Not sure if I've just behaved like a spoilt brat.

[LittleMissLonesome]

Things aren't great between my Dh and me. He's a great hands on dad but an emotionally detached Dh. He's supportive if I have a problem but doesn't open up to me about his worries etc.

We spend little time together and have had sex once since my 17m old dc was conceived.

Anyway I went shopping today and when I was out I bought him a spineless classic poster as they were reduced. It's a book he likes. He seemed really pleased with it. Give me a hug and a kiss.

I reminded him that it's Mother's Day on Sunday. I reminded him because I didn't want to be hurt when he didn't bother to get anything for the dc to give to me. I'm talking about a token gift - nothing more.

He grumbled / whinged and complained stating he's rubbish at getting anything etc etc. I suggested that he could pick something small up from sainsburys as he's going there tomorrow. Told him they have lots of stuff. His reply "frankly my dear I do not give a damn".

I'm massively hurt. I feel rejected and pushed away at the best of times by him. He can't be arsed to put any effort in to us / our relationship / or picking up a stupid token gift so the dc can give it to me.

Well, after going to bed I've got up and ripped his poster in half. Left the pieces on the floor of his study. Now I feel childish and petty. But, I hate how he makes me feel so worthless.

Time for a change?

Petty, yes I suppose so but not that terrible in the circumstances.

If he says anything about the poster, just reply "frankly my dear I do not give a damn"

Do you mean separating jon

Haha runrabbit I was thinking of saying exactly the same to him too

Jon66 that escalated quickly! I think divorce is a little hasty haha. Not talking about a new car. Seems to be a common reaction to relationship problems though these days.
It may have been a petty thing to do but perhaps it will show him really how much he has upset you? Maybe not the worst thing and you can't change it now. Take it as an opportunity to really express how his attitude makes you feel deeply hurt sometimes.

That's the thing raven I have explained it. I've told him before - many times. But nothing changes.

He just doesn't want to prioritise me / our relationship. Ever.

I've thought of suggesting a trial separation many times. I'm sick of feeling like this.

I'm not surprised you feel sick of feeling like that. The sex only once in 2 years I would find intolerable, alone, not to mention how he disregards your feelings. I probably would have ripped up the poster too.

It sounds like he's made it very clear that he doesn't value your relationship.

This tat for tat will just escalate though.

When you say you've had sex once in 17 months- have you instigated it all? Or discussed it? I can't imagine getting to that point without having tried to resolve it.

Troll yes I've instigated it. We've discussed it. I've cried and told him how bad / rejected / lonely I feel. Nothing works. He's just not interested.

Its 330 and I've slept for about an hour tonight. Been awake now for ages.

Dh never came to bed. He's in the spare room. He's never done that before.

The poster was a petty move on my part. I get that. But, I think it is just months and months of loneliness / hurt etc coming out.

I think this could be the slippery slope towards the end for us.

Actually, the slippery slope started 16.5 months ago. We are just hurtling faster along now.

A lot of the time I'm happy enough just muddling on. Other times I feel massively sad.

I think raven has got a fair point that hopefully he may realise how bad things have got and maybe some positive will come from that.

But mother’s Day is next week.
So you have preempted the fact that he’s not getting you anything (even though your not his mother) and telling him to get you something I would have reacted the same way as him tbh.

But Dons we always get posters coming on here and complaining that their dh never bothers to get them anything for mother's day/Valentine's/birthday etc., and the advice (which I agree with) is always to let them know how you feel, in plenty of time to allow them to step up.

Because men aren't mind readers, dontcha know, and can't be expected to get a reasonable gift without plenty of prompting and advance warning.

Well he told you he had no intention of getting you anything and he doesn’t care. That is hurtful.

I’m not sure why you’d expect anything different, if he never bothers

Either that’s ok with you or it’s not

Did he actually quote Rhett Butler's line? There's no link to the classic poster and he wasn't trying to be 'witty'? clutching at straws. However I do think that your response is evidence that it's not a healthy place for you at the moment.

He sounds mean. Or at least, that comment was really mean. It may have been petty but not exactly undeserved! Its horrible being up all night worrying about your relationship. I hope you manage to have a good chat this morning and sort things out

I don't think leaving him would be hasty at all. He doesn't care about your feelings, he's made that clear. Why would anyone stay in a relationship like that? You say you've tried to talk to him about it and he's not interested. What else can you do?

I think this is really the straw that broke the camel's back. It's not unreasonable to expect him to get at least a card on behalf of the kids..as they're too young to get it themselves.

His response was really insensitive and added to him rejecting you sexually and the almost sexless marriage you're in.
..I'd seriously be considering if there was a future.

Don't go on muddling through and being miserable. Tell him straight how you feel, and that it's time for counselling or separation. May sound scary, but is it as bad as spending the rest of your life like that? Your ripping the poster is quite understandable given the whole story

Thanks all for your feedback. I do appreciate it.

shakeyourcaboose yes, he quoted the Rhett Butler line word for word. But the poster was for 1984 not GWTW. I think he was trying to be witty but it was just mean and hurtful. GWTW is a book I've read several times, so to be generous towards him he probably thought he was being amusing. The fact he seems to demonstrate that he doesn't really give s damn towards my feelings made it cruel though.

I feel permanently rejected by him. In many, many ways. And today I just feel massively sad. Sad for me, for him and for my kids.

In some ways he is very kind - he'll go out of his way for anyone. Just not me it appears. I very rarely feel like he's got my back.

We briefly spoke regarding kids drop off at nursery this morning and it was civil so that my ds wouldn't pick up on anything. Later on this eve, he'll stay holed up in his study as he does most evenings. He never comes to bed before midnight so the fact he's in the spare room will make little odds to me as I fall asleep alone anyway.

It's always me who makes the first move after a row. But not this time. He can do what he likes. I'll be civil but I need time to work out what I want / what to do going forward.

I very rarely feel like he's got my back.

Seriously, if you mean this and are not just saying in anger then END IT, he does not deserve you, go find a man that will actually show you kindness and respect; he sounds bloody awful; imagine saying that to you after you buying him something; what a horrible person.

From what you've said it sounds like your basically two adults living together and raising a child. It doesn't sound like your in a relationship. You shouldn't feel you need to stay with him for your son.

I agree, I don't think he values you or your relationship. You cant change people like that

Raising my hand to say you’re relationship sounds a lot like mine and I also feel like shit. We had sex a few times in the two months after DS was born nearly two years ago and nothing since then. He also gives no fucks about things like Mother’s Day and I also find t hurtful.

I’m at the point of considering leaving too. I’m 30, I don’t want to fee so undesirable forever.

I realise that’s no help to you but you’re not alone.

Handsfull I've said the exact same thing to him before. We live like flat mates.

jerseygirl you're right. He'll never change. And at this point I don't know if I can continue knowing this is what my life will be like for the next x years.