He seems angry with me and I don't understand

[lottieandmia22]

I need to start by saying I have Aspergers and Alexithymia.

So I've been in a relationship with someone for a few months. I see him several times a week. I told him early on about my autism but he keeps saying not to label myself and it's as if he doesn't really accept my diagnosis.

He got me involved in doing this emotion code stuff & releasing trapped emotions etc. It seems to have caused me to feel a bit unstable emotionally and raked up memories of some abusive experiences with my parents. Yesterday I ended up rambling a bit, which is what autistic people do when stressed. He was worrying about his health but because I'm autistic and don't pick up on subtle social interaction dynamics, I didn't pick up on this.

So he ended up thinking I didn't care about him and seemed angry with me. I explained that I do care very much but I need to be told when someone feels worried and needs support - I won't just pick up on it. I ended up crying and feeling very confused.

I think the problem is that he thinks my autism is caused by trapped emotions and can be cured. If he can't accept my limitations then how will this ever work?

Don't be daft. The fact you liked him more than other people you've been out with means you're getting better at a. working out what you like in people and b. getting better at finding those people.

when you get better at something, do you stop? No! You keep practising.

Dating/relationships really does have an element to it which is just like learning to play a musical instrument. Practice. Practice. Practice. Recognise improvements. Keep the improvements. Keep practicing.

Oh - and try to enjoy it, too.

Don't give up! I have Aspergers too and it took me ages to find someone who did understand me but when I did it was perfect (as much as it can be under the stressed and strains of life). He would never ask me to change anything about my Aspergers self and I couldn't have respected him if he had. Don't lose hope.

Thank you for your kind messages.

The last person I dated before him I finished with because it wasn't working and he threw my autism in my face. After saying oh it's fine etc when we were together.

Lottie, this man is not good for you.

He doesn't understand you and he wants you to change yourself to be the sort of person he wants to be with.

This is very wrong of him.

He should respect you for who you are.

Finish the relationship with him, take absolutely no notice of that codes stuff. No qualified therapist should ever work on someone they have an emotional attachment to. He is a fake and a fraud.

Have a breather, learn to accept yourself as you are, you are yourself and you are a lovely person. You should never have to change yourself for anyone else.

Loads of people don't understand autism.

He sounds manipulative and dangerous.
When I was a child my (estranged) mum didn’t believe I had a deformity and made me pray to Jesus to be healed. She refused me hospital treatment on the grounds that ‘we’ believe by faith that god would heal me.
I now have a disability and constant pain every day. It has affected my whole life.
Don’t let some random guy try to cure you please. I bet you’ve spent your whole life learning coping mechanisms, don’t let him destroy your work.
Maybe next relationship you could consider meetups with a qualified relationship counsellor to support you and your next partner in order to understand each other’s cues etc. better.

I know you said you told him early on but How was the relationship befpte you told him about your autism? Its just from what you've said to me it sounds as though you're a project to him to see him his emotional whatever the fuck it is works. It defiantly won't.

As well he says he loves you but he doesn't know you very well!your autism is a big part of who you are and he's made no effort to get to k ow and understand it so how can he love you when he doesn't know the whole of you?

It's very reasonable for you to be upset that he isn't making the effort. My dp has add and I know how it affects him and how it's go in to affect us in situations because I got to know about it, we speak about it still and have been together year, I read up about it and I observed him so I know what to expect. It's how it should be.

He's not good for you. You deserve better

Sorry about the typos in my post!!! My phones against me hahaha

That should say been together years

I had never heard of emotion code stuff so have just googled it. It sounds like pure quackery and not something he should be “practising” on you as though you’re some sort of experiment or broken thing for him to fix. Get rid of him ASAP as he is causing you emotional harm

I just feel so upset. I thought I had found someone who cares about me. But in reality this man can't see past the end of his nose. He carries a rock around which he asks important questions to. I've noticed that his obsession with this new age stuff seems to have grown. Instead of genuinely trying to understand me he spends all his time reading nonsense.

My feelings have changed so I probably won't be able to stay with him anyway.

I am sure he does like you. But equally, not in the nuanced way that you require. He'll keep trying to beat you into the box he wants you to fit into until you're all out of shape.

I've had someone be angry at me because I couldn't read their cues. And because I couldn't signal mine. They'd say I looked completely blank and keep trying to force a reaction out of me. It wasn't a nice experience.

And change is harder for me too. I always say just the same that no one else will be right. But I've always been wrong about that. In fact, once I move past my obsessive phase, I tend not to care about them very much at all.

Run away from this abusive prick. He is extremely bad for your mental health. I think it's very likely that he chose you, deliberately, because you have autism and are potentially vulnerable. He wants to control and manipulate you, and make you dangerously dependent on him.

You can do much better than him. Tell him he's dumped, and block all contact with him. It's perfectly all right to do this. Being single is much better than being in a shit relationship with a bully.

Time for you to leave him to his "rock".

I don't think he intentionally chose me because I have autism. I think he's got a severe case of hubris and basically can't see past the end of his nose.

Dj I'm sorry to hear that you've experienced that too. I feel quite wounded by it tbh.

There's nothing more maddening then people who say your autism isn't a problem who then get angry when you don't behave the way they want.

Yes, totally. And his anger isn't a good reaction either. That's a sign of him being so rigid, he can't make room for another person in his life.

And thank you. It was a bad experience for me when similar happened. Really knocked me for six.

he keeps saying not to label myself

That sentence worries me. Autism is not a label (as well you know) it is part of a person with autism’s very being. If he isn’t willing to learn about autism then he will never understand you and his expectations of you will be completely unfair because they will come entirely from an NT perspective. I think you give him one last chance to take up your offer to learn more about ASC or you ditch him for your own long term sanity.

"I don't think he intentionally chose me because I have autism".

That does not make his actions towards you any better.

You were targeted by this person Lottie, I have no doubts of that whatsoever. He saw something with you that he can and has tried to exploit to and for his own ends.

Run, not just walk away from this abusive man and leave him to his rock to talk to. He needs to be blocked and deleted from your life because he will drag you down with him.

Lottie - it may not have been specifically autism that drew him, but shitbags like this man have a radar for vulnerability. His previous partners - and quite probably subsequent ones - will also appeal to him because of some factor that he can exploit, such as poor mental health, having been groomed to accept abuse in a previous relationship, perhaps not speaking English all that well, or being very poor. He wants to 'fix' women so that he can then demand abject devotion and gratitude from them.