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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What my partner said

46 replies

Noodlee · 28/02/2018 11:40

I dont know how to feel about this. My partner told me he would like if i dressed up a bit more in jeans instead of leggings and tracksuits all the time. I was a bit hurt but understood and I am a stay at home mum to a nearly 5 month old and I've said the same thing to him in the past. But then the other day he said it would be nice if i wore a bit more make up even just mascara as i barely wear make up being a stay at home mum. He has always told me how im so beautiful and look better without make up and then he said this...! This really hurt my feelings. Was that horrible for him to say or understandable? I dont know but it's really upset me. Whats your opinion?

OP posts:

YvonneGoolagongsDugongDoug · 28/02/2018 11:43

Seems a bit shallow OP. I can see why you are upset. Do you feel like you have let yourself go at all? Having a 5mo is not the best time to say this though.

GertieMotherwell · 28/02/2018 11:45

Have you always worn tracksuit bottoms and no-makeup?
Do you make more effort when you go out?

Perhaps he wants to feel he’s worth you making an effort for and maybe thinks you will feel better about yourself. It’s obviously up to you entirely if you choose to do that but listen to him.

Ohyesiam · 28/02/2018 11:46

I think it's really disloyal. I would have been very hurt by that comment. It implies he see s you as a commodity. And my god, at 5 months I had barely surfaced, let alone had 5 minutes to spend on myself.
I'm really angry on your behalf op.

NotSoSprightly · 28/02/2018 12:01

I think it would be understandable if you never showered, and wore PJs 24/7.

Do you take care of yourself aside from wearing comfy clothes? I wear leggings/yoga pants/running tights all the time and my exes have all loved it!

elisenbrunnen · 28/02/2018 12:01

I can sort of understand it - it takes seconds to apply mascara.

HOWEVER - if he takes some of the load, to allow you those few minutes, that's one thing. If he decides that makeup should be just another thing ON TOP OF everything you do, that's not on.

Handsfull13 · 28/02/2018 12:05

On the positive atleast he feels your relationship is open enough that he can tell you that but you can also let him know it hurt you to hear it.
My twins are just over 1 and I'm still spending most days in tracksuit bottoms and leggings because they are more comfy.
I wear jeggings out because I have a new found hatred of jeans. Especially buttons sticking into me.
You need to do what's good for you, maybe do the make up and jeans at the weekend when he's around to look after Baby while you sort yourself out.

Adora10 · 28/02/2018 12:06

Do not be bullied into wearing make up for anyone else other than yourself! I hate all this crap about you should make an effort, why because your shallow nasty prick of a partner decided to slag you off for looking natural, nah, he's wrong, not you.

Chippyway · 28/02/2018 12:09

Honestly? I don’t see the problem

I would mention something to my partner if he “let himself go” or stopped making an effort with his appearance.
I don’t find tracksuits attractive on anybody male or female. Obviously it doesn’t bother me if he’s wearing them washing the car etc but if he wore them as his daily clothes then to me it screams lazy.
I’m a woman and don’t like leggings so I CAN understand that - however it’s quite easy to ‘dress up’ leggings.

If my DP said this to me I’d probably feel upset but more so out of embarrassment. I’d be glad he communicated and told me instead of waiting 6 months and him turning round saying “it’s over I don’t find you attractive anymore you don’t make the effort”. Plus, I WANT my partner to be attracted to me still.

Original poster

Noodlee · 28/02/2018 12:18

Well he says the reason he wants me to wear it is because then it makes me feel better about myself which is true but i call bullshit on that reason. And no he always gives out that I put it on because he just wants to go when we have plans and gets annoyed if I spend time getting ready as I do it last minute but that's because I'm busy and I exclusively pump.

He said it would be nice if i dressed up when we go out and that I wear the wame clothes for a couple days which i never do. I never wear the same trousers for more than 2 days in a row and change my top everyday...

OP posts:

ThisLittleKitty · 28/02/2018 12:20

Can't see a problem with what he said.

Littlejayx · 28/02/2018 12:24

To be honest if I look like crap I feel like crap. Maybe he’s just trying to help but has said it wrong

buddahbelly · 28/02/2018 12:25

Im currently sporting my fleece lined leggings, no make up and hair scraped back in a bun and my child is nearly 6 and in school.

Joking aside im working from home today, I do remember that awful time of between 0-12 months where you're in a constant cycle of barely any sleep, night feeds, nappies, exhaustion and the last thing you want to do is think about putting on a bit of mascara to suit your dh.

If he's helping out otherwise then fair enough, he's allowed to comment - doesn't mean you have to listen to it. But as someone previously said, if its just another thing to add onto everything you already do then tell him to back off.

It was around the 14 month mark fro me that I finally got back a little of myself, started showing an interest in clothes again, my body just wasn't the right shape again and it took me a while to adjust. If leggings are what you're comfy in then leggings are what you will be wearing, thats all that matters at the moment.

Bluntness100 · 28/02/2018 12:30

I'm on the fence. There is nothing wrong with wanting to look attractive for our partners and our partners wishing us to make an effort.

I don't think he is saying you're a mess or anything, it seems he's saying all he sees is you in leggings or sweats and make up free, that you don't make the effort you may have done previously.

On the other side with a baby it's understandable you don't and you need to want to. If you no longer wish to and are happy then simply tell him that. Men can be very visually driven and maybe he's feeling a little left out and all your effort is for the baby and none for him.

Original poster

Noodlee · 28/02/2018 12:32

His personal hygiene isn't the best and he needs to wash more often too so I thought it was rich coming from him.

And he said it would be nice for me to make the effort when we go out but we never do. He never takes me out anyway.

And i wear workout clothes a lot as I am trying to lose weight right now and have been working out...

I have told him before that it would be nice for him to dress up more which now he does but the make up comment is what got me.

OP posts:

MrsElvis · 28/02/2018 12:33

It's twatty. I didn't even know my own name 5 months after DC. I love wearing makeup but can't see the point of wearing it round the house, it's hardly a treat for your skin.

Not for your DH but if you want to look more polished without having to do anything then eyelash eyebrow tint?

Bluntness100 · 28/02/2018 12:38

I think if you've said it to him I don't think you can complain if he said it back to be honest.

thethoughtfox · 28/02/2018 12:38

That would hurt my feelings. If you want to take more care of your appearance but can't be understandably arsed, get him to pay for LVL lashes, brows done and look after the dc to get it done then you can feel fabulous with no effort. If you are happy the way you are, stay that way.

SandyY2K · 28/02/2018 12:41

I don't think what he said was bad tbh. It doesn't make him a prick or imply that he thinks your his commodity.

If he had an affair or just left and said it's because you don't make an effort..always in leggings... never made up...you'd be saying he should have communicated with you about it.

He's done exactly that.

I do understand that leggings and tracky bottoms are comfy at home with a baby.

Bexter801 · 28/02/2018 12:41

Hmm it's frustrating in the fact,that it's inevitably going to make you doubt why he's saying this now,puts pressure on you to EVERY day feel like you should 'make more of an effort'. I'd only change things,if it makes you feel better,you'll only end up resenting him,if done for his sake :/ To be honest,saying you wear the same clothes for a couple of days,sounds a bit nasty(okay if he's looking out for your personal hygiene,but sounds a tad childish) when mine were babies,and I was expressing,I was lucky if I knew what day it was!

Original poster

Noodlee · 28/02/2018 12:55

See i would like to make more of an effort for me but I dont want him to think that it's because he said something to me that I've started trying a bit more

OP posts:

Bexter801 · 28/02/2018 13:05

Then only do it when you feel like it :)

fantasmasgoria1 · 28/02/2018 13:13

Talk to him and say you would like it if he washed more regularly and dressed better! My fiancé would never say anything like that to me! If that was me I would have challenged him there and then. You do need to discuss this with him though.

AthenasOwl · 28/02/2018 13:15

He wants you to put make up on while you're at home looking after your baby? What for? I would laugh in my husbands face if he suggested such a thing.
As long as you are up and washed and dressed and your baby is cared for that's all that matters! Tell him to fuck off! I have no patience for these fuck heads that swan about dictating how women should look in their own homes when they can't even be assed to wash themselves!

CherryMaDeary · 28/02/2018 13:25

If he has bad hygiene and bad dress sense and is telling you to make more of an effort then he's a hypocrite. Tell him him smelling bad isn't much more offensive than no mascara and tight jeans.

CherryMaDeary · 28/02/2018 13:25

*is much more offensive

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