He seems angry with me and I don't understand

[lottieandmia22]

I need to start by saying I have Aspergers and Alexithymia.

So I've been in a relationship with someone for a few months. I see him several times a week. I told him early on about my autism but he keeps saying not to label myself and it's as if he doesn't really accept my diagnosis.

He got me involved in doing this emotion code stuff & releasing trapped emotions etc. It seems to have caused me to feel a bit unstable emotionally and raked up memories of some abusive experiences with my parents. Yesterday I ended up rambling a bit, which is what autistic people do when stressed. He was worrying about his health but because I'm autistic and don't pick up on subtle social interaction dynamics, I didn't pick up on this.

So he ended up thinking I didn't care about him and seemed angry with me. I explained that I do care very much but I need to be told when someone feels worried and needs support - I won't just pick up on it. I ended up crying and feeling very confused.

I think the problem is that he thinks my autism is caused by trapped emotions and can be cured. If he can't accept my limitations then how will this ever work?

Today he has been nice with me and asking if I'm ok etc.

I just get this thing time and again where when I'm dating someone they say they understand about my autism and then expect me to think and behave like a NT person.

He doesn't sound like he understands autism at all. Can you find him some online resources to read about it? If he carries on as though you don't have autism then you probably shld break up

I get the same, lottie.

I tried going out with an autistic man but that was just a disaster. When it was good, it was the best thing ever. But when either of us were stressed, it was impossible. It's left me pretty heartbroken tbh.

But at least we both 'got it'.

I tried telling another man once before but because I don't look autistic, he just ignored it really and thought that I'd just be able to think and react like an NT.

I think staying single is the answer if I'm honest with you. I know that my exboyfriend feels the same.

It makes me cross that he spends all this time reading new age books but can't pick up something which would explain why I'm different. And if he loved me like he says then surely he would have at least tried to understand what that is.

I'm sorry to hear you get the same thing PJ. My ex husband was autistic. We both accepted each other's quirks but the relationship broke down when nobody was there to read the emotions.

He got me involved in doing this emotion code stuff & releasing trapped emotions etc.

He should not be doing shit like that unless he's a trained and qualified therapist who is NOT in a relationship with you.

I really don't think this is a good relationship for you to be in.

The emotion code is apparently something 'anyone' can do.

I don't think he's prepared to accept you and your Aspergers. I think your relationship is doomed to fail if he continues to try make you 'normal'.

From a non autistic PoV, it isn't so much about not understanding what you say. But trying to interpret whether it's the autism or any of the range of nt reasons.

It might not be the case for you, but you can still be autistic and not notice something you normally would because you have something more worrying on your mind. Or ignore a sign you could normally pick up because you are pissed off, not interested etc. Not to mention that nt people are just as capable of missing/ misinterpreting your 'not responding because of autism' body language when they themselves are worrying about something.

Plus, it can be difficult to always hold in your own natural reaction. Dd knows that one of her friends can't help it, and understands 99% of the time. But that 1% of the time when she's actually upset or worried herself, she can't always help reacting in that moment to what appears to be a 'couldn't give a damn' response.

Of course he could also be an arse who thinks it's something you can just change if you try hard enough.

I see what you mean TheHogFather.

He isn't listening to you. He doesn't hear you.

He is telling you how you should be, without making any effort to truly learn what you need.

I'm sorry, but I don't think this sounds very healthy.

I have the same trouble. I think the first thing you need is someone who doesn't focus all the time on what you can't do and who gets angry with you.

How are you feeling in the relationship? Do you think it's possible to get out of? I know it's a big change.

He thinks autism can be cured ?

The man is a fucking dangerous quack. Hear this: get rid of him.

It’s not a good sign at all for him to push “woo” pseudo mental health stuff on you! So early in the relationship too.

Stay well clear of all that.

If he was annoyed with you he could have told you, particularly given that you have told him you find it difficult to “read cues”.

Please don’t do anything he tells you to do anymore. He doesn’t know what he’s doing. If you are feeling unstable he is hurting you.

Do you have friends or family around ? Ask them for support and tell them what’s going on.

This relationship does not look safe for you. I think you should step away.

My ds has ASD too and has similar difficulties to those you describe.

It sounds like your partner is trying to "fix" you rather than accept you as you are - and obviously that's a bad thing. I know people with ASD have coping mechanisms and I'd be very worried that he's stripping these away and making you more vulnerable.

You're not a project to be repaired or mended, you're a warm people who struggles with social cues. He should accept that or move on. I'd be advising YOU to move on instead!

Well I feel very drained so this is not a good thing at all. I'm glad it's not just me and that generally people with autism struggle with this.

It's so hurtful when people say they understand and then show clearly they certainly don't.

Don't give up OP, "it's not you, it's him!!"

And don't end it saying "it's not you, it's me!" Because it isn't.

Anyone who tells you not to label yourself as autistic needs to fuck off. Being autistic is not a bad thing and he seems to think that it is and it needs to be cured. IMO that’s enough information to know he’s not the right man for you.

If you were autistic would you expect a partner who loves you to want to find out about your condition and how it affects you.

This man is not right for you. You deserve someone who accepts you, not tries to change you. There’s nothing wrong with having Autism and it sounds like you’re good at understanding what you need from others for things to run more smoothly for you, this is great. Find someone else who’s willing to communicate with you in a way that means you’ll both be happy. This man isn’t it.

I don't like the sound of this man.

He makes you uncomfortable and stressed - that's not good and it's definitely not good enough for you. This isn't how a relationship should make you feel.

He'd make me feel uncomfortable and stressed, too.

I honestly think you should dump him and find someone who you feel happy being with. That's how relationships should make you feel.

Honestly, life is full of good things. You don't need to be with a man who makes you feel bad.

And he sounds creepy.

Just saw your last message Lottie - I don’t have autism but have a mental illness that can affect how I process and react to emotions. My relationship wouldn’t work so well if my DP wasn’t willing to learn about my illness and how it effects me. Im learning better coping strategies with his support, but I’m not going to become a different person. He accepts me for me.

I won't find anyone else. I liked him much more than anyone ever before. I give up.

Don't give up op !!

I agree with others it sounds like he wants to fix you or for you to be the version of you he wants . He needs to know this will never happen . Nor should it happen you are fine as you are