Teetering on the brink of an affair

[hoolipoo]

I really need some advice, a slap round the face or a good hard shake, and told to grow the fuck up.
So I've just separated from my husband of 12 years. This has perhaps been in the pipeline for a couple of years, but has been precipitated by my meeting another man.
My husband is a good person. Honest, hardworking and a good father to our children. But we seem to have lost our spark. I don't feel that he's ever really engaged with me, we have little in common and he's completely stopped taking care of himself; piling on weight and having grubby fingers nails etc.
I've asked him repeatedly over the last 4 or 5 years to try to lose a little weight, firstly for his own health and secondly because it's affecting the way I feel about him. I struggle to find him attractive now and our sex life is lacklustre to say the least.
So...the other man. He is separated and has children. He lives pretty far away and seeing each other is difficult, but he makes me laugh and I feel alive again in his company.
I've told my husband that I've met someone and I'm developing feelings, but I feel like the biggest shit alive right now. He is, obviously, devastated and I just don't know what to do.
Do I end my budding relationship with the other man? Even though he makes me feel so good about myself and I feel like he's everything I've been missing out on?
Do I stay and work on my marriage, even though I will forever regret letting the other man slip away?
Just talk some sense in to me. I'm terrified of the route I'm about to take, and end an ok but not awful marriage for someone I barely know.

You shouldn't end your marriage for another man. You should end it if you feel it's over and beyond repair. The best reason to end a marriage is because you know you'd be better off and happier alone. If that's not true and you only want to end it so you can swing to the next branch like a monkey then it's a pretty bad idea.

Stop talking to the other guy. I get that it makes you feel happy again, but it's bad for you long term.

Either commit to making it work with your husband, or walk away altogether.

If you get divorced and want to date down the road, that's different. There's more than one person out there for you!

I think,you know your marriage is,over. You have asked dh to,change, ie. to,get fit etc, but he hasn’t ignored you.

Why don’t you ‘take a few months off’. Move,out with the kids. Explain to both parties that you need time,to,clear your head and sort yourself out. Maybe, that will spur DH to start taking care of himself, and if new-bloke,is a keeper, he will wait. Don’t rush from one situation to another.

Didn't you feel that way about your husband once too though?

Don't leave for a 'spark' - leave because your marriage is done

I think moving out with the kids would be just about impossible. I don't have anywhere to go and no savings.
I asked him to move out about a month ago and although he booked some appointments to view houses for rent locally, that was as far as he got.

I think the real issue is his reaction to being told it's over. Crying, shouting, telling me I'm killing him, that I'll never find anyone that worships me like he does.
It's heartbreaking to know I'm causing his distress.

I really find it difficult that MN finds putting on weight an acceptable reason for divorce.

“For better, for worse, in sickness and in health” that’s what you promised.

Not “until he puts on a bit of weight and you get chatted up by a separated man looking for a shag”.

Agree with Thistle - imagine the reaction this would get instead:

“my wife’s put a bit of weight on over the last five years and has stopped taking care of herself. I’ve met this woman online and now I’m going to split the family up so I can be with her.”

If the relationship is completely dead and buried then leave because you’re not happy and nothing he could do will change that. Don’t leave for a grass is greener prospect who, in all honesty, is not going to be so much fun once the initial buzz has gone and you’re lying next to him snoring and farting in his sleep.

I'll never find anyone that worships me like he does

I've heard this shit off every person I've ever finished with. Or variations along the theme of "put up with your shit", "support you as much as I have", "fix your computer for free"

You're not his teddy bear. He's not entitled to a relationship with you.

Take the other man out of the equation for a moment, because it's clear he's turned your head. In your mind, commit to being single, without the possibility of leaping into a relationship with other man. Do you still feel the urge to leave your marriage, or is it suddenly a lot less attractive?

If you're not totally sure you want to leave, would you consider relationship counselling to try to get things back on track? Your H doesn't sound bad or abusive - just like he's stopped making an effort. Are you willing to give him a chance to change?

I think I was prepared to keep plodding along with him, but I always knew it wasn't right. I'd look at the relationships some of my friends have with their husbands and wish I could have that closeness, the fun they have together and that partnership.
I've thought about ending the marriage many times over the years, but due to lack of financial security I haven't been able to.

Worships you, just not enough to keep himself clean tho.

Move on OP, don't go back there, nothing will change and if this available single man keeps you company whilst you move on, then what's the problem.

I'm in a similar (ish) position but there is no hope for myself and my husband and I'm leaving for me. I have an ex floating around in the background but I've not had any discussions with him about the future.

You need to leave for yourself. If there is still love there you need to work on it

Crap, if leaving someone because they've put on weight is a reason to go I'm doomed! Did you try obvious things like - "you're dirty, I'll run you a bath and leave out clippers". I'm worried about your weight - I'll change the food you are eating and we will go out walking as a family every night for 30 mins"

I'm coming from the angle of a lady with poor health who suffers from ms, fecal and bladder Incontinence, walking difficulties and massive memory issues. I'm not the same slim person he married, nor do I have the same lightness to my personality. You don't know what's ahead for you.

It just seems like such a waste to throw away a good man for the thought or idea of someone you don't know well and who could turn out to be a massive disappointment. The grass is not always greener. I'm not saying settle for your DH but I'm sure if you re-requested the changes he'd be very happy to accommodate your requests.

Worlds, I get what you're saying and I agree you shouldn't throw in the towel, but the OP has been asking him to change for the last five years, sometimes you have to actually give up.

Now that we're actually separated he has started dieting, buying flowers, writing little love notes etc. It's all too little too late though.
I just can't bear to see him crying though. How do I deal with him guilt tripping me like this? He said yesterday that he is on the verge of a heart attack because of all the stress I'm putting him under. I thought, not all the chips then?

I'm sorry but I think your last comment is vile OP. If a man wrote this he'd be absolutely flamed!

Sounds to me that you have just introduced this seperation as you have found a person you like .

Imagine if your DH had told you the same , which in a nutshell is "your fat , I don't fancy you no more btw I'm seeing someone else now , plus I'm going to stay under the same roof which will provide you with constant reminders of me and also hinder your progress of moving on"

Sound all ok to you?

Don't be sorry, I'm asking for you to be honest and knock some sense in to me.

You made vows with this man , he supported you through pregnancy (I assume ) and also this is the man that has helped you raise your children . 12 years is not to be sneered at , at the end of the day when you both grow old , you're both going to look like shit (sorry but it's true) the looks and the outer shell will be gone , all you have left is the personality and the times you've shared . The experiences you encountered and the challenges you've overcome.

The thing is that I've already emotionally checked out of this marriage I think. I just don't feel the way I used to about my husband, and haven't for a long time. He is a wonderful person, but he doesn't interact with me the way I think a husband and wife should.
Whether the new guy stays on the scene or not, I think we're at the end of the road.

Well then I think you take it upon yourself to first and foremost go through with a divorce and move out, as you are unreasonable to advise your husband that you're seeing someone else yet still want to remain living together , sounds like a recipe for disaster.

Do the right thing by your husband and children first , then think about you and your relationship needs after.

Think about how your children will perceive the news of a divorce followed by the fact that you're seeing someone else? Not well I expect , be kind about this for there sake and do the divorce properly and as kindly as you can for all involved .

My husband is a good person. Honest, hardworking and a good father to our children. But we seem to have lost our spark.

Hmmm, I wonder why?🤔

So after raising kids, building a life, coping and juggling all of life's stressors its 'thank you very much luv, I'm off with a new man because frankly rebuilding our marriage is like hard work, it's easier to start over'.

Nice work. 👍

Of course your DH is upset. You’ve just told him he’s loosing his home, his life partner, and full time access to his children.

You are doing this cos you have tingly knickers, and dreams of sunsets.

Leave, if you want to. But for you. And make sure you are fully able to stand on your own two feet. You shouldn’t stay so the DH you are so scathing about can help support you.
He should of course support your children in any situation.

I think you are a very cowardly person who is trying extremely hard to self justify actions that on some levels, you feel uncomfortable with.

Your heart is now with the other guy and your husband has now become something of a nuisance.
You articulate his weakness - weight etc; but you don’t seem to have done any self examination yourself. In your mind, you are perfect and the your husband is the problem. You also haven’t considered what effect the divorce is likely to have on the kids.

It’s the world we live in now, nobody wants to sacrifice and put in the hard work necessary to make marriage work. All you are doing is lusting after what you believe are great marriages your friends are enjoying. But do you know the hard work they put in? Do you know their private struggles?
Have you considered counselling? Repair your marriage as divorce does usually throw up some unexpected stuff and stress. Your story, albeit, in different variations
, is actually a very old and tired tale, sadly repeated the world over, many times over. Both men and women alike. Once a person’s heart is gripped by someone or something, it’s extremely difficult for us to knock sense into you. You will find a million ways to justify your decision- no matter how ridiculous. On some level, your asking for opinions here is perhaps a thinly veiled attempt at asking for approval and encouragement. There is no shortage of people in the world ready to tell you what you want to hear. I feel, however, unless you are willing to take some drastic action, it might be too late already to save your marriage as you have already introduced another person to your marriage bed. Nothing is ever going to be the same again. Even if you decide to abandon the affair, your husband will now look at you different. At the moment he is confused and in shock, and fearful of change.
Don’t choose darkness. Affairs or any relationship for that matter - even marriage itself, will not last forever. Conduct your life with dignity and be an example to your children. Workout your problems Enerstly and stop hiding behind lame excuses. Millions are doing exactly that, please don’t add to that number.