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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Low libido ruining relationship

46 replies

BlackInk · 28/02/2018 16:58

My partner and I have been together for over 20 years. We are in our mid-40s and have two children (DS age 8 and DD age 6).

My libido is pretty much non-existent. This could be due to a number of factors - 8 heartbreaking years TTC and 2 devastating losses, sudden and fairly early menopause about 18 months ago, general exhaustion from working full time and trying to hold family and home life together, I have a hiatus hernia and often feel sick and uncomfortable, I suffer from anxiety... I could go on.

My partner is recently getting very angry that I never want to have sex. I never ever feel like it and have to force myself, but usually enjoy it and always feel better afterwards for a bit. We probably have sex once or twice a week at the moment. It's never very spontaneous and always his idea.

He's started to get really angry with me when I reject his advances - shouts, argues, sulks. I know he feels rejected and frustrated.

But I feel constantly under huge pressure from him and afraid that if I turn him down it will lead to another argument.

I did use to have a high sex drive, but in all honesty that was a long time ago now. I do love to be physically close to him and be touched by him, just not in a sexual way.

Posts I've read on here suggest that it's not fair to expect someone to live in a relationship without sex. But we DO have sex. Is he fair to put me under so much pressure all the time?

He makes me feel as though it's me in the wrong. But I can't help the way I feel - constantly anxious, always exhausted, often ill.

How can we make this right? I do love him. I love our family and I don't want anyone else.

Sorry this is so long. Congratulations if you made it to the end!

OP posts:

Lkjem · 01/03/2018 00:44

How can getting angry with you resolve anything? If someone was stressing me out nagging & getting angry the last thing I would feel is affection.
Twice a week is more than enough he being a complete shit.
You're having a really hard time and all be can do is rant about sex. Can't you explain that pressure to have sex in this way has the exact opposite effect? Shouldn't he be treating you well and caring about your health right now as opposed to his bloody penis!
Never known extreme selfishness to be a way to more sex.
It's not your fault. He is being a self obsessed git.

Original poster

BlackInk · 01/03/2018 09:59

Oh god. Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply - varied opinions are welcome as I know there's no easy fix here. I'm in work now so can't come back in much detail. He does his fair share with the kids and day to day jobs. We had a big, serious talk last night and things are a bit easier between us. He says he's going to try to be kinder.
I've tried saying to him that a couple of times a week is probably quite normal (frequent even) for people in our circumstances, but he says it's irrelevant because it's not enough for him...
I'll come back later, but thanks again folks x

OP posts:

Smeaton · 01/03/2018 10:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JoJoSM2 · 01/03/2018 10:10

That's how it is - it's about what works for you in your relationship and not the Joneses or the Smiths.

Talith · 01/03/2018 10:16

Having sex when you don't want it is soul destroying. I'm sorry you're subject to this emotional blackmail and what is class as physical abuse. I've done it when I didn't want to (for years) within a "happy" marriage and it left me with a drink problem. And I'm now separated. It won't change unless one or both of you makes a change so the q is is that likely? Relate perhaps? Else it may be a matter of time before like me you decide sanity is worth more than the marriage.

Confusad · 01/03/2018 10:33

He’s going to try to be kinder..?! WTF!

He sounds like an entitled selfish arse. Sorry but no respectful husband acts like that. If he needs more sex that much he should fuck off somewhere else.

Itssosunny · 01/03/2018 10:36

Twice a week is pretty normal. Your Dh is being a dick.

JaneEyre70 · 01/03/2018 10:41

There is nothing more off-putting than a sex pest and I'm surprised you ever want to have sex with him. Does he manipulate you in other areas of your lives too or is it just sexually? And is he watching a lot of porn?

I think you need to tell him how unattractive this is making him to you and is having the exact opposite effect that he is intending.

Vitalogy · 01/03/2018 11:00

He needs to make friends with the palm of his hand.

newcarsmell · 01/03/2018 11:13

You need to change your title to 'selfish sex pest ruining relationship'.

Original poster

BlackInk · 01/03/2018 11:16

This is making me so sad. I don't think he's a bad person. I do think we've got into a bad position in our relationship. It's really, really important to him. He feels unloved and unwanted by me. I prioritise other things. I know I do. But I keep coming back to the fact that we DO have sex, just not as much as he wants / needs.

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 01/03/2018 11:21

because you have both made sex into the focus. I stand by my suggestion that actually taking it off the table for an agreed period of time will help. You are both so focussed on it from a different perspective and its making you both feel unloved and unwanted. Sex does not equal that though it is just one facet of that.

Smeaton · 01/03/2018 11:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Witchofthenorth · 01/03/2018 11:34

He doesn't need sex more he wants it more. And that is fine, but at the moment the dynamics of your relationship determine that those wants cannot be met.
This is where he should be being kind and understanding and helping you. He should be loving you not pestering you for sex he doesn't need.
You both need intimacy and caring. I am with smeaton, I am also sad that he has made you feel that his sec drive is your problem. Your issue and priority is to you.
A good relationship is one where you both help one another through the various mismatches that happen through life. At this time, your sex drive is lower than his. I am sure at some point there will be a time he will need your care and support, and I bet he would get upset if your were as unkind with your words as he is to you?

Hotdoggity · 01/03/2018 11:43

Sex is not his entitlement. He clearly thinks it is. How one sided is the sex? I would imagine you’ve had some very DH centres sex for a long time - it’s common to think you’ve lost your libido, when in fact, you don’t want sex because it’s not good for you. So many women think they’re to blame for a loss of libido when in fact they’ve just reached a stage where they don’t want selfish sex anymore. And that’s okay. That’s good.

Witchofthenorth · 01/03/2018 12:14

And as an aside, me and DP fancy the pants off each other and would shag all the time if we could, but we can't due to lifestyles and children, we are on at most twice a week, that is pretty good going and your husband really needs to shut up and stop being so bloody selfish

Original poster

BlackInk · 01/03/2018 12:59

He's not a selfish lover, quite the opposite. He just desperately wants me to want and enjoy it as much as he does. I do have to force myself 'over the hump' to get started. I do mostly enjoy it in the end. Although I find it very, very hard to switch off / let myself go and am always on edge to some extent.

OP posts:

Hotdoggity · 01/03/2018 13:16

I’m pretty sure he’s a selfish lover given that he’s angry you won’t sleep with him more!

yetmorecrap · 01/03/2018 13:18

He needs to understand that you genuinely do not ‘need or want’ it as much as he does. He isn’t unloved or unwanted, he just has a bigger drive than you so let him’sort himself out’

Cambionome · 01/03/2018 14:02

Him "desperately wanting" you to enjoy something that's important to him but not that important to you (at the moment) is another example of hugely entitled and selfish behaviour.

Why can't he listen to and understand your feelings on this?

BitOutOfPractice · 01/03/2018 14:02

He says he's going to try to be kinder.

That's big of him. He sounds like a prince among men!

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