How do I move on?

[getoverhim]

I met someone and utterly sabotaged it. He's lovely, kind, I love our chats and he's a million miles from my abusive ex. But he doesn't want more kids and I think I want another.

I just can't seem to let go. He said he lost trust (wasn't valid but that's how he felt)

I can't blame him. I likely came across suffocating and needy but I just can't get over him. I'm looking for him in everyone I've met trying to date. Everyone is compared to him and doesn't match up.

He's looking to date again and I'm stupidly jealous and scared he will meet someone and be perfectly happy. He probably will be, and deserves to be.

Ugh. I'm mad at myself for not letting go

Why did he lose trust?

He's looking to date again
How do you know this - are you still in contact with him?

If so, the answer to your title question is "go no contact with him".

Yes still in contact. Done no contact. Platonic friends. Except I'm not am I?

I want to be though. Well I want more but he's made it clear.

Lost trust because I didn't tell him about something I still don't think I needed to tell him about as wasn't his business and was v early on, but he found out later and apparently felt weird after that. Wasn't anything major... I spoke to someone I was trying to ghost who'd played a horrible part in my life basically but didn't share it all with him.

Name change fail never mind! As long as he doesn't mumsnet I'm ok

How long ago did this all happen?

You want different things and somehow you're in the wrong about not telling him something. Not sure I completely understand as you're a bit vague, but it seems to me he's unreasonable on this (you don't owe him every detail of your life, you're entitled to privacy and a past) and using your supposed wrongdoing as a weapon, which makes me wonder how nice he really is - it might be a bullet dodged, OP. Sets alarm bells jangling for me that he's got this trumped up thing to use against you.

He ain't all that - you really need to go no-contact and stick to it. Maybe do the Freedom Programme.

If you've done no contact and are now in contact, then you haven't actually done no contact, have you?

Stop speaking to him
Keep busy, do something creative every day.
Keep a journal, daily if you can. Whenever you feel bad, write it down in your journal.

What you describe re breaking trust... tbh, I hear faint alarm bells. he sounds controlling. You had every right not to reveal what you wanted to conceal. It's your life, your story/history. He isn't entitled to anything that is yours.

Sounds like he's using it as an excuse to break up if it wasn't anything major.

Yeah I suspect simply an excuse. We do want different things and I acted really stupid tbh - needy, emotional, pressurising

I don't think I need the freedom programme. He wasn't controlling... just didn't react in the sympathetic way I hoped when I told him. I had said I wasn't in contact with someone then in early days resumed contact and later he found out I'd been in contact when he thought I wasn't, he was concerned for my safety but also his. I think he wasn't ever in any danger and overreacted by losing trust but likely all just an excuse anyway. I just deleted the person entirely as that was always my plan. They were the abusive one I needed to escape entirely and he gave me the shove I needed to do that.

I still want him as a friend... but really I want more and he's not going to be moved on wanting anymore kids. I'm looking into going down other roads myself on that front anyway now.

I suppose I hope he will stay single and in years to come there might be a future but it's unlikely... his culture marriage is important and he's a gentleman. Any decent woman from his culture will probably snap him up and not do the needy thing.

Just wish I hadn't fucked it all up. And that I wasn't pining for him.

We split in October (I ended it) but were still pretty much an item till Jan when he said completely decided we weren't going to get back together.

I fell way faster than him. Wanted way more than he was ever offering.

Yeah, you can't be friends. You need distance and time.

How many children do you have and how many does he have? I realise that is not the issue at hand here. What we're essentially discussing is how you can move on.

You can start by going totally NC. And giving yourself time to grieve and getting busy doing other things in your life. I'm not saying that means taking up extreme sports though if you fancy it why not. But at some point you have to draw a line.

When you find your mind wandering bring it back into line - even if you have to talk to yourself out loud do it. Break ups aren't fun. Especially when we miss the person in question. But here is where you find yourself and you need to work from here forward.

I probably do. I just really really want him not to meet anyone and pine after me and come chasing!

Unlikely though isn't it! I just need to accept he is going to move on and is just not that into me.

Despite amazing sex. Despite conversation that lasts hours. Despite having the time of my life with him.

There will be someone else one day won't there.

I have 1.

He has 3.

Ugh I wish I could do platonic friends. I really bloody like him. I also wish I could accept no more kids... but considering he's not that into me. I'd only be giving up my last chance for him to likely split up with me anyway one day

Yes, you'll find someone else, OP. Definitely, you will.

I'm not even short of attention. I just find nobody lives up to him

How old are you? If you don't mind me asking. To be honest, if it all came to a crashing halt in Jan then by all means it's still rather raw and fresh. I know it's oft trotted out but be kind to yourself.

Some women and men can leave an intense 10yr marriage on Monday and by Tuesday night be in a wine bar chatting up their next prospect. Others need entire time out from it all for a lot longer. But I do know that time is a healer of sorts. It won't always feel so raw.

34. Fertility problems.

I'm the same age, OP.

I think seeing is believing when it comes to finding someone else. You can't imagine it until it happens.

@Djnoun yes that's probably right. I had a conversation today where he told me there's no hope ever of anything again and he's looking to date again.

I feel broken. Because of a stupid man

How did this conversation today come about?

Me stupidly quizzing him. Pathetic

How? Did you call him? Text him?

You are not "pathetic", you are a woman trying to move on and at times moving on proves very difficult. I'm not going to shame or blame you. If anything I'd rather hold your hand and listen to you talk it out.

Thanks he called and I allowed myself to go there in conversation even though he said he didn't want and felt suffocated by being asked.

I'm so mad at myself and so scared I will never be happy in life. I fucked up on someone who could have been amazing.

I feel like I've dropped out of life. I'm so low and for a little while he made things ok. I just want to give up but I can't as I have a child. All I want is the family. Someone to love me, another baby and my son. But I fuck up every single time I get a piece of happiness I sabotage it for myself

Were you feeling low before he came along? I ask because of this comment:

I'm so low and for a little while he made things ok.

You will manage to move on. And you are strong. It might not seem that way right now but then again remember when you had your child and were raising him you had no idea this bloke even existed. This is transitory. It is a raw feeling and needs to be processed and let out.

You haven't gone much into your fertility problems but where does that fit in to all this? Do you already know you have fertility problems? Was your son wholly unexpected as you'd already had e.g. endometriosis or something?