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Original poster

Marraige without living together

26 replies

startingover231 · 25/02/2018 22:35

My partner and I have been together just over three years, we haven't been able to live together yet due to our circumstances. We are both in out early fifties and divorced. We live about 45 minutes away from each other. He can't move to mine because of the distance he would have to travel to work, ( he already drives an hour each way from his house so another hour and a half of travel is just too much)
I can't move to his because I need to be living near my elderly mother, I also have two teenagers still living at home, who aren't quite ready to fly the nest but wouldn't want to move away from friends, jobs etc. At the moment we see each other 3-4 nights a week, with me staying at his midweek and us spending the weekends together either at his or mine.
We would really love to get married but obviously living together at the moment isn't an option. Can it work to get married and live in separate houses until life allows us to live together (realistically that won't happen until anything happens to my mum and I don't want to hurry that along!) But my mum is an important part of our lives and we'd both love to marry whilst she's still alive and able to join us in our celebration.
Has anyone else ever done this and has it worked for you?

OP posts:
TheHeartOfTeFiti · 25/02/2018 22:40

I knew someone who did this saw each other at weekends and holidays, did this for 20 years and only moved in together so she could care for him in the final stages of terminal illness.

Bloomed · 25/02/2018 22:41

You could live together at weekends etc surely. That would be no different to many couples working away during the week. He could even just get a bolthole somewhere near his work and you could set up home together?

Original poster
startingover231 · 25/02/2018 22:47

Bloomed - that's kind of what he has ATM, a small flat nearer his work than my house.
We do in effect live together at weekends, just not always at mine. Sometimes it's nice to go to his and have a break from the demands of family life and caring for my mum.
I hadn't thought of it like someone just working away all week?
I guess I just assumed he'd keep his flat on and keep that as his main residence for bills, banking etc, rather than us officially live together at mine and him work away all week....

OP posts:
Candlelights · 25/02/2018 22:52

It's not uncommon for married couples to live apart in the week - eg one has a city for flat where they stay for work. I've known one couple have done this for about 15 years and are very happy together.

I don't see why you can't get married and make that commitment to a long term future together, and continue your living arrangements as they are for as long as they suit you.

cheeseismydownfall · 26/02/2018 01:19

Of course you can! Your marriage, your rules. Go for it.

NoKnownFather · 26/02/2018 01:34

The only difference from how it is now, will be that you are married and last time I looked at my Marriage Certificate there was nothing written there to say we had to live in the same house.

Just do what makes you both happy, it's nobody else's business. All the best for the wedding (if you go ahead). Flowers

FloralSocks · 26/02/2018 08:48

It sounds like a lovely set up to be honest! I don’t think younger working couples/families would bat an eyelid as many posters point out, it’s not uncommon to work away during the week. I’m not sure if this has always been the case tho so not sure if other generations may find it a bit more unusual, but it’s really no one else’s business and you don’t need to justify your living situation to anyone. Grin

yetmorecrap · 26/02/2018 10:27

Sounds ideal, if I win the lottery it’s what I would choose!!

Original poster
startingover231 · 26/02/2018 16:36

Thank you!
I thought it was the best solution to our current problem, because we really would like to marry whilst my lovely mum is still with us!
But whilst I have no doubts about marrying him, I did wonder if marrying and living apart was a bit odd!
The relationship really works for us atm, although I hate not seeing him every day, we do make the most of the time we spend together.

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 26/02/2018 16:49

It sounds brilliant!

More people will choose to marry & live like this in the future.

Parky04 · 26/02/2018 17:01

Wonder if my DW would agree to this!!

allegretto · 26/02/2018 17:06

A marriage with separate houses sounds quite good actually!

yetmorecrap · 26/02/2018 17:47

Don't worry what anyone else thinks either OP, half of those in conventional set ups may well love to have this option, no one dares say so because of societal expectations !!

MistressDeeCee · 26/02/2018 19:03

I think it could work, why not?

I've mid-50s been with OH 5 years, he lives 20 minutes away. My DDs are early 20s still at home whilst saving for house deposit. We see each other 3-4 times weekly, spend time at each other's homes and Im happy with the arrangement. We will get round to getting married at some stage but it may be that we don't live together immediately. To be honest I wouldn't care if we never lived together 24/7, I love him but Im a person who needs space at times. So is he. I like living with my girls for now and don't see any reason to change that, certainly not in the near future. Its nice to pack a bag and go off for a couple of days sometimes

SenecaFalls · 26/02/2018 19:12

Several years ago we bought a house from a retired couple who were downsizing. They moved into side by side separate flats. His and Hers.Smile

Viewofhedges · 26/02/2018 20:41

I live apart from dh during the week due to work and we both enjoy having our own space, though we have a ‘main’ house where dh lives. We know a very happily married couple who never gave up theirs isn flats and live in their own places and get together at weekends. There is absolutely no reason why you shouldn’t enjoy the lovely glow of being married whilst also living apart. Sounds great to be able to do it while your Mum can celebrate too. Why be ‘normal’?

Original poster
startingover231 · 26/02/2018 21:39

mistress that's exactly how I feel! I do love our special time together and I didn't see why getting married should change that but wondered if in others eyes that would seem strange. Judging by your lovely comments it wouldn't at all!
viewofhedges it really is important to both of us that my mum is part of the celebration. She's a big part of both our lives and means the world to us both.
Guess it's 'watch this space!' 😀

OP posts:
MistressDeeCee · 26/02/2018 21:42

starting over same here. It's not strange at all. Different if you're young and starting out, wanting children etc. But when you're well past that stage work with what suits best. You're on the same page that's the best thing.

BertieBotts · 26/02/2018 21:45

I know a couple who got married while neither could get a visa for the other's country! They got married in a third country they both had no connection to, but that you don't have to live there to be married (Not Vegas but similar). Kept applying for visas and eventually one of them got accepted.

RollTopBath · 26/02/2018 22:04

I know plenty of people who’ve married without living together first. In some communities it’s the norm. I think I,recall research that says it leads to the most enduring marriages but that’s likely to be about the commitment made to staying together.

Willow2017 · 26/02/2018 23:13

I know a couple who do this. They dont live together but do spend a lot of time together when they want to. Seems to suit them and thier personalities. Think they were both used to living alone and having thier own ways but still wanted tbat commitment.

Go for it.

user1471536217 · 27/02/2018 10:24

I am in this situation.I married my second husband 10 years ago.We had both been divorced previously and at that time both had children living at home.We each have our own house and spend weekends together and a night in the week.We are in our late fifties.I enjoy the time we spend together and also enjoy having some independence.In the future it would be ideal for us to both sell up and buy somewhere together,saving quite a lot of money re bills etc.It can be an ideal situation,go for it!

Original poster
startingover231 · 27/02/2018 16:07

user1471
I am thrilled to hear it works so well for you!
Can I ask you,
Do you ever have any doubts that at some point in the future when you sell up and live together that you'll have any issues over what are currently differences in what are 'his house rules' and 'your house rules?' Or do you think you'll just slot into things smoothly?
We don't have major differences, but if we're at his, he tends to lead on what we cook, and how he cooks it and at mine I do. And there are other little differences that don't bother me at the moment, because in my house I do things my way and he in his?

OP posts:
user1471536217 · 27/02/2018 21:33

I agree with you ,there may be some differences with " house rules" if we live together permanently in the future.My husband loves to cook,which is great,as that's not my speciality.I still have one child at home ,who is saving up for a deposit for a house.My other children have moved out and bought homes with their partners.My husbands children now live abroad.We are now getting to a point where we both should sell up our homes and buy one together.It is a big decision as we both do like our own independence.Trust is very important between us ,as otherwise our situation would not work.We love each other,but could we live together full time,I don't know!

Howlongtilldinner · 28/02/2018 00:25

I’ve been with my DP over 6 years now. We both live in our own places, 15 minutes by car. I have my DS (20) living with me, and he has his DD (19) with some learning difficulties living with him (he a widower).

My DP is rather draconian in his parenting, and more liberal, we couldn’t possibly all live together. My DS cannot afford to pay the outgoings on our home, so if I lived with DP, I would effectively be financially worse off. They are the practicalities. The realities are, that I was on my own for a number of years before DP came along, and I’m used to my ‘space’, I’m loathe to give that up I’m afraid.

I think living apart is the new living together, at least for partnerships in later life. My DD is moving in with her BF and wants to be joined at the hipHmmyoung love eh?! That’s great, and I’m happy for them, but for me I’m happy the way it is now.

Everyone’s ‘normal’ is different, if it makes you happy, that’s all that matters..good luck

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