When do you know it's over

[Reflection1]

NC for this, long time poster.
I know this topic has been done to death on here, I participated in the 'too good to leave, too bad to stay' and similar threads but wanted to start my own as I feel in turmoil at the moment (and have for some time). MN has been an absolute lifeline for me in the past and any advice on my situation will be so appreciated.

My husband and I have been together for 9 years, married for 1, 1dc primary age. It hasn't been smooth sailing, with ups and downs like any couple but gradually year on year the 'down' times have outweighed the ups and the balance has tipped.

Before we married I had real doubts, which I realise I pushed aside as I just didn't feel ready to break up our family and felt so guilty at the thought of the impact on our DC who was looking forward to the wedding, loves dad, is happy and settled. I guess I almost thought, well I've come this far, our lives are intertwined, mortgage, child etc and I'm not willing/don't feel able to split at this time so "might as well go ahead".
I now see how wrong this was, as when I think of being together the next 30+ years it makes me die inside.

We had our DC pretty soon after meeting, DC has additional needs and I think as this consumed our attention so completely, this was our main focus and we didn't consider enough, how incompatible we really are. When I look back over these last years I feel I've almost sleepwalked through it.

H, while he has many good qualities, has quite a difficult personality, quite addictive (excess alcohol which has been a real issue), he is also moody, quite distant emotionally, which in time has caused me too to become emotionally cut off from him to the point I find him incredibly irritating and nauseating (for example his personal habits which are pretty gross). I don't show this but feel it daily and I'm glad when he's not home

Writing this down makes me realise how bleak this is. I just feel such a fool to suggest a split so soon after marrying him, in hindsight I am only with him for DC and should have separated years ago.

I don't know what I'm asking really but thanks if you got through that ramble.

Thank you all so, so much for your input
I can't tell you how much it helps to hear from other women who understand.
I wish to god I had left when our son was a baby and wouldn't know any different. Lots to think about in terms of all the logistics and how I begin to tell ds.
Time to get my act together

I also used to wish he'd make the decision to leave, have an affair, anything.
This is because as women we feel responsible for everything. In the end I realised that he wouldn't end it, and my happiness was never going to happen until I did.
My divorce was nasty, but it is over now and I am so relieved.

And it won't upheave your son I promise. You don't need to spend hours helping a young child understand. And don't say anything until you have got a leaving plan and am ready to physically leave. You have to be sure.

I am in the same situation but have just instigated mediation and we are on a waiting list (1 week down, 15 to go).

I've been with my H for 17yrs and for the past 6yrs I don't like or fancy him. It is hell but I'm hopefully getting out

They do say the first year of marriage is the hardest. Is this true!? It explains a lot for me!

Surely though lust and love get you through the first year, even if their poo smells and the socks get hidden under the bed!