Disagreement with DH

[Thistledew]

DS is 19 months. He has a bit of a cough - maybe half a dozen times today he has given a phlegm's sounding cough but it doesn't seem to b troubling him much. However, he is obviously a bit under the weather as he has had two naps today whereas he has normally now dropped to one. As a result he is struggling to get to sleep tonight.

DH insisted that DS needs calpol as "he probably has a headache and he has a cough". I disagreed in that he doesn't appear to be in discomfort. Yes, paracetamol generally makes DS a bit sleepy so it is likely to help him sleep but I don't think it is reasonable to dish it out just for that reason.

Would you give calpol in this situation?

I know this seems like a disagreement over nothing and I'm probably being unreasonable but I'm in a very irritable mood for a whole host of reasons and finding it very easy to be annoyed with DH.

Yep. Calpol all the way. I have 5 kids and I won't do him any harm but could put him out of his discomfort.

At that age it's hard for them to tell you if they have a headache or sore throat, so I'd probably give calpol of they had other signs of a cold and were generally grouchy or whimpering. Most likely not just for a cough - as you say, he may just not be tired yet if he had an extra nap.

Not sure it's really worth falling out over though either way

Give him calpol FGS!

does he have a temperature at all and grisly as yes I would give calpol

Calpol won't make him sleep unless he's in pain and that's stopping him sleeping- do you take paracetamol when you have a cold/ cough/ headache?

No temperature and not at all grizzly. In fact the problem was the exact opposite and he was running around full of beans at bath time.

IMO DH is over-keen to resort to medication- he was recently suffering from indigestion/heartburn after we had a sickness bug and went off to the Doctor to get Omeprazole, rather than first trying some live yogurt and/or Gaviscon.

Calpol has zero sleep inducing properties. It does not make babies or children drowsy. The only reason it would help sleep if is there was pain which was then relieved and it had been stopping the child sleeping.

It does seem to make him sleepy Rockerfella. I'm not against giving it to him if I do think he is in discomfort but don't like to medicate unless he seems to be in discomfort.

Calpol won't make him sleep unless he's in pain and that's stopping him sleeping- do you take paracetamol when you have a cold/ cough/ headache?

Exactly this - it's just paracetamol, it has no power to put a child to sleep. What's happening is they want to sleep, and can't because they're in pain/discomfort, so you give them paracetamol, and they can finally get a bit of kip.

Mine are old enough now that I can offer (and they only accept if actually ill as they can't stand the taste), but when they're little, if they're rarely ill, I'd err on the side of a dose.

Even if I'm wrong about it seeming to make him sleepy, that seems to be even less reason to give it.

He is finally asleep but only after a further breastfeed, which is what I would have done anyway. I was anticipating that it would take him a while to get to sleep and that he would be asking for several feeds, and that I would probably have to let him have a bit of a grumble in his cot.

I think that I am just feeling a bit resentful of DH - he means well "let's just give DS calpol then he will go to sleep easily". No, DH, he will go to sleep after I spend ages feeding him and reading to him and helping him go off. It's bloody hard work for me and I'm sorry that's so inconvenient for you.

Is the issue your unwell son or your DH's general attitude?

I wouldn't have hesitated to give calpol but what else are you getting at here? Do you reckon your DH saw calpol as some sort of method to just get the little one to shut up and sleep?

Calpol doesn’t make children sleep. If they are feeling unwell and have calpol they are more likely to sleep once feeling a little better.

I don’t advocate taking paracetamol at the drop of a hat but if he’s got a cough and under the weather then I’d give him some before bedtime

Calpol exists to soothe cold symptoms I don't understand why you wouldn't give it to your sick child?

Your dh may be too keen to medicate himself but that shouldn't make you actively not give your child medicine just because your dh suggested it.

Yep, I’m with your dh and I’d be giving Calpol in that situation.

I'd definitely give Calpol. I'm extremely liberal with it (not in terms of dosage of course!! Just when to use it) because little children are terrible at knowing what's bothering them.

Babies are likely to sleep better if their pain is managed. Even if they get to sleep, they may be wakeful as they dip in and out of deep sleep if they're niggled by a little discomfort. Calpol can even take the edge off a slightly scratchy/ coughy feeling, which again isn't a pain thing, but can still wake a baby who's slightly poorly. So why not head all that off at the pass and dose before bed... It's not going to hurt them.

You sound like you're at the end of your tether and feeling unappreciated and as a result you're being a bit unreasonable.

I'm just feeling a huge heap of resentment at the moment and I don't know how much is justified being directed at DH.

DS is delightful, but at a very demanding stage. He will play on his own for only a few minutes before he is tugging at my hand for me to join him or for him to join in what I am doing. DH does take DS off my hands at the weekends but relies quite a lot on the TV to entertain him rather than playing with him.

DH is often complaining of aches and injuries and merrily trots off to physio- my shoulders are constantly painful from carrying and feeding DS but me getting out to physio etc is five times as difficult to arrange as it has to fit with DS's schedule. DH complains about feeling unfit- I am seriously missing being able to do regular exercise and would kill for the ability to cycle to work regularly or to go swimming in my lunch break.

DH has just got a new job he is very pleased with. I'm struggling with working my free-lance work in part time hours, either having to work at the weekends or suffering from a lack of work because I really need to be full time in order to build up my work flow.

And one stupid little thing- pre DS, DH and I used to have an almost psychic way of communicating where we could have an entire conversation by pretty much just grunting at each other and would know perfectly what the other meant. We now seem to have lost that. I have noticed that DH tunes out when I am talking to DS, and he often doesn't notice and tune back in when I then speak to him (DH). I have to repeat myself, or sometimes he asks me to repeat myself but if I just stay silent and wait he will then actually reveal that he did hear me but still asked for a repeat. I don't get this. If DS is in the house I am continually tuned in to what he is saying and doing even if he is with someone else.

This does connect to my starting point. I'm exhausted looking after DS and I think that DH doesn't realise quite how hard I work at it. I think he takes shortcuts or easy options that I don't because they are not in DS's best interests, but then thinks I'm being a martyr or am just not competent when things seem difficult for me.

Does any of this make sense? I'm worried about where our relationship is going.

It makes total sense.

I'm wondering if this calpol incident is actually a bit of a red herring?

Toddlers are bloody unreasonable demanding tyrants at times. They can push the best of us to our limits so in that regard it is not unusual for him to be tugging at you or demanding your attention.

Do you reckon there is any merit to the martyr argument? Of course you wouldn't ever jeopardise your son's well-being but a few hours infront of the TV or fiddling around with an i-Pad won't be the unravelling of your son.

And another thing, your DH doesn't "take DS off my hands at the weekends". Being a parent is being a parent full stop. He (DH) isn't doing you a favour.

I reckon what you have here is a case of carrying the mental load. How long have you been feeling like this? Did you ever struggle with PND following the birth of your son - I ask because you mention how different life was before DS came along wrt your relationship.

Babies are like throwing bombs into a relationship. What you need to do is separate out the differences between how you feel about being a mother (the demands of motherhood) and the extent to which your H is supporting you (as a partner and a father to his son).

Have you told him or had a discussion about how you are feeling?

Give him the flipping Calpol!

I think that I am just feeling a bit resentful of DH - he means well "let's just give DS calpol then he will go to sleep easily". No, DH, he will go to sleep after I spend ages feeding him and reading to him and helping him go off. It's bloody hard work for me and I'm sorry that's so inconvenient for you.

What's he doing while your b/f and putting ds to bed?

bobster

Read the flipping thread!

You need to address the relationship problem I think. It’s not fair for it to be easy for dh to get to the physio and hard for you - I assume you’re looking after ds while he goes so I’d expect him to pull his finger out and do me the same courtesy. Re the tv etc it’s mixed, but I think you have a point re easy parenting. It’s like a take away here and there isn’t bad for children, but if dh always got takeaways when looking after them then I am left solely responsible for all the healthy meals and can’t take any easy options because it would shift the balance to poor parenting. He needs to share the hard stuff not just consider his parenting time as filling time till the active engagemd caring ( and exhausted) parent is back in deck.

Can't believe so many people advocate giving medicine to a child who doesn't appear to have any pain He didn't have a temperature, was running around full of beans and yet most of you would dish out the paracetamol 'just in case'?

I'm with you OP, I would have taken the route of possibly more resistance rather than give him unnecessary medicine which has no sleep inducing properties at all.

I know parents who used to give Medised, which I believe does make DCs drowsy, so that their DCs' nap time would be convenient for lunch etc. Horrifying that people are so liberal with the medicine - I know its low doses, but FFS that's not what its for!

I'm exhausted looking after DS and I think that DH doesn't realise quite how hard I work at it. I think he takes shortcuts or easy options that I don't because they are not in DS's best interests, but then thinks I'm being a martyr or am just not competent when things seem difficult for me. This is obviously the root cause of your situation with DH and something that needs sorting. How long are you planning to keep BF? Are you thinking child-led or do you have a time frame in mind. I'm in awe of anyone who can do it for that long, it is draining physically and emotionally. Maybe its something to look at so that you can start to put yourself first sometimes and not end up 'martyring' yourself (for all the right reasons).

I will give him Calpol before bed. I think your husband is right

Errrrm she asked, specifically, would you give Calpol in this situation?
I'm thinking of her poorly ds suffering because of an argument his parents are having about who's right and who's wrong!