How do I move on?

[getoverhim]

I met someone and utterly sabotaged it. He's lovely, kind, I love our chats and he's a million miles from my abusive ex. But he doesn't want more kids and I think I want another.

I just can't seem to let go. He said he lost trust (wasn't valid but that's how he felt)

I can't blame him. I likely came across suffocating and needy but I just can't get over him. I'm looking for him in everyone I've met trying to date. Everyone is compared to him and doesn't match up.

He's looking to date again and I'm stupidly jealous and scared he will meet someone and be perfectly happy. He probably will be, and deserves to be.

Ugh. I'm mad at myself for not letting go

Yes my son was a surprise conception after years of soul destroying infertility that turned my ex husband into an abusive arse... I didn't cope well with pregnancy and he was horrid from then on really. "Because I changed..." and I did, I became a shadow of my old confident self

I just mean that for a while dating this man I felt like I lived again and had a future

What do you mean by became a shadow of my old confident self?

Of course pregnancy changes you and I'm not going to patronise you by telling you that abusive men ratchet up the abuse once their wife or partner becomes pregnant.

You will have a future. You are living one right now - just not the one you imagined. The issue is now how to get to that future. Not to dwell.

I dont hnderstand what you think youve done wrong??? You want different things. He seems to have strung you along a bit since oct until he was cornered and had no choice.

I think there is something unkind in him calling you and feeling you in and then saying he wants to date others...

He knows you want more, so if he was a decent man he would leave you alone.

The stuff about him losing trust in you because you didn’t tell him something about being in contact with your ex - that sounds like a stick he was using to beat you and nothing more.

I don’t like the sound of him. Agree with a PP - you’ve dodged a bullet.

You can have a family, a new love, maybe a new DC too. Hang in there and work on going properly NC.

*reeling you in

No I asked him to tell me if he was, or planning to

He'd been a little flirty then stopped...

He didn't exactly string me along, he said repeatedly we were going to end up crashing as we wanted different things... but then we'd end up in bed... with both of us probably initiating it on different occasions

He ended it the day I told him "just let me go please if you aren't ever going to want a baby"

And he's stuck to it and it's become a big breakup since with me trying to stay friends... because I bloody miss him and it feels like he's so unique in the way we could talk for hours

exactly as COunt says - OP you haven't sabotaged it, you couldn't do anything to change his mind re kids, and you both wouldn't shift on this, so how did you sabotage it?
If you are not prepared to give up on having another child, then whatever you did wouldn't change the outcome with this guy - clearly!
Maybe the best way to move on is to imagine how being with him equals ruining your dream of having DC, so that may put you off him. At hte moment you ar stuck in some delusion that you can have both him and another DC so you have a rose-tinted vision of him.

Yeah. I feel I sabotaged it because initially he WAS open to having more. He even joked about it on our first date.

Through my interactions with him he concluded actually not for a while.

Then concluded never.

If he had actually been given a chance to fall in love with me - I feel he would have easily had more. And probably will with someone else too.

I didn't let him fall though. I charged in and then pressured him and resented him for having kids plural when I didn't and got jealous when he spoke of how tough handling his all at once is etc

Basically I let him know I'm an emotional wreck... and I could have just kept quiet and let him rescue me. But now someone else will have him... and he probably deserves someone else. Just wish it had been my bit of happiness I had held onto

Do you reckon you could rescue yourself? Would you personally want the responsibility of rescuing someone else?

I doubt you could have kept any "emotional wreck" hidden, it usually reveals itself one way or another.

Keep talking, keep writing. I know how hard the pain is. And I also know that you will get through it.

Have you looked into the concept of 'future faking'? - I mention this as you said in your post about joking about having more babies on your first date.

What do you reckon you'd want the most... another child or him? If we are to say the two are mutually exclusive.

I think it's an easy out for him. He's blaming you for everything that went wrong and you are falling for it

This wouldn't have happened with the right person. Listen to that. The right person would have supported you. Made you feel strong. Not knocked you down like this.

Just looked up future fakers and yeah quite possibly. I don't think it's intentional though I think his culture is almost reverse the way they do things... decide if you might marry before really dating etc

I was told I acted in a way similar to his exW which is the massive reason why he will never want anything when we broke up. And I can't really deny it - she was quite bullying emotionally and I did lash out at him after being ignored, did badger him with texts, did behave in an embarrassing undignified way. Not begging him back but if I could rewind and do silence instead I would. I'm really ashamed of some of the things I said to him, and gutted after being a victim of abuse myself that I am feared by him as probably abusive.

He says he can still be friends as he knows it didn't come out of nowhere and was just a reaction to him also not behaving very well but he can't go back

What do I want most? If he was in love with me I would say him. Knowing that he isn't then another DC as I know he'd leave anyway and I would regret that I never tried for more because of him

I’m sorry OP but he sounds emotionally immature and I think you’re being too hard on yourself. He talked about having other kids on your first date. There’s nothing wrong in being who you are and being sensitive and emotional and honest about what you want. He’s led you on a bit to be honest. Remember you only have his story about his ex being an emotional bully. He knew you wanted more kids yet still slept with you anyway. He’s not been honest. Cut all contact. He’s not ever going to give you what you want and it’s just too painful for you. You don’t want to be part of him dating other people

Op he never wanted more kids, you did nothing to change that. He’s got three and that’s enough for him. People say stuff on first dates to either get you into bed or to get a second date. You can’t believe everything you’re told in those circumstances. You haven’t sabotaged anything. You both want different things and he was never that into you. He has been stringing you along for sex for several months, you’ve been allowing it because you want him back but that was never going to happen. Op, he’s already been seeing other people no doubt, he’s only told you now because you forced it but he hasn’t been waiting around since October.

Gather your self-respect and never speak to this man again. You say you want to be friends but you don’t, you want more. Ah you’ll get is less frequent sex until he meets his next partner whereupon he’ll stop contacting you. You’ll then feel even worse than you do now. The only way to get over him is to end this mess entirely. Whether or not you meet someone else, this relationship is no loss to you and you’ll realise that eventually. This guy has not been nice to you, he has strung you along over kids and then continued to have sex with you when he knew he was not interested in you and would’ve known how much you liked him. I also think he sounds a bit over you not telling him something that happened in your past. You’re definitely best off out of it.

I don't know. I didn't feel led on. He still wanted more kids until a night we actively "tried" then he went into a panic and decided he wasn't being fair on his kids

He tried breaking up several times, but I always said well I don't know if I will ever have any more kids anyway and we'd carry on

He slept with me without using anything a lot that I just thought he does want more, but can't admit it or let it happen on purpose but would be happy with an "accident" maybe. He even asked me why I didn't just trick him once. Probably he was joking but I wanted to believe it

Maybe I do need to go no contact completely. I just miss him. I like the chats. You're right though I'm only going to get hurt and phased out anyway once he meets someone

Men who are telling you they don’t want a baby don’t use condoms because they prefer the feel of it, not because they secretly want a baby. You must know that surely?

Yeah maybe he has been seeing people already.

I trusted he wasn't, he said he wasn't but maybe he has been

Maybe he isn't the man I built him up in my head to be. I really felt like he was.