From perfect relationship to wanting to end it in 3 weeks

[GloriousDolores]

Sorry if this turns out lo g and boring...

I think it's probably a 'rough patch' and the 'incidents' probably sound minor but I feel really strange like I might just have changed the way I view him irreparably. It just doesn't sit right.

Been together 4 years, lived together 2. I have DD from previous who is 7. DP has recently bought a business, which I am involved in to a small extent. He and DD get along brilliantly almost all the time.

Bit of background - 1.5 years ago, I caught him messaging on a porn site. He insisted it was just porn to him, I felt the messaging crossed a line and he'd lied a lot about it so we split for a week or so. Since then, he's always been transparent, when it comes to that anyway. I dont think he really does transparent as it turns out.

Started a few weeks ago when I was looking through his emails to find something work related and something caught my eye. He'd set up an account on a credit score website in my name to credit check me. We'd been talking about buying house. I've had financial difficulties due to divorce in last five years and spoke of how I was worried about my credit. So he looked but never told me he had. I didnt like that at all, so we rowed.

Last week he didnt tell me that nearly 3,000 had been taken out of our bank account by mistake (true, it's being put back). When I found out, I'd been asking him about finances but he lied about it and then when I found out he'd known about this way before I did, he lied about knowing. Not just once, but denied it til he was blue in the face and I didn't understand why.

And today, he's been telling me I need to be firmer with DD. She's a very good and easy kid, often described to me as a 'delight' by independant, unbiased adults. Six year olds can be annoying though obviously, and this morning she was talking in a baby voice and nagging me to get out of bed (I am so not a morning person). He told her off a couple of times. He wasn't technically wrong but it wasn't really necessary. Afterwards he told me he felt bad. I said not to worry she's fine. But I also told him he's been a little quicker to annoy latey, which I know is due to over work and tiredness, but over the weekend maybe try and reset with her.

He then told he was just trying to set ground rules as he feels she needs structure and boundaries. Oh and apparently he's been doing research lately and babytalk is a 'serious issue', as is her too strong attachment to me. He has never shared this advice or even the fact he felt there were issues.

I'm now thinking he's hardwork and I wondering what the fuck is going on in his head.

Yes - because it's better to be the nice man who waited for you at the supermarket than to admit he couldn't be arsed going to the park! And obviously, you secretly expected him to wait and if he hadn't you'd have 'kicked off' in all sorts of femaleish ways!

I can actually imagine DP pulling that. He has actually cancelled plans before now, telling me it was because he thought I needed help with something or that he could now come along with me to something. And when I've told him in no uncertain terms to go and do what he had planned, and that he's not neglect his friends for me, he's admitted he didn't want to go in the first place. Well just say so then!!

Indeed, and for h it was also an opportunity for him to show the DTs that I’m horrible to him and stop him doing what he wants. DTS never notices (he has AS traits) but DTD is so upset by it all she started saying she doesn’t want to go to his house as much and is tired and fragile when she’s seen him because she feels responsible for sorting it all out after being put in the middle by him.

He used to say to them all the time that he spent all the time they weren’t with him being sad and missing them but every time they tried to skype him he’d be out with his friends and couldn’t talk. I, by contrast, have to be available to take over whenever it is his time because he ‘can’t cope’ with various things and so the last time I saw any of my friends was months ago.

Vivienne, TBF the money did genuinely go missing. Long story, but it was to do with an energy company taking it out of our business account in error. I dealt with it and the money has been returned.

The issue with that situation was, this happened on a Thursday and DP found out on the same day. I was asking questions re finances over the weekend and he lied about it.

He finally told me the money had been taken out on Monday, because he didn't think he could get it back and we were in the shit. He said, he'd only just found out.

I late find correspondence which shows he's been trying to deal with the issue Thursday/Friday. So he'd lied over the weekend. I ask him when he found out, he maintains Monday. I tell him, he's lying and he denied and denied. Until I tell him what I've seen and he admits that he knew but hadn't wanted to worry me.

The fact I deal with most money issues and I was the one who then went on to prove the energy company was wrong and get us the money back, just goes to prove it doesn't make any sense why he didn't tell me. It was just pointless.

🙄 what it proves is that his idea of masculine and feminine roles is more important to him than the business being in the shit TBH!

It seems to be the crux of it!

I think I know what the stalling about the £3k was about. He was hoping he could divert it so that it was repaid, but into his account. I bet I'm not wrong (not that he's ever going to admit it).

Not to be harsh OP but WAKE UP!!

You are deep in it, thinking and questioning every thing he says, what it means, is he being fair/unfair, constantly allowing him to come with you places you don't wont him to come because you'd like to go on your own.... he is controlling you, manipulating you, he's a liar, he will never change.

Regardless if he was battered black and blue by his mother, if anything in his behaviour now affects you this negatively and take up so much of your mental headspace, it's time to end it.

He's starting to show you who he really is OP. Get out now, honestly.

He's also, under the guise of what is 'womens'' areas of expertise and what is 'mens', manouvering you out of the position of remaining in the know and/or in charge of financial decisions and then obfuscating with all sorts of made up bullshit about this money.

That's my view anyway. I think he's potentially quite a risk to you and to your daughter in a number of ways.

Wrong thread. Sorry.

I see your point Doin. I don't feel controlled, just frustrated, I was never bothered if he came, just mystified why he thought I would be.

The lies in the last few weeks have made me see he's not what I thought he was. The way I feel about him has changed.

I can't end it today because it will cause a big fall out and lots of concerns for my DF re the loan. I need to sort out a few things first, which will take a couple of weeks, but yes, I've seen the light.

No worries @SandyY2K

If he is really stressed it may be he is lying to avoid having long explanations as happened with the missing money. It sounds as if his business might not be going too well, or he is finding it a lot harder than he thought it would, and so is trying to get a bit more 'control' over things he can control. I wouldn't call time on the relationship over what you've mentioned. What I might do is suggest some relationship counselling to redraw the boundaries. Getting a credit report on you without permission is an example for me that is overstepping the boundary. If you have been ok up to now, and it sounds as if your relationship has been happy, particularly with him and your daughter, think about you both putting a bit of work in to get it back on track. Relationship do change and don't remain the same, and they do sometimes need a little work to stay on track.

Did you ever get to the bottom of the porn messaging issue op? How was that resolved?

What loan from DF, did I miss that?

No one is saying you should 'leave today' but there are red flags. Sometimes we don't feel we're being controlled yet we are. It's a gradual process that happens over a fairly long period of time usually.

I picked up that the stress re starting the business may be affecting this too. I think it’s more worrying not less though, particularly when combined with the gender roles stuff and the not being able to distinguish OP from his mother and his ex.

I read ‘coercive control’ by Evan Stark recently and he puts forward a really good argument that since women gained greater equality in the public sphere gendered abuse has shifted away from physical violence (he argues this was used to bring women into line with structurally oppressive rules applied from outside the home) and more towards coercive control inside intimate relationships where violence is minor or doesn’t happen at all but where it does is regular but infrequent and the main feature of the abuse is actually the destruction of the woman’s ability to make use of greater equality in the public sphere.

He makes a really good point that since industrialisation and women working outside the home (and increasing political equality) there has been an observable phenomenon of men trying to make up for various losses of power and privilege or insecurity in income or working conditions by taking it out on women in intimate relationships.

The imposition of responsibilities (by men in relationships) on women for placating and soothing those men who are stressed about economic insecurity related to industrialisation, and making them safe to be in society, has become a personal price to be paid for women having greater rights in public. This is now reinforced from outside the home - ‘he’s stressed at work, let him relax’

There is evidence that this has actually been promoted to working class men (historically) as compensation for their low status in the hierarchy of paid work and has now become a ‘normal’ part of what is considered to be ‘women’s work’ along with things like child care, care for the community, care for sick or elderly relatives, domestic work, cooking, the mental load.

So, clearly and obviously there is some issue with just blindly accepting that controlling behaviour linked to stress at work is not a big issue.

No one is saying you should 'leave today' but there are red flags.

I feel like I want to. And I feel like I probably would have if it wasn't for my DF. I feel very sensitive to the dishonesty. The way I see him has changed. After the porn messaging saga, I told him if there was any more dishonesty, I would end it for good. I don't want to be a pushover.

Jon I'm pretty involved in the business, not on a daily basis because I run my own, but I know what goes on with it, I can always find out anyway and he knows that. It's generally going OK, we expected a tough couple of months but it's gone better than expected. He is overworked tho, so that's why I gave him allowances for being a bit less tolerant of DD's 6-year-old-isms at first.

Ruddy He just said he saw it as porn, not crossing any lines. I'd asked to borrow his phone, he got very jumpy so I suspected him of cheating. I didn't care that much if he used porn but to me, the messaging overstepped the mark. He lied and lied and lied because he thought I would dump him for using porn. In the end, I dumped him because of how much he'd lied and because of the interaction and messages. We got back together after he said he saw my point about my boundaries and agreed to total transparency.

Doin we were selling some things to finance buying the business. We were let down by a buyer. DF lent us the money to cover it as there was slim chance of selling it again before Christmas. We're hoping it'll go again in the next month.

I read your first post OP and some of the subsequent ones, but not all so apologies if any of this has already been discussed.
Your posts have struck a chord with me as my lovely DH is to an extent like yours.
I have had so many times where a letter has arrived about a debt that I have known nothing about, or a situation that he has said that he's dealt with but it turns out he hasn't bothered and we have been chased for money or had issues because of it. Secret spending, issues with transparency over finances or other situations etc.
I've never had any issues over his parenting though, so I can't comment on that side of things.
These instances happened with my DH for years, it got to the point where I would have to check all the post, and be vigilant with everything so as to catch the next thing that he had/hadn't done. At quite a few points I thought I was done with it all, but we have babies etc. and of course I do love him dearly so I always ended up staying.
Things got to a head when he got into trouble at work and didn't tell me until he had been suspended and I found out via a letter from his work. At this point he basically had a break down.
I had always had the 'sorry' and 'I don't know why I did it' answers whenever I had caught him out, but this was different and a turning point for him.
I sent him to the GP and he had CBT to try and unravel everything. Turns out he was having more issues than he let himself believe and let me believe, and it did take us quite a while to move forward. He is now a changed man though, and on the odd occasion something little will happen, but he is trying very hard.
I just wanted to let you know all of this in case you are not 100% about jumping ship and wanted perspective from someone who has stayed with their partner after stuff like this has happened.
My DH had essentially created his own coping strategies and reality that fitted in with the way he was feeling at the time. Of course I can't say whether other people like your partner are not just being horrid with no underlying cause when they act in the same way though! sorry if this is all waffle!

Men and women often lie to protect their partner or because they feel embarrassed about something or to avoid conflict. It is not ideal but it does happen and it doesn't sound as if any serious harm was done (except you don't trust him any more). Are we not all, or have we not all been, liars?
As for your daughter, may be he has a point? If you are a long-term partner you do need to be able to say if you think a child's behaviour is off or could be better, don't you? Or at least able to discuss it? Is researching it so bad? Or is a step-dad or step-boyfriend really expected to never say anything which could be deemed critical of his partner's child?

None of this will make me popular but just breaking up over this sounds a bit over the top to me. Try listening to each other non-critically - the wooden spoon often works. Who holds the spoon talks and the other listens and then summarises what the spoonholder said, before replying (holding said spoon), etc.