For those that have had counselling

[Sometimeitrains]

So my ex not/ ex husband and I are about to go through counselling with a view to reconcilliation.( dont want to go into the details or spark a ltb debate.)
We have a choice between psycotherapy couples therapy or person centred couples counselling. Choice based on availability afordabiliy and location of service.
Trying to get my head around the differences and the impact that different versions of couples therapy is supposed to have.
Any experience or advice around that would be welcome or just in terms of questions to ask them to decide.

The type of therapy that would be best suited (and whether it is joint or single sessions) depends on the reason you are going to therapy.
I'm coming to the end of intensive trauma counselling sessions, I've had 20 weekly sessions. That worked for the reason I went, another type of counselling would have been completely useless because of the reason I needed to attend.

Hmmmm. I would say that Weston centred would get you both talking and communicating well. It would address your current issues and I don’t know any couple training that doesn’t have some knowledge and awareness of a degree of psychodynamic stuff like attachment, unconscious and conscious stuff etc. Can you ask specifically about the counsellors training? I would be looking for a minimum of either a diploma in couple counselling that has taken 2 years or a full 1 year certificate in couple counselling PLUS a diploma in therapeutic counselling.

If someone has simply done a counselling diploma then a weekend course for couples- save your money and go elsewhere.

Weston- Person!!! 😂

I would google the two different types and see what you think OP, you'll get better more informed advice than asking about individual experiences on here.

And remember there's nothing wrong with booking a first session with both and asking them what their method looks like and what sort of tools and techniques they use.

Hello, firstly congratulations on taking such a positive step to try and find a more positive way forward that will have the potential to help you re build relationship with your exh. So, you ask what’s the difference between these therapy options. You will both need to have a good think about what the real issues are for you both within your relationship. Ie poor communication, lack of affection, non understanding of each other etc. When you have a clear idea what you are trying to achieve within counselling then you can choose the best theoretical approach ie person centred therapy or psychotherapy.
Person centred therapy is a therapy that does exactly as its title suggests. It is non directive and centred entirely on you as individuals. You will not be given any advice and your counsellor will be there to help you direct each session where YOU want it to go. You will do most of the talking. Person centred therapy is for people who wish to gain a better understanding of themselves, build self awareness and learn to understand yourself better. It’s a very gentle slow paced type of therapy so if this is your first introduction to therapy this could be for you. However pct does not work for everyone and using this in couples counselling you may find one or the other would like to move things along much quicker or pct does not relate for them.
Psychotherapy is as it suggests it’s about exploring your past and events that may be affecting your current or future. It’s great for addressing unresolved issues and understanding how the past is affecting the here and now, addressing mental health issues etc it has a very wide spectrum. Some people find it can be quite difficult to re visit past traumatic or hurtful events the theory is harder work but can be rewarding in its effects.
This is just a tiny example of these two theories. I hope this helps.
Good luck .

Also as a prev poster has advised check the counsellors credentials most importantly that they are Bacp registered meaning they will have had to complete a min of 4 years training and have min 100 hrs of therapy experience. Any bacp registrant will be qualified min diploma level.

Thanks for the feedback very helfull. Good to have a baseline re qualifications as well.
zena1973
isadora2007
Would you say psychotherapy is a bit more directive in its approach.
limonviola
I have been extensively googling but getting very little re clear differences. Have booked an appointment with both but given that theyve said the first appt is just to tell them about what we want I doubt I will get a feel for which one is better and end up choosing the wrong one.

Are they offering a free 30 minute session?
If so, then go armed with questions if you have them.
Talk to them and find out how they work.
See which one seems to suit best and go with that.

But it depends what the counselling is for.
If it's both of you with issues then joint might work.
As long as there is no abuse at all on either side.
If it's more one-sided then individual counselling would be a good start.
Understanding what YOU want and why you want it is always a good place to start.

Your first step is to really identify what your expectations are from counselling. If you feel this is more about either one of you then a joint issue I would recommend person centred therapy separately. If there are issues surrounding your relationship from the past mental health issue, depression then psychotherapy is a good starting point.
Any good counsellor will advise what their modality is and give you a good description, they will also talk with you about your expectations from the sessions and do an assessment based on the information you give them.
You ask if psychotherapy is more directive all therapies are directive the difference being that pct will be directed by you at the pace you want. I feel you are looking for a therapy that perhaps may enable you to uncover/discover and make sense of issues within your relationship. psychodinamic therapy will help you with that but be prepared to put in the work. You will need to be utterly honest and direct and also have a very good strong trusting relationship with your counsellor this can take time to achieve so be realistic in your expectations.

Thanks!
for us there are issues that led to us breaking up which we have a clear idea of and are working to address mostly around communication. Since the seperation the way he handeled it led to issues of trust for me.
We read two books together about relationships where I think childhood issues and patental examples influence our current way of operating. However hes not big on reading, more action and we thought someone between us would be usefull.
However part of my dilema is whether we just address surface problems enabeling us to move forward or as you say put in the work to dig deeper...
For him its just what will get us back together but for me its about what will keep us there.
Choices choices so confusing...

Could you go along for one session & see how you feel about the therapist? So much depends on the relationship you have with them & one session will give you a little taster.

You may find individual therapy more helpful to 'dig deeper'

You are absolutely right when you say that for you the importance is having a better understanding of each other and issues you are or have experienced. You will learn tools to help you deal with the past enabling a better future for you both. HOWEVER the past has a tendency to draw you back if it has not been addressed and it will almost certainly hinder a proactive future together.
Your partner wants to deal with past areas of worry ie childhood patterns of behaviour, etc yet you want to be better equipped to support your husband and have a better understanding of each other to keep your relationship together.
I feel from your description that separate counselling is the best option right now. Psycodinamic or CBT- cognitive behavioural therapy (great for addressing repetitive patterns of behaviour, depression, addiction etc) both therapy’s you will be expected to work outside of the sessions an example would be to start writing down your thoughts feelings in a journal.
Pct is literally a talking therapy enabling you to explore yourself your thought patterns, raise your self awareness and increase your confidence and self belief.
After your separate counselling sessions you can then come together and start joint therapy with a new understanding of yourselfs enabling much clearer and honest communication.

I was going to say the same as flickety about having to get on with the therapist as a person.

When you meet them just say you'd like to spent 40 mins explaining why you're there but the last 10 minutes having them tell you about their style of therapy. Any decent therapist would be pleased to have such an engaged client taking it seriously! You're paying for the service, it's your hour, don't be afraid to speak up about what you need to get from the session. Especially as it's not cheap and you don't have unlimited time/money to slowly find out this crucial info.

In a nutshell I think person centred is more easy going and free flowing and will essentially give you a forum to try and work through issues together with a bit of guidance from the therapist but no advice or direction. Some people really get on with that but some need a little more help from the therapist.

I believe psychodynamic can mean many things but it's likely the therapist will get a bit more involved, direct a bit more, look at past issues for you both that have led to where you're at now. Maybe use bits and bobs from transactional analysis for example, it totally depends on your therapist so feel free to ask how their therapy differs from person centred, and ask the other one the same.

You could also ring or text ahead of time and ask if they have any resources they give to clients about what's involved in their style of therapy. For example the therapy I do I have some fact sheets aimed at different levels of complexity I always give people to read before or after their first session as lots of people take things on board more easily reading at home and often forget a lot of the session content due to emotions running high.

From what you’ve said I disagree that you need individual work- rather I think you are both ideal for couple work given that you need your deeper understanding to be between you both in order to move on from your past issues and to trust again.
Given what you’ve said I would check credentials specifically couple work and if qualification is good and bacp etc then go with the person centred counsellor. I very highly doubt that any decent couple counsellor would be purely PC anyway- so the psychodynamic work would come as part of your journey of exploring what brought you to this point and why.

Good luck. Pm me if you’ve any specific questions- I’m a couple counsellor with an integrative qualification in both person centred and psychodynamic. But all counsellors do tend to work with differing styles and approaches and getting on with and feeling comfortable with your counsellor really is vital for your work. So call and chat to the ones you have to choose from.

Thanks all and Isadora 2007
A quick google search of the pc counsellor's name showed that they had the qualifications mentioned which put my mind at ease somewhat. Couldnt get anything on the other one.
We have agreed to go and see both and then decide.
But at least I can now go armed with a couple of questions re what type of help I now believe we would benefit from.
The responses have helped me think this through a bit more.

Best of luck with it all. Come back and update when you've met them and how it went if you like :)

Thanks limonviola.

Thought Id update and ask a further question as the experience was the complete opposite to what I expected.

The psycotherapist which was what I was leaning towards was incredibly warm and welcoming talked about our bravery for taking this step but after 1.5hrs was very vauge about what we would work on going forward just talked about how its a long journey and takes time to figure out whats needed.
The person centered counsellor was very formal and clinical warned us that they may seem partial to one of us over the other at times but after 50 mins gave clear feedback on what issues needed to be addressed to work towards our end goal.

So in short warmed to the first but concerned it wont be effective. Not sure about the second but suspect it will create a difference just not sure what kind.

Ex wants to go with the second. I want a second appointment with both. Is that excessive and unproductive??

Could you just do both?

If you went for the one you preferred, would your ex be more likely to break the counselling off?

No he wouldnt break it off.
Thought about doing both but wondered if that would be a bit ridiculous or have a negative effect.....

You could try several sessionsof each and decide later. Sounds quite good if he is likely to stick with it.

I'd recommend person centred counselling. If they are also trained in EFT (emotionally focussed therapy) it would be a bonus.

Person centred is a non directive type of therapy. It puts you/both of you at the centre. The counsellor won't (or shouldn't) give advice...as the principle of person centred therapy is that the client is the expert. The counsellor is there to guide and support you on the journey.

Feel free to PM me if you want further info.