Would you forgive your mother for getting you arrested?

[Amber98]

My life is crumbling before me due to the anger and depression i hold as a result of my past. Im anger at everyone no matter how much therapy i get, i cant be in a functional relationship.

I have tried to forgive my mother but there is so much deep rooted anger towards her that everytime i see her i have emotional outbursts. Ive decided to stay away from her because i am actually afraid ill hit her which is sad because shes a senior and i do love her.

She was an angry mother my entire life. She had to raise 2 kids on her own and she said my father physically abused her.

She is not angry anymore but growing up i was terrified of her. I wont go into all the detail because its not important. She had me arrested when i was 12 to intimidate and scare me. It scarred me for life. As a result ive developed severe social anxiety and extreme paranoia of authority even though ive never been in trouble with the law again. I wont even speed im so afraid.

This was 14 years ago. I feel like i get walked over by everyone at work because i have extreme self esteem issues.

I dont live with or talk to my mother but i have NO one else in this world. Im all alone. So i reach out to her when i feel sad and try to forgive but then i realize how much of a shit hole life i have had due to her.

Just want to know how a mentally healthy person would handle this situation.

You've forgotten to say what you were arrested for?

One thing I do know is that you have to build yourself up from the inside.

Blame is good to explore - but it's not a foundation on which your future will be built.

Do you have someone to talk to? Friend, counsellor, advisor?

Amber I'm sorry at the low place you find yourself in at this point in your life. Whilst it is totally understandable to feel this anger and rage, you need to find professional help to learn how to slowly release it ( think of a balloon where the air is very slowly released). It's also incredibly sad that because of the damage done to you and the ensuing isolation this has caused, you are almost forced to return to the very person who caused this.
Please check out the organisation "Stand Alone" and "The Echo Society". Both are excellent!

I think we need to know why you were arrested.

Why would you get arrested if you did nothing wrong? The law applies to everyone.

What is going to be most helpful for you? Would forgiveness help you to move on and be happier? Would ‘closure’ of the arrest come with seeing that your mother cant go back and change what she did and that for you forgiveness is neither here nor there, you need not be ruled by the toxic person she used to be? Could you cast off that old life and focus on the good or useful things you can do to make yourself happy?

She had me arrested when i was 12 to intimidate and scare me.

And because you’d committed a crime, presumably?

You wanted to know how a mentally healthy person would handle this situation.

Well, they would be upset about the arrest but as time went by they would work through the upset. With growing maturity a person would understand what lesson your mother was trying to teach you so that you didn't repeat the behaviour that had you arrested. You would realise that the effect it had on you was probably too great, but you were only 12. You are not 12 now. The effect doesn't last a lifetime; once you understand why, you start to move on.

Your mother was angry all her life, you say. As a youngster it is hurtful and has caused you problems. As you mature you begin to think through why your mother was angry....it sounds as though you have already started to do that. There were circumstances which were out of your mother's control, which weren't your fault, no need to blame yourself. Your mother didn't deal with her anger very well as it has affected you deeply, but it doesn't have to carry on affecting you now. That was in the past. Let it go. Seek counselling if you need to work through that and you can't do it on your own. If your mother is still angry, and messes you up whenever you see her, walk away. There is no need to keep returning to a situation which is causing problems. Don't keep going back.

Perhaps seek assistanace with self-esteem issues. Certainly for your emotional outbursts. You don't have to stay this way but the only person who can change things is YOU....you have to want to do it. Don't spend the rest of your life blaming your past for how you are now. Take steps...however small....to make other friends. Join groups, find interests which will give you a wider circle of people in your life. Art class, swimming, go to the gym, meet-up groups to make friends who can just share a coffee and a laugh; learn a new skill at evening class, join a church group, a rambling club....anything and everything. You will not like everyone but you will learn to integrate into groups and you may find one or two people who become friends. Over time you will build up a support network which you can turn to when things are difficult, instead of keep turning to your mother. It is not good for you to be alone, nor to keep reaching out to your mother when you are low....

The police don't arrest people for no reason.

The police wouldnt arrest a 12 year for nothing because their mother asked them too.

We need more detail before we can help.

You didnt say what you were arrested for?

I think anyone who has read the above and found that their only response is to bluntly and pointedly ask the OP what they were arrested for should stay off the relationships threads and go back to AIBU where your pointed insinuations would be more welcome. Sending you hugs and strength OP.

I didnt want to go into a long explanation...
We had just moved and I was bullied pretty badly in my new school. I told my principal who did nothing even though i feared for my life.

Anyway i started hanging out with kids in my apartment in an effort to make friends. My mom didnt want me going outside to play, she was just strict and didnt know the kids in my apartment nor tried to get to know them. Then one day she gave away my dog to prevent me from going outside. Walking him became my only excuse to escape and go outside and see my friends for 5 mins. I came home and found a letter in my sisters room which said they both sold my dog and ill never know where he went. My sister wrote 'either behave or we are sending you to a foster home'. I got mad and broke somethings in my sister's room, think it was dishes and a glass figurene(no one was home at the time). When they both came home they called the police who stood there reading the criminal code deciding what to arrest me for. Finally chose mishief under $5000. In court the final price of the broken items was decided at $50.00. I receieved probation but my mom didnt want me back home so they couldnt release me and the court sent me to a youth centre where i lived for 2 weeks. If anywhere i was to get a bad influence it was here. There was a girl in my room who hung herself.

I feel set up. I loved my dog so much. I should add that the act of breaking something out of anger, i got that from my mom. Growing up she would have these severe emotional breakdowns and break everything in the house then start slamming her head on the wall or hitting herself. The only one around to stop her was me. Nothing i did was ever that bad.

Im trying to divert my anger and realize that society let me down. I told my teachers i was being bullied and they did nothing. My mom was a single mother with no help and was too busy working and too angry to have time to ask me about school or my life. She had no support or family either. The police also had the choice to refer me to couselling. My mom called the police previously about 5 times to get me arrested for going outside. The police got sick of it and couldnt do anything since i wasnt breaking the law.
I dont see it as helping me in anyway. As a result Im crippled with anxiety making it impossible to work even though i did become extremly successful but recently left my job due to years of stress. I have no friends now. I never talked to a single friend after that incident. Before then i used to be a social girl. I developed severe depression and focused my life on my career rather then developing friends or relationships.

I tried to talk to my mom about it recently and she holds that my sister was good and i was a bad kid.

I continue to question whether a parent who loves their child would call the police on them.

Under all the anger is obviously just a need to be loved and a serious mistrust of her and whether she actually loved me. Then i think even though she was angry and neglectful atleast she wasnt into drugs or alcohol. Maybe she did the best she could. Even taking that standpoint doesnt seem to reduce my anger though.

As most of you are parents, do you think she still loved me even though she did that?

Thank you. I was trying to avoid the arrest reason because its very triggering and ive realized the reason isnt important to understand whether my mom loved me and whether someone who calls the cops actually loves their child.

Anyway too late but oh well its okay.

It is impossible for me to say whether your mum loves you or not. But as a parent, the treatment you've outlined above sounds pretty horrifying to me personally. There is very little I can say in an answer on a forum like this which is going to help you unravel all the hurt and complications that your childhood experiences have caused you. I'm guessing you are in the US (or Canada)...is it possible for you to access counselling easily where you are? I think you'd really benefit from going over all this stuff with someone who is trained to help you deal with it. Your childhood is over now and there is so much life ahead of you to be lived. Please try and find some help so that you are not in such awful pain anymore, Sending you love.

As pp said, its difficult to judge if she loves you.

But there is so much more to this. There is a clear case of golden child included.

Honestly i would not have called the police on my child for breaking things. But I would not have sold their dog or allowed my other child to threaten their sibling with going into care.

I could move on from being arrested. But not for the rest of it. It isnt about 1 incident.

No idea whether your mother loved you but she didn't treat you in a loving way.

There are two books by Susan Forward that you might find interesting:

https://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407/ref=laB000AQ1NCII11?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1519709878&sr=1-11
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and
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https://www.amazon.com/Mothers-Who-Cant-Love-Daughters/dp/006220436X/ref=laa_B000AQ1NCI11_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1519709931&sr=1-2

Its seems after everything you've been through that you're doing pretty well to even have a job.

Don't worry about forgiving her. Forgiveness isn't everything. Focus on yourself for now. You've been through a lot. Of course you're angry! But that doesn't mean you should stay angry forever, or that you will.

And it might be an idea - this I don't know, I'm just thinking of possibilities here, you know yourself more and it might not be right. Look up different types of attachment (and attachment trauma) and symptoms of PTSD and particularly complex PTSD. If you find these things ring true for you - and they might not - try to use them as a way to propel you forward to get some useful help, they're not meant as stigmatising labels. They'd be somewhere to start from.

Sorry- meant - even to have had a job! I totally understand why having one would be too much when you're dealing with all of this.

And in direct response: no I not call the police. If my DC err drug dealing from my house, yes. If they're murdered someone or committed another awful crime I'd give them time to hand themselves in, I'd offer to come with them too, but if they didn't I'd call the police. Not for what you're talking about.

My sister was 18 at the time and for some reason has some sort of parental role in my life. They both tag teamed against me. Her role also confuses me and i dont have a relationship with her either, they both live together still. Maybe she was playing a father role?

My mom does constantly say my sister has never done any wrong but she's right she hasn't. What she never realized was when we moved my school changed and my sister's stayed the same. Ive never once blamed my mom for this. My new school was much closer and my mom felt my sister only had 1 or 2 years of highschool left so she kept her at her original school. I was bullied severely in my new school and thus looked to the kids in my neighbourhood for support and friendship. My sisters friends stayed the same. They also doesnt know i was bullied. I could probabaly explain it to her now because shes somehow nice now but back then i couldnt approach her with anything as i was extremely scared to be punished. Shes a very nice mom now and tries to contact me. It confuses me so much how she could go from terrifyingly mean back then to nice now. Honestly if i told her all this stuff today she would probabaly apologize. Shes SO different now its night and day. Same with my sister. They both want and try to talk to me but i distrust them so much. They could be completely sincere but i dont trust them at all. Maybe i need to accept that people change. Not sure if i should try to build a relationship with them. I should mention i grew up in canada but my mom is an immigrant so she was strict and didnt understand kids go out to play. She grew up differently. My sister on the other hand could have explained things to her but she too was only 18.

I have tried therapy. I have tried meds, exercise, meditation. Im NEED to change my life though and if forgiveness or just an understanding helps me then i will forgive. If moving 1000 miles away from them will help me then ill move. I know that whatever i do from now has to be to help myself because i cannot live in constant pain anymore.

Theres a lot more to my life and my childhood was extremely traumatic in other ways. But ive been chipping away one trauma at a time and this one is holding strong at this moment.

Thank you for all your responses. I truly appreciate them.

You're asking other mums for their take on this so here goes.

Your mum sounds like she was on the edge, barely coping clutching at straws trying to control the situation, parenting you. It sounds like your sister was acting like your parent, your mum relying on her support to parent you?

Her decision to sell your dog sounds like her trying to control you going out rightly or wrongly. I wouldn't have done it but I wonder, in this context, at the time, they thought it solved the problem of keeping you safe so you and your safety were one less thing to worry about? I can imagine your hurt at your dog not being there. This must have been absolutely heartbreaking OP. 😢

Again getting you arrested seems to suggest control. Like she used this to teach you a lesson? It seems as though her thinking and rationale, at this time, in this context was out of whack. Almost like let's think of the most extreme strategy and employ that. And her behaviour seems to suggest extremes as well.

You were let down by the authorities. The school, the police etc. You were let down by your mother and sister. I'm not surprised you're struggling. I'd be thinking the same thoughts too OP but the people who made these decisions got it wrong. The school should have helped you. Your mum could have handled things differently but they got it wrong. This is no reflection on whether you're a nice person, good or worthy. This is a story of how you've been let down by people who should have helped you. I think you should tentatively reach out like you're doing right now, keep talking and air these issues.

I don't know whether you're religious but Is there a local church that you could go to? When I was at rock bottom I went to church and hearing that GOD loved me no matter what and I was made perfect really helped me. I felt worthy. Of course I know religion is an emotive subject so I'm not going to post anymore about it but it is another option of obtaining support and support from the wider Church family.

Parenting is so hard OP, I'm really personally struggling with it atm and it really upsets me that I have inadvertently hurt my kids by my shit parenting but I really do try my best. It's just that sometimes you feel overwhelmed?

Anyway, you are lovable and worthy and I hope you can find a way of diminishing these past events and make peace with them and forge your way forward and build yourself up. xx

Thank you. Im defintely trying to see things from their perspective. I have tried to cut them out of my life completely but being completely isolated has done more harm then good. I have no other support not an aunt, uncle or friend. So im trying to see if forgiveness and letting them in my life would be better and less depressing.

My mom today has will do things like come over and clean or bring some groceries because being so crippled with depression i barely get out of bed some days. Ive never once asked her for help. In fact i tell her to get out of my apartment but she still returns. She has mentioned she feels guilty.

Again i dont trust them. Why are they both now nicer to me. Is it because shes old now and needs help or needs to know shes forgiven. I dont know how to accept help or love from her. I want to be loved from someone, anyone but i dont know how to accept love.

I hope one day to have a family but i also know im in no mental condition to have a family. The anger seems to be passing down from generation and i refuse to raise children this way. Its also hard to find someone who is accepting and doesnt see my life as extreme baggage.

I live in the toronto area. Im not relgious but it someone knows of support groups where i can meet people but arent too triggering let me know.

Please keep replies coming. I really want to know how other mothers think of this. I recognize that parenting must be very hard especially when my father provided no support and my mom had no family.

My therapist touched on this last week:

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and

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http://www.johngouletmft.com/Breakingg_TheDramaaTriangleNewest.pdf

I personally found it very helpful.

I moved about 15 times growing up. My mom got laid off every job she had and she would move us around. Im just remembering me going outside to play angered her no matter where we lived. I had a very nice neighbour in my previous neighbourhood and she would get angry if i was on the front lawn playing with her but i did it anyway.

At my new apartment perhaps my mom was fearful that i would get into trouble with the kids? Its not like she talked to their parents to know if they were good kids.

Im trying to understand if her behaviour was just controlling or completely unwarrented or if she had a general fear for my safety and was just concerned. This would really help me decide whether to forgive.

Amber

Having read this thread I think your mother was and remains controlling of you. What if anything do you know about her own family background and childhood; that often gives clues.

If anyone was bad here it was solely your mother. She is still dysfunctional and made you her scapegoat. She completely and utterly failed you (and your sister) as a parent and I am not altogether surprised to read she could not hold down a job either. Moving around as frequently as you all did as well (this may have been done to not attract attention from any people in authority) contributed further to the dysfunction already present.

This seems to be a narcissistic family structure with your sister being the golden child (itself a role not without price) and you being the scapegoat for all their inherent ills. Your mother's punishments were disproportionate and unwarranted; she had you arrested and took away the one thing that was good which was your dog. Her actions then as well as now are about power and control which is what abuse is based on.