Is this how it's supposed to be after 14 years?

[DollyRose102]

I am married to a man who is in all respects a good and descent guy. We have two DS and he provides for us financially (I have a low paid job which fits around the kids school).

I just feel very unsettled at the moment and have done on and off for the last couple of years, although have been trying to bury these feelings!

We get on well but he is happy staying in all weekend whereas I would like to go out and make new experiences and socialise, both with the kids and us as a couple. A typical weekend would be a Friday night in (with him commenting on how perfect it is being home all together ), followed by a Saturday of him on the sofa with the boys and maybe a trip to the park. Same thing Saturday night and then Sunday chores and errands mainly done by me while he is with DS.

I do suggest going out and he will agree but in a way that I know he would be happier at home which makes me feel disappointed in his lack of enthusiasm.

Sexually, I used to still fancy him however, he tends to knock me back a lot if i instigate sexual contact (even a slightly passionate kiss!) If it was down to him I think we would have sex about once a month which for me isn't enough. I think this has had a knock on affect on how I feel towards him in terms of fancying him.

I know I am lucky to have a loyal DH and a stable relationship but am craving that intimacy and fun and sexual spark! I think that he is getting older before his time and that's just not me... lots of people would tell me that the sexual side of things fades and the friendship is what makes a relationship last but I feel like I want to feel alive!

I hope I don't sound like a teenager, hopefully I don't have my head in the clouds here- just wondered if anyone else feels the same?

I think you need to just go ahead and organise or book some days out and date nights and stir him up a bit. It's easy to settle into a comfy routine and stop bothering with going out, etc,. I'm quite comfy with every Saturday night in and quiet weekends but am mindful that this isn't always good for us as a couple longterm so often suggest spur of the moment outings. If we discussed it much, my husband would probably say an evening in is fine but after we've been out he comments on what a good time he had. I'm generally the instigator/organiser but I don't mind. Recently we've had friends & their children over for a games night, had a spur of the moment meal out with friends, booked a gin tasting together and had a winter picnic with flasks of soup and a walk. We're 20 years in but I think that if after 14 years you feel a little unsetted that making some changes now would be a good thing? Hope this helps!

I ace s theory that, once in a relationship, men turn into their dads. So those with active outgoing fathers are keen to 'do' things, those whose fathers 'pottered' from an early age will be the same.
Is he like his dad, OP?

Thanks for your replies

@funmummy48 I have suggested and do arrange things, we are out this Friday arranged my me. Just missing the 'spark' and spontaneity I guess. Love the things that you have planned - a Winter picnic sounds so much fun! I like things like that, we have a chiminea and have asked him to come and sit by that and drink hot chocolate with me but he says it's too cold - haha just me and the kids then!!

@Zaphodsotherhead this made me smile, he would hate to think that he is like his Dad and often comments on how his Dad doesn't want to do anything and how he feels sorry for his Mum but in answer to your question, yes he is like him... more and more over time!

Then maybe you could point that out to him? Might just make him think...

Sorry Dolly this was me. I ended up feeling isolated - his idea of socialising was going to his parents for Sunday lunch or to Tesco for the weekly shopping. Going away was either with his parents or to his family. I'd book tickets for things and he'd decide last minute he couldn't come so I'd end up taking someone else or missing it

I in the end as my D.C. were older, to go back to uni to train for a career - it gave me new found confidence - I made friends and realised that there was more. We are now getting divorced - instigated by me. It's not easy but I feel much more freedom and have things to look forward to

I think funmummy has nailed it. Just organise some stuff, don't make a massive deal out of it, though. I'm a bit like your OH tbh, I love my DSs & being at home. When a planned event approaches, I get a bit antsy & anxious but I know what I'm like so I try to just get past that & we generally end up having a nice time. He's probably got some underlying confidence issues imho but that shouldn't mean you go without fun.

When we were younger we had the energy levels to still do a lot of stuff. Also I'm classed as disabled so I'm limited now so do have to be careful with what I do and can't go hill walking all weekend anymore which makes me really sad and frustrated sometimes. We used to just chuck DS in a backpack and do it. I taught DS how to climb trees properly when I was 42.

But there are still museums that can be visited, more gentle walks, dinners by ourselves or with friends. Do you do things with friends without him? I spent the day in a city close by to me recently with a friend. We went to a museum and to lunch.

My DH has always been more of a home bird when he can but he has a job that means he travels abroad quite often and in the past he was away for months. He also did physically demanding stuff like canoe down the Amazon and trek through jungles.

I really miss my old life and have enforced pottering, DH embraces it. We could do a lot till I was 48 and unwell.

Have you really explained how you feel to him?

I think im in the minority here but would be really irritated by my partner wanting a 'passionate kiss' ie loads of tongue and an obvious precursor to sex.
Or someone going on about 'spark' years later. I am happy in the middle age plod stage. Don't want to rip anyones clothes off in fact that would make me dread going to bed.
I dont understand the need for lots of sex but think you need to do something. Would socialising say every staurday as a routine help?

@starlightafar I said 'slightly passionate' kiss- obviously not going to start any tongue action with two DS around, they'd be traumatised!! I'm not expecting to be going at it on the kitchen table but once a month isn't enough for me personally. I've just turned 37 so maybe that will change as I get older.

@Zaphodsotherhead I have mentioned this. I will do again!

@Blushingm funny as I am also at uni now! Good for you! It does definitely give me more confidence.

I want my children to be brought up with our family unit together if possible and I do try and plan things for us to do. Am not expecting amazing, expensive trips etc but I like a bit of spontaneity. Often friends will ask us to meet up and he often finds negative reasons not to. I do go out with my friends but most of them are married and with their families and doing things together, would be nice to join them as a family.

@Peanutbuttercheese yes I have explained. He takes it all in and for a while might plan something. The last two things we have planned we had to cancel, once due to circumstances that can't be helped and once because he was ill (he didn't look after himself when he was feeling unwell).
He's currently in his usual position on the sofa watching MOTD!

OP you sound a lot like me and your DH sounds very like mine too except we are older got married later, had children later so we are both in our early fifties and have been married 17 years.
Except my DH is the one that initiates the sex. I have gone off it in the last 5 years. I am ok when I get going but I need a lot of persuasion to get in the mood.
He is fine plodding along but if I go at his pace weekends feel a lot like being in a care Home mainly sat in a chair watching TV. He’ll do something if I suggest it but after all these years I am bored with being party leader and he never seems that keen and seems like he’s going under sufferance a lot of the time. Some times he says he actually enjoyed that like he’s surprised anything would be as much fun as Miss Marple or Poirot repeats on a Saturday afternoon. I would like him to do a bit of planning and want to treat me and spoil me and ya have some fun and couple time together.
I have told him all this several times and I have recently started doing more exercise and going out more with various friends on my own. In fact I did a similar post recently. Following on from suggestions on this I had another chat with him and suggested we book a day off work together and have some couple time, or book a sitter and have a night out. He agreed I asked when would be good and what he would like to do got no feedback and nothing happened.

Fair enough op. Whats a slightly passionate kiss though lol

@Hellsbellscockleshells totally agree with your point about planning and being made to feel special. I guess it's maybe not important to everybody but it is to me and if that conversation has been had with a significant other and they still aren't doing it then it does beg the question of whether they can be bothered

@starlightafar just a kiss on the lips and maybe a little hug. Sometimes I will go to hug him and then kiss him and he will literally be staring over my shoulder and I feel like he's just waiting for me to stop and let go (maybe in case I try and make a move- heaven forbid )

@DollyRose102 mine did the same when it came to meeting up with my friends - always excuses like he has tummy ache or his parents are expecting us etc

We were together 18 years

@Blushingm the thing is that he says that he wouldn't want us to split and that he will make more effort and it doesn't happen. Maybe he can't change and that's fine but just not sure if i can spend the rest of my life like this you know? I do wonder if he would be better with someone more like-minded and we joke about it sometimes. He's happy going along like this I guess....

@DollyRose102 Mine was too - it came as a shock to him that I just wasn't happy - he would say he'd make more effort and he thought he was but nothing changed - I just came to the end of my tether - I didn't want the next 40 years to be the same

DollyRose102 Have you put weight on recently changed your look or has he put weight on or could he be having problems downstairs or could he be seeing someone else? I know what you mean about needing a bit of spoiling, excitement and to feel loved and cherished. DH is still making advances towards me I think he is just really knackered and wants to veg out in front of the TV at home as his work is stressful, full on and involves a fair bit of travel so he is out of the house 13 hours a day midweek so on a weekend he just wants to chill and do very little. Yet this isn’t really enough for me (week nights, weekends every time and all the time).

@Hellsbellscockleshells I look pretty much how I did when we first met (maybe a few more lines!) He could be seeing someone else but I doubt it unless he sneaks off during lunch breaks. I sort all the money so not sure how he'd wine and dine someone without me seeing the bills but never say never!
He does work hard, up Town, leave early, rarely in before 7pm. However, i also work, study, do most of everything else with the kids etc.
Maybe I'm being unrealistic in my expectations? Like I said he's a good man, great Dad, reliable, faithful (as much as I know anyway) etc.

You feel lucky having a man that supports his family, sorry but big deal, that's nothing; he also needs to engage with you as a partner so yes going out, date nights, visits to places all help to bond you as a couple as well as give you something to talk about.

He sounds really boring, I'd not be able to continue with this, it's all on his terms; you need to tell him you either do things as a couple and a family or else you don't see a future; you're not asking for much!

If he's not interested in sex would he consider opening the relationship so you could find a FWB arrangement?

My best mate did that about 10 years ago with her H. It took time to get to a point where everyone was happy that their needs were being met, but it works brilliantly now. He is much happier now that he doesn't feel under pressure to "perform". She is happy that she's not constantly feeling rejected and unfuckable.

How is his health? Does he feel tired? Might he worth ruling out physical issues as well.

Found your thread Dolly... we just need them to wake up if they can! If they can’t see it when we spell it out and encourage them, then I for one am starting to think our choices are limited! I’m 100% with you. It is not too much to ask.

Actually I think having a man who supports his family is worth its weight in gold. I think FWB wouldn't be the right move here. I would ask him to seek some kind of support though, if he hasn't always been like it. If he has then its unlikely to change.