Is this how marriage counselling is supposed to be?

[Feelingduped18]

Brief background - marriage has been rubbish for few years now mainly due to husbands drinking and drug taking, staying out, letting us all down etc. Have wanted to leave but felt trapped due to small kids. Finally got to the point where I put plans in motion to split up when husband decided to change. I agreed to marriage counselling to see if things could be worked out.

The counselling is not really going how I expected. She isn’t really interested in discussing my husbands behaviour and the awful things he has done while under the influence. Because my husband has “had an epiphany I am supposed to draw a line under everything that has happened. If I try bringing anything up I’ve told by the counsellor that I’m being “argumentative”.

Is this how it is? I expected to be able to express my feelings at the stuff that has happened to get our marriage to this point. I feel I’m being expected to brush some pretty major stuff under the carpet and just move on. The problem is I can’t rid myself of the massive resentment I feel if I don’t get a chance to talk about it.

The counsellor keeps asking me when I’m going to have my epiphany. Because my husband has apparently changed so much whereas I haven’t. As far as I can see this is because I’m still emotionally detached and unaffectionate to him. She seems to have totally bought his story about his drinking being expected of him in his industry when in reality whose boss insists on their employee staying out all night doing cocaine?!

I feel like the counselling isn’t going to change anything for me. I’m unsure whether we just have a bad counsellor or if my expectations were wrong?

I think you have a unanimous response of "Change your counsellor," OP.

No your counsellor doesn’t sound particularly helpful but neither does you covering for his drug use either. I understand your reasons but it’s a pattern of behaviour that enables and makes you complicit in his ‘not taking responsibility’ behaviour.

It doesn’t sound like he’s had an epiphany, more that he’s feels entitled to you acquiring amnesia about his past behaviour, even if that past behaviour isn’t as in the past as he makes out.

Find a new counsellor but even if your new counsellor challenges your H more, it doesn’t mean he’ll rise to it.

Tbh your counsellor sounds like a controlling narcissist herself.

She is accusing YOU of being controlling for simply asking for some household help. Plus this idea of ‘epiphanies’, or ‘drawing a line, because that’s the past’ - that is a classic manoeuvre, designed to absolve transgressors from facing any responsibility or making any form of amends.

In that way you or your goodwill are set up to be abused repeatedly.

Ditch this one, she is worse than useless.

I saw one who was an ex mainstream agony aunt on newspapers, she was fab!! Earthy, fun, glam and told me at the end of the day it was about what I wanted, he had let the side down so what he wanted was bloody irrelevant. She did tell me too she had been around the block, several marriages etc. I totally loved her. .