Marriage not going great

[FeelingTiredAndSad]

We've been together for 20 years. We have young DCs in primary school.
We both work. The house is a mess. This is because we are both too tired to tidy up. Im too tired to have sex very often. Although when we do it's great. This upsets DH.
I find it hard not to get annoyed by DH because he drinks too much and then becomes cross. When we do get on and connect he krises be he will address the drinking. But this never really happens for more than a few days. We went to Relate for an assessment interview but haven't followed up on it as I just don't see how we can manage to get the time to go there every week without explaining to someone what we are doing. I don't want to tell anyone we know. I feel like we are failing. DH is too cross and upset to talk to me today and stomped off to work. I'm just so tired. I don't know what to do, I don't want to get divorced. When it's good it's great. But he just won't stop the drinking. I guess it's stress related. Has anyone been in this situation and pulled themselves out of it? (Please don't tell me to LTB it's not helpful)
Thanks.

It all sounds like doom and gloom I realise - I wrote the post this morning after he'd gone off in a mood.

He's not ALWAYS in a bad mood. Just quite often lately.

However I also know when it's good it's good. It's trying to work on maximising the good. I know this. Things are not all black & white here at all.
Will try all ideas. Much appreciated everyone thank you

Decluttering is certainly a good idea. I do this when I have the time. Not hoarders but our place is very small. No room for an au pair!

Unfortunately, the alcohol is the problem here. There is absolutely no point in trying to "force" him to do anything about it with ultimatums etc as he will only start to recover if he reaches out for help because it's what he truly wants for himself. It is really hard for him because alcoholics are essentially allergic to alcohol which produces a craving effect once they start - they literally cannot stop.

In some ways it is harder when an alcoholic is highly functioning because, on the surface, it's not disrupting their life to a high degree. If he is not going on massive benders where he wakes up in jail in Ibiza or whatever, it is a lot easier for him to dismiss it as a problem and believe he can control it. (He cannot control it, by the way, and the problem WILL get worse).

If he does not look like he is likely to want to get help with this, then you have to decide if you can put up with it in the long term. As Atilla says, at the moment you are enabling him because you pick up the pieces and find solutions for him.

Al Anon is a sister organisation of AA - it is for partners and family of alcoholics and actually has its own 12-point plan which can help partners who have essentially become co-dependent with the alcoholic to break that cycle and stop enabling them.

If he does have an epiphany and realise he cannot control his alcohol intake and it is basically ruining his life, AA has an amazing track record for helping people to recover - it really can work for those who engage with the programme 100%.

You sound like you feel responsible for his stress and drinking. You are not. Look after yourself. Even just get counselling for yourself to get strong. I'm tired of women being forced into this situation. Partner takes no responsibility for the mental - and often practical work - of the family. Any time the woman reminds him of something that needs done for the family, she is 'nagging'. See how the language used has negative connotations of an unreasonable harpy unfairly berating the working man, leader of the house, demeaning him and burdening him after he is taking his desperately need solace and rest after a hard day's labour. He needs a rest and to destress after this work any way he chooses: drink, sex, gaming. And his need for this must be respected and facilitated by his partner.

Thank you Dollius I am sure he finds it easy to dismiss as just me blaming other stuff on the drinking.

DH is not a man to respond to ultimatums. He will only ever do something that he perceives of as being his idea.
He is also a bit of an all or nothing type.
Will check out AlAnon for sure.

Yes totally see what you mean fox.

I also think both people are responsible for making a relationship work. And he has told me that he feels I'm constantly telling him he's wrong. I probably am. That can't feel nice.

I'm not justifying his behaviour. I'm always reminding him of what needs to change. That's when the pressure builds up and we reach a conflict situation. Then he will be angry and not want to speak to me for ages until I persuade him to talk and we make up and promise to try harder.

I don't stay angry for as long as he does. That's just our different natures.

It's a pattern. It's tiring and stressful and I suppose I know deep down that we need help to break it.

I agree, the drinking issue needs major attention.
Would either or both of you cutting down your working days/hours be an option?

What about trying a rota of chores for everyone to get involved in.

What do you mean that he “doesn’t want to speak to you for ages” or sulks when you fall out? How long is ages?

He doesn't think I'm nagging if I ask him to do anything for the kids. He helps around the house / but is here less than me so has less time to help. Also he does that annoying male thing of not noticing what needs to be done.

He gets defensive when he perceives criticism.
I suppose it's hard to take. I don't think he sees the alcohol as being the main issue.
He sees the things that annoy him about me as being equally contributing factors to the situation.

When we are not falling out we are very loving towards one another. It's why it makes me feel so sad. And reluctant to leave. I love him.

Dozer I mean if we argue he finds it hard to let go of being annoyed / upset.

Whereas I will have the argument one minute and be trying to talk our way round to forgiveness the next.

We argued last night.
He was still cross this morning.
He will ignore my texts all day.
He will probably speak to me later after the kids are asleep.

I should add I won't text him ALL day! I have text him to ask him to try and stop feeling cross & call he at lunch time.
He probably won't.

His family are fairly high maintenance- they fall out.

Mine aren't - I did not grow up with conflict. I say how I feel and then try to make peace.

It's just how we are. Both annoying on occasion no doubt!

A whole day of ignoring you after a falling out is pretty toxic behaviour.

It sounds like you are carrying the “mental load” for the family. You refer, for example, to asking him to do things and him “helping”. Was him being at home less (presumably due to working/commuting time) agreed between you?

How many units a week do you reckon he is drinking, and how much mightthis cost?

I've found an AlAnon group.
Going next week.
Thanks all 🙏🏽

Well done OP.
That's the 1st step.
I hope it helps you.
Hopefully you being pro-active will help your DH do something similar.

Fingers crossed!

You can't stop his drinking only he can do that. Keeping the house clean and tidy is a problem for a lot of people. Agree with decluttering because being clean and tidy is a lot harder if you have a lot of clutter. Could your cleaner come for an extra session a week till you get more sorted out.