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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend messaging trans escorts

31 replies

Mrstwiddle · 05/03/2018 08:11

I can’t believe I’m typing this, am in complete shock.

My boyfriend of 3 years has been quite careful with his tablet recently and seemed to be spending a lot of time on his phone.

I obviously was suspicious so took his tablet earlier this evening, and it was open at his email. I scrolled down to see not one, but two messages to different trans people from Craigslist (we’re not in the UK). In each, he’d sent a short message “We should hang out” and I forget the other. The first had replied a couple of weeks ago but he hadn’t replied back. The other was a message he’d literally sent half an hour prior.

I am in total disbelief, he’s never indicated any interest whatsoever, though he suppose he wouldn’t.

I took photos with my tablet of the emails and then woke him up. He denied it first and then just said he was joking around. I told him to leave and this is where I am. In bed, unable to sleep, and my head is spinning. Anyone else been in a similar position/have any advice?

We’re supposed to be getting married later this year but I’ve been having doubts as he has ADHD but won’t see about getting medicated for it.

OP posts:
MrBloomsLeftVeg · 05/03/2018 08:18

Oh that sucks. Not quite the same but mine was busted with cross dressers. Bit different to you - was 6 months married with a 6 week old. He'd met two before being with me and continued to message them.
5 years on, I'm still here. He's done a lot of work on himself and we have a strong relationship.
If we hadn't been married/kid involved, I'd have run without looking back

It might be rough but follow your heart here.
Good luck

Original poster
Mrstwiddle · 05/03/2018 08:21

Thanks for replying, I was hoping he’d be able to explain it away, but I just don’t think that’s possible.

OP posts:
marfmarf · 05/03/2018 08:39

I have trans friends,they told me they hang out on almost everyone,straight,bi and what not. She told me some married guys tried messaging her but her rules were "singles" only as she see women as her sissys! I asked her if they consider them straight or gay,she just told me that straight guys just wanna have some fun and guys like "bottoms" as it gives them a different feelings and satisfaction. Hmmm..Blush

SandyY2K · 05/03/2018 09:54

That would be the end for me. You're not even married and he's up to no good.

MrBloomsLeftVeg · 05/03/2018 12:28

Honestly I wouldn't marry this man but it's your gut feeling.

hellsbellsmelons · 05/03/2018 12:34

Please cancel the wedding.
You are already having doubts and now this!?
I'm glad you got him out.
Please get some RL support around you.
This is a lot to deal with alone.

Myheartbelongsto · 05/03/2018 13:43

This is who is and no amount of work will change that!

Bexter801 · 05/03/2018 13:52

Aw you poor sweetheart,what a horrible thing to discover(not just that he's been messaging other people),but lying,hiding his phone. Confusing for you as in is this his preference...is he/has he met up with other people. You have to protect yourself,body/mind....how far would he have gone/already gone,had you not discovered e mails. Plus he won't take adhd medicine,seems unfair that he's not compromising,for yours,as well as his sake. You sure you want to spend the rest of your life with him?

Original poster
Mrstwiddle · 05/03/2018 16:50

Update: So I've spoken to him by text as I'm at work now. He says that he was messing around when he came across that section on Craigslist. This is backed up by the fact that he never replied after the initial "hello'' but I just can't get my head round what would make someone even interested in looking in the first place.

Thank you for all your supportive posts. If this was my friend, I'd be telling them to leave too. But obviously, it's not that easy a decision when it would affect me so dramatically, and of course, I do love him, but meh..going to take a step back for now and try to think this through rationally.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrstwiddle · 05/03/2018 17:23

The other thing is that I'm literally completely alone overseas - the people I hang out with are his friends/family. I do work, but am not close to any of my colleagues.

I can't talk to my friends/family because it's just too humiliating. It's at times like this, I'm so grateful for Mumsnet!

OP posts:
DamsonOnThisDress · 05/03/2018 17:50

I have no doubt you'll make the right decision for you - you sound remarkably strong and level-leaded. No mean feat given a shock like this.

I'm not saying you should leave or stay - that is entirely down to you but, personally speaking, even if I could accept he was messing and didn't respond, I don't think it's something I could get past. I would always have in mind that he has shown an inclination or at least a curiousity that he may be tempted to act on again.

A curiousity or messaging any escort service would be the end for me, not just trans.

But. Back to you. You sound pretty amazing so do take that step back and be kind to yourself. You have a strength I'm a little in awe of tbh. Take care.

loveyoutothemoon · 05/03/2018 18:14

I'm sorry but it's so unlikely that he was messing about.

Myheartbelongsto · 05/03/2018 18:18

Don't be so gullible op

DamsonOnThisDress · 05/03/2018 18:25

It must be doubly hard when you feel you have no one locally to turn to but at least you have here as an outlet.

Is there anyone in work you could try to get closer to - not to confide in but to start to build a social friendship and give yourself a boost and distraction?

Local clubs? Hobbies? Anything at all you might be interested in to get yourself 'out there'?

DamsonOnThisDress · 05/03/2018 18:28

Actually, you know what, scratch that ^. It's probably too early days for that. You'll still be reeling yet. Look after yourself and do little things that make you feel better. Remember to try and eat and drink when you can. You can do it.

Original poster
Mrstwiddle · 05/03/2018 18:33

Thanks DamsonOnThisDress, I'm on fluoxetine which I think helps numb the emotions a little, and is probably the only reason why I'm at work now instead of huddled under my duvet in tears. And like you say, I'm probably still a little in shock too, but thank you for the moral support, I really appreciate it.

Myheartbelongsto - I don't think I am particularly gullible. He has ADHD and rather an infantile sense of humour at times. I can almost believe it of him that he would find it amusing for some warped reason of his own to send such messages. However, it definitely raises concerns, that were never there beforehand. And now I have to figure out what my next step will be.

OP posts:
aftertheevent · 05/03/2018 19:38

I don't believe he was messing around. There were a lot of choices made and steps taken to get to said trans escorts. Its not as if he stumbled upon them.
I really don't think this is the first time either. Remember he did it twice so more than just a laugh.
Hmmmmmmmm. Do you think he has used escorts in the past? I'd be seriously be looking into this further.
By the way I did and found h had been sex worker user for years after much detective work.
So just saying be aware it happens.

aftertheevent · 05/03/2018 19:40

And if it was just messing about he would probably have forgotten about it and not text back.

aftertheevent · 05/03/2018 19:41

Sorry not text back but sent another message.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 05/03/2018 19:47

He does not sound trustworthy, I am afraid. He has shown he is prepared to message escorts and lie about it - what he has done is not the behaviour of a decent person. I would go so far as to say it is emotional infidelity.

If he can do this before you are married, things are not going to get better once you are - and you will be in a worse situation if you do decide to leave him (especially if you have children).

By his actions, he is telling you about himself, about his character, and you need to listen to what he is telling you. Look at the character this has revealed, and ask yourself if you want to marry him and risk more of the same.

I think you deserve to be treated much better than this. You deserve a partner who is faithful to you, physically and emotionally.

DamsonOnThisDress · 05/03/2018 19:56

Don't underestimate yourself. I'm not sure fluoxetine numbs anything - been on it myself. It tends to right things so you feel more like you again.

Sure you probably wouldn't cope so well without it - who would? - but the coping is all you. You might be surprised at how well you're coping but you are. All you.

Take your time. No need to make any decisions right now. Plenty of shoulders to cry on here if you need them in the meantime.

Angelf1sh · 05/03/2018 20:02

I can understand going down a rabbit hole on Craigslist, bouncing around and reading different messages. I can’t understand replying to one though. That’s not messing around, that’s cheating step 1.

I wouldn’t be marrying him.

PerrieGrey · 05/03/2018 20:27

I was in a similar situation to you once. I had just moved from Scotland to Nottingham, England with my then boyfriend. When we were still living in Scotland I found out that he had been messaging women on an escorting site. He had a thing for redheads which I thought was a normal preference, but turns out all the women he'd been messaging were in fact ginger, pale skinned and selling their services online (you can only imagine how much that made me - a dark skin, dark haired black girl feel). He promised he'd stop, and I believe he did for a while. We moved on, I put it as far to the back of my mind as I could and we eventually moved to Nottingham to start a life together. A few weeks later, he started looking at them again, and lo and behold had messaged one. She lived round the corner from us. I broke it off with him, realised that once people have experienced that kick of talking to someone they can't have, it's unlikely they'll just stop and never go back. If I were you, I'd think really long and hard about this one. I very much doubt he did this as a laugh. More likely he is exploring something he hasn't got to grips with in his own head yet and made that up as he was embarrassed. I wish I would've left my ex earlier.

Original poster
Mrstwiddle · 05/03/2018 21:41

PerrieGrey - that’s what I’m concerned about, is that this might just be the first step, but that there must be something there for him to even want to take that step, it makes no sense to me at all. He’s blaming it all on his sense of humour, which as I said before, is really juvenile.

I’m kind of gutted that everyone is taking such a hard line on this, I was really hoping there might be a few people who said I was overacting (although rationally I know I’m not]

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrstwiddle · 05/03/2018 21:42

What makes things worse is that we recently bought a house together. I know that’s not a good reason to stay together but the timing is atrocious :(

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