When do you know it's over

[Reflection1]

NC for this, long time poster.
I know this topic has been done to death on here, I participated in the 'too good to leave, too bad to stay' and similar threads but wanted to start my own as I feel in turmoil at the moment (and have for some time). MN has been an absolute lifeline for me in the past and any advice on my situation will be so appreciated.

My husband and I have been together for 9 years, married for 1, 1dc primary age. It hasn't been smooth sailing, with ups and downs like any couple but gradually year on year the 'down' times have outweighed the ups and the balance has tipped.

Before we married I had real doubts, which I realise I pushed aside as I just didn't feel ready to break up our family and felt so guilty at the thought of the impact on our DC who was looking forward to the wedding, loves dad, is happy and settled. I guess I almost thought, well I've come this far, our lives are intertwined, mortgage, child etc and I'm not willing/don't feel able to split at this time so "might as well go ahead".
I now see how wrong this was, as when I think of being together the next 30+ years it makes me die inside.

We had our DC pretty soon after meeting, DC has additional needs and I think as this consumed our attention so completely, this was our main focus and we didn't consider enough, how incompatible we really are. When I look back over these last years I feel I've almost sleepwalked through it.

H, while he has many good qualities, has quite a difficult personality, quite addictive (excess alcohol which has been a real issue), he is also moody, quite distant emotionally, which in time has caused me too to become emotionally cut off from him to the point I find him incredibly irritating and nauseating (for example his personal habits which are pretty gross). I don't show this but feel it daily and I'm glad when he's not home

Writing this down makes me realise how bleak this is. I just feel such a fool to suggest a split so soon after marrying him, in hindsight I am only with him for DC and should have separated years ago.

I don't know what I'm asking really but thanks if you got through that ramble.

There will never be a good time to split OP. The better time would have been before the wedding, sure, but the second best time is now!

"I now see how wrong this was, as when I think of being together the next 30+ years it makes me die inside."

Oh god, you have to end it. You are worth so much more. Do you tend to put yourself last in other areas? I can't imagine going through with a relationship that made me unhappy for literal years let alone cementing it with a wedding. Why do you think it's taken this long to face up to it needing to end? Do you think you're finally ready now?

PS is he unhappy too? I can't imagine he's delighted being with someone who almost definitely can't hide that she doesn't even like him.

It doesn't really matter though does it. Ending a relationship is the one time in a relationship when it doesn't require consent from both parties. You have a right not to be with someone you don't want to be with.

Thanks for replying limon, much appreciated. To answer your question yes,I probably do have a tendency to put myself last and prior to this relationship I can say with hindsight I stayed far too long in those relationships.

As for him I think he would plod on and on..he's not very perceptive and I think he frames some of my issues as 'just get on with it'. He has a successful career, numerous hobbies, me carrying him at home (I work too, his lack of contribution at home has long been a bone of contention) so on balance I think he's pretty ok with the status quo. I try to discuss things with him, will explain my views then ask does he have a repsonse, and he will say no not really, and quite literally walk away. His dad is the same - very closed off, doesn't 'do' feelings and in laws have an (in my view) pretty odd relationship. I can see us going the same way and at 36, with many years ahead it scares me.

In my heart I feel ready to go but in my head it's the deep shame of the break up so soon after the wedding, the practicalities, our debts and so on and so on.

I can see I really need to come to a conclusion on this as this limbo is no good at all.

Previous relationships* that is

They do say the first year of marriage is the hardest.

Do you think he may have Asbergers? If he did, would that make his lack of engagement easier to bear?
It is pretty shit to be left with all the domestics and without emotional support, but if you were to try a different approach could that help? Would he respond to a formal & routine outline of tasks? Don't ask him to tell you his feelings if it's something he can't articulate.
If you knew it wasn't you or.him being selfish etc would that make a difference?

Diamond - they do indeed, again I give myself this as a reason to hang on, wait it out, things will get better... Then I wonder, have I in fact been doing that for the majority of the relationship, due to the fact we have DC together? What I can say for definite, is that I know with certainty we would not be together if we hadn't had a child.

I've wondered about Asperger's before, chicken, I have in depth knowledge of this (through my profession) and I think it's v unlikely. I think its personality plus upbringing. I'm not qualified to diagnose but I do really doubt he meets criteria.

If you find him disgusting, it's time to go. I don't think there's any way back from that.

It might be a shock for people so soon after getting married but it also might not be. They may be expecting it and holding back from telling you what they really think. It is also none of their business.

Once you've made the decision to go, you will feel a relief. Keep busy with the practicalities. Life may well be worse before it gets better, but it will get better

When you dread them coming home.
When you dread going home because you're there
When you enjoy being away from them more than with them
When you don't find them attractive anymore
When the things that used to attract you now repulse you
When you daydream of another life or envy other peoples lives
For me, it was the lack of taking responsibility and the knowing I couldn't rely on him and neither could my DCs. I resented him, I didn't want to help him (he wanted me to teach him a hobby). Home didn't feel like home. I enjoyed my DCs more than him.
I knew when I married mine that I didn't love him.
Please leave.
And why does every 'detatched' man have to have Aspergers??!

Thank you so much to all for your responses.
And starlight it's such a help to hear from someone who's been through this. How long after marrying did you separate? And kids ages? How did you tell them/ manage the situation?
Unfortunately a lot of what you list there feels very familiar.

My kids were between 8-11.
He was abusive so they were relieved. We divorced 2.5 years after marrying (but had been together on and off for 12).
Kids pick up on an unhappy atmosphere. Mine were always in their bedrooms. They were unhappy. Now they're where they are comfortable.
Best decision I ever made. I'm on my own and it's hard but my home is a home and we are all free and happy.
You know when it's over but try and convince yourself it isn't.

I could of wrote this myself. Been married 18 months 2 girls together i ha e 2 older children from a previous relationship and for me it's just not working anymore. He would happily go on like this as it's an easy life for him he does as he pleases but im finding it so hard to tell him to leave when there's not one big difining thing that's happened

Thanks starlight.
Mine isn't ever abusive to DC so it makes it more difficult in that sense in that DC would be very disrupted as a result of us splitting (he would definitely have a happier mum though)

It's hard isn't it toys, I have at times almost hoped H would have an affair as it would make for a more straightforward break in that sense.

So much to think about here. My head is battered.

Yeah I keep thinking if only he would cheat and then I have the perfect reason it is so hard. It's easy to keep going as we are and mot disrupt everything but I am so unhappy and so lonely. He's so closed off emotionally doesn't make any effort with anything and it wears you down over time

It does. There is so much to consider on a practical basis as well, upheaval for DC, finances, child care arrangements, moving house and how on earth I would pay for it on one wage, the actual process of divorcing etc etc. It's at which point the marriage is bad enough that it's worth dealing with all of that to split.
I admire those who have found the strength to split and rebuild your lives. I'm an independent person and I know I could manage in the end it's just taking the leap.

Have you had counselling? Alone or as a couple.

We haven't had counselling, no.
Perhaps I should give that some serious thought.
I've considered it before but generally thought it wouldn't help mainly because I don't feel H has the motivation for change.
He will sometimes agree, for example to take responsibility for more around the house for example, we'll come to a plan/agreement which he will follow for a short while then it falls by the wayside again, and around we go. Another example is that he often does that phlegmy, hacking throat clearing thing which really turns my stomach, I've told and asked and begged him to pls go to the bathroom or a bit away from me to do it, yet he persists in doing it right next to me which I find really disrespectful and like he just doesn't care about my feelings. ditto with extremely loud chewing (I don't have misophonia I don't think, a number of people have commented on his eating which is shocking)
I probably sound like a horrible person here and these probably seem like petty things but years and years of it has really worn me down until they've become big things!

Mine did the phlegmy thing. Once coughed it up and it landed on the floor, didn't clean it until I told him to. OMG and the crisp munching and scoffing a greasy burger. Turned my stomach and he was also a minging eater. You aren't disgusted when in love imo. You find it endearing.
All talk and no action only becomes obvious when you've had enough.
He's lazy, counselling won't work. Just convince you that you tried hard enough.

I think if you can imagine him with someone else and you don’t care, then it’s over.

Starlight did we marry the same bloke it's awful isn't it. I think it's a combination of, when I was in love with him I definitely didn't notice these things as much, but also, he's let it slide as he just doesn't care now. The frustrating thing is, he would be horrified if i acted like he does with the poor manners and bodily functions and whatnot.

3luckystars, the thought of him with someone else doesn't actually bother me much at all god that's a bit of a realisation to admit that to myself. What does bother me, is the thought of him introducing various gfs to our DC. I feel a lot of the basic parenting that he's a bit shit at, DC is currently protected from as I am there to pick up the slack if that makes sense? For instance h admits that he wouldn't change sheets and so on if he lived alone.
When we first met I was impressed at the cleanliness of his flat. It was only when I was upduffed several years later and we moved in together, that I realised how messy and unorganised he was and he then admitted he used to pay his auntie to clean his place prior to my visits!

Reflection I feel exactly the same as you do now. That emptiness when I look at him, the not wanting to touch let alone have sex or sit in the same room! I dread going home and often take DD out just to get away. I wish I could say I have had the strength to end thing but like you I worry how I will actually manage with everything from childcare to rent etc. He is a good dad and dotes on our daughter which makes it even harder to tell him I don't love him.

Starlight your first post hit the nail on the head. Every single point.

OP I hope you feel like you can make a decision, the constant turmoil in our minds is only going to make us ill going over and over everything xx

Sounds similar to me op. I was with ex for 16 years and for me it was buying a house (not the marriage). I think I buried my head in the sand, thinking it would make our relationship better but it got worse.
I also used to dread him coming home from work and his presence just irritated the hell out of me. He would also have plodded on forever, even thought he clearly wasn't happy.
Making the break was difficult. I've still not sold the house but he moved out fairly quickly thank god.
My advice would be to end this as soon as you can. don't waste any more years feeling like this. Its not going to get better is it?
Imagine if he became ill - do you want to be his carer? harsh, but true,.

Oh OP. Don't even think about how long you've been married. It's not even relevant. You're not happy and you deserve to be. Your DC will pick up on you being unhappy in time and that's not a good healthy environment for them to be.

Be good to yourself and do what you have to do. We only get one life. (Well, most of us)

I’m astonished how many of us on here are in the same boat! Hugs to all of you ladies. This community is amazing and we can help and support each other through these grim times

This was me 18months to 2 years ago. I get it, that hope that they will find someone else (and that's when I think you know it's over) or that they will finally say they are unhappy.

As it was, he didn't, and I made the decision just before Xmas 2016. I was like you, worried about the upheaval, our 4yo dd, working, everything.
I've had my little house nearly a year now, just ordered a curry, my gorgeous dd is at her dads tonight and do you know what, yes it's been tough and the loneliness can be a git, but it's never as lonely as I was in a relationship I knew I wanted out of but didn't have the guts to leave.

I was with him for 16 years and had never lived on my own until last year.

It was the thought of doing it for the rest of my life that made me finally go.

Good luck Op. it isn't easy, but it is doable.