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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why do I always do this?

29 replies

EggsEggcetera · 26/02/2018 07:06

Meet a man, have lots of sex at first (WANT lots of sex at first), then after a few weeks want less and less, until it gets to the point where all I do is push them away.

I've been with DP for 15 months now and can't stand it when he tries it on with me. I'd happily never have sex again. Sometimes he says "You were completely different at the beginning"... And he's right. But I don't know why or what to do about it :(

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 26/02/2018 07:25

Do you genuinely want sex at first? Do you enjoy having sex? Sorry if too much information but do you usually orgasm as well as your partner?

I wonder if you see sex as obligatory at the start of the relationship and then as something you don't like doing or don't want to do once you feel safer in the relationship

It might help to talk to a therapist about all this

Original poster
EggsEggcetera · 26/02/2018 07:42

Shox probably. I have a lot of issues around sex! I don't care if I orgasm or not, I am happy if they do - quickly!

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 26/02/2018 08:19

Do you only value yourself at the start of relationship if you’re having sex & don’t feel you’d be valued otherwise?

Original poster
EggsEggcetera · 26/02/2018 08:23

Maybe. I always got a lot of (sexual) attention when I was younger

OP posts:
cakecakecheese · 26/02/2018 08:55

If this is a pattern that often occurs often then it's down to whatever the issues are that you have around sex. Have you spoken to a councellor? It sounds like you've identified a pattern and have an idea about why so the next step is working through those reasons.

Shoxfordian · 26/02/2018 09:06

Start caring about your orgasm! It's as important as his. Maybe if you did reliably come then you'd enjoy sex more.

It really does sound like you should talk to a sex therapist though about these issues

Original poster
EggsEggcetera · 26/02/2018 09:07

cake I would be far, far too embarrassed to talk to a counsellor about this! I embarrass VERY easily

OP posts:
Original poster
EggsEggcetera · 26/02/2018 09:07

Shox DP is desperate to please me but the thought of him going down on me makes me feel sick (I used to let him though!)

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 26/02/2018 09:08

Did you have problems when you were younger with men only being interested in you for sex? Were you in abusive relationships? It sounds as though you literally don't want to be near anyone who wants to have sex with you.

Original poster
EggsEggcetera · 26/02/2018 09:10

Lost virginity at 13
Constantly used for sex
My mum made out sex was disgusting and shameful
Raped by a "friend" at his house party
Constantly forced into sex by exH

So yeh, quite a lot of issues!

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 26/02/2018 09:22

Could he try using his fingers or a toy? Sorry to be explicit

I think if you can start enjoying sex then you'll be more inclined to continue having it.

Again sorry to keep saying it but you def seem like you need some therapy

MyBrilliantDisguise · 26/02/2018 09:23

I can see why you don't want sex. Are you able to talk to your partner about your past? If so, what did he say?

I think you'd really benefit from counselling. Have you ever tried that?

MrsElvis · 26/02/2018 09:25

If you embarrass and can't face sitting in a room with a counsellor would you consider a counsellor on the phone / Skype / email?

Is it a case of the excitement / chase wearing off?

Original poster
EggsEggcetera · 26/02/2018 09:28

He would do anything I wanted if it satisfied me, Shox. I expect he'd be over the moon if I came onto him!

He is good looking and I do fancy him do it's not that. Deep down maybe I'm scared that if I keep agreeing to sex, he'll keep wanting it?

I have had counselling and have actually just started it again but I've never discussed this issue. My mum used to delight in calling me a slag so I never really saw an issue but DP is so hurt by me pushing him away and I can see it's affecting his confidence :(

OP posts:
Original poster
EggsEggcetera · 26/02/2018 09:29

I would definitely consider email counselling. Is that a thing?

Perhaps partly the excitement wearing off... But I'd ALWAYS choose a secure and loving relationship over excitement

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 26/02/2018 09:31

Do you associate sex with people who treat you badly?

Shoxfordian · 26/02/2018 09:36

From your experiences I can see why you don't associate sex with anything good. Do you see it as something being done to you rather than something you do?

I think you can get online counselling or if you feel brave then you shld talk it through with your counsellor. Nothing to be embarassed about, counsellors are there to help you.

NotSoSprightly · 26/02/2018 09:39

It sounds like you get Sudden Repulsion Syndrome. Very normal!

Original poster
EggsEggcetera · 26/02/2018 10:05

MyBrilliantDisguise I don't think so? DP is a good person

Shox yeh it's definitely something done to me.

I haven't heard of that syndrome?! Will have a look

OP posts:
MrsElvis · 26/02/2018 13:24

Yes email counsellor is an option. I saw a counsellor and noticed she also offered dismay counselling through Skype and email

Original poster
EggsEggcetera · 26/02/2018 13:33

Hmm I can't really find anything. Definitely don't want to do Skype

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 26/02/2018 15:19

Please try to talk to your therapist about it in person.

If you can be honest with your partner then that'd be helpful so he doesn't just feel rejected by you

LesisMiserable · 26/02/2018 15:35

I was talking to my DH about this this morning. We've only been together just over three years so a comparitively short time really, but he is the one person that sex has always felt good with. Regardless of whether we were 'making love' or having rough sex or whatever I never feel anything less than loved and cossetted and turned on. Every other relationship has ended up with me feeling either ashamed for enjoying it, or just plain uninterested a could of years in. I left my first husband because I could not bring myself to have sex with him anymore and it made me cringe and he deserved better, even though I did love him.

I think maybe it is a case that you know you can turn it on and attract someone sexually, but once you have proved your worth as it were sexually a few months in....you start to feel switched off and disconnected and empty of anything to fill the rush of the sexual power you have at the beginning and you start to feel not just turned off but even violated if you do have sex (not by their doing but by your own doing of indulging in the act when you dont feel it). Does this sound possible? It was how I used to feel until my DH. I can't explain it, but I guess we are just in sync and it works with him where with everyone else it just didnt. I think it's a luck and providence thing, first and foremost. But I dont think your desire for your DP will come back - it never has in my experience :-(

pawpatrolonrepeat · 26/02/2018 15:35

I feel exactly the same. Due to get married this year so need to sort something out quickly.

LesisMiserable · 26/02/2018 15:37

please postpone your wedding. This is not a good move for either of you, long term when you feel like this. Take it from me, divorce is horrible no matter how amicable so if you don't feel love and desire for your husband to be before the wedding even, it will not go well.

Please please be sensible.

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