MIL Living with us for 6 months - aaaarghhh!!!

[dejags]

My MIL arrived last week to spend 6 months living with us and there have already been tensions in the house. In fact for the first 3 days she was here she could hardly be bothered to talk to me at all and most of her interaction with me took the form of disapproving sighs when I mentioned how I do things with DS (13 months).

She will be looking after DS for 3.5 days a week and has already made it clear that she although she disapproves of the way I do things she will do things my way (under great duress and with much sighing etc). I feel really annoyed with her because she has obviously been talking to other members of the family and our old nanny about how I raise our son. She had the gall to say to me that "everybody" thinks I am too controlling because I refused to take DS to a family party because there was nowhere to put him to sleep - apparently she thinks that an 8 month old baby (he was 8 months when we visited in Jan) is quite capable of staying up until midnight and that I am not lenient enough with him - my god next she will be suggesting a curfew for him!

Mostly everything she does with him irritates me but what infuriates me most of all is her constant going on about "her baby" it makes me want to throttle her, not to mention her constant harping about him being tired - I believe in structured napping in the day because I find that DS's sleep goes haywire at night if left to sleep for too long.

Any suggestions as to how I can get MIL to come to terms with the 21st century and my way of doing things without making me feel TOTALLY inadequate would be greatly appreciated - that is before I do something I may regret (lol!!!)

Thanks in advance
dejags

[Jendy]

Dejags Hang in there - Someone said to me the other day dragons never became extinct they became MILs and some of us have them. (Sorry! I know not all MIL s are like this)

[angharad]

Hats off to you Dejags!

[dejags]

One month down the line I thought I would send a quick update.

Things are actually (surprisingly) going very well. DMIL has now settled in and has seen the good sense in the way I do things. She did try doing it her way and all the wheels fell off (I wanted to throttle her at the time but tried not to say too much). It got to the point that DS was not sleeping, eating and was very very grumpy all day long and she was left "holding the baby" (excuse the cheesy saying )

On the whole she keeps to herself which at first really grated me because I thought she was being rude. I have learned to accept it and make the most of the fact that our evenings are to a large extent our own.

I am sure that things will get hairy again in the next 5 months so watch this space
De Jags

[susanmt]

MIL is here, has taken children out every afternoon, done all the night feeds, all the ironing and cooking since Tuesday. However, I think I am glad she is going home tomorrow.

[Marina]

She sounds a pearl, Susanmt, but she is very much in the minority I guess. I do hope you get the rest and break you need this week - and that Dejags manages to restrain herself from killing her dangerous, annoying MIL. Did anyone see Malcolm in the Middle last night? Her parents, chain-smoking ruffianly sorts, came to stay and put the children's lives in danger in various ways and eventually detonated grandpa's WWII souvenir grenade in the kitchen. They got rid of them by threatening them with the Social Services - and got enough money off the old g*ts to redo the kitchen as well...it certainly made me think.

[SofiaAmes]

dejags, vicks and eyes DO NOT MIX! Have you tried eucalyptus oil capsules. You break one onto the pillow and it works wonders at clearing noses. It also smells great. I think they have them in boots.

[susanmt]

I must be mad - or very lucky. I'm not coping very well generally at the moment with 5 mo ds still up 3 times a night, 2 yr old dd being a real 2 year old, dh very stressed by work, my kidney stones are playing up, I am in hospital next week to have them investigated ......
so I phoned my mil this afternoon at 3 o'clock and she will be here at 11am tomorrow (2 flights and 1 car hire later) to give us a break until Saturday. Would rather have her than my Mum anytime!

[Azzie]

My Mother has taken great pains to make it clear to me that she knows we could never comfortably share a house, and she has therefore made adequate financial provision for nursing home care in her old age. Don't know about my MIL though (a saint among women, but all the same... ).

[WideWebWitch]

Degjags in the face of ridiculous suggestions like this from your MIL well done for not telling her to off!!! Vent here as much as you like

[FrancesJ]

Oh, and Feather - I had a similar announcement - that MIL was going to buy a camper van and travel between her three son's houses. Luckily it hasn't come to anything (yet). I'm afraid that I've just been really clear with dh from start of relationship that I can't and won't live with MIL - ever. Likewise, we get on in small doses, which is fine, and luckily for me, she's a nice, rational woman (would never dream of suggesting vicks between eyes, for example). I think she knows, too, that if we disagree on any child-care issue, all she'll get from me is a listen, a polite murmur, and then I'll go do what I think is right anyway, whether I agree with her or not. The thought of the camper van still haunts me a bit, but I found a clause in our mortgage that said no permanently parked vehicles on driveway, so that settles that one!

[FrancesJ]

You have lots of my sympathy, too. Very silly suggestion, I'd say. Ow. I'm sure it says on the pots of snuffle babe not to use on the face, anyway, if you need bottle-jargon back-up. Ooh, and if he's really bunged up, have you tried the squirty saline things to unbung at bedtime? Little bottles from the chemist, you squirt them up a little nostril to ease congestion.

[Feather]

I've got a MIL problem also ? she has just announced that when she retires she is going to spend half the year abroad and half the year with us!! ? she said it to me when DH wasn't in the room. I was so shocked I didn't know what to say (I keep out of her way as much as possible as I can only stand her in v small doses). I haven't told DH this yet but in the past I told him that there was no way I could live with her. Anyone any similar experiences and if so how did you handle it

thanks a lot

[Mopsy]

LOL Dejags!!

I know men are from Mars, and women are from Venus, but what planet exactly do MILs come from???

Compelled to go and look at my own jar in the bathroom cabinet and it says 'AVOID CONTACT WITH EYES'.

Perhaps you could suggest that if she's so confident you're wrong she put some in her own eyes to test it out! (or you could offer to do it)

Keep smiling it does help M xx

[PamT]

She needs some rubbing between her eyes! Have yourself a large drink, count to 10 and smile sweetly. You have my sympathy.

[dejags]

Sorry in advance for using this forum to have a good moan, but DMIL has just made such a ridiculous suggestion that I wasn't sure if she was pulling my leg.

DS has a really bunged up nose and was very wakeful last night because of this. She suggest rubbing Vicks Vapour Rub between his eyes once he has fallen asleep. When I suggested that the possiblity of him rubbing into his eyes (which I imagine would be excruciating) was too likely and that I would prefer her to stick to his back and chest she took the hump!

Is it me or is this a really silly idea?

Dejags

[dejags]

LOL Mopsy!

Things are pretty much going from bad to worse. DMIL has been in a strop for the past 2 days (the reason why is anybody's guess). I think it is rude not to say one word to anybody and practically ignore even when spoken to. DH thinks this is totally normal behaviour and I have been told that I need to stop over-reacting!

Ah.... it is going to be a long six months!

Thanks for all your replies.

Take care
Dejags

[Joe1]

Very good

[Marina]

Very funny, Mopsy!

[WideWebWitch]

lol mopsy!

[Mopsy]

Just received this in my inbox and thought of this thread....

A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a mostunusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull dog on a leash. Behind were 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is
for my husband."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him. "She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

[tigermoth]

Dejags, at least you have two things to look forward to: mil babysitting and mumsnet to let off steam. From what you say about your mil, you are a saint for agreeing to this elongated visit.

[monkey]

dejags, You have my sympathy too. I get on well with my in laws, but can't imagine 6 months: - they stay with us for a few weekends a year, and I feel stressed and grumpy.

She's unfortunately not making things easier, and doesn't sound like she's making the effort necessary to make the 6 months pass (relatively) smoothly.

I guard my children's sleep like a lioness, and couldn't imagine keeping either of my kids up 'til midnight. We once had a family gathering: most people hadn't seen ds for months, (he was then about 6 months) but come 8 he went to bed as usual, even though most guests hadn't arrived yet. So they didn't see him. Well, a shame, but had I kept him up, he would have been the parcel all night, been passed around all and sundry. I know some would disagrree with me, but I really do feel strongly that a little child needs thier sleep, and is entitled to it. So it's not exactly helpful for someone to critise this.

I agree, you need complete support from dh, maybe someone else (mumsnet?) ditached form the situation that you can let off steam with. I

Anyway, I think (and hope) that the first couple of weeks will be the worst, and after that things should settle into a bit of a pattern. After all, she can't moan about his sleeping all the time, can she? Can she?? For your sake, I hope not!

Good luck - thinking of you.