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Original poster

Low libido ruining relationship

46 replies

BlackInk · 28/02/2018 16:58

My partner and I have been together for over 20 years. We are in our mid-40s and have two children (DS age 8 and DD age 6).

My libido is pretty much non-existent. This could be due to a number of factors - 8 heartbreaking years TTC and 2 devastating losses, sudden and fairly early menopause about 18 months ago, general exhaustion from working full time and trying to hold family and home life together, I have a hiatus hernia and often feel sick and uncomfortable, I suffer from anxiety... I could go on.

My partner is recently getting very angry that I never want to have sex. I never ever feel like it and have to force myself, but usually enjoy it and always feel better afterwards for a bit. We probably have sex once or twice a week at the moment. It's never very spontaneous and always his idea.

He's started to get really angry with me when I reject his advances - shouts, argues, sulks. I know he feels rejected and frustrated.

But I feel constantly under huge pressure from him and afraid that if I turn him down it will lead to another argument.

I did use to have a high sex drive, but in all honesty that was a long time ago now. I do love to be physically close to him and be touched by him, just not in a sexual way.

Posts I've read on here suggest that it's not fair to expect someone to live in a relationship without sex. But we DO have sex. Is he fair to put me under so much pressure all the time?

He makes me feel as though it's me in the wrong. But I can't help the way I feel - constantly anxious, always exhausted, often ill.

How can we make this right? I do love him. I love our family and I don't want anyone else.

Sorry this is so long. Congratulations if you made it to the end!

OP posts:
Poshindevon · 28/02/2018 17:19

You have sex but for you it is a chore. Do you not understand thst this is not pleasant for your DH he wants his wife back.
Why are you holding onto the past?
You have two healthy children and a loving husband.
Have you had hormone treatment for your early menopause? Have you spoken to the doctor about how you feel?
I am sure you want your life to improve but only you can do this and if your husband sees you are making an effort he will hopefully understand and support yoi.

SebsPrincess · 28/02/2018 17:35

If it makes you feel any better, we are both so knackered with work and kids I think its been about 2 months, but honestly can't remember. I want to, he wants to but we want sleep more and kids that go to bloody bed.
I think Poshindevon is right, go see the doctor, they might help get you back on track

Shakesonaboat · 28/02/2018 17:39

It’s sounds very pressured. Does he not realise that reacting like this isn’t helping? Forcing yourself to have sex cant be nice.

I feel for you.

NotTheFordType · 28/02/2018 17:52

If you're having it twice a week then he's being an absolutely unreasonable cunt.

Twice a week with two young children, physical illness and early menopause? Most men in that situation would be on their knees thanking the gods if they got it twice a week!

It sounds like you're currently having sex you don't want because you fear his reaction. Stop doing that right now. Having sex you don't want is only going to further damage your relationship and your sex drive.

I personally would be insisting on marriage counselling, or divorce.

RLOU88 · 28/02/2018 17:56

Poshindevon - are you sure? What planet are you on.

Looby4 · 28/02/2018 18:02

I think, like others, that in your situation twice a week is good, and, compared to people on the regular "How often do you have sex?" threads that appear here every so often, you're doing it more often than most Mumsnetters! Have you sought help with HRT, or other natural options, to combat the Libido issue - you might feel a lot better in yourself, skin, hair etc. and then might feel more like sex. I think trying to talk through how you feel with your DH away from the kids and general hubub of life might work, if you can get out.

gottachangethename1 · 28/02/2018 18:03

Twice a week! He’s being an arse op and I totally get you. I am the same, but there is far far less frequency . My dh would be ecstatic if we did it once a month!

Dissimilitude · 28/02/2018 18:08

As someone on the wrong end of a sexless relationship, twice a week is an absolute shag fest as far as I’m concerned. He’s a dick.

Heartshapedfairylights · 28/02/2018 18:10

I thought the same RLOU

OP, he’s totally unreasonable! You have a lot of stress and health issues going on there AND he’s still getting sex twice a week. He should think himself lucky ffs!

Does he help you out with the kids and house?

Nevertheless, I think you should go along to the doctors to see if they can offer some help.

Flowers
Smeaton · 28/02/2018 18:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/02/2018 19:30

Tell your asshole of a husband that the BEST way to ensure you will never, EVER want to have sex with him again is to continue to harass and verbally abuse you. Expressing his desire for more sex is one thing, but SHOUTING at you is abuse. End of story. I'd tell him to fuck off.

Quartz2208 · 28/02/2018 19:34

I think he has conditioned you to thinking that it’s your low libido but once/twice a week is above average for couples in their 40s with two children.

He is an arse clearly.

I would suggest sex is off the table for a month as t has become the focus - tell him you need his attention on other parts of your relationship

BackInTheRoom · 28/02/2018 20:25

TWICE A WEEK! He should be bloody grateful! He's unreasonable!

StarlightSparkle · 28/02/2018 20:39

Twice a week is way more than most people with young children I’m sure! And you have health issues,etc too. He’s definitely being unreasonable.

How is your relationship otherwise? Does he berate you about other things? I went off sex with my husband and in hindsight realise it was nothing to do with my libido but because he was being a selfish arse and I felt really resentful towards him.

Kingsclerelass · 28/02/2018 20:48

What RLOU said.

Twice a week is fine to my mind when also coping with 2 small children. He's asking too much.

DenPerry · 28/02/2018 21:12

Twice a week is a shagfest as soneone said earlier! That's the amount we had in the early days He is being a total arse.

Josuk · 28/02/2018 21:29

OP - of course, as everybody already said here - pressuring and getting angry at you isn’t right.

However - the situation - one partner in a relationship has a higher drive, and the other person doesn’t feel up to it - this situation can’t be patched up easily. And it would lead to a breakdown of a relationship.
So - there are a few real options:

  • figure out what is going on with your libido - if it’s medically driven, or if anything can help
  • deal with your exhaustion - somehow - strangely - exercise sometimes helps with that - improves sleep, increases energy, etc
  • deal with you anxiety - are you possibly depressed? That can decrease libido as well

Finally - and that is an unorthodox option and won’t work for many people - opening up the relationship for the higher-drive person...

Sorry.
I don’t think there is a magic bullet here.

JoJoSM2 · 28/02/2018 21:33

You could try couple's therapy. It sounds like a slippery slope with a lot of resentment building.

Growingstuff · 28/02/2018 22:44

Or, just ltb. He doesn't sound very nice!

Enuffsenuffsenuff · 28/02/2018 22:50

Totally unacceptable for him to manipulate you by sulking etc - especially as twice a week is hardly a desert! His behaviour is totally unacceptable.

MrsDilber · 28/02/2018 23:00

Sex once or twice a week is above average, in long term relationships, I'd say

Yanbu and you certainly don't have a sexless marriage.

BitOutOfPractice · 28/02/2018 23:08

Any time anyone emotionally manipulates anyone into having sex that they don't want it is abuse. Anyone who says tug need to work harder to make this abusive arsehole happy is just excusing his disgusting behaviour

Cambionome · 28/02/2018 23:17

Ignore the absolutely fucking stupid post from Poshindevon.

You have a young family, work full-time, often feel unwell and on top of that you are pressured into sex by an emotionally abusive man-child??

I'm not surprised you are struggling!

Cuban8 · 28/02/2018 23:18

Frankly, I think the "two times a week" is irrelevant. As you've said yourself, you never ever feel like it and have to force yourself. If it was everyday, once a week, once a month or once a year, if you have to force yourself, it's never going to be enjoyable for either party in the long run.

I don't understand why he would want to DTD if you have to force yourself. Who would want that?

You need to see someone together to help you with this, or as pps have rightly said, resentment will build for certain

ChickenMom · 01/03/2018 00:04

Twice a week!!?? Blimey. Twice a year is about average for most people I know with young kids and all the stuff you’ve got going on! He’s having a laugh! You haven’t got low libido. If you told a GP this, they’d tell you that you are normal. What you do have is an unreasonable dick of a DH.