Do you swing between wanting a divorce and not?

[WishfulWanderer]

I had decided that I wanted a divorce, and I have very good reasons, lots of awful behaviour from DH. Lately, includes telling me that most men would've run from me, because of my past trauma - which hurt.
Then as things calm down, and he behaves differently I find myself changing my mind.
Or even if we haven't had a row, I can go from wanting the divorce, back to, nah he's ok, back to no he's a fucking asshole.
Does anyone else have this experience?
Why is this?

Yes, another one here feeling this way.
Started my own similar thread yesterday.
I know things aren't right but it's, as PP have pointed out, the fear of making such a huge change and the impact of splitting up the family unit.
It's so bloody hard.

I used to feel like this too, and I really think it's damaging mentally. I actually found it quite exhausting, it consumed me my thoughts, and I would agonise over what to do for the best.

My advice is this: Work out what is wrong with your relationship and what would need to change for you to feel good about it again. Think back to when you first met each other - what was it about him that attracted you? What did you like about him? Dig out photos to remind you of those times if it helps.

Now think about what he is like now. How has he changed? What is different? Take a few days to really pinpoint the specifics of what he does that is making you unhappy and considering leaving him.

He probably isn't happy either. He undoubtedly senses your unhappiness and as a consequence might be behaving in a way that exacerbates the things you don't like about him (this was definitely the case with my DH -
he was rebelling over his own frustrations in the relationship which made it even worse.)

The only way to get to grips with this is by talking to him frankly about how you feel about his behaviour, and also listening to how he feels about the relationship. Relationship counselling would really help with this.

As you say, you have two choices: stay and fix it, or leave and start again. But even if you do eventually choose the latter, for your own sanity you will need to be absolutely sure that you made the right decision and did everything you could to make it right. I left my DH and this is one of the things I hold onto when I doubt my decision.

Best of luck. There is every reason to feel positive. People can and do change their behaviour when they realise what is at stake. And if your DH can't do this, then you have every reason to start again and work towards a future happiness of a different kind.

Nailed it, Claudia.

I agree that if you are thinking about divorce then there is a problem and it needs addressing. Unfortunately it takes two people to do the addressing. In my case I did all the changing, he did none and it all went horribly wrong.

And in that situation, walking away and starting over is hugely, hugely liberating. I am happier now than I have been in many years.

Perfectly put Claudia!

Yes - this is me. For about 4-5 Years now. It's utterly draining. The 20 yr old me would be horrified at what I've overlooked/ settled for but we have gorgeous kids and it would be me instigating things and that's what I struggle with as they're happy and doing well at school as things are. Plus I've never really been away from them, apart from the odd night. I finally saw a divorce lawyer in January though - that was a huge milestone for me and I'm glad I did it but it's made it very, very real and part of me even now desperately wants/ hopes we could go back to how things used to be, even though he openly says he's just staying for the kids and is no longer in love with me. After 5+ yrs of this I know I'm just kidding myself though....

💐 to everyone in the same boat.

I was like this for years when I was married.

I read Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway and it really helped.

Left him and have been really happy ever since.

Resurrecting this thread as interested to see if things have moved on for you all and if you stayed/ are still in limbo/ have left? Sadly my DH has acted in a couple of ways recently that just prove how little respect and care he has for me. One instance was a total repeat of something that happened 5 years ago that caused me huge anguish at the time and I always felt he wasn't genuinely remorseful about it.This time I just felt utterly numb really and wasn't honestly surprised - it didn't hurt in the same way but it was a huge wake up call. I started divorce proceedings and not once since has he begged me to reconsider/ said he loves me etc. In fact he's been at times utterly vile. His only justification for us staying together is financial really. Even more than staying together for the children which is my main worry. Says it all. Makes me so sad but I suppose If there were any new signs of love/ affection/ remorse I'd probably waiver and that probably isn't in my best interests rationally speaking as there's no trust left and no loyalty from him. Trying to sort the financials and kids and still sharing a house is beyond awful though and so very scary. I wish I had the same confidence I had when I was younger....

Anyone else in a similar boat?

I have been in this position for about 10 years now. Mostly I want out, but there are times when I am able to tolerate H (and he can actually be great at times tbh ... for short periods) and that's when I start panicking about the impact on our DS of me telling DH it's over, the finances, the fact I know DH will make life very difficult if I go, and that's when I think, it's just better and far more financially viable for me to not rock the boat. I hate myself for not having left when I had the chance to, and feel like I have missed out on so much on life. I am embarrassed at my cowardice.

@Ravenclawclassof84 my DC are now 16 and 18 and I have known most of their lives really - its been a definite plan for 3 years now. We are late 50s early 60s and I feel I have thrown my life away - my DD16 said she had never seen me happy.

I have talked to friends and family about it til they are blue in the face and I recently settled on a date in August to tell him to go (he's got a lot of issues so I need him out of the house for safety ). Now I have added the caveat that if I don't go through with my plan, I have to stop all this. I am living my entire life in limbo. I never bother to placate him or even be civil as I know I am leaving, so things just get worse, and my DCs are on tenterhooks waiting to hear if and when its all going ahead. So I am not going to tell them, I have my date, I have a hotel booked for us to get out whilst he gets out ifyswim and its now or never on that date.

We've been married 30 years and I am now thinking about a long lonely retirement with half the money we would have had to live on, constant worry about him - he will never leave us really. Its completely overwhelming. I wish we could hear some stories from those who posted last year - great find of a thread to resurrect @uncertaindreams!

I’m following this thread with interest as I’m in the same boat

@Ravenclawclassof84 @DishingOutDone. I really empathise. It's not cowardice at all - nothing is black and white and whatever you do, there are ramifications. Being in limbo for so many years, it just drains you like nothing else and there are fresh little hurts every day (I see a friend's husband kiss her head or rub her back and it knocks me for six - an overwhelming sadness and grief for what is missing in my own lonely marriage). Not to mention the complete erosion of any self-esteem, if it's been chipped away at by a cold, affection-less DH. You get to a point where you just don't trust your gut or judgement any more. You already feel so little, worthless and robotic that you convince yourself another 5 or 10 years of it, until (insert reason) happens might be do-able. I started writing down notable instances of his behaviour and my responses just so I knew I wasn't going mad on the days when he deigned to be nice to me for once or when he projected things back on me and I started questioning my own actions. I read them through now and think - I can't believe I have lived/ am living like this. I also felt vehemently that I wouldn't want my kids to be in this kind of relationship or to think this is normal to live without love. So, I really feel for you. It's an all consuming, daily battle. Have you found things that help keep you positive - music, exercise and putting nice things in the diary to look forward to helped me a lot. If you stick it out for now - do you have a game -plan for e.g. when your DS leaves home. A while back I started getting all my paperwork in order and that's really helped me feel more in control - as did an initial free apt. with a solicitor (took me over a year to act on it but it gave me clarity and made me realise I had options).....I think you have to be ready in your head to take the next step though - it's ugly in the extreme and I feel he has such power over me even now. He threatened to post lots of things on social media for example about very painful childhood trauma. I try and stay calm and placate him but it's all so inflammatory when you are talking about child arrangements and money. He knows all the buttons to press to get a reaction. But then he'll make me a coffee or some such gesture and my head is exploding with how contrary it all is. I just want to be through it but being through it also means seeing less of my darling children and being poorer which scares me so much. 💐to all who are struggling.

After posting on this thread this week I've been carefully considering my position again (veering wildly between doing it now or waiting another year). My youngest DD said she'd talked to her friends about it and they'd agreed with her that it was odd to not wait until she leaves college in 2 years time; so I said yes ideally that would be a good time but I can't promise to wait that long particularly due to our ages (mid fifties early sixties) ( I didn't add "and due to his behaviour")
Yesterday she had a nice day out with H and seeing them together I thought you know this could work, I could try and stay another year or so. So maybe my escape plan for next month needed to be shelved. Its was all very tenuous anyway - it would have left me with around £400 a month for me and youngest DD to live on, that's going to be tight.

And then last night he woke me up, as he has done every night since I can remember. I went to bed around 11.30 he likes to stay up to watch TV. 1am he came in slammed all the windows shut and woke me up, I asked him why he did that he said in future all the windows will be shut he doesn't like them open (we've been together 30+ years but he often introduces new "rules") I said also you've woken me up again!! He said no, you were never asleep, you're lying (voice raised by now)

I asked him how we should resolve this, I said it can't go on keep arguing all the time and he started shouting 'OH HERE WE GO, HERE WE GO' and then told me I would have to sleep in the loft, he'd put a bed up there and I'd have to get in it using the loft ladder 'THAT'S for you!" he snapped.

Reader, I divorced him oh god I wish. I asked my DDs if they heard him shouting last night and when I told them what happened my youngest said "shall I have a word with him?" - both said I should tackle him now on the divorce and say seeing as he hates me he will want a divorce. My poor babies don't realise that controlling me is what he really likes.

So long story to say now, I am thinking I will have to go ahead with Plan A, tell him to leave next month and see if I can facilitate that with a deposit for a flat. I can't see that going down well as we have a large 3 bed semi and he's never lived independently in his life.

This morning he said to me "what on earth have I done to deserve this treatment" - meaning me challenging him about waking me up - that's the "treatment" he's referring to, that I answered back.

Yes, this is my life exactly at the moment

@DishingOutDone. Gosh - that 'new rules' thing really resonated with me 😢. I get 'it's my house/ my money' a lot too as 'justification' for the rules (we both work but his job is a lot more 'important' than mine🙄) . And the Jekyll and Hyde thing really, really messes with your head. Have you taken advantage of free legal advice? I had an hour with a solicitor initially - free of charge - and it made me realise that financially things might not be as bleak as I expected. You might have reason to be more positive. Also I was made aware that financially I could be in a much worse position if I wait until the children leave home as all our needs are taken into account currently - it's not necessarily a straight 50-50 split of assets. So do get advice on this. 💐 I know I've got to a point where even another 6 months of living under the same roof and sharing a room (urgh) with someone who bears me such little regard and respect feels unbearable....😔 Whenever he's away I can literally feel a weight being lifted off me and I feel like a different person. It's just so much more calm and relaxed for the children too.

OMG @uncertaindreams so you are having to share a room still even when you've started divorce proceedings?

I've got a 2 stage plan - 1st of all he could move into one of our large downstairs rooms as a bedsit, if he manages his behaviour. If not, I want him out and into a flat (that's stage 2) until DD finishes college and then we'll sell for the equity. If we go with the first part, we will have more money to live on as we share the costs of this house. If he has to go into a flat, I'd have to help him scrape a deposit together and that's when I'd be left with around £400 a month to live on.

I've had legal advice and they said get him out ASAP go with the stage 2 plan from the get go!

Why won't your H leave the house is it a money thing or just wants to make it difficult for you?

Same her. Im worried about the unknown but after today I feel Ive had enough. Im am very scared about how I will manage financially, the impact on my adult DD [he's her step dad] who is having a rough time of things already, whether I will regret etc etc. Ive been here a few times before and each time we kind of muddled through but Im tired of feeling like this and living my ,life like this. I worry about being alone as my DD if off to uni this year

@DishingOutDone oh yes. Difficult and stubborn are his middle names and that's ramped up big time since I started the divorce. I think he had some initial legal advice and was told not to leave the family home as it would weaken his position. He's also very tight with money. It's 'his bed' and 'his room' as far as he's concerned and we have no other space to accommodate another bedroom. It's intolerable on so many levels which is why I just need to get through it but he's fighting to delay any which way he can. My sanity saver is he travels abroad for work - thank God or I really would lose the plot. Mostly I just try and stay out of his way. Hope your other half is a bit more reasonable!

Yes this.is me at the moment.
Dont know.what to do for the best.

uncertain