Teetering on the brink of an affair

[hoolipoo]

I really need some advice, a slap round the face or a good hard shake, and told to grow the fuck up.
So I've just separated from my husband of 12 years. This has perhaps been in the pipeline for a couple of years, but has been precipitated by my meeting another man.
My husband is a good person. Honest, hardworking and a good father to our children. But we seem to have lost our spark. I don't feel that he's ever really engaged with me, we have little in common and he's completely stopped taking care of himself; piling on weight and having grubby fingers nails etc.
I've asked him repeatedly over the last 4 or 5 years to try to lose a little weight, firstly for his own health and secondly because it's affecting the way I feel about him. I struggle to find him attractive now and our sex life is lacklustre to say the least.
So...the other man. He is separated and has children. He lives pretty far away and seeing each other is difficult, but he makes me laugh and I feel alive again in his company.
I've told my husband that I've met someone and I'm developing feelings, but I feel like the biggest shit alive right now. He is, obviously, devastated and I just don't know what to do.
Do I end my budding relationship with the other man? Even though he makes me feel so good about myself and I feel like he's everything I've been missing out on?
Do I stay and work on my marriage, even though I will forever regret letting the other man slip away?
Just talk some sense in to me. I'm terrified of the route I'm about to take, and end an ok but not awful marriage for someone I barely know.

Got to agree with girldownunder

Why don’t YOU move out !? Leave him in the matrimonial home with the kids, while YOU move out into a grotty bedsit with not enough money to buy cheap lipstick from Superdrug and living off pot noodles......

See how irresistible your new man / men friends find you then !!!!

You’ll soon miss the comforts of your marriage !!!

Meanwhile, your husband manages the kids, brilliantly, starts going down the gym four times a week, and gets himself a fit bod and his confidence is restored by kind comments from kind women. He starts dressing nicely, changes his whole mindset and meets a really attractive lady who is as lovely in the inside as she is on the outside.

Your kids fall in love with her, she moves in with him, and your ( ex ) husband AND kids find true happiness with this new wonderful lady......

Meanwhile, your sexy man friend has fucked off because he doesn’ need the baggage of a middle aged, bitter and jealous woman who has no money, lives in a grotsit, and who constantly moans about the great life her husband now has.......

Do him a favour, if he’s a great guy, fuck off and find your life of misery in a shit tip !!!!!

Hope this helps.

What does the OM think?

Ive been in a similar situation. My relationship had become toxic tbh and I'd been trying to end it for a while. I was very unwell though (anorexia, ptsd, OCD). My ex is not a bad person or father, he is just not able to support me in the way I need. The relationship wasn't functioning. I was having episodes where I don't remember where I'd been or what I'd done. He was under an incredible amount of pressure.

The man I met has been through a spookily similar set of things to me (I've witnessed some of it myself, witnessing that was what caused me to get close to him, he never told me to begin with, I was really concerned for his safety tbf and I had good reason to be).

He's never ever told me what to do or encouraged me to do anything for him, to be available to him etc. He obviously makes me feel good too so I get that, and I don't think there's anything wrong with having those feelings for someone soon after a relationship, but you need to be brutally honest with yourself about whether this is a positive addition to your new life.

For me he's really helped me a lot, I've learned a lot about myself and Im able to deal with people a lot better than I was when I was unwell. I've actually put on weight. I can sleep without some sort of drug from the doctor or weed for the first time in 7 years. It's not without its struggles, but we've both just been through massive life changing events. He has similar issues to me. And it's a huge comfort having someone who knows exactly how you feel. But you need to be positive parts of each others lives or else you will just end up in the same situation by building a relationship based on Idealisation and daydreams and when you realise it was all just that you'll be too involved again. Be realistic and don't make decisions you can't easily change.

I worry that people can be replaced when they're bored.

Wow. That poor man!

He is entitled to be really upset and that is a consequence you just have to deal with because you caused it!

tbh sounds like he may be better off without you if this is the sort of person you are.

You may be sorry when mr fling turns into a dick and DH has a new woman who treats him with respect.

if it isn’t working, it isn’t working. All this flowers stuff is just desperation on his part. Women do it too but with sex usually.

It would all be back to the same within a few months once he has you back where he wants you.

If you know it’s oher then be decisive and do something about it.

OP, this thread might enlighten you on the devastation of affairs.

Infidelity support thread for the betrayed party
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3015947-infidelity-support-thread-for-the-betrayed-party

MoyoGaza some wise words

OP it's you that's lost your spark - your soul - you are about to sell out to the devil because you think it is down to someone else to give you that 'spark' back - it's not - you have to look at yourself - work on yourself - your husband has put on weight and you no longer find him attractive - how fucking shallow - you've asked him to change - so you will fancy him again - why the fuck should he - your the one that needs to change.

Why has he put on weight - maybe he senses you feeling it was never right - what an albatross to have to live with - but it was right enough for 12 years - right enough to have kids with - right enough until someone else came along - grow up

I am your DH except I'm the DW - and my marriage was 20 years - my X just like you - not satisfied with himself - can't be anything wrong with him - must be me - maybe you can't see how much your DH 'worships' you because you feel shite in yourself - maybe you need to take note of all the things he does do rather than what he doesn't do - sometimes people just get on with their responsibility without making a song and dance - sounds to me like you want all the fuss to make you feel special.

My kids have had their lives turned upside down - my depression that I had managed for 20 years has resurfaced and I have felt as though I could no longer go on many a time.

You want to put your DH and kids through this - all for a spark - selfish, cowardly, deluded behaviour - the fallout will be all your doing - hopefully on your conscience for a long time - have some integrity and self respect - work on yourself first and be grateful for what you have!

I'll give my two cents. I was in a similar situation as you. I had already checked out of my marriage when I met my now boyfriend. I'm going through the last bits of divorce right now and yes my ex has been devastated but he's understood all the reasons and can see how I definitely needed/wanted a divorce. That was the beat decision for me no question. I'll always be grateful to my boyfriend for being the trigger that let me out of a terrible relationship that was literally destroying my psyque. Yes, the affair part is not condonable and understandingly it hasn't been easy for the other two parties. But my daughter is coping fantastically well, me and my boyfriend are the happiest we've ever been. My ex has been losing weight and is now looking forward to his new life. The bottomline is, leave your marriage because it's broken not because of someone else but if having someone else gives you the strength to do it, so be it. And you never know when or how you'll find your per match.

Hmmm ya think so @niteandfog ?

My ex has been losing weight ....

That's the stress he's under!

I think if you've repeatedly told your husband to lose weight because you don't feel the same about him anymore is pretty heartbreaking in itself for the poor guy. You've made him feel really shit about himself and now you tell him there's someone else!! If you had any respect for him (or yourself) you'd change the way you treat people you "care" about

niteandfog just to be clear, are you saying the end justifies the means?
On one hand you say: Yes, the affair part is not condonable and understandingly it hasn't been easy for the other two parties.
And at the same time you also mention: That was the beat decision for me no question. I'll always be grateful to my boyfriend for being the trigger that let me out of a terrible relationship that was literally destroying my psyque.

That some people were hurt, seems minor or even a necessary ingredient for you to achieve your happiness. You don't condone an affair and yet you are grateful to the trigger of an affair? I'm not sure I understand you. You can't just whitewash the affair out of existence inorder to feel good about your decision. Bad does not give birth to good. Infidelity is not a minor thing that you can just 'fast forward' over and ride roughshod over people's feelings - and have the tenacity to call it 'the best decision...' I mean hello! You don't show any remorse at all for cheating - instead you seem to be congratulating yourself on how clever you are and how all the pieces have fallen into place - and how even the husband now 'understands' and the daughter well adjusted etc.
A person who is truly unhappy does not need 'an outside trigger' to to take action.

I disagree with some PPs
Some people don't get involved in affairs when they're happy and all their needs are being met in the relationship
Two people together construct the reality of the relationship and therefore both contribute to its demise, not the fat, not the wrinkles, but the suff that lies much deeper than that.
OP wants to be the woman she gets to be with the new man, she's lost her sense of self in her marriage, why because the relationship was shit for many reasons.
OP in my opinion your new man isn't going to stick around, I don't think men rarely do in situations like this, they're happy to have you but too insecure that you''ll cheat on them.

@greenberet has it spot on.
The person who needs to change is you OP. Not your husband or even the other man. It’s you.
You’re the married one, you’re the one with a responsibility to your children. You made promises that count for NOW- not when the world is rosy and easy but for when it is tough and the chips are down.
Take now to at least give your marriage a chance- get counselling to know you and your husband made every effort to save your marriage so you can look your kids in the eyes as adults and tell them you did everything.
Yes he may be changing now and you feel it’s too little too late but why didn’t he do it before? What stopped him? What did or do YOU need to change too?

Step away from mr sexy at work- he is just a way to avoid the hard work you’d need to put in to save your marriage. Don’t wimp out.

Moyogaza, brilliant post

niteandfog you sound like my x - I expect that's the shite he's telling himself too - two people having an affair to leave a marriage is not strength - its cowardice - haven't got the balls to go it alone - so I'll team up with another cowardly fuck - and then tell everyone how madly in love we are - What a crock of shite!

You were destroying your own psyche - your soul - because deep down you were lying to yourself and everyone else - I expect your Dd is young - young enough to be fed the fairytale that you have no doubt fed her -
Watch out for karma cos your right about one thing you never know when it's going to come back and bite you in the arse!

And you know what I hAd those feelings too - something wasn't right - I was lonely I was bored - but really life was good - it was a test - I joined a ceroc group - could easily have been tempted - but the only person I wanted to dance with at the time was the x - but he was too busy - didn't want to dance with me - and so I found another dance class went to Zumba instead - same high from dancing but no male temptation - this is how you fix yourself - but he had already "checked out" not out of the marriage - out of himself -and then his DM died - an opportunity for the vulture to swoop in - because that's what she is - now living my life while I'm living hers - but you know what I can hold my head high - my conscience is clear - I avoided temptation, I have always put my kids first - I don't have to feed myself continual bullshit to justify my actions - and once I am out of this phase and moved on it will be finite - my kids have been given a chance to learn some valuable life lessons - hopefully they will come out the right side - but you want to read my other post today about my Ds - that's the reality of kids not coping fantastically well!

Leaving was the best decision not the affair. Whenever I think of all the things my ex did to me first I want to cry and then I want to punch him. As soon as I moved out I left most of my anxiety and depression behind. My DD even comments on how happy and how much I’ve changed for the better. My ex is coping well and even grateful about the weight loss and being forced to go to counselling and fix all of his other issues. I can only speak for my side as that is the one I’m responsible for.

Hold on. The op says she is separated from her husband, after years of problems which her husband refused to address. It doesn't sound like an affair to me ,it sounds like she's separated and wants to move on a bit too soon.

OP, just be single for six months minimum. If new man wants you,he can and will wait and you will know that it's what you want and not an escape which might trap you.

Going against the grain to say that a husband who doesn't bother cleaning himself despite your repeated asking for YEARS has only himself to blame that you have checked out and wish to move on. How vile and disrespectful.
I have put on a lot of weight since I got married. I don't expect any husband to find me attractive - I don't think I am either. And I don't really find him attractive and he has hardly put on any weight compared to me.
I think separate formally, go have fun with your man in the wings whilst you deal with the fallout from divorce.

I don't think it is an affair when you are already separated. I think it's the trigger you needed to realise that you would not have feelings for someone else if your marriage was good.

Ive gained a good stone and a half since I met my DP. He’s gained some too. I’ve gained through comfort eating following two traumatic miscarriages. He hasn’t suddenly fallen out of love with me because I’m a bit rounder than before and I’d be horrified if he did. It’s one thing worrying about someone’s health but you just sound shallow and vain.

You shouldn’t leave a relationship to jump straight into another one either. It’s always going to be doomed. If you truly want to leave, do it for you.

Op you need to zone out from this other man completely. It's not good for you, your H or family. Work on the marriage first or what you have left, go to relate.
When was the last time you went on a proper date together? Or a family holiday?
A marriage takes work from both sides, so your telling me you haven't changed shape and are bundles still12 years on? The stress of life has got to you and your looking for the fun teenager love romance again.

And if I'm totally frank.... don't flame me MN if my mum left Dad and I found out it was over weight issues and boredom ripped my childhood life apart, to go try it with another bloke I met online I would think nice one Mum your totally selfish.

we have little in common and he's completely stopped taking care of himself; piling on weight and having grubby fingers nails etc.

^Imagine the uproar if the OP was male and was posting that

My friend felt exactly this and did leave her DH for the guy that gave her the spark. 3 years later she isn't with the guy with the spark, the first few months of course were amazing, but then she finds out he has a drink problem, a drug problem, is quite emotionally abusive and then she's even more trapped than with her DH. Now fortunately for her, her DH did take her back after those three years but most of her friends, including me have lost a hell of a lot of respect for her.

If you think the grass is greener, tender to your own lawn.

How have the op and dh separated if they are still living together as a family?