Disagreement with DH

[Thistledew]

DS is 19 months. He has a bit of a cough - maybe half a dozen times today he has given a phlegm's sounding cough but it doesn't seem to b troubling him much. However, he is obviously a bit under the weather as he has had two naps today whereas he has normally now dropped to one. As a result he is struggling to get to sleep tonight.

DH insisted that DS needs calpol as "he probably has a headache and he has a cough". I disagreed in that he doesn't appear to be in discomfort. Yes, paracetamol generally makes DS a bit sleepy so it is likely to help him sleep but I don't think it is reasonable to dish it out just for that reason.

Would you give calpol in this situation?

I know this seems like a disagreement over nothing and I'm probably being unreasonable but I'm in a very irritable mood for a whole host of reasons and finding it very easy to be annoyed with DH.

He didn't have a temperature, was running around full of beans and yet most of you would dish out the paracetamol 'just in case'?
Kids are like that though, aren't they? Under the weather one minute, then full of beans the next. Doesn't mean he's not going to feel crook again half an hour later. He had a cough, and was feeling unwell enough for extra naps. Sounds under the weather to me and he wouldn't be able to communicate a headache/sore throat/ general overwhelming feeling of lurgy! Calpol would have made it easier for him and you too, op, nothing wrong in that.

Your update was full of resentment though, which I totally get, as my early days with DC were just the same. All I can suggest which will help in the long run is calling dh out whenever he tunes out or takes your involvement for granted, and make sure he does his fair share of childcare and housework, esp as you would like to keep your job going. It's easy to fall into the position of doing everything to help everyone else out yet forget about keeping yourself (and career) going. And then feeling unappreciated and martyred.

I agree that the calpol is what you are focssing your other resentments on. Maybe you could discuss these with OH. Becoming a parent changes the balance in a relationship and the only way through is to talk.

And yes I would also have given calpol in the situation you describe.

Thanks for all the replies. I really do appreciate it.

Vladmir - thanks in particular for your thoughtful post. I do feel I'm struggling a bit at the moment. I don't think it is pnd as DS was a very easy baby and I enjoyed maternity leave much more than I thought I would. I always feared that I would not be suited to being a sahm and think I am now hitting the point that I thought I would struggle with.

I do realise that DH has equal responsibility as a parent and he does genuinely have a great relationship with DS, but DS is very demanding of my attention even when DH is there so he quite literally does take DS off my hands.

I am gradually trying to wean DS, but he is very fond of his "boo-boo" and I think we are a way off dropping his morning and evening feeds. He is generally a cheerful little thing and I have no heart to force the issue.

I haven't really spoken to DH about quite how down I'm feeling. I haven't properly got my head around it myself yet.

Cherry - mostly DS will go down in about 15/20 mins of story and bf. He either falls asleep on the breast or will go in his cot sleepy and settle himself. DH does his bath as soon as he gets in from work and then I take over to put him to bed whilst DH has some down time. It's not normally a hassle to do so I don't find it an issue.

It's only if he has too much sleep in the day that he struggles. He is mostly down to one nap a day but as he was a bit poorly today he needed a sleep in the afternoon as well as one this morning.

I think you're projecting an awful lot onto your dh. He might have been right. Giving ds calpol might well have helped him to go off to sleep because it would have taken care of any aches and pains he was feeling because he's ill which were stopping him from sleeping. You took the martyr route to breastfeed and cuddles etc. If that's the way you choose to do it and you're the only one that can breastfeed, what's dh meant to do?

And he's in the wrong because he seeks medical help when he needs it and you don't? What's that about?

FFS it's Calpol not heroin. I've never understood this preciousness over a basic pain killer.

Small children can't vocalise discomfort - if you stick to the dose, it can't do any harm but could make a huge difference to your DC.

I got a telling off from my health visitor about this; she was in doing the usual checks they do for new baby, and my older toddler was coughing away but otherwise seemed fine; just grumpy. She asked if I'd given calpol, and at that point I hadn't - she told me off. Not in a harsh way but just "if in doubt, give calpol. If he is in pain, he can't tell you and is just suffering so won't sleep easily and will grump and you're denying him relief. If he's not in pain, the calpol won't do any harm". Obviously, once they get a bit bigger they can tell you if something hurts but while they can't, just err on the side of "they might need some relief".

Time to think about putting DS into childcare for a least a few hours per week so you can focus more attention on your career/going to physio/exercising/whatever else you would benefit from doing?

Biology - I do appreciate that DH and I have differences of opinion regarding seeking medical advice. I think that sometimes he goes off to the doctor when it's not really necessary and I'm sure he thinks I don't get treatment when I perhaps could.

Ch4nges - you are right. I am very lucky that we have family who are able to look after DS for 3 days every other week, but I think my own sanity needs something every week now and I am looking into other childcare as well.

I’d have given him calpol too. It’s paracetamol, not heroin. If it makes him comfortable enough to sleep I don’t see the issue.

However, you know that’s not the real issue :(

It’s hard when your relationship changes so much and it’s only going to get worse if you can’t come to some mid-point about how you parent DS. Neither of you are actually wrong, but you are very different and that will cause issues. He’ll get fed up with your ‘preachy, martyr, oh woe is me’ attitude and you’ll get fed up of his ‘lazy, she’ll be right mate’ attitude.

I hope you can work through it.

Give your child Calpol and leave your DH alone. Jesus Christ.

@Brownsocksinabox RTFT. Jesus Christ!