Is this how marriage counselling is supposed to be?

[Feelingduped18]

Brief background - marriage has been rubbish for few years now mainly due to husbands drinking and drug taking, staying out, letting us all down etc. Have wanted to leave but felt trapped due to small kids. Finally got to the point where I put plans in motion to split up when husband decided to change. I agreed to marriage counselling to see if things could be worked out.

The counselling is not really going how I expected. She isn’t really interested in discussing my husbands behaviour and the awful things he has done while under the influence. Because my husband has “had an epiphany I am supposed to draw a line under everything that has happened. If I try bringing anything up I’ve told by the counsellor that I’m being “argumentative”.

Is this how it is? I expected to be able to express my feelings at the stuff that has happened to get our marriage to this point. I feel I’m being expected to brush some pretty major stuff under the carpet and just move on. The problem is I can’t rid myself of the massive resentment I feel if I don’t get a chance to talk about it.

The counsellor keeps asking me when I’m going to have my epiphany. Because my husband has apparently changed so much whereas I haven’t. As far as I can see this is because I’m still emotionally detached and unaffectionate to him. She seems to have totally bought his story about his drinking being expected of him in his industry when in reality whose boss insists on their employee staying out all night doing cocaine?!

I feel like the counselling isn’t going to change anything for me. I’m unsure whether we just have a bad counsellor or if my expectations were wrong?

Your counsellor sounds crap. It should be a space for you to both be able to talk. Not just one of you. You can't just magically forgive him, that's not how it works. How did you find your counsellor?

Change counsellor, no it shouldn't work that way, I'd also go on my own so you can really express yourself.

Your husband sounds awful, drink and drugs, I don't know anyone who would be able to sweep that under a carpet.

Out all night on cocaine is normal, that's disgusting.

Yup she sounds crap.
My first was crap, i just never saw it til now.

Ask her how you are supposed to even approach your own epiphany if she won't let you talk through how you are currently feeling?

Having said that, she is giving you a VERY VERY GOOD insight into just how much you have checked out! Her question is really quite clever... accept his bollocks and ask you if you want to buy into it... you don't so she just keeps poking you with the fact that you don't. Ensuring you know full well that your marriage is already over!

I think that's nigh on brilliant. She is effectively annoying you into action

Whose idea was it to attend joint counselling in the first place?. Your H has never wanted to change and has no intentions of changing; such men simply use counsellors to manipulate and use.

You have a very bad counsellor indeed here and I would not bother attending any more sessions. This person has clearly taken your H's side and she has been basically manipulated by your H in not too a dissimilar manner to you.

I would commence divorce proceedings asap. Do not let your children be the reason to keep yourself within a crap marriage; staying for the sake of the children never works out all that well and teaches your children that their parents marriage was based on a lie.

I really don’t think that is her strategy. She really seems to be focusing more on me being controlling and asking me why it matters if my husband goes out drinking during what is supposed to be his working day. My wanting my husband to do more around the house is also part of my “control” issue. She wants me to not do any housework and just let things be as “nobody expects people with kids to have a clean house” 😳

To be fair to her she doesn’t know about the cocaine only the alcohol.

marriage counselling is supposed to be something which helps your marriage - if either of you feel unsatisfied with the process, it's not going to. find another counsellor.
But yes, they sound crap and really bloody irritating.

No. That is really strange. Are you sure that's really what she's doing? A half-way decent counsellor will be looking at the dynamic between the two of you - right now. However, an incredibly important part of that will be talking about the feelings you must still be carrying relating to that previous behaviour. It is possible - just - that the counsellor might go veeerrrryyy slowly, starting with the here and now, helping you both towards more effective communication in the here and now, helping you build trust in the counselling sessions and therefore not want to deal with the previous behaviour yet.

But I think you'd be able to tell if that was the aim. It wouldn't be a secret - the counsellor would have told you. And you'd have to be a saint not to bring it up - I can't imagine how it couldn't be having a bearing on your relationship now. And the counsellor shouldn't be closing you down. S/he might help you to talk about it, or ask you if you can bear to talk about it later, or something but ... closing you down?

I'd just change counsellor myself. They're quite variable. Actually, I'm putting it mildly: there are some people out there who I wouldn't trust with a hamster, let alone my relationship/mental health. If you're near London, the Tavistock Clinic should be your first port of call - they're genuinely good.

Good luck.

Sounds rubbish. Sounds a bit like mine where him assaulting me was dismissed because he'd been drunk, and he'd stopped drinking for weeks at this point

I wish I'd sacked it off sooner tbh.

Why haven't you mentioned the cocaine? Are you worried about what she'll say? Or how he'll react? Or something else?

"She really seems to be focusing more on me being controlling and asking me why it matters if my husband goes out drinking during what is supposed to be his working day"

Walk away from these sessions now.

This counsellor has been completely taken in by your H and clearly does not also recognise the machinations of abusive relationships either. Honestly people like this need reporting to their counselling body if they are registered.

Shutting me down is exactly what I feel she does. She seems interested in my childhood and how I got to be “controlling”.

My husband stopped drinking a month ago and I feel like I’m supposed to applaud him. In reality I’m just thinking how long until he starts again, and how come now he decides to fix this marriage I’m supposed to just go along with it?

We agreed to keep quiet about the cocaine because we were both worried about her reporting it further. He claims it’s only been a handful of times 😒

Are you sure that's what she's saying, though?

She might be trying to get you to think about whether you feel responsible for your husband, whether you entered into a co-dependent relationship (and are at risk of doing so again), whether you do have control issues (which might haunt you in another relationship, or continue in this one).

she might be probing to find out what kept you in a relationship with someone who was 'out of control'.

Bad relationships often have a pattern where, theoretically, one partner is the one who acts out, is the 'problem' and the other partner is the rescuer - however, the reality may be a bit more tangled than that.

She doesn't know you, so has to ask you for information, to find out what the dynamics of your relationship are.

Having said that, I think you do have a sense as to whether a counsellor is a good fit for you or not. I had a terrible counsellor a while back. I made excuses for a bit, gave the benefit of the doubt but, finally, decided he wasn't what I needed. I changed counsellor and the difference has been incredible.

Sometimes, they really are just not terribly great.

She will be interested in your childhood. They all are! It's our first pattern for relationships and really important.

It may well be that she's talking to you most because a. you're more open and articulate b. in more urgent need and receptive to counselling

... and there's a c. This is that, as you get clarity on what drives you in relationships - rather than being driven - you are going to feel a lot better, a lot freer, a lot faster: and that is going to be very good for you. It may well help you to disentangle from a relationship that isn't doing you good.

Mind you, I still think that if you don't feel you trust the counsellor, your intuition may well be telling you she's not right for you.

Your counsellor should really have contracted with you to work on agreed goals and explained what her approach would be etc BEFORE you embarked on this counselling at all.
It sounds like she hasn’t and that is very unprofessional. She isn’t listening to you and sounds like she is not a very good counsellor at all. If she is in an agency you could ask to be moved to another counsellor. If she is private, as if she is BACP accredited and perhaps write to them to complain.

She sounds shit.

But do you want to do counselling?

Sounds more like you should be firm and leave

Is he still using cocaine, then?

You know, if he is still using drugs, in a way that separates him from you and the children and his commitment to the relationship (and the responsibilities of adulthood), that is a huge, big deal. No counselling is going to work while that is 'a secret'.

The information your counsellor is working with is that - theoretically - your partner has made a huge commitment to your relationship by giving up drinking and you are still angry.

Well, of course you're angry. But there is a world of difference between processing anger about the past, when your husband is, theoretically, adult enough to change and commit, and being angry because he isn't.

Really, if he's still using cocaine in a way that signals he's clearly not there for you and the children, it's not really a relationship. It's you, trying to have a relationship and him freeloading emotionally (and probably materially, too) off the lot of you.

Feelingduped, some counsellors are terrible. Is this Relate, by any chance? My now XH and I went there many, many years ago & the woman we saw was dangerously unskilled. She completely bought into his nicey, nicey, rational persona & saw me as a fruitcake . I especially remember her telling me off for breastfeeding whilst taking medication, even though my consultant had assured me it was safe. She had no medical training - and not much counselling training, either, apparently.

A lot of counsellors come from a fucked up background themselves. They go to counselling, retrain to be a counsellor and then counsel people when they can hardly manage their own lives. Finding a good one is tricky.

We used relate a couple of years ago and found our counsellor helpful. She did do a one on one session with both of us too so she could learn a bit more about what angle we were coming from. It made us decide to split.. but ironically taking that whole pressure off made us connect again and stay together! It's not perfect by any means but it works and we're not unhappy which I'll settle for. (Though kids and health issues also play a role in staying I will admit)

Seek counselling on your own.
Get him to see a counsellor on his own.

When you have both explored your issues and your priorities then find a different counsellor to see you together.

They do vary! We saw one who sounds similar - nothing my ex did could be faulted, and I needed to be 'more accepting' of how he was (no help around the house, ignoring the kids), because that was how he felt, and needed to be.
I sat and cried silently (I was generally really miserable at the time), and ex did care and give me a hug, she just said I could join the session when I was calm and would not talk about how I felt at all.

But we found a better one who talked to both of us - still split up, but did manage to talk things through!

She isn’t from relate. I have got the counselling sessions via a scheme at work.

I do feel that she has bought my husbands story about the drinking being down to stress and an expectation of his work life. She doesn’t take it on board if I try to point out that his drinking preceded the job.

She does tend to latch on to things that she has decided must be true. She keeps mentioning my husbands “long hours” and telling him he must be firm with his boss and not do too much overtime. My husband does no overtime and is late home because he’s been in the pub. She also seems to think my children are out of control and need reining in. All because my husband complained that I am ocd about cleaning because although we have a cleaner I still spend time cleaning myself. I tried to explain that with small children a house needs cleaning more than once a week but this is apparently all part of my control issues, and if I got my children under control I wouldn’t have any need to clean the kitchen after their meals 🙄