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Original poster

WWYD - holidays, IL and money

49 replies

Fortunatelymine · 04/03/2018 11:23

NC as a sensitive situation, which I'm looking for opinions on ways of approaching, because I know dh won't sort it alone, and if I come out with my opinion directly, IL will get their backs up (as has previously happened on a few other occasions ).
Dh and I have DC, had lived in UK all our time together. His parents live there. Mine live abroad. We have visited most years, with them paying for one plane ticket, most of the food we eat, accommodation (as we stay with them) and an additional few weeks break while over there. They are by no means rich, and skimped on other things to enable us to visit (its v expensive to travel there and we don't have a great amount of spare money).
We moved to live in the same country, so it will be our turn to visit IL in UK this year. The only time dh can go is at the end of the year, so in addition to having even less money than usual due to moving, we'll have to buy coats and other cold weather clothes which we don't need otherwise apart from this trip. IL have said they will contribute to travel expenses and will book a short break somewhere, but haven't given any details. IL appear to be substantially better off than my parents going on their own spending, if that's relevant.
In my mind, it's such an expensive trip which is at their request (we're not that bothered about going back for a while yet, dh included) that it seems fair that they help with the same costs as my parents always did. I don't mean it in a grabby way,
but we simply don't have the money ourselves. But dh won't ask, and they haven't specified. I'm reluctant to say anything because it wouldn't go down well with anyone, but I'm very concerned about the cost, which would use all savings and mean we would be scrimping hard for the rest of the year.
How should I best approach it, and what do you think is a reasonable 'expectation' on either side? Thanks in advance.

OP posts:

Joysmum · 04/03/2018 11:28

I wouldn’t expect parent to fund trips home when it was out choice to move away. If they did then great but to expect it is grabby.

FannyFifer · 04/03/2018 11:30

It was nice that your parents helped you out, but you can't expect others to do the same.
Could they come visit you instead?

Original poster

Fortunatelymine · 04/03/2018 11:32

They want us to go back to visit. How is it grabby if we can't afford it ourselves?

OP posts:

Moussemoose · 04/03/2018 11:35

They can come and visit you.

Munchyseeds · 04/03/2018 11:37

You just tell them nicely that you can't afford it at the moment and then make plans for next year

Hellsbellscockleshells · 04/03/2018 11:38

If you can’t afford the trip and haven’t booked flights yet then I would suggest you and DH have a proper discussion together and postpone your visit. Then he needs to phone his parents and let them them know you have looked at all the costs and really can’t afford to visit at the agreed time so will need to postpone the visit.
At this point they may offer a contribution in which case you can visit or you have been honest with them and will delay your visit so your not putting yourselves in financial hardship to visit.

Aprilmightmemynewname · 04/03/2018 11:38

Suggest dh goes alone as family funds won't stretch to all.

juneau · 04/03/2018 11:39

Since you've now moved to the other country I think you have to be completely honest with them, as if you previously visited your DPs every year it's not unreasonable for your ILs to expect the same in reverse. Tell your ILs (or ideally get your DH to), that the only way you could afford to visit your DPs every year was because they paid your airfares and subsidised you in other ways as well. Tell them that if you're footing the bill each time you visit the UK that in reality that means you will visit every x number of years and not every year, as you simply cannot afford an annual visit on your income. It's the only way to clear this issue up once and for all.

Floralnomad · 04/03/2018 11:39

You can’t afford to go , so you don’t go if they want to see you then they can come to visit you . BTW if you lived in the U.K. why did you get rid of all your cold weather clothes .

witchofzog · 04/03/2018 11:39

It is grabby if you expect them to pay for you. Why can't they come and visit you instead that way they are going somewhere different and paying for themselves only?

Didiusfalco · 04/03/2018 11:40

I’d just tell them that you can’t afford it and then see if/what they offer. If you still can’t afford it with a bit of help from them (assuming they offer) then you politely decline and invite them to visit.

Joysmum · 04/03/2018 11:41

They want us to go back to visit. How is it grabby if we can't afford it ourselves?

Ah right so you don’t want thim visit family when you’ve moved away from them.

Yes it is grabby to expect other to fund your choices. If people choose to then great but you are responsible for your own choices.

I say this as someone with both parents and grandparents who have relocated. We’d all never expect others to bankroll our choices.

snewsname · 04/03/2018 11:43

Only go if you can afford it or want to use your savings. It's up to them then, if they want to contribute or leave it.

boomboom1234 · 04/03/2018 11:44

Honesty is the best policy in this case. You need to tell them you can't afford it and ask if they could come to you or they wait for you to visit at a time that suits you financially.

Original poster

Fortunatelymine · 04/03/2018 11:44

They're def not going to visit us, they came to see us last year for a few days after an expensive holiday in the wider area.
So best bet is to put it off until we can save for it? I can imagine the comments now... And the fun of scrimping on everything else, not!

OP posts:

BrownTurkey · 04/03/2018 11:47

Establish together with DH what is affordable on an ongoing basis - maybe you all go one year, only DH the next. However, I think you will come across negatively (regardless of the money) if you saw your family annually but stand in the way of the same for DH.

snewsname · 04/03/2018 11:48

Don't make tyre rest of your life a misery trying to save. If your dh isn't too bothered about going, then it's just not a priority.

ChickenMom · 04/03/2018 11:49

Don’t go if you can’t afford it this year. Explain that you have used up all your savings so can save and come end of 2019. You have to be firm. Don’t spend what you don’t have or DH goes alone on a cheap flight

snewsname · 04/03/2018 11:51

They won't come across negatively if the pil realise they could only go because it didn't cost a lot. This needs to be pointed out in a factual way that isn't actually asking them to do the same, but points out that that you can't be expected to do the same now as financially it isn't possible. If you haven't got the money, or prefer to spend it on other things, that's life.

Alanna1 · 04/03/2018 11:53

You should just be honest - don’t ask them for money, but explain you can only afford to visit once every 2-3 years or whatever works for you, and that your oarents used to pay for it. Then invite then to visit you.

Original poster

Fortunatelymine · 04/03/2018 12:00

Suggest dh goes alone as family funds won't stretch to all.
Could do, but they want to see the DC.

Tell your ILs (or ideally get your DH to), that the only way you could afford to visit your DPs every year was because they paid your airfares and subsidised you in other ways as well.
They do know this. Fil has previously made a snide comment about my parents helping out.

BTW if you lived in the U.K. why did you get rid of all your cold weather clothes
Because we moved to a place where we don't need them, and DC have grown out of what we did bring! So did I. I got fatter.

It is grabby if you expect them to pay for you.
Suit yourself, I don't expect them to pay for everything, but airfare is massively expensive and they haven't said whether they're offering £50 or one plane ticket, for eg. This has a massive impact on what we could afford.

Yes it is grabby to expect other to fund your choices. If people choose to then great but you are responsible for your own choices.
I don't think you've understood. It's our choice not to go back. But their request that we do. Left to us visits would be maybe every three/four years, but dh would never tell them this as he has a tendency to avoid conflict. So I'm not expecting them to bankroll our choices at all.

as if you previously visited your DPs every year it's not unreasonable for your ILs to expect the same in reverse
A couple of years we couldn't afford it, so didn't visit. I would only think it reasonable for IL to expect the same if they were assisting at the same level. We can't magic extra money out of nowhere, and in the same vein, why should they expect us to spend more money on visiting them than we could afford on visiting my parents?

Thx to those who gave suggestions.

OP posts:

Joysmum · 04/03/2018 12:00

Alanna1 has it.

That’s all that’s ever happened in our family. We all visit when we can or offer to chip in for others when we can. We don’t have a sense of entitlement about it.

RandomMess · 04/03/2018 12:01

DH needs to tell them you just can't afford it at the moment and it will take a few years of saving

juneau · 04/03/2018 12:03

So they know already that you can't afford to visit and yet they expect you to come over anyway? Then they are being unreasonable, not you. You can only afford what you can afford and if that means visiting the UK every third or every fifth year then that's what you'll have to do. Since they already know your DPs helped out with travel costs then this news shouldn't come as a shock to them. And no, you shouldn't go without lots of stuff in order to afford travel, but putting aside what you can afford on a regular basis will hopefully allow to you visit them every now and again. If they're that eager to see their GC and have the money to do so then yes, they can visit you.

juneau · 04/03/2018 12:05

FWIW my MIL won't visit us (she lives OS), so she gets a visit when we have the time and money to do so, which is about every 2-3 years. She's able bodied and can afford to come here, so it's her choice not to do so.

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