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Relationships

MIL Living with us for 6 months - aaaarghhh!!!

38 replies

dejags · 09/07/2002 16:17

My MIL arrived last week to spend 6 months living with us and there have already been tensions in the house. In fact for the first 3 days she was here she could hardly be bothered to talk to me at all and most of her interaction with me took the form of disapproving sighs when I mentioned how I do things with DS (13 months).

She will be looking after DS for 3.5 days a week and has already made it clear that she although she disapproves of the way I do things she will do things my way (under great duress and with much sighing etc). I feel really annoyed with her because she has obviously been talking to other members of the family and our old nanny about how I raise our son. She had the gall to say to me that "everybody" thinks I am too controlling because I refused to take DS to a family party because there was nowhere to put him to sleep - apparently she thinks that an 8 month old baby (he was 8 months when we visited in Jan) is quite capable of staying up until midnight and that I am not lenient enough with him - my god next she will be suggesting a curfew for him!

Mostly everything she does with him irritates me but what infuriates me most of all is her constant going on about "her baby" it makes me want to throttle her, not to mention her constant harping about him being tired - I believe in structured napping in the day because I find that DS's sleep goes haywire at night if left to sleep for too long.

Any suggestions as to how I can get MIL to come to terms with the 21st century and my way of doing things without making me feel TOTALLY inadequate would be greatly appreciated - that is before I do something I may regret (lol!!!)

Thanks in advance
dejags

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Harrysmum · 09/07/2002 16:57

No advice but HUGE amounts of sympathy - I now get on with my mil (I did pre-baby and we had a rough patch post-baby but it's improving after a spectularly bad weekend when she surprised even herself at how nasty she was!) but I would be horrified at the thought of 6 months living together!!! Does dh share your parenting aspirations sufficiently to defend them to his mother? (Mine goes along with my structure because I am around more than he is so it's easier for him to stay in the established routine but I must admit I can't see him defending to the death our way of doing things). Fingers crossed for his support.

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ks · 09/07/2002 18:06

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Joe1 · 09/07/2002 21:15

I too dont have any advice but would like to say how brave I think you are and wish you loads of luck and hope you come out the other end sane.

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Kia · 09/07/2002 22:31

Make sure you have your husband's 110% support or you'll never survive. Make it absolutely clear that he is not mummy's little soldier any more and that playing hunt the sausage will definitely have to stop if he shows any signs of regression to childhood!

Ignore her sighs etc, and just carry on regardless - you are in charge of your baby, its your child not hers.

I wish you tons of luck, you are so brave. I cannot even manage staying civil for even a weekend these days. I've got a ton of study to do currently and the spare room is in the middle of being decorated (oh dear!) so I send the family over to her place without me. It's great.

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susanmt · 10/07/2002 13:13

Lots of sympathy here too.
Ignore the sighs - my MIL does that but when you ignore it she usually stops!

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bundle · 10/07/2002 13:15

oh. my. god.
best of luck - I suppose the only bit of advice is to say outloud the things which you think are important - but maybe keep some of the little things to yourself..and try to have a sense of humour. I say we put you up for some sort of medal if you survive 6 months!

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Mooma · 10/07/2002 16:53

I find talking to the walls (a la Shirley Valentine) always helps

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Lois · 10/07/2002 20:36

Oh Dejags how absolutely dreadful for you. My MIL is also a "don't forget this isn't your baby it's my baby blah blah blah". She's like a Jack Russel on acid. After a week with her in February I had a mouth ulcer the size of a 50p and was having nightmares. Your MIL doesn't go on about when her son was a baby too does she?

The trouble with women like that is that they sap your confidence. Will you be able to get enough reassurance (from dh, friends, your mum, mumsnet?)that you are good mother doing what is best for your baby? Are you going to be well grounded enough to not end up questioning the way you have chosen to do things? You just have to stand up to her. After all she's had her go and was she so brilliant at it? My dh's childhood memories of his mum been quite an eye-opener.

On the positive side can you find any good points in your MIL? Does she have good relationships with any other grandchildren? Is there anything you can ask her opinion on?

You don't say whether it is your express choice to have her staying with you or if you feel you've been pressured into it.

If you can make this work then you should feel very proud of yourself. I wish you the very best of luck with it.

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dejags · 11/07/2002 11:37

Thanks for all your replies, things have got better even if only a little bit. I ended up having a bit of a shouting match with her and managed to let her know in no uncertain terms that he is my child and that whilst we respect and value her opinions (for the most part) he will still be brought up our way.

DH is trying really hard to keep the peace but it is difficult for him. He is an only child whose dad died at age 6. Because of this him and his mum are particularly close, despite the fact that she can be a really stuck up old cow when she wants to be.

I must have been crazy to agree to this but now that it's happening I am trying to keep a sane head and not get too uptight about her comments. I am trying to let her constant harping about his sleeping just go over my head.

five months and 3 weeks to go!

will keep you posted

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Azzie · 11/07/2002 12:11

Dejags, I think you must be a saint even to agree to have her to stay! (I love my MIL, but to have her in the house for 6 months...it doesn't bear thinking about.). However, I also feel very sorry for your dh - 6 months of trying to mediate between the two women you love and respect most in the world! Not an enviable task, poor man.

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WideWebWitch · 11/07/2002 12:16

Dejags, well done, hang in there. If my dp's mum stayed with us for 6 months one of us would end up dead. And it wouldn't be me.

Could you take advantage of the (one) good point of having her there and get her on some serious babysitting duty in the evenings so you and DH get some time together and away from her? Apart from that try not to let her undermine your confidence in your parenting. Easier said than done, I know. Someone said on another thread that they dealt with unhelpful/unwanted comments by raising an eyebrow and saying enigmatically "interesting". Worth a try!

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Queenie · 11/07/2002 12:49

Dejags - I felt my heart beat faster when I read your message - I would kill myself before allowing this!! I think sometimes its best to have the row and clear the air - let's everyone know where they stand. Longest I spent with MIL was 3 weeks and the memory will take me to my grave.

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chinchilla · 11/07/2002 13:17

I haven't got a MIL as my dh's mum died two years before I met him. I get the impression that she was a lovely lady, and I really wish that she had lived to see her various grandchildren, as her husband (dh's dad)is not really a 'family' man. He's nice, but not really interested in kids.

No, I get all the unsolicited advice I need from my mum. She does a great line in that certain look whenever I say anything about ds. It always makes me need to justify everything that I do. Even my dad has started saying how I must start taking ds to M & T group, as it will do him good -and me of course. Aaarrgh.

They didn't exactly do a great job in bringing me up (long story that I may post one day, if the relevant thread comes up), so I just want to shout this at them, which would shut them up. However, I do get on with them in most ways, and rely on them for any babysitting that dh and I have, so it is probably best not to rock the boat.

I think that the answer is to smile, and say, "Yes, I'll try that", and then ignore their advice if you think that they are wrong.

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monkey · 11/07/2002 13:32

dejags, You have my sympathy too. I get on well with my in laws, but can't imagine 6 months: - they stay with us for a few weekends a year, and I feel stressed and grumpy.

She's unfortunately not making things easier, and doesn't sound like she's making the effort necessary to make the 6 months pass (relatively) smoothly.

I guard my children's sleep like a lioness, and couldn't imagine keeping either of my kids up 'til midnight. We once had a family gathering: most people hadn't seen ds for months, (he was then about 6 months) but come 8 he went to bed as usual, even though most guests hadn't arrived yet. So they didn't see him. Well, a shame, but had I kept him up, he would have been the parcel all night, been passed around all and sundry. I know some would disagrree with me, but I really do feel strongly that a little child needs thier sleep, and is entitled to it. So it's not exactly helpful for someone to critise this.

I agree, you need complete support from dh, maybe someone else (mumsnet?) ditached form the situation that you can let off steam with. I

Anyway, I think (and hope) that the first couple of weeks will be the worst, and after that things should settle into a bit of a pattern. After all, she can't moan about his sleeping all the time, can she? Can she?? For your sake, I hope not!

Good luck - thinking of you.

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tigermoth · 11/07/2002 22:09

Dejags, at least you have two things to look forward to: mil babysitting and mumsnet to let off steam. From what you say about your mil, you are a saint for agreeing to this elongated visit.

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Mopsy · 12/07/2002 15:13

Just received this in my inbox and thought of this thread....

A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a mostunusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull dog on a leash. Behind were 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is
for my husband."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him. "She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

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WideWebWitch · 12/07/2002 15:54

lol mopsy!

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Marina · 12/07/2002 16:20

Very funny, Mopsy!

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Joe1 · 12/07/2002 17:35

Very good

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dejags · 13/07/2002 17:45

LOL Mopsy!

Things are pretty much going from bad to worse. DMIL has been in a strop for the past 2 days (the reason why is anybody's guess). I think it is rude not to say one word to anybody and practically ignore even when spoken to. DH thinks this is totally normal behaviour and I have been told that I need to stop over-reacting!

Ah.... it is going to be a long six months!

Thanks for all your replies.

Take care
Dejags

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sobernow · 13/07/2002 21:31

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ks · 14/07/2002 09:38

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star · 14/07/2002 16:44

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dejags · 15/07/2002 13:17

Sorry in advance for using this forum to have a good moan, but DMIL has just made such a ridiculous suggestion that I wasn't sure if she was pulling my leg.

DS has a really bunged up nose and was very wakeful last night because of this. She suggest rubbing Vicks Vapour Rub between his eyes once he has fallen asleep. When I suggested that the possiblity of him rubbing into his eyes (which I imagine would be excruciating) was too likely and that I would prefer her to stick to his back and chest she took the hump!

Is it me or is this a really silly idea?

Dejags

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PamT · 15/07/2002 13:26

She needs some rubbing between her eyes! Have yourself a large drink, count to 10 and smile sweetly. You have my sympathy.

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