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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Not been able to prove my ex-DH is a 'paedophile'(of sorts)

40 replies

lilymylovely · 04/05/2007 22:39

We split up over 4 years ago when DD was 2 yrs old.
Loads of reasons. DD was/is an IVF baby and all i could think about was having another after she was born.
I have NO sex drive - prob due in part to IVF as it was very much a regime. Do it now to get pregnant kinda thing. The day after DD was born, his mother, aunt and cousin accused him of sexually abusing her(cousin) when he was 18, she was 6 or 8.
he obviously denied it. he had a very strange strained relationship with his mum and I naturally believed what he was saying. We had a newborn DD and life couldn't have been better for us after the shit of years of IVF.
The police and social services were involved. It was awful. Social workers came out each week to check that my DD was not being abused. Horrendous!!
CPS could not prove what she had said so it was thrown out and we were free to get on with our lives.
My ex DH had anal sex with me on a very regular basis whilst i was asleep. I am sure that he drugged me to do it as i would have obviously stopped him if i could have.
the first i knew of it each time was when i got up to go to the loo in the morning and a load of 'felch' would fall out of me!!
he even admitted doing it to me and said he had a high sex drive!! Bastard.
When we were splitting up, it was truly awful one night when he was out. i went onto computer to see if i had any emails, and in his favourites were all these porn sites with little tiny babies and kids in them. God i was so sick. what do you do??
I rang my GP. it was 11pm and i knew that he was out for the night. she came round(she's a good friend of mine)and also my BIL.
The upshot was the police came, took statements, took the computer. admitted that the info had to have been put there by someone. Only he and i had access to computer and i didn't put it there. I moved out.
Now divorced. New DP and 2 more kids. DD1 2& 1/2 yrs. DS2 16mths.
CPs said that they couldn't prove or disprove. He said that i must have put info on 'puter. |Now I have to let DD(6&1/2yrs) stay over.
Oh Fuck. What if he Does anything to her. Even just looks at her.

OP posts:

Carmenere · 04/05/2007 22:42

Why do you have to let dd stay over

fireflyfairy2 · 04/05/2007 22:43

Don't let her go.

No-body can blame you.

Can any-one make you send her?

Rachmumoftwo · 04/05/2007 22:47

Don't send her. If he takes it to court you can request supervised access. I don't think in this day and age they can put a child at risk like that can they? If he was appying to work in childcare I am sure they would say all previous info would mean he can't so why should he be allowed to have your child stay over. OK his too, but I think he deserves no father's rights.
I feel for you, I really do. Good luck, and don't let him grind you down, the bastard!

NotanOtter · 04/05/2007 22:48

there is no way i would let my daughter go

GiantSquirrelSpotter · 04/05/2007 22:50

Don't let her go.

Write to the court and say that in view of the low conviction rate for rape (95% of allegations end in no case or no conviction) and in view of the history, it is utterly unreasonable to take this sort of risk with your DD's welfare.

Say that you're happy for supervised contact to take place in a contact centre, but unsupervised contact and especially overnight contact, is absolutely unacceptable.

Good luck.

PeachesMcLean · 04/05/2007 22:51

Going off what you say, he looks at child porn on the internet. He drugged you to have anal sex with you. Why do you let your child stay with him??

bananabump · 04/05/2007 22:51

Christ no, don't let her anywhere near him. Tell the courts they'll have to prise her from your cold dead fingers before you'll let her go to his house unsupervised. Horrible.

Original poster

lilymylovely · 04/05/2007 22:54

because it has never been proved or disproved i have had to let her go. i hate it.
he now lives with his new DP who has 4 kids. 8, 10, 12, and 14. The 8 yr old is a girl, and my DD has a fab time there. All their kids have adhd and my DD is bouncing off the walls when she returns

OP posts:

PeachesMcLean · 04/05/2007 22:54

Sorry, just realising this must be a court decision re access. Poor you. I hope someone comes up with some really good legal stuff for you here because I wouldn't be happy for my DS in that situation.

PeachesMcLean · 04/05/2007 22:55

x posts.

Original poster

lilymylovely · 04/05/2007 22:56

me and DD have a wonderfully open relationship and she tells me EVERYTHING. he didnt admmit that he drugged me, only that he had sex with me when i was asleep!!

OP posts:

Original poster

lilymylovely · 04/05/2007 22:58

i tell her that we have NO secrets. about anything at all. just surprises. it seems to work so far. not having anyone telling her that this is just our little secret type thing

OP posts:

Cazee · 04/05/2007 23:11

If you are desperate to avoid your dd staying over, and I think I would be, perhaps you could report him to the police for the assault on you? I am sure that what he did to while you were asleep is illegal, as you didn't give consent. Thinking of you.

totaleclipse · 04/05/2007 23:15

How awful, there is no way on earth I would send my dd, I would leave the country if need be.

JodieG1 · 04/05/2007 23:16

Did you have any pain or damage after he had anal sex with you when you were asleep? Why do you have to let dd stay overnight with him? I wouldn't under those circumstances. Go to the police. I expect they could take into account the allegations of abuse from his cousin as well as the porn you found.

liquidclocks · 04/05/2007 23:19

lily - I don't know what you can do in terms of access, I really feel for you in that respect, I've no idea what I'd do in your situation.

I do know however that there have been a few books recommended on MN about how to make children aware of what is appropriate and inappropriate 'touching', and what to do if someone is inappropriate with them. I can't remeber the names of the books but f we keep this bumped perhaps someone will be able to tell you. At the very least you can protect your DD in this way.

KerryMum · 04/05/2007 23:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cashncarry · 04/05/2007 23:23

Lily - is there any way you could alert a social worker to your concerns of her staying overnight? Presumably through the same channels as those who monitored you after DD was born.

I get the feeling that you've come to MN as a last resort and have been battling with your feelings on this for a while. It can't have been easy going through what you have - after all, you trusted him implicitly at one point. Maybe you could take some comfort in the fact that he knows you're aware of his tendencies (even if he denies them) and is unlikely to act on them given your viligance. The presence of other children around the same age may go some way to preventing anything untoward taking place.

I really have no legal knowledge in this area but it does sound that you're unlikely to get anywhere in the courts if no criminal charges have been brought

PeachesMcLean · 04/05/2007 23:27

Lily, I really feel for you having to check what your daughter says.

Around here, there are some solicitors who offer a free consultation session (basically they want to find people they can get work from) so they'll listen freely to what you have to say. With the cousin, your story of being drugged, plus the stuff on the computer, it seems mad that they can't insist on supervised visits only for your DD. No smoke without fire.

prettyfly1 · 05/05/2007 09:13

i really feel for you on this - your story turned my stomach. i completely agree with whomever quoted the low rate of conviction for rape and think that even if the police come round explain to them that two women have accused him of sexual abuse, one of whom is you - why in gods name would you or they for that matter then hand him a third - the third being the most precious thing in your life. dont do it. its that simple and if they try to force it call the press!

lovemybed · 05/05/2007 12:30

i toally agree with everyone else, i would never ever let my daughter near him.

its all very well you trying to make sure your daughter knows never to keep anything from you and making her aware about whats right and wrong but this wont protect her if a fully grown man did force himself onto her or even drug her up.

refuse to let her near him, take him through every court, get the bloody media involved but do whatever you can to protect your little girl.

bubblymummy · 05/05/2007 12:40

Lily

This is an awful situation to be in and it's made harder by the fact that courts haven't been sympathetic.

You can either shit your pants for everyminute she's with him for the next 18 years or beyond or you'll have to fight.

In this case you may have to get in a long and horrible battle that 'outs' him for the man he is, but in the long term you'll have peace of mind.

Really hoping that you can resolve this for both your sakes.xx

Judy1234 · 05/05/2007 12:43

These are very difficult cases. Huge numbers of women make up child abuse allegations to stop fathers seeing children so the natural inclination is not to believe them but in your case with his family also having made allegations you get a feeling of no smoke without fire. Of course just having stuff on the PC doesn't mean he would or with his own child and he wasn't prosectued which is very interesting - you'd expect if there was a good case they would have done, wouldn't you? They often do. So very strange they didn't which casts doubt again.

Make sure in due course she knows to tell you anything that happens, if it does. Also is there a way to arrange supervised visits e.g if his mother or new girlfriend were there at all times that's much less risky if he is a risk to her. Also have you written or emailed him about your concerns - if you did he might have some solutions to keep things safe.

hayes · 06/05/2007 16:57

does his new partner know about the history as she has kids too and has the right to be informed

StripeyKnickersSpottySocks · 06/05/2007 18:14

I'd really have thought that you would have woken up when he had anal sex with you - unless you had been drugged.

I really think you need a solicitir and fight the court decision re access. Tell the solicitor everything. Its not right that he can have her overnight although at least there is another adult in the house.

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