Would you forgive your mother for getting you arrested?

[Amber98]

My life is crumbling before me due to the anger and depression i hold as a result of my past. Im anger at everyone no matter how much therapy i get, i cant be in a functional relationship.

I have tried to forgive my mother but there is so much deep rooted anger towards her that everytime i see her i have emotional outbursts. Ive decided to stay away from her because i am actually afraid ill hit her which is sad because shes a senior and i do love her.

She was an angry mother my entire life. She had to raise 2 kids on her own and she said my father physically abused her.

She is not angry anymore but growing up i was terrified of her. I wont go into all the detail because its not important. She had me arrested when i was 12 to intimidate and scare me. It scarred me for life. As a result ive developed severe social anxiety and extreme paranoia of authority even though ive never been in trouble with the law again. I wont even speed im so afraid.

This was 14 years ago. I feel like i get walked over by everyone at work because i have extreme self esteem issues.

I dont live with or talk to my mother but i have NO one else in this world. Im all alone. So i reach out to her when i feel sad and try to forgive but then i realize how much of a shit hole life i have had due to her.

Just want to know how a mentally healthy person would handle this situation.

Hi Amber, my therapist also touched on this too. I didn't have time to fully understand this theory at the time or subsequently but I've just watched this video and found it interesting...

Attila

Can you please explain how my mother continues to exert power and control?

She actually had very good parents but had 5 siblings and told me she always was responsible for taking care of all of them and household chores. When she got married we moved to canada and my mom says my father beat her. She told her parents that my dad beat her and her parents told her to stay with her husband(as i was told).

When i was 10 we went back to my moms country to visit my moms family. I broke my foot while i was there. Some argument happened between my mom and her entire family. Her vs them. She started screaming and went into a room and swallowed a bottle of pills. Nobody moved. Not her siblings or my moms parents...I on my broken foot ran after her and shoved my hand down her throat to get the pills out. She had her stomach pumped and doesnt remember anything. For one week i spent day and night caring for her when no one else cared. We were in a foreign country.

I asked my mom years later why she did that. She said her siblings and parents were arguing with her and no one understood her hardships. She was trying to end her life. I dont talk to any of her family since that day. Its true, they all dont seem to understand my mom is in a country by herself and none of them keep in touch with her.

After all that happened we returned home, thats when I changed schools and moved.

Ive saved my moms life from suicide attempts countless times. That is not why i have depression or ptsd. Its from the fact that despite saving her life, theres no one here to save my life. When she does come over she will bring food or clean but never offer emotional support even though i cry day and night. If theres anything ive learned this past year of living in depression, its that I over-loved my family and it lead to this. My sister never attempted to save my mom from suicide and shes perfectly happy now, it was always me that was worried about her.

My mom is on disability and had her own apartment. My sister recently bought a house and couldnt afford the mortgage alone. My mom decided to return to work at an extremly hard manual labour job at 62 just to help my sister pay her bills. My mom told me the job is very hard and depressing her. It makes me sad that my sister could have my mom work and go into depression. I would NEVER ask my mom to work to support as an adult. I continue to feel pain for my moms pain. Just dont think she feels for mine.

I dont know if im getting paranoid but i didnt understand what golden child meant or scapegoat. I thought you guys were completely off until i googled it and read this

www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/golden-child-and-scapegoat/

Ive never read anything more accurate in my life. Even the examples describe my life. The fact that i hate my sister because of all of this too. I dont want to think my mom is so evil. How could my mom possibly have purposely done this?

The part about self sabotaging. My mom recently told me to quit my job and go on disability since im so depressed. I thought she was just concerned about me.

I didnt quit yet but i did take a stress leave and had decided to quit. Every success ive ever had has been met with failure.

I'm sorry but it does sound as if your mother is forcing you into the role she has for you. Please get some counselling. Try to go NC with her for a bit and see if you can get back to your job.

She also lives with my sister and the only way my sister and i communicate his through her. She tells me what my sister says about me, ive never heard it directly from my sister. The article explains the exact same scenario between two siblings, goldenchild and scapegoat. All these years ive hated my sister and myself. Maybe it wasnt my sisters fault?

Go NC with her.

She must have gotten someone to pretend that you were being arrested as the police will not arrest a child for breaking something?

"Can you please explain how my mother continues to exert power and control?"

What you write about is not atypical at all of life within a narcissistic family structure. Your family of origin are dysfunctional and it is not possible to have a relationship with someone as disordered as your mother is. It is not your fault she is like this, you did not make her this way. She assigned you the role of scapegoat. She had you arrested on some trumped up charge and unfortunately they believed her rather than you. Your dog was taken away from you by her.

You've basically been trained from soon after birth to serve her, she sees you as an extension of her. Your boundaries re her are ones of enmeshment and you have felt very responsible for her and her ongoing poor choices. Those were hers to own and never yours to carry for her. Its her choice as well to do a job she hates to support her golden child daughter, she wants to do this and she has you as her willing audience.

Your mother just wants you to be further enmeshed and otherwise dependent on her. She does not care for you at all and never has done. Controlling behaviours like she has shown you are at heart abusive ones.

You need to break free of these people and go no contact with them and no I would not forgive your mother under any circumstances.

[[http://torontopsychotherapists.ca/narcissist-survivors-club/]] may be useful to you

Do you really think that your mother had "good" parents, when you yourself witnessed them behaving so coldly to both her and you?

"It confuses me so much how she could go from terrifyingly mean back then to nice now. "

I would guess that the reasons for the change are due to MH issues in your mum. I suffer from chronic depression and anxiety. It only became a serious issue after my second child was born and manifested as severe PND. I was angry with DS2 a lot of the time and failed to bond thoroughly with DD. But I got treatment and I had DH as well to help. It could have been so much worse - I guess it was so much worse in your case. So sorry xxxx.

OP, before you make any decisions to go NC or assign your DM as having a personality disorder, why not read up on Narcissism, abuse, codependency, divorce, separation etc and see if it resonates with you? As much as randoms on the internet mean well, we're just people and it's just advice. Get reading and see if you have any lightbulb moments? Bottom line is, you did not deserve this treatment and you are lovable 😊

This is all very sad and you've clearly had a very tough upbringing and have every right to feel how you do. It's ok.
From a mother's perspective, but also the perspective of someone who's experienced domestic violence, yes I think your mother loves you. She's still trying to care for you. If she didn't she would've cut you off the minute you left home.
She was clearly struggling- single parent, abusive ex, zero support. She did things wrong, very wrong. But we make mistakes which at the time we think is right but with hindsight is wrong. Two teenage daughters is tough. Raising on your own is tough. Did she give a reason why she didn't want you playing out? Possibly she was scared, she sounds scared. Maybe your dad had threatened to abduct you. Is she originally from a country in the middle-east/Asia? I think we have all heard the stories of fathers abducting their children and taking them back to their home countries where a mother has no rights. Maybe that's why she did it? Would I have my child arrested? Yes, if they did something terribly wrong. Breaking stuff at home - no I wouldn't, but without support to help her maybe she felt she had no choice. She made the wrong choice but she could have made it for the right reasons, not to hurt you but to protect you.
The only way you will know the truth is to talk to her, a completely honest and frank talk, and only then will you know the truth behind your very tough childhood.
I hope you get the answers you want and need and manage to find closure on the past so you can work on having the best future

Im crying my eyes out. Word for word everything ive read about scapegoats and goldenchild is the exact description of my family. Ive spent my whole life chasing success just so my mom would tell me im good. She never has.

I spent all night reading. I got a text from my mom this moring that was 4 paragraphs long. In it she said shes sorry for everything and loves me more then she loves my sister. She said she cant live without me. She said shes coming over tonight and wants to be with me.

Everything in front of my eyes is coming so clear but i love my mom so much i dont know how to recognize that shes manipulating me.
I want to save my sister and i want her to read these articles. Maybe my sister will believe me but it says the golden child often becomes the personality of the narssasist. I asked me sister to meet me at tim hortons tonight but i think i should back out. Its not like shes going to understand any of this.

Also recently they manipulated me SO badly. My sister got me to cosign for her mortgage. My mom asked me to do it and my sister told me that its our house (mine and hers) and we would both own it. She said im the only person she has in this world. I felt so bad for my sister so i signed it. Ive been asking her to remove me from the house as its caused me a lot of stress to know im on a mortgage. She has ignored me for months and completely lied about me owning the house with her. (Im just a guaranteer i own nothing) but if she fails to make payments im responsible. I think its too late to save my sister.

I dont know what to do i have no one. And i just realized my mom doesnt love me. Im crying my eyes out im so scared.

Do not let your mother in this evening, remain unavailable to her. Block her number from your phone and have no further contact with her.

You cannot act as a rescuer or saviour in any relationship, your sister clearly does not want to rock the boat here so acts as she does and has done to date. Your main focus should now be on you and you can only help your own self ultimately.

I would also find out from the bank what your responsibilities now are with regards to your sister's mortgage as guarantor. You may well be able to remove yourself from that.

Im going to write about my last traumatic event in an effort to get this all out and maybe make sense of it or i can show my therapist this page. After this im done because this is seriously giving me too much anxiety.

My mom has always held that my dad abused her but i never witnessed any of it. When i told my sister that im questioning if my dad ACTUALLY abused her my sister called me an idiot and said she witnessed my dad abusing my mom. My dad was a great dad and after they broke up my mom did everything in her power to keep me from seeing my dad. She told us he was dangerous but to this day i love him dearly. He passed away from a brain tumour recently before i could say goodbye. This is when my depression got really bad. It was my moms fault i never saw my dad. He loved me so much he would show up at every school i ever moved to and bring presents and my prinicipal would mediate meetings with my dad and i. When i got home my mom found out and yelled at me for talking to my dad. Technically my principal shouldnt have let me see my dad i think my mom had custody.

Anyways when i was 8 my parents got back together. Everything was great. My father was loving and to this day i remember every moment with him and i will never hate him no matter how much my mom and sister do. Heres the sad part

One day my sister and i were playing outside when we heard my dad screaming. I ran inside and my dad was lying in a pool of his own blood screaming that my mom stabbed him. My mom was standing beside him.

There were police/ambulance everywhere. I remember vividly sitting in a firetruck with my sister and looking out to see my mom being taken in a police car. I jumped out and ran after my mom. The police put me inside the car with my mom. They started questioning me as i sat with her. An 8 year old fking girl. I still get so mad. I decided to completely lie and say i saw my dad stab himself. I remember thinking my dad was dead and i had to protect my mom.

I dont know if it was my fault the reason my dad got charged and my mom let free. These contribute to my hatred towards my mom. Its so fking confusing as to this day i feel im responsible for my dad getting arrested and my mom set free. Years later i got the police report and it said my dad confessed he stabbed himself. So really i dont know what happened. I asked my mom years later if she did it and she was horrified that i would even think that. She was a mouse compared to my dad.

Anyways thats my complete messed up life. Ive pretty much explained every trauma ive ever experienced and now i sit here more confused then ever.

Ive tried for a year begging both my sister and mom to remove me from the mortgage . My sister ignored every text. I just asked her to meet me so i can talk to her (sent her the scapegoat link lol) and she responded that she wants to meet. Im here trying to save my relationship with my sister but realizing she has never seen things my way. My sister is also 35 and never been in a relationship. My mom is her relationship and she does anything and everything my mom asks. Even this house my sister wanted to buy a condo but my mom told her to get a house. My whole life ive been told we are extremely poor so i never asked my mom for even a dollar. I just looked at my bank statement and the house is almost paid off in one year!. It makes no sense to me. My sister makes less money then i do in her job and is in lots of debt. I will have to get a lawyer to get my name off the house.

I dont think my sister will understand anything if i meet with her. I was so mad at her over the house issue but really its my moms fault. Should i try to have a relationship with my sister or cut her out?

theres no one here to save my life

There is. There is the one and only person who can save your life.

YOU.

Your mother doesn't know how to love. she was not shown it.

You are not her, you are not your sister, you are your own person and you know that what has happened to you is wrong.

your anger, hurt, frustration and upset are all justified.

I want to go back to the first line of your OP: My life is crumbling before me due to the anger and depression i hold as a result of my past.

Look at the word you chose - HOLD. Holding is a consious thing, it's not being saddled with, burdened with or even bearing, it's HOLD.

The opposite of hold is let go. You can choose to hold or not to hold. You can choose to take a deep breath, understand that nothing you did or didn't do would have changed anything and that you have to put yourself first and foremost for the first time in your life and be the one to love yourself first.

You do need to take time away from them both. Your sister needs to find her own path, you can't help her there, you can only help yourself.

You absolutely ARE capable of having other relationships, and these relationships will help you see how wonderful life can be - this incidentally is why your mother tried so hard to stop them, because she knew on some level that you would see the situation for what it was and her treatment of you for what it is.

Atilla knows what she's talking about here, you can trust her on this. She's firm, but she is so from a position of experience and love

My grandmother had me arrested for 'common assault' as a teen (I threw a pillow and was shouting and swearing at her). She also rang the police during another verbal argument when I was 17, which lead to me being sectioned.

We are on good terms now, but no I haven't entirely forgiven her.

Agree with Hissy even though I would struggle to take that same advice!

((Hugs)) to alpine and amber

I know, it’s tough advice to action, but it’s a goal, even if we don’t quite believe that we’re “good people” because of all the negative shit, we have to keep telling ourselves that we didn’t deserve what happened to us and the failure of others to treat us with kindness us their shortcoming, not ours

It takes a huge amount of effort and to gain the strength to draw a line and let go, and even then that’s excruciatingly painful, but day by day it gets slightly less unbearable

It takes a long time (even when nc) to rid yourself of the poisonous air they force you to breathe. You have to have Herculean strength and faith to know there is no going back, and that you have a right to be loved and to love yourself as you are and others (who treat you with love and humanity) as they are.

If people add positively to your life, you keep them. If not, they must be jettisoned.

These flawed people will never be the family you need them to be, and certainly will never change unless by removing yourself from them they miraculously decide to change.*

Unlikely. Very very unlikely.