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Original poster

Being manipulated out of divorcing DH?

29 replies

WishfulWanderer · 03/03/2018 22:13

Some of you have seen my other threads. It's taken me a long time to accept and realise how awful my marriage is. I have decided to ltb. He's buying me presents everyday and being his best, but this is exactly how he has been, eventually gets nasty, mean to me and dcs.
Because he's made me feel so unsure of my self I want to ask you ladies what you think of his view. He says the past (our relationship) was not that bad as I am making it, he's called me by the c word many a time. He said:
"Its your past, your childhood, which is very bad not us two, it's the cause of all our problems"
"Most men would run from you, I didn't, it won't help you to run"
Just to put into perspective, my past is that my family died in accident when I was a kid, yes it was understandably traumatic. Since then I've have had lot of success in life, been to university twice, have a successful career, lots of friends (he has none, unsociable), never had any mental health issues until this year felling depressed.
So to me it seems like he's trying to manipulate me again.
What you think?
Thank you

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 03/03/2018 22:28

Run.

You know he’s manipulative and he’s doing it again.

For the love of god get out as fast as you can. And be careful - he sounds desperate and desperate people are unpredictable. Just stay safe, ok?

Viviennemary · 03/03/2018 22:34

I don't know lthe background. But if you come to the point of having decided you definitely want to be divorced and that is the best way forward then you should not be manipulated out of it by him buying presents and so on. It's an insult really I'd say.

lottiegarbanzo · 03/03/2018 22:38

Why he is talking only about you, not himself?

How does your past explain his horrible behaviour? (Clue: it doesn't).

NotLinkedInSnowedIn · 03/03/2018 22:43

Yes that is very manipulative.

You have the right to want out. He is bullying you into sublimating your own desire to end the relationship. He's using your childhood against you. Bulldozing over your wishes instead of respecting them. He buys you a few presents and then quickly gets angry with you when his attempts to make you go back to normal and behave don't work. He isn't listening to you. He just wants this whole divorce nonsense to be forgotten about and he's cross with you for bringing it up repeatedly when he doesn't want one. He'll be the one to decide if he's divorcing you, right?! You're not going to be allowed to make that decision.

Except if you stay on course and don't get drawn in to defending your decision to him, he can't stop you.

Original poster
WishfulWanderer · 03/03/2018 22:45

He says he's never been horrible and denise ever having said and done horrible things to me. He says I've somehow made them up or that something else happened but I've exaggerated it. He's accused me of being in an amateur porn video. Wtf.

OP posts:
Poshindevon · 03/03/2018 22:48

Run for the hills or a divorce lawyer straight away. Do not listen to him.
Its your life, live it how you want, not how your manipulative husband tells you.

NotLinkedInSnowedIn · 03/03/2018 22:49

He sounds like a toxic narcissist.

Again, he will be the judge of whether or not he was horrible to you. You cannot be the judge of that even though you were on the receiving end of it!

I recommend keeping your statements non-accusatory and very simple. Try to think of what cannot be argued with. That's VERY hard with this type of man who will argue with everything.

But for example ''This is over''. ''I don't love you''. No blame. No defense either, even though accusing you of being in a porn video is ludicrous. There's no point wasting your energy defending yourself.

PickAChew · 03/03/2018 22:51

Presents only cost money, not love.

Keep it up. You don't want to be married to him, so don't stay married to him.

lottiegarbanzo · 03/03/2018 22:51

Well just laugh at him, ignore him or walk out of the room.

You don't have to listen. You don't have to explain yourself to anyone.

'That's interesting dear' and ignore. Could that work?

Prestonsflowers · 03/03/2018 22:53

I’m new to Mumsnet but one phrase I’ve learned is Gaslighting, please look it up.
If you feel that you’re being manipulated then you probably are.
Please don’t fall for the lies and untruths

RandomMess · 03/03/2018 22:55

Absolutely gaslighting you, RUN

HappyintheHills · 03/03/2018 22:57

it doesn't matter what his memory is, if you want out that's enough.

bastardkitty · 03/03/2018 23:00

He's definitely gaslighting you and what a cunt for exploiting the tragedy that happened in your childhood to try and make you doubt yourself. Divorce him and live the happy life you deserve.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 03/03/2018 23:06

You want to know if we also think he is being manipulative?

What's the alternative explanation? Is it that all of your memories are false? His memory is correct, yours is wrong? Even if your memories are of your feelings then the memory doesn't count because you are wrong to feel how you feel? Thus you must let him behave in ways that make you feel bad because you are being silly to feel bad.

Even if you were the world's most fucked up person, getting offended at normal behaviour, that does not mean you have to stay with him. In fact, it would signal that you should 100% cut him loose, then stay single until you've had successful therapy.

Of course he is manipulating you. Even his own twisted logic makes fuck all sense.

Can you stop receiving these rants from him somehow?

Original poster
WishfulWanderer · 03/03/2018 23:17

Thanks for your thoughts ladies, its really helping me.
I have read about gaslighting snd though I feel he's manipulative I'm not sure, there's a part of me that wonders if I've got it wrong. So I can't even tell if he is gas lighting. But something's I know for sure, like him refusing to take me to hospital when I was in labour and becoming aggressive shouting at me, until midwife called and told him he had to bring me, he swore at me the whole way. When we got there he was completely different caring rubbing my back, scary. I know this to be a fact from my maternity notes. So then I think yes I haven't exaggerated he is a epic c*nt.

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 03/03/2018 23:28

He sounds horrific. You sound great and really normal. You'll be fantastic without him. Just think of the blissful tranquility you can enjoy, without him there bothering you.

NotLinkedInSnowedIn · 03/03/2018 23:39

He is. And you don't have to PROVE that he's an epic cunt in a court of law to be allowed to leave. Nor do you have to defend your right to leave him.

He will do his level best to make you believe that you don't have the right to leave him and that you're nuts to consider it, but trust your gut.

Even if he weren't a bastard, you could still leave.

PickAChew · 03/03/2018 23:51

If you are not enjoying your life with him then you are not enjoying it. It doesn't matter what his intentions are, he can't tell you that you are not feeling what you are feeling.

Original poster
WishfulWanderer · 03/03/2018 23:54

I also think that saying to me that most men would run (which I do not believe) is like he is saying my worth is null. Belittling me to make me self doubt, and stay stuck with him.
No. I don't think so.

OP posts:
NotLinkedInSnowedIn · 04/03/2018 00:02

Your worth isn't measured by what some random man who might be out there.

YOU get to measure your worth. And it will probably take a bit of time to get your self-worth back up to where it should be after you get rid of him but the self-efficacy of making the decision to split is the first step in raising your self-esteem. because feeling that we have power over our own life is really strongly linked to a healthy self-esteem!

So make the decision and follow through and then work on restoring yourself. x

VladmirsPoutine · 04/03/2018 00:18

Run like the fucking wind. And don't ever stop to look back.

SandyY2K · 04/03/2018 01:29

He sounds terrible and if he thinks most men would run...He should be jumping for joy shouldn't he.

You know he's saying that to make you think you should be grateful to him and that you can't do any better.

Well shouting at you while in labour and calling you the C word ..is more than enough reason to leave him.

He just can't believe you've gained the strength to leave and can see through his manipulation.

I agree that it's not worth arguing. Simply say you've come to the end of the road with him and you believe it's in everyone's best interest (you, him and the kids) to coparent in separate homes.

ohfourfoxache · 04/03/2018 01:52

Don’t you dare back out of divorcing this prick - you will have an angry mob of MNetters to deal with if you do

He is gas lighting. You’ve got a unanimous answer here - we can’t all be wrong

mehhh · 04/03/2018 02:29

Hope you are okay op Thanks
You deserve better x

OnTheEdgeOfSomething · 04/03/2018 07:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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