Marriage not going great

[FeelingTiredAndSad]

We've been together for 20 years. We have young DCs in primary school.
We both work. The house is a mess. This is because we are both too tired to tidy up. Im too tired to have sex very often. Although when we do it's great. This upsets DH.
I find it hard not to get annoyed by DH because he drinks too much and then becomes cross. When we do get on and connect he krises be he will address the drinking. But this never really happens for more than a few days. We went to Relate for an assessment interview but haven't followed up on it as I just don't see how we can manage to get the time to go there every week without explaining to someone what we are doing. I don't want to tell anyone we know. I feel like we are failing. DH is too cross and upset to talk to me today and stomped off to work. I'm just so tired. I don't know what to do, I don't want to get divorced. When it's good it's great. But he just won't stop the drinking. I guess it's stress related. Has anyone been in this situation and pulled themselves out of it? (Please don't tell me to LTB it's not helpful)
Thanks.

Not in terms of partner drinking but just spent the laat week trying to find the time for counselling and agreeing to go.
Options tell whoever looks after the kids that you are going on a regular date night.
Alternatively be truthfull. When I mentioned counselling for myself I was suprised by how many people go but dont admit it.

It's not easy when drinking affects the family.
How much does he drink.
You can help from Al-Anon is you have one in your area.
It's meant to be a great support for families who live with alcoholics.
Will he talk at all?
Can you make time to sit down and really talk it all through?
You need to put a routine in place. That would help.
It's horrible living in mess and doesn't do your mental health much good.
I would also suggest you visit your GP about your tiredness.
It may be nothing at all but worth checking anyway.

We have talked so much and always find ourselves back here.

Have mentioned tiredness to an unsympathetic GP in the past who just said "of course you're tired you have young children"

Have asked DH to go to AA so many times. I don't think he quite sees what the issue is. We talk about it from time to time and he makes lots of promises. Then it all falls apart again. I think because he's not a getting up in the morning and downing a bottle of vodka - type drinker he doesn't really believe that the problem is so bad he can't control it.

He drinks every night. Between half to one bottle of wine and a few beers usually.

He says I moan at him all the time. Which is true. I hate moaning. I feel like I would explode if I didn't tell him how I feel though.

Just feel so sad now.

Lots of good couples go to counselling to get better so maybe say it to at least one person so you can get a babysitter. Or hire a teenager or student who won't care where ye are going.
Some counsellors won't pursue couple counselling if there is an alcohol problem involved as that needs specific help. Could you go on your own? So instead of worrying about your dh decide you will look after yourself and take that time for yourself. Another thing is finances. Have you a good handle on finances so precious family money is not spent on drink. He can spend his own personal spending budget on it but not family money. Use it to hire a cleaner as that will help you. If he says ye can't afford it do it anyway and let him runout of drink money. Could you draw up one or two boundaries like you have to sleep in spare room if you had more than xxxx drinks as l am not having a drunken man in my bed.
Focus for the moment on looking after yourself . Leave him with dc and go out to counselling on your own.

Looking at it written down I can see we do need to get some counselling. Even individually might help I suppose.

The thing that makes it really sad is that on the outside I think things seem fine. We really try hard not to argue in front of the kids. But I know they must be picking up on it.
I just feel so guilty for not being able to make this work. It's like we have al the right ingredients but the cake is still curdled.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning from the two of you?. What do you get out of this relationship, what is the payoff here for you?.

You do not want to get divorced but this is really no life for you or your kids either is it?. They see a father who drinks and a mother who is herself stressed out and angry.

I was going to ask you more about his drinking, how many people know about this?. Probably very few but this sort of issue thrives on secrecy. Alcoholism is not called the family disease for nothing. He is drinking for many reasons, perhaps to escape or to forget so not stress in its own right. He won't address the drinking unless he wants to and he has you currently to prop him up and shield him from the consequences of his actions. Both positions here are untenable and you certainly cannot carry on as you are doing.

It takes two to make a marriage work however, and if alcohol is a problem then it affects the whole family unit. I am certain as well that your children have seen and heard far more than you care to realise, they pick up on all the vibes both spoken and unspoken between you and their dad. Do not stay within this simply because or for them, they won't thank you for doing that at all.

I would consider contacting Al-anon.

He does sleep in the other room when he drinks because he snores and I can't sleep then I kept waking him up and we agree it's better for him to go in the other room & get some sleep. Although the kids often wake me anyway- at least I get a few hours in.

We are not totally strapped for cash. Not rich either but doing ok. I am thinking of pointing out to him that the money spent on alcohol would cover the counselling!

The drinking is obviously problematic but I do wonder if you two could find a way to address the other aspects of your post, if he would make more effort with the drinking. Could you get a cleaner for instance so that you are not feeling quite so stressed about the house? Try to actually get a babysitter and have a date night (cinema maybe to avoid more drinking).

I should add, that it's not like I'm tea total myself but I am aware of trying to drink responsibly and try not to drink during the week - this often gets sabotaged by DH coming home with wine.

Even if I have a glass it affects my sleep so would rather not drink during the week. He agrees this is a good plan, then has a stressful day and brings booze home. It makes me annoyed with him as soon as he walks in the door
to be honest.

suggest a BACP qualified couples counsellor. If there’s a chance this - eg going every other week - might change things it could save a lot of money/time in the long run. If you have a regular paid sitter just tell then it’s a regular personal appointment, let them make whatever assumptions they want, or use an agency like sitters (3 hour minimum booking so this is more expensive).

Also if there’s a meeting near you, it’d be good to attend Al Anon yourself, it’s for families of people with drink problems.

The drink problem sounds a huge deal, and for your DCs’ and own sake you may need to leave your H if he is unwilling or unable to change.

We have a cleaner.
I do a massive tidy once a week before she comes.
It lasts about a day.
We are all messy.
We have a token tidy once the
kids are asleep. I just refuse to spend the few hours I have each day not working, washing clothes, cooking, etc doing tidying.
The kitchen & bathroom to get cleaned - it's not unhygienic just messy. Iuswim.

Will check out AA for myself. Thanks.

Ok going to make a list of things to do:

Counselling - either individually or together every other week.

AA for both of us (if he's persuadable)

Date night (no drink)

Sort out a babysitter.

Thanks for taking the time to help me think of proactive things to do. It's helpful.

Al Anon would be for you. He’d need different service: a drink cessation service from the GP or Alcoholics Anonymous. But the drive for that has to come from him: all you can do is set your own (and DCs’) boundaries.

I’d forget “date night” for now to be honest. Pointless if the main problem is booze.

So is Al Anon different from Alcoholics Anonymous?

(Sorry not gone down this route before)

What Dozer wrote.

Al-anon is for you to attend. Counselling as well would be helpful to you alone.

He is unlikely to attend any drink cessation type programmes mainly because he is in denial that he has a problem. Importantly too he is showing you no indication at all that he actually wants to stop drinking.

You can only help your own self ultimately. You cannot help your husband.

Are you depressed? Hormonal? Do you have any symptoms of low thyroid?

It's hard to see things clearly when you're exhausted, as everything seems overwhelming.

I think you both sound lovely, and like this is definitely worth saving.

I'd recommend loads of sex, a ban on nagging, and that you tackle your tiredness like a mission with every supplement you can get, a proper chat with your GP, and full blood tests.

Take a long weekend to do a massive decluttering effort in your house. Have enough furniture do that everything has a home without being cramped. Tidy the house to within an inch of its life and set up a routine where everything is put away after use.

Organise a sport you can both do a couple of times a week. That should hopefully mean that he can't drink on those days and will start to break the habit. You'll also have fun as a couple and should encourage closeness.

Do you have enough storage at home?
Is either of you a hoarder?
When was the last time you decluttered your house?
Is having an au pair too much? Because keeping tidy house and having a babysitter would be sorted then.

Loads of sex and “ban on nagging” when key issues include that OP’s DH has an alcohol problem and doesn’t do his fair share of domestic work?

Yeah that’ll help OP loads

Thanks whatsgoingoneh