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Original poster

WWYD - holidays, IL and money

49 replies

Fortunatelymine · 04/03/2018 11:23

NC as a sensitive situation, which I'm looking for opinions on ways of approaching, because I know dh won't sort it alone, and if I come out with my opinion directly, IL will get their backs up (as has previously happened on a few other occasions ).
Dh and I have DC, had lived in UK all our time together. His parents live there. Mine live abroad. We have visited most years, with them paying for one plane ticket, most of the food we eat, accommodation (as we stay with them) and an additional few weeks break while over there. They are by no means rich, and skimped on other things to enable us to visit (its v expensive to travel there and we don't have a great amount of spare money).
We moved to live in the same country, so it will be our turn to visit IL in UK this year. The only time dh can go is at the end of the year, so in addition to having even less money than usual due to moving, we'll have to buy coats and other cold weather clothes which we don't need otherwise apart from this trip. IL have said they will contribute to travel expenses and will book a short break somewhere, but haven't given any details. IL appear to be substantially better off than my parents going on their own spending, if that's relevant.
In my mind, it's such an expensive trip which is at their request (we're not that bothered about going back for a while yet, dh included) that it seems fair that they help with the same costs as my parents always did. I don't mean it in a grabby way,
but we simply don't have the money ourselves. But dh won't ask, and they haven't specified. I'm reluctant to say anything because it wouldn't go down well with anyone, but I'm very concerned about the cost, which would use all savings and mean we would be scrimping hard for the rest of the year.
How should I best approach it, and what do you think is a reasonable 'expectation' on either side? Thanks in advance.

OP posts:

LaContessaDiPlump · 04/03/2018 12:06

I think a straightforward 'We can't afford to come visit this year, sorry' is indicated. FWIW we can't afford to visit my dad in the ME and so he pays for our flights. I luffs my dad!

Original poster

Fortunatelymine · 04/03/2018 12:06

That's basically what we've said, but have been pressured into agreeing to visit, with the promise of a 'contribution', which hasn't been discussed. So we could end up booking tickets, paying for the majority of the break, on top of the clothes etc, and having to go way over budget and in debt simply because none of them will discuss money right now.

We don’t have a sense of entitlement about it.
And neither do I, despite how you are reading it.

OP posts:

Perendinate · 04/03/2018 12:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

blueskyinmarch · 04/03/2018 12:09

I guess your DH just needs to man up and tell his DP that you cannot afford to visit this year and leave the ball in their court. If they really want you all to go and can afford it they will pay. If they decide they do not want to fund the trip (which is also a valid decision) then you don't go. Don't leave yourself short of money to do this when you are not bothered about going anyway.

Original poster

Fortunatelymine · 04/03/2018 12:09

juneau makes sense to me. You don't guilt trip her, though, do you?

lacontessa that's good of him thank goodness for generous parents!

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 04/03/2018 12:10

Just say you can't afford it this year and could they visit you instead. Or your DH goes on his own. If I couldn't afford the travel I wouldn't go. I wouldn't expect the other people to pay for it. Nice if they offer but otherwise no.

LaContessaDiPlump · 04/03/2018 12:11

I agree! In Arab culture it's normal to keep helping your kids, even as adults. It's only in Britain (IME) that people get all 'OMG entitled!!' about it.

juneau · 04/03/2018 12:12

God no! It's her choice. I can't say I understand it, but she doesn't complain that we don't visit very often. She understands that visiting her is a big deal - it involves a lot of expense, a lot of planning and long flights for our DC. As they get older the travel becomes less of an issue, but the expense becomes more. But it is what it is. We visit when we can. DH encourages her to come, but has now accepted that she's a home body who doesn't want to be away from her dog - even to visit her DS and GC.

LaContessaDiPlump · 04/03/2018 12:12

Admittedly, NABALT (not all Brits are like that)....

ivykaty44 · 04/03/2018 12:15

Op it was suggested just dh goes to visit

You then say but PIL want to see dc

Then if that’s the case they won’t see dc if they don’t travel to see them

Sorry but if you can’t afford the trip - don’t go

ivykaty44 · 04/03/2018 12:17

And don’t book anything until PIL have let you know there contribution

Pannacott · 04/03/2018 12:25

'Sorry we can't afford to visit.

We'll give you some money. Can you book it now.

Thanks that's very kind. No, sorry we can't book it yet, how much can you give us?

Oh we'll discuss that later. Just book it now. When are you coming?

Sorry, we can't book anything until we know how much you can spare for us. If now's not a great time, we can hold off for a year or so, depending on how our finances plan out. We don't like to pressure you for money.

No we'll give you some money! We said we would! Just book it!

So sorry we really can't until we know how much you are planning to contribute. We can't afford it. Let's leave it for a few years.

But we're going to miss seeing the grandchildren!

You are very welcome to visit us, we'd love to have you. Otherwise, we'll visit in a few years.'

Etc etc. Broken record technique. Don't let them grind you down.

Pannacott · 04/03/2018 12:26

Also don't my book anything til you have the money in your account! Not just them saying they will give it to you.

SomeKnobend · 04/03/2018 12:35

Just tell them you can't afford to visit, if that's the case. It's not reasonable to expect them to contribute just because your parents did. Maybe postpone for 6 months to save more and visit in summer - if you want to. If you don't want to visit, just don't, be honest.

ArialAnna · 04/03/2018 12:42

What Pannacott said.

Tell them you need to know how much they can give you before you know whether you can afford the rest - that's just logical. Keep reiterating that you are very happy to host them or very happy to wait for another year when you can comfortably afford it yourselves. It isn't fair to put yourselves under any more financial strain than previous trips to your parents did, so if that means you only visit every 4 years or more so be it.

Perendinate · 04/03/2018 13:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HedwigHen · 04/03/2018 13:17

Broken records technique as Pannacott has very nicely illustrated.

If they do offer to pay most/all of the trip then definitely don't book anything until you have the money in the bank. I would work out exactly how much the trip is likely to cost you in total and be transparent about it. They may offer you £x but if it is going to cost £3x overall then hey really should know that you still need to find an additional £2x from somewhere - and can't for quite a while. Presumably it would be cheaper for them to visit you rather than pay for all of you to visit them?

Inertia · 04/03/2018 14:03

You can't book it until you have the money, and at the moment you don't have the money.

They can visit you,or they can wait until you've saved.

SundaysFunday · 04/03/2018 14:34

Dear IL
We have been looking at dates and flights for a possible trip to visit you, and it looks like flights for the whole family is going to cost £x unfortunately we don't have the money for a trip of that cost. We would like to suggest DH visit on his own this year, or alternatively we continue to save up and visit in 2019 instead. We are really disappointed as ourselves and the DC miss you and would love to visit, but we cannot see ourselves being able to raise this amount for a holiday in 2018.

TroubledLitchen · 04/03/2018 14:48

You DH needs to be honest with his parents and explain nicely that much as you’d all love to see them, things are tight at the moment and you sadly can’t afford it. If they are generous enough to offer to contribute then he needs to explicitly ask them how much and make it clear it’s not money grabbing but so you can make a decision as to whether or not you can afford the rest. If they don’t offer then you need to be gracious about it and let them know you’ll be able to visit as soon as finances improve/the following year once you have chance to save.

As for the coats, is there anyone you could borrow them off? You obviously know them better but I doubt the ILs would object if you gave them your sizes and asked them to pick some cheap coats from a discount store, especially if you offered to pay them back (this would likely be a lot cheaper than trying to source winter coats in a hot country where they’re not needed).

Also would your DH going alone with the DC be an option? One less adult airfare to pay for would save a considerable sum.

SandyY2K · 04/03/2018 15:38

I really don't understand such demanding parents like this.

They know you can't afford afford it but yet they still demand you come over. It's very unreasonable of them.

I'd say you can't book the tickets until they clarify what they will contribute...or better still...say you can't afford it and sit put.

AJPTaylor · 04/03/2018 15:42

so what did you and dh agree when moving? presumably you had a discussion about visiting uk how often and how it would be paid for

Original poster

Fortunatelymine · 04/03/2018 20:04

AJP no, strangely enough, there were many other things to discuss at this point, but that wouldn't have stopped us coming, so wasn't brought up. Possibly we didn't realise the whole impact of such a big undertaking on our immediate financial situation.
Good idea re coats troubled. We don't know anyone to borrow from near IL, but maybe they would look for us. Only other option is to get something not as good here and hope DC don't grow out of them before we go.
This was all so much more straightforward with my parents, but dh and his parents seem not to communicate as easily, dh seems embarrassed to talk about money and the lack of. I can see we need to cost the whole thing, then possibly work out a savings plan to see what we're up against. Not as straightforward as I'd like with changing exchange rates and tickets being more expensive the closer it gets ie the longer we leave it. Mind you, thinking about it, december will no doubt be peak rate anyhow due to xmas. Grr.
Anyway, best prepare to be seen as the selfish grabby DIL and have the conversation with dh. Thanks all!

OP posts:

TroubledLitchen · 04/03/2018 20:52

I know the feeling Fortunately, we live abroad and both sets of parents live a long haul flight away, although not in a sane country as each other. I find it so easy to communicate with my folks but DH’s family is another story and it drives me potty how difficult it is!! It gets bloody cold where we are though so at least we don’t have the coat dilemma.

Good luck, make sure your DH explains everything properly and doesn’t let you take the stick as and end up as the bad guy.

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