Not been able to prove my ex-DH is a 'paedophile'(of sorts)

[lilymylovely]

We split up over 4 years ago when DD was 2 yrs old.
Loads of reasons. DD was/is an IVF baby and all i could think about was having another after she was born.
I have NO sex drive - prob due in part to IVF as it was very much a regime. Do it now to get pregnant kinda thing. The day after DD was born, his mother, aunt and cousin accused him of sexually abusing her(cousin) when he was 18, she was 6 or 8.
he obviously denied it. he had a very strange strained relationship with his mum and I naturally believed what he was saying. We had a newborn DD and life couldn't have been better for us after the shit of years of IVF.
The police and social services were involved. It was awful. Social workers came out each week to check that my DD was not being abused. Horrendous!!
CPS could not prove what she had said so it was thrown out and we were free to get on with our lives.
My ex DH had anal sex with me on a very regular basis whilst i was asleep. I am sure that he drugged me to do it as i would have obviously stopped him if i could have.
the first i knew of it each time was when i got up to go to the loo in the morning and a load of 'felch' would fall out of me!!
he even admitted doing it to me and said he had a high sex drive!! Bastard.
When we were splitting up, it was truly awful one night when he was out. i went onto computer to see if i had any emails, and in his favourites were all these porn sites with little tiny babies and kids in them. God i was so sick. what do you do??
I rang my GP. it was 11pm and i knew that he was out for the night. she came round(she's a good friend of mine)and also my BIL.
The upshot was the police came, took statements, took the computer. admitted that the info had to have been put there by someone. Only he and i had access to computer and i didn't put it there. I moved out.
Now divorced. New DP and 2 more kids. DD1 2& 1/2 yrs. DS2 16mths.
CPs said that they couldn't prove or disprove. He said that i must have put info on 'puter. |Now I have to let DD(6&1/2yrs) stay over.
Oh Fuck. What if he Does anything to her. Even just looks at her.

"Huge numbers of women make up child abuse allegations to stop fathers seeing children so the natural inclination is not to believe them"

Huge numbers? I hardly think so. Where is your evidence for this Xenia?

This sort of myth-making is incredibly dangerous and damaging to women and children. I would have thought that automatic disbelief, far from being a "natural reaction" is just a symptom of mysogyny. As is the "natural reaction" of automatically disbelieving an adult woman's rape claim. Not for nothing do we have a 5% conviction rate. Does anyone really believe that 95% of rape allegations are untrue?

I've no doubt that a minority of unscrupulous women make up child abuse allegations, but I very much doubt it's huge numbers. It is as inaccurate and harmful to promote the view that huge numbers of women invent child abuse allegations, as it would be to pretend that huge numbers of women invent rape allegations.

Thank you ladies for all your replies.
Please don't fight.
The police know everything, as does his partner. He is now back in touch with his mother after 6 years of no contact, and all seems very pally!
My DD is clued up totally. I have her alerted to what is and is not appropriate.
The police told me that somebody would have had to have put the information on the computer. As we shared a password it could have been either one of us. Because I accused him, he turned it round on me. I did NOT put that info there. Can anyone tell me whether sites can just appear in Favourites or do ther have to physically be put there?
This is 4 yrs old now and I am getting used to it. I hate it, and him, but am determined not to let it overtake our lives.

As a solicitor I have acted for hundreds of parents in contact. I can think of three women who raised sexual abuse issues (and only one of those involved the child who was the subject of the dispute) and those were taken very seriously with supervised access ordered on each occasion.

To the OP I would say if you think your child is at risk then insist that it is supervised by someone you can trust at all times. If not, stop contact and he will then apply to court where this will be fully investigated.

If somebody is looking at sex sites involving tiny babies then their whole judgement as a parent comes into question, in addition to the obvious concerns that he might abuse a child.

There is something that doesn't add up about your account somehow - surely the police would have taken further action if what you say is correct?

'IF WHAT I SAY IS CORRECT!!!' Thanks very much. What I say is correct! Why would I lie. The police said that they couldn't take ation as we were both accusing each other. They looked at times and dates and very cleverly he had visited these sites when I was in the house, albeit in bed.
This is in my mind again now as I am having surgery this week of a serious nature and would hate to die and leave her to him. We have sorted our will out but it won't necessarily mean that she will stay with DP if I die.

lily - perhaps what zookeeper means is that the account is 'incomplete'. As a solicitor she will also know that decisions to prosecute are not with police, but CPS and reasons for prosecute/not prosecute, (and what for) sometimes do appear as a mystery.

Men don't wander onto sites with abusive images of children - they go there as children are in their sexual catchment.

As it reads, I wouldn't let any child anywhere near him if I had the power to not let it happen.

you mentioned the allegations made by his own family - is there any way you can follow this up or ask his mother how safe your children are. It seems like she knows what he has done and these inclinations he has. If you could get her to face up to it there would be more chance as it is not just your word aganist his. I think that as she felt the need to discuss this issue the day after your DD was bron incidcates that she was in some way concerned that he had had a daughter.

I am so sorry for you - this is so delicate and sensitive.

Best wishes.

DT - I have to disagree with you, I'm afraid. That would involve murky family dynamics at play, esp. a mother-on-son one.

She has more than enough 'intelligence' to take remedial action, as difficult as it may be.

Keep refusing access, I know two perfectly decent dads who are denied access by their ex-wives to their kids. They go to court, the wives make it impossible, refuse to give access eventually they give up.

what do you mean by 'intelligence'?

Don't let her go. The police were involved, he raped you. Vile. You must do whatever it takes to deny access.

DT - sorry, I mean facts, information etc..'intelligence' is perhaps a police word. Either way, she doesn't have to rely on a faulty justice system to protect her little one.

But the rules have changed now havent they? People dopnt have to have been proven to have comitted a crime against a child, just that they can be classed as a risk to children. I work for SS and we have people flagged as possible risk. I know you might not like SS, but might be worth ringing and asking advice. I do protective behaviours work with children that are at risk of abuse in my work and also those that have already been abused. There is a website for it, as its used in schools now in replacement of the stranger danger type thingy, \link{http://www.protectivebehaviours.co.uk\link}

Hope it helps, and please know you dont have to send her, you havent been ordered by court, right?

I know you hope she would tell you if something happened but abuser have ways to ensure children dont talk, thats how they get away with it

lisad - they have indeed changed - we don't use "Schedule 1 Offenders" anymore - and the risk bit as you say is promoted.

Still, would agree, nay urge, that children are not left with him, where ever possible.

It sounds like quite a desperate situation and from what she has said the children are left with him.

can this be changed so all visits are supervised?

Past 'intelligence' would involve police records but I don't see that these past incidents have been reported to the police - it seems that the decision was made on the basis of the pornography on the computer and that was accessed whilst OP was in teh house - I was wondering if she needs to build up a more comprehensive case.

I am so sorry.

As others have said, I would not let my child near such a man.

Have you considered or discussed the possibility of pursuing him for rape?