his wife - very concerning that he wants to unsettle you and then milk it.

I don't know if there's an OW but either way he's revealed a very unpleasant side...do you think you can get past that?

I'm sorry I can't advise because I would handle it differently and I know you don't want to go that route.

I hope you can work it out but I would say that pandering to him is definitely not the way to go about it. I'm actually cross on your behalf. Good luck.

Nobody here is saying the op is perfect but she has said that she has tried to talk to her husband and all he does it get angry and pissed off with her.
If anyone walked in to me and said I'm not sure about this relationship but I'm not leaving and then refused to outline what the problem was I'd assume the problem was theirs and let them get on with it.

Make yourself a bit more independent. Go out more.

If he's going to leave you will need a support network. If you find your anger and kick him out for this cruelty then you will need your own life.

Playing pick me has not helped. Make a nice life for yourself independently of him. He can stay in and look after the children more.

I'd put money on there being OW. He is following the script. Wouldn't do any harm to see a solicitor to find out where you stand.