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Original poster

Do you swing between wanting a divorce and not?

44 replies

WishfulWanderer · 01/03/2018 22:47

I had decided that I wanted a divorce, and I have very good reasons, lots of awful behaviour from DH. Lately, includes telling me that most men would've run from me, because of my past trauma - which hurt.
Then as things calm down, and he behaves differently I find myself changing my mind.
Or even if we haven't had a row, I can go from wanting the divorce, back to, nah he's ok, back to no he's a fucking asshole.
Does anyone else have this experience?
Why is this?

OP posts:
Confusad · 01/03/2018 22:49

Yep. On a good day I feel like I can carry on just fine and on a bad day I can’t stand him and want to leave.

Elvisola · 01/03/2018 22:53

One week before my period starts I want a divorce. He infuriates me, everything he does is just annoying, I can't bear him near me. The other 3 weeks I think he's quite nice.

Original poster
WishfulWanderer · 01/03/2018 22:55

It's so exhausting this swinging from one extreme to the other, and totally confuses me.

OP posts:
Dappledsunlight · 01/03/2018 23:10

Same here, like a bloody seesaw. Yes, mentally draining. I can't help thinking that things aren't good enough to get off the seesaw thinking and just stop swinging between the two positions - if things were better, I wouldn't even be contemplating it.

Original poster
WishfulWanderer · 01/03/2018 23:19

That's what I think. If you were happy you wouldn't jump to the idea of divorce, friends who are happily married never do that, ones who aren't do.

OP posts:
displayexpertise · 01/03/2018 23:50

I’m the same. Not sure how common it is.

PyongyangKipperbang · 02/03/2018 00:20

Me three.

Rather not go into details but I can completely relate and you are not the only one.

Ham69 · 02/03/2018 00:30

Totally relate to this.

PyongyangKipperbang · 02/03/2018 00:38

Another one....does anyone else always jump to the worst thoughts about their OH?

Like when you are happy and they fuck up you think "Ah well shit happens" but when you are in this "Divorce or not Divorce, that is the question" situation, you automatically think "Further proof of what an utter fuck wit you are?" I am not at all forgiving anymore.

Sometimeitrains · 02/03/2018 06:32

Elvisola
Yup that was me.

MrsJoshDun · 02/03/2018 06:36

Me! Been this way for about two years now.

Friends have kind of giving up believing me when I say “right that’s it”.

They’re all keen I divorce him though.

Hammertime1986 · 02/03/2018 07:41

I'm exactly the same. But we are still working through him being unfaithful.
I want the marriage to work and as I still frequently swing between the 2 options, I'm going to stick with it. Having a house, a young child and everything else that goes with that means I'm not going to make such a huge decision unless I'm sure. Once you start, there's no taking it back so for me I'm not prepared to break the family unit unless I know it's the right thing to do.

Userfroggypants · 02/03/2018 11:09

Yes, all the time. I have put up with loads of crap over the years and have thought about leaving the relationship a lot. I know we should have split up years ago, we did a couple of times but ended up getting back together. I guess I've been too scared of making a final decision and what that would entail, pathetic I know. I have recently started having feelings for another man, can't stop thinking about him, it's ridiculous. I know I can't act on these feelings (I don't know if he feels the same) because that would be the shittiest thing ever. I start counselling next week to try and get my head together as I feel a bit of a mess at the moment.

AForest · 02/03/2018 12:08

Yes me too. Only because I am finding the whole process so daunting and am pushing it myself. He is happy to carry on as we are, but I know if I want to be happy I need to move on. I don't love him anymore, he is an shows no emotion, no love or support, he's just cold. He can be nasty, vindictive, controlling and chips away at my self esteem.. then after he's pushed me away, suddenly he can't do enough for me. I feel like I am on a piece of elastic, he pushes me away then pulls me back. I think I am waking up to this being some sort of emotional abuse. Whenever I try to do something independently for myself he turns nasty, makes arrangements for himself so he can't have the kids and then at the last minute rearranges everything and wants to me to be grateful, despite the fact all the angst was him causing it. It does my head in and I always end up looking the bad one. I would have divorced him by now if I had the strength. He frequently tells me I can't live without him. He also has a different persona outside, people think he is amazing, so kind and thoughtful. Then I doubt myself and wonder if I am imagining things.

Sorry that was a bit of a rant!

101trees · 02/03/2018 12:12

I used to have this. Swung one way then the other for a few years. The indecision was the worst thing I think. The need to make a decision weighs heavily on your mind and is always there in the background like some task which needs to be completed.

In the end I went to counselling on my own with the sole aim of making a choice between what was in front of me. I left and life is much better now, but it doesn't mean that you will make that same choice. It is helpful though because you have someone to call you out on it each week and ask why the issues you had last week are no longer relevant this week when you feel better about it... equally they remind you that last week it didn't seem so important.

I found it was a way to stop the pendulum from swinging by forcing me into consistent thoughts rather than relying on my swinging feelings.

It's the feelings which make you swing, but you need to make a rational decision which you can feel comfortable and confident in over the long term.

Good luck, your post really brought be back to that feeling on indecision. It's really hard. I hope you find a happy resolution to it. Xx

101trees · 02/03/2018 12:18

Oh and one thing I was told which was really helpful was that part of the issue which was stopping me making a decision was the fear which comes from comparing a known situation to an unknown one.

Basically on the one hand you look at it as a 'better the devil you know'... so you know what you have is bad, but you know it so it is safe. The other is all unknown... you don't know if it will be better or worse.

But, if you make a decision then you can actively make that decision the right one. You have the power to turn the situation into a good one. Make it a success. If you actively choose to commit to staying then you can put everything into it. If you choose to leave then you can work your ass off to make that a success, fix the bits that need fixing, paint your own picture.

Mummabeargrr · 02/03/2018 12:27

Thought it was just me. I am about 60/40 for leaving. He's 100% committed to it working and I just can't summon the full energy when each day something comes up and I just don't want to quite frankly. I keep thinking about counselling.

pointythings · 02/03/2018 15:10

I felt like this too - because there were still good times, because I felt selfish wanting to break up the family, because I felt it would be unfair on the DDs, because fear...

Then he got worse and worse and now we are definitely divorcing - even though he is being a complete arse about it. He can't stop it happening, he has received and read the petition and I can prove it. He has been out of the house two months and there isn't an ounce of doubt left in me.

I think it's a stage you have to get through even if your marriage is dying on its feet.

VladmirsPoutine · 02/03/2018 15:18

I have felt like this too. In the end we got divorced. I suppose you have to work out the extent to which it is a healthy/supportive marriage or one that constantly makes you unhappy/resentful.

Cabin fever is very different from pure dislike and disappointment in one's spouse. Hurt and pain are raw emotions. It's natural for people to not always get along but once the pendulum starts swinging that much I'd wonder what was left, if it could be worked through, what kind of person it would have made me.

StarlightSparkle · 02/03/2018 17:37

I feel this way but we are recovering from an affair (his). Prior to this I had never considered divorce even though we were going through a rough patch when it happened.

I really wish I had made an instant decision - LTB or be determined to try and fix things but I’m wavering between the two. The feeling of limbo and indecision is driving me mad but I honestly don’t know what to do. Ideally I’ll like to stay together as we have two young children but I’m finding it really hard to move past what he’s done.

pointythings · 02/03/2018 17:56

Stalight it is hard. And a hasty decision is seldom a good one. I should not have stayed as long as I did, but equally it would not have been right for me to cut and run at the first sign of trouble. I can say hand on heart that I tried everything to support my STBXH, to get him to seek help for his alcohol, depression and self-esteem issues, to get him to consider his parenting not to copy mine but to make changes - as I had to when our DDs became teenagers. He did none of it.

So when I instigated the divorce, I knew it was the right thing to do. Eventually you will also reach a decision, one way or the other.

MrsGuyOfGisbo · 02/03/2018 18:10

Same here.

Treacletoots · 02/03/2018 18:17

Yes. I hear you. And.... Now he is my ex husband. If you're even considering it, then you're not happy. The changing your mind bit is probably just you realising how much shit you have ahead of you if you do divorce. But believe me, it's not. The moment you release yourself from that relationship you'll wonder why the hell you wasted so much time doing so.

I've now been with my new husband for almost 5 years and never once have I thought I'd want to be without him. If you're happy, you don't.

Nestlyn · 02/03/2018 18:42

Yes all the time, but I think my period takes me to a very depressing place every month.

I don't know what our future will look like, but when I fantasise about retirement or silly things like winning the lottery, I dream I'm alone, sitting in the sunshine somewhere. I know that can't be right.

PippiLongstromp · 02/03/2018 18:47

I don't feel this way about my marriage, and I'm saying that just because I don't think it's necessarily "normal" to fantasise about divorce. It shouldn't be this way, you deserve better. It may be worth seeking counselling individually or together to work out what is going on.

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