Not sure if I've just behaved like a spoilt brat.

[LittleMissLonesome]

Things aren't great between my Dh and me. He's a great hands on dad but an emotionally detached Dh. He's supportive if I have a problem but doesn't open up to me about his worries etc.

We spend little time together and have had sex once since my 17m old dc was conceived.

Anyway I went shopping today and when I was out I bought him a spineless classic poster as they were reduced. It's a book he likes. He seemed really pleased with it. Give me a hug and a kiss.

I reminded him that it's Mother's Day on Sunday. I reminded him because I didn't want to be hurt when he didn't bother to get anything for the dc to give to me. I'm talking about a token gift - nothing more.

He grumbled / whinged and complained stating he's rubbish at getting anything etc etc. I suggested that he could pick something small up from sainsburys as he's going there tomorrow. Told him they have lots of stuff. His reply "frankly my dear I do not give a damn".

I'm massively hurt. I feel rejected and pushed away at the best of times by him. He can't be arsed to put any effort in to us / our relationship / or picking up a stupid token gift so the dc can give it to me.

Well, after going to bed I've got up and ripped his poster in half. Left the pieces on the floor of his study. Now I feel childish and petty. But, I hate how he makes me feel so worthless.

nosws I'm sorry to hear you're going through the same thing. It's crap isn't it. It's hard making the decision about staying / leaving when things could be much worse (physical abuse, infidelity etc). Best wishes with your decision

This doesn’t really sound like a relationship worth working on to me. Do you think there’s anything worth salvaging?

I do want it to work. I want to stay married. But I'm sick of feeling sad and pushed aside.

We've only been married 6 years. And we've had problems for the last 4....

Is it worth looking at counseling or a relationship therapist to see if you can salvage your relationship? Something has to change because you deserve to feel like more than a flatmate

It sounds so miserable for you. It doesn’t sound like there is anything to work on - he rejects you, doesn’t spend time with you, doesn’t give a shit about your feelings...

That is not a relationship, that’s just something unloving happening in the space where you would like one to be.

Is he not bothered about gifts generally? Some people aren’t

No, you didn't behave like a spoilt brat. Don't even apologise for it even if he sulks.
He doesn't want to do it because he doesn't care and he is lazy. It's really really hard for him to make this effort. If he doesn't do anything for you on this mother's day please don't do anything for him either. It's not tit for tat. Sometimes it needs to be both ways.

The gifts and the poster are irrelevant.

The key is that, as you've said, you don't feel valued or appreciated and that he hasn't got your back.

All the gifts in the world won't make up for that.

If you can get couples counselling, I'd try. Otherwise it's hard to see how this relationship can have a future...

He sounds miserable, and not having your back is really significant.

Are you ready to issue an ultimatum - relationship counselling or trial separation?

My ex was like this. Nice guy but terrible at intimate relationships (not so much the sex thing in our case, but never ever made me feel valued, and hated it when I asked for more support or for little gestures of affection.) We separated eventually and I know (nearly ten years later) he bitterly regrets he didn’t shape up. Some people won’t change until they’ve lost something really valuable. But your DH might if you go the counselling route and make him understand how close to the edge you are.

Oh OP that does sound like a sad life

Was he always like this? What happened 4 years ago?

Do you think your Dh is asexual because he doesn't want to have sex? It's been a long time. I would check his phone OP as his behaviour isn't normal unless he is asexual.

Tres, my Dh is like that. He makes very little effort when it comes to me and him. Will find lots of excuses why he can't, why he couldn't. If you push the button he may throw the toys out of his pram. It's just comfortable for him. He doesn't want to be bothered.

Ooohh.. So he's happy to TAKE gifts..... but not interested in returning the effort in gift finding and giving.... he's a selfish DICK

sorry to hear that itsso

Tbh I wish i’d pushed my ex into a corner much earlier than I did. He isn’t actually s selfish man, he just genuinely never really believed me when I told him what I needed - he thought I was being princessy.

I’m not usually a fan of ultimatums but sometimes you have to shock people to get a result

What is he doing in his study at night? Do you think he might be watching porn? I think it’s time to suggest having counseling.

Tres, thank you. I have learnt many things over the years. Some stuff which made me very unhappy years ago doesn't bother me now that much or at all. I am sure it's not unique for men not to make an effort once they get married or live together.

Live together You know what I meant

Thank you to all who've taken the time to respond - I really do appreciate it. to all of you who are going / been through similar.

Update; so after sleeping in the spare room Sunday Dh slept in with me Monday and Tuesday. Though I was asleep when he came to bed both times. We've spoken briefly re: the dc. Bit cool but civil.

Neither of us covered ourself in glory Sunday eve. But he's still sulking - as he's prone to do. I don't want an atmosphere - I just want to get on as normal with him. Anyway, leaving for work this morning he kissed the dc and said bye to me. Convo went like this;

Me: aren't I having a kiss?
Him: do you want one??
Me: well we are Married!
Him: I don't know what you're going to do (in reference to the ripped poster) didn't really want to come close. (But he does give me a peck on the nose)
Me: frankly my dear....and I let the sentence trail away.

He's text me about working overtime, and I know despite offering an olive branch of sorts this morning, that he's pouting / sulking still. Texts very to the point with no kisses. Which sounds unbelievably petty but he always sticks loads of kisses at the end of every message. Every time. I've told him before that he's very affectionate over texts - just not at all in person. I put one at the end of one reply and still nothing. He's such a child! God, I'm cringing writing this as it's so petty. But it's indicative of his behaviour.

Think I'm going to go out this eve. Just to get out of the house.

I'm going to try and answer earlier questions.

He's not bothered about gifts for himself. Hates his birthday etc. But, he happily accepted the poster....and I get him stuff because I like to do that.

I don't think he's asexual. He's been with roughly 30 women before me. Apparently.

Someone asked what happened four years ago. Our ds is 5. I had a low lying placenta with bleeding so sex was a no-no during pregnancy. Had sex again 9 months after his birth. So gap of roughly 18 months. When ds was about 1 I told him how lonely I felt etc. That was 4 years ago. Pre-dc we had a lovely social life, no responsibilities etc. V carefree. Since dc it's been v different. He's an excellent dad but an emotionally - neglecting husband.

Sorry it was me that asked what happened 4 years ago but I still don't understand. Your DC is five? So what happened four years ago? Have you not spoke to him for four ears about how you feel? Sorry if I'm being dim!

Sorry, I wasn't clear. I remember on a particular holiday telling him how unhappy I was. That was 4 years ago.

Things improved as far as I remember. Fell pregnant again. Miscarried. Then it took quite a long time trying to fall pregnant again. So we were having regular sex during that time. Think I was preoccupied with falling pregnant again and as far as I remember things were pretty good between us.

Health issues in my most recent pregnancy again. And he was supportive. But now feel I'm back exactly where I was 4 years ago. He says nothings wrong etc. But he actively avoids coming to bed at the same time as me. If I try and kiss him in bed he basically tucks his head down into my chest etc.

HI OP,

Have you suggested couples counselling? Now might be the perfect time. I think it's the only option if you want to continue the marriage.

If he's not willing to do that, I would seriously think about splitting up, life is too short to feel miserable and lonely.

greenfingers I agree.

At least then I can say I've given it my best shot. No regrets etc.