Spoke to ex for the 1st time in years, and now he's blocked me

[urbannomad]

I'd really appreciate some thoughts on this. The situation is, my ex and I first got together 6 years ago - it was one of those really intense but rocky relationships. He's a few years younger than me and I eventually broke up with him as I was sick of the instability and his emotional immaturity. He pursued me for months after we broke up, turning up to my house with gifts etc. We ended up getting back together 1.5 years later, only to break up again, following which I met and married my husband. My ex sent me a nice congratulatory message when I got married but apart from that we've had no contact for a couple of years.
As happy as I am with my husband, I did occasionally think about my ex and recently decided to send him a casual message to see how he is. I noticed immediately that his image and way of speaking had changed -he's always had a bit of the 'bad boy' thing going on but it's definitely become more pronounced now and I got the distinct sense that he was trying to show me he no longer cares what I think of him. I'll be honest and concede that stupidly, the attraction on my end was probably still a little bit there and that perhaps led me to extend the conversation longer than I should have. For a period of a few weeks, we exchanged messages here and there and I was enjoying the conversation, despite him talking mainly about himself and also saying a few insensitive things. We've always connected on an intellectual level and so most of the conversation was about politics, travel etc. but at one point he did admit he was really sad when I got married (he quickly pulled back from this statement with a generic 'life goes on' type comment). However I started to get annoyed by his self-absorption and also feel guilty for engaging in prolonged conversation and finally forced myself to stop replying. After I didn't respond to his message for a few days, I now see that he blocked me.
I probably should've left it there but I decided to send him a short email saying that I'd still like to be friends but that his manner of speaking had hurt my feelings a little and hence why I distanced myself. It's been days now and no response, and I'm left wondering what to make of it all. If he really didn't care about me at all, why block me simply because I didn't reply for a few days? Was he just messing with me the whole time?

You've had some harsh treatment on here OP. I gave beennwhere you are (apart from the being married and moved on situation) and I understand exactly where you're coming from. He knows what he's doing and I don't buy into the 'poor bloke so sad you dumped him' line.

BUT! He's bad news and you know it. Do deep breath. Move on. Love your DH and try not to give the ex any more headspace.

As embarrassing as it is a part of me probably was looking for some attention, which is icky and wrong. However I think if you saw the conversation you'd understand what I mean by passive and enabling e.g. me asking how he is but him never doing the same, him making derogatory comments about women which I'd usually never let slide, but that I did.

But not what does it matter if he made comments about women or other negative things? You weren't passive in this as it wasn't a "thing" you aren't friends, he isn't your boyfriend, he's nothing,
Or he should have been.

Thanks gingergenius, I know this person is no good for me and it seems I'm no good for him either. I don't believe he is a victim in this situation at all though.
midnightmisssuki, I'm trying very hard to examine my own motives. I think there were some latent feelings, causing an uncomfortable dynamic, but I'd say it was less love and more perhaps underlying attraction. I definitely don't love him and I don't really like him as a person either, but obviously some stupid impulse drove me to continue speaking.

It's for the best.

I understand the cycle of being passive and always ending up apologising, however, you are putting yourself into this pattern completely unnecessarily when you have no reason to at all. You don't love this man, he's not your boyfriend/recent lover and the whole thing is just pointless.

There is no way you can be friends with this man because if he's as you say then being friends with him will just result in you feeling rubbish every time and that's just not a friendship worth giving head space to.

If he replies to your email, I wouldn't ignore it but I would just say "thanks, I wish you all the best in the future " and leave it at that and ignore any further correspondence. I would explain to your dh what has happened then hopefully in the future if this man tries to message you again you can ignore it and have no fear of your dh finding any suspicious. Move on with your life and don't give this anymore fuel.

Thanks BackToBaileys, your comment is really helpful. I recognise that my relationship with my ex was not a good one and at times was borderline abusive, so it saddens me that I would risk hurting my kind and trusting husband for someone like that. I guess it goes to show that patterns of behaviour can be hard to break. I wanted to demonstrate to myself that he no longer had that power over me but it clearly didn't work, and I hate that I'm still even a little bit curious as to why he behaved in the way he did. It feels like he's somehow won in this weird power struggle we've engaged in and I wish I hadn't even gone there.

I had an abusive ex who I had to go cold turkey with in the end because it really messed me up. Even after he damaged my car two months after cutting contact I still didn't give him the light of day (as much as I would like to have throttled him) because by doing so meant opening up that line of communication again. I still think about him in anger at what he did to me and have moments of wanting to do something bad to him and asking him why he did the things he did but somehow by doing so gives him a power over me because it would start the drama all over again and I would never get the truth/the answers I want anyway. It would just make him smug to think he's getting to me. So by cutting contact all together means I gain back some self respect and dignity and it says more to him (that he's a complete wanker) than if I corresponded with him.

I also find it helpful talking it out with my dp now because when I have moments of absolute anger and frustration about my abusive ex my dp will sit and listen and understands it's something that will take me years to get over. Somehow he helps me rationalise it in my mind so I think talking to your dh will help you not just now but in the future too.

Maybe he was also driven by a stupid impulse and blocked you to stop himself doing it again. I don't think it's worth taking personally.

BackToBaileys your ex sounds awful and so glad you got out and had the strength to go cold turkey. Your dp sounds like a great support and sounding board though. With my ex it's not quite as clear cut hence why I think I have a lot of mixed feelings towards him. Part of why I wanted to speak to him again as well was to see if he'd gained any insight into his behaviour as he was quite young at the time and whether it was immaturity or simply that he's a jerk. I did bring up one small instance where he deleted people from my Facebook and changed my profile picture (creepy, right) and he was very dismissive, saying he's a different person now. Stupid again of me for even digging for insights I know but I think that was part of the power he had/has over me, that I was always kept guessing and never could predict what he'd do next. It also scares me that I could be attracted to someone who treated me so poorly and be affected by their actions all these years later.

That's true ravenmum, his last message to me was asking if I was bored of speaking to him (in a joking manner) so perhaps he felt a bit stupid when I didn't reply straight away.

To be fair we are all "jerks" when we are younger and look back on ourselves and cringe sometimes. On the one hand I don't think it's fair to judge this man now on his younger self's behaviour if he was just being young, immature and a bit of a dick and on the other hand you will never get the answers you are looking for because the time has now passed. He may have grown up a bit or not but you don't need to be worrying about what he may or may not be now. He probably looks about certain things himself and doesn't understand why he did that etc.

If I look back at my relationship with an ex when we were quite young we would both probably cringe now! It's all part of learning I guess and you're not with this guy for a reason so raking it all over again just seems pointless (or like an Adele song! )

Also if someone came to me and asked me if I used to be immature or was I just a jerk then I'd tell them to fuck off!

How old is he now/was he then?

Why do you give a shit? You're married. This is a non issue.

Ok so you wanted him to show you he wasn’t the “insensitive jerk” he was...what if he has? What if he had responded and been different? I think you’re looking for attention and I feel sorry for your husband. I bet he wouldn’t have encouraged contact if you told him why you were upset he blocked you.

Address the issues in your marriage. It won’t last if you don’t.

*”what if he did” not “what if he has”

I'm just a little perplexed why your DH encourages you to keep in touch with your Exes.

It's one thing to be okay with the contact and not mind it .... but actively encouraging it seems a bit odd to me.

The only other time I've come across a man encouraging his wife/GF like this is where the husband has a hotwife or cuckold fetish.

OP if your DH is as fine and open minded about your exes as you say - then instead of insulting posters just tell him, see what advice you get.

Op, you keep insinuating that your ex has done something wrong, but you contacted him, and you were the first one to do the ignoring.

His crime was to be self absorbed and to talk about himself while not asking you any questions. Was he always like that? If so, you shouldn't have been surprised really, it's how he is. If not, I don't think it's unusual for the dumpee to want to show their dumper how great their life is now.

You contacted him out of the blue. He replied and you chatted for awhile until the conversation began to annoy you, so you ignored him. How is this anyone's fault but yours? Stop navel gazing, focus on your marriage and leave this man alone!

I'll be honest. I don't keep in contact with any of my exes. I just don't think it's appropriate when you're in a relationship with someone else. That person is an ex for a reason.

Ironically I had an ex from around 10 years ago send me a random "hi how are you" message on Facebook messenger the other day (took me days to even see it as was in other messages as I'm not friends with him). I didn't even reply. I didn't see the need to or the point. I don't see why he needs to know how I am. We broke up years ago at his choice. That was the end of any insight he has into my life as far as I'm concerned.

I can understand that you'd feel a bit put out/hurt that he blocked you (we've all felt a bit narked when someone's done that to us). But I really wouldn't waste your energy worrying about it. He wasn't your best mate, he was an ex. An ex that sounds like a bit of an arse to be fair.

Pushing to talk to him to let him know he upset you will give the wrong impression and makes you look a bit needy and desperate for attention.

Even if you disregard the fact that you're married, can you not see how you are messing this old flame around?
He's blocked you because you were playing games.
He's being sensible

Yeah sure you wanted to see if you could be friends, not buying it OP, you contacted him for a thrill, simple as that; your poor husband, you sound easily lead by a bit of attention, you say was he messing with you, think it's the other way around, remind yourself you are married lady and should no better, get your thrills from your husband, not another man.

Hi all, I ended up telling my husband everything - he was taken aback and a little bit hurt that the conversation continued for a few weeks and that I admitted to partly being motivated by seeking attention. Going forward I've decided not to be in contact with any exes as it's just not worth the hassle. Interesting my husband was also curious as to why the ex blocked me - we tend to have similar outlooks on these things so he understood why I was curious too. His understanding reaction reminded me again how lucky I am to have him and that my ex was a total tosser in comparison! Thank you to everyone who commented constructively, it really helped me.

He's not understanding, he's a doormat.