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Original poster

Ex wife drama

32 replies

Spindles83 · 01/03/2018 11:33

I've been dating a wonderful man with 3 children, he's been divorced for 2 years. Im not planning on meeting the children for at least a year. All is wonderful except 2 weeks ago his ex wife found out he's in a new relationship and she is using the kids to cause trouble and try to control his life. This is something she's done before apparently.

My bf said she is controlling and immature, she's 29 with 6 children to 3 different men if that matters. He said he will deal with it. I'm just worried that she'll act like this at every point in the relationship. She's trying to stop him seeing the kids and said she will move away as he's always with me. We see eachother 2 nights a weeks and 1 day every 2 weeks as I'm always busy. He said he's not seeing the kids any less and it's all in her head. This is true from what I've seen and he always puts his children first which I agree with. She living with her bf of 2 years and his baby.

Does anyone have experience of this. I'm very to the point and his approach is softer but I'm trying not to get involved. I'm just worried it will keep happening. I love him and don't want her to ruin this and it's effecting his wellbeing and his mum's, who recently lost her husband. I'm sure impact the children if she keeps on like this.

I'm grateful for any advice or personal experience.

OP posts:
Sometimeitrains · 01/03/2018 11:46

How long have you and he been together and how old are the children?.
Ultimately I would say if its early days tread carefully. You dont know their history, you dont know her and there is aways ALWAYS two sides to every story.
Lastly its not really your place to get involved or in the middle of it or decide how it affects the children that is his role as their father to determine.

Noclue123 · 01/03/2018 11:47

Not really anything you can do. He has to just carry on doing what he is doing and seeing/ caring for the kids.

SandyY2K · 01/03/2018 11:56

It's for him to deal with I'm afraid. He should have his custody arrangement via a court order, so she can't just stop access when she wants.

That way he can take her back to court.

OfficerVanHalen · 01/03/2018 11:57

You sneering down your nose at how many kids she has to however many men at whatever age doesn’t paint you in a good light. Just keep your beak out, you haven’t met his kids and a year is a long way off, and you say yourself he’s not seeing any less of them. If there’s ‘drama’ it doesn’t actually involve you (or only by proxy, as he’s passing it along to you).

Original poster
Spindles83 · 01/03/2018 13:16

She is causing drama for him and his family. He is looking at seeking legal advice as she wants to move away to spite him. Asking if anyone has experienced it is something I have every right to ask. You haven't experienced it so not sure why you are posting.

I said if that matters, to me it doesn't matter at all. She could have 20, I'm not judging her on the number of children she has.

OP posts:
Original poster
Spindles83 · 01/03/2018 13:20

We have been together for over a year. I'm not ready to have his children in my life just yet.

He is looking at getting joint custody but it is expensive and he would rather sort it amicably if he can.

Has anyone gotten a court order for custody. What is the process? He is not clued up about the legally of it. I've studied business law so not if much use.

OP posts:
escape · 01/03/2018 13:26

I think the Ex's circumstances are slightly relevant though - it smacks of playing with lives and emotions because she ' can' using her children as weapons - not because she's fighting for her relationship etc with OP's partner.

spunkymom22 · 01/03/2018 13:27

Sounds like he needs to get good legal advice. You might try posting in Legal Matters in Mumsnet, as there are some good lawyers on there. Good luck! I've seen this happen, and it is not fun.

Sometimeitrains · 01/03/2018 13:33

im not ready to have his children in my life just yet

Then dont get involved in how he manages the situation.

LongWalkShortPlank · 01/03/2018 13:37

I would just stay out of it for now. You've said you're not ready to have his children in your life even when you've been together a year. And why would a grown woman with 6 children to look after and her own partner threaten to move just to spite an ex? Sounds to me like you don't have both sides of the story. I bet my ex is saying stuff very similar to this. We had our final court day yesterday and the residence and contact order is on its way to me in the post. I can imagine he is telling his girlfriend all kind of things about how spiteful I am and how controlling when the truth is he was neglecting his child and the court agreed, but he always has blame for someone else no matter what the situation. You can't have it both ways, either stay out of it for now and let him deal with it like he has said, or become more involved so that the kids can be a bigger part of both of your lives.

Ohforfoxsakereturns · 01/03/2018 13:39

What are you worried will keep happening?

He has kids, they will always be in his life. By default so will she. It’s for him to deal with. Don’t judge her - how many children by whatever number of fathers is none of your business. Your bf will have played a role in their lives too, bonds will have been made.
You need to enjoy your relationship and stay out of their relationship.

Ohforfoxsakereturns · 01/03/2018 13:42

I’m wary of any man who puts his XP down to be honest. I’m probably controlling too. We had 4 DCs together, I have full responsibility. He was happy to leave it all to me during our marriage, funny how I’m ‘controlling’ When he decides he wants to see them with no notice and we should accommodate him there and then. 🙄

TheNaze73 · 01/03/2018 15:08

Sadly this is very common, using children as people of both sexes try to cling on for what little power they still have when partners have moved on.

I think your best approach is to play it with a straight bat, smile & don’t let it show that it’s gettig to you.

Hoping love wins over hate for you OP Flowers

Irishtwinmumma · 01/03/2018 16:07

I think you should just let HIM deal with everything. Also remember, you don’t have both sides of the story.....

mustbemad17 · 01/03/2018 16:14

I had to read this very carefully as I wondered if you were the new partner of my friend's ex at first. Very similar situation except she has met the kids far too early before a relationship was even established

You're only getting his side. I know from my friend's situation that the new gf would say she is being unreasonable, using the kids as a weapon blah blah blah, when in actual fact he has been a prick & wasn't putting the needs of his kids first. I only know both sides because my mate shows me the back & forth between them, wondering if she's being unreasonable etc.

You've said you don't want the kids in your life yet, so why are you getting involved? The mother could, rightly so, be worried about your presence for so many reasons, including past issues with new relationships. Until you know both sides - and start taking an active role - you'd be best placed out of it

SandyY2K · 01/03/2018 19:12

I’m wary of any man who puts his XP down to be honest.

Some Exes are a nightmare. Just check out the step parent boards, as they see first hand the drama.

Hissy · 01/03/2018 19:20

The only thing that worked with my oh was for him to tell the ex to fill her boots and if she wanted to stop access/holidays etc, go ahead... it’s all bollocks and power play to get him to suffer. As soon as he stops adding fuel to her sad and bitter little attempts she’ll find something else to do.

Grey rock. Works every time

Bye, a prohibitive steps order stops her taking his dd away... he needs to get legal advice and that will allay a lot of his fears

Masterbuilders · 01/03/2018 19:20

Your post does come across as sneering op. I read it like that as well. At the end of the day, she was once good enough for him to marry and have three kids with.

You do only have one side of the story here and usually the truth is somewhere in the middle. I’d stay well out of it.

Karigan1 · 01/03/2018 19:29

If you aren’t ready to have his children in your life don’t date a man with kids. Either accept the kids or move on

george49 · 01/03/2018 19:33

You've got every right to be concerned as she's got the capacity to truly ruin your relationship.

Encourage him to seek legal advice and get a proper contact schedule in place.

If she's going to be a night are you're better running while you still can

george49 · 01/03/2018 19:34

Karigan don't be ridiculous. The OP is doing the right thing by making sure the relationship is right before she meets the kids.

PhelanThePain · 01/03/2018 19:39

In your shoes OP I would do nothing but watch very carefully how he deals with it. And listen very carefully to the things he says.

This isn’t your issue to solve. You aren’t his “fixer”. He managed his ex prior to you being on the scene, he can work out how to deal with this himself without you.

Karigan1 · 01/03/2018 19:42

She should have an idea if it’s going somewhere after a year yet after a year she doesn’t want anything to do with his kids.

george49 · 01/03/2018 19:43

Except that in a supportive relationship of course you'd help each other.

george49 · 01/03/2018 19:43

That's not what she said Karigan

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